Had yourself a merry little Christmas?

Peversity thy name is Peridot! On Christmas Eve I actually started hankering to be able to diet! I even had a mild impulse to go for a run. Why? Well, it's a big question and probably involves me smacking my head against a wall to try and knock some sense into myself but the only thing I could think of was that it was - because I couldn't. AmI just so plain awkward that I automatically want what I can't have? In which case, all I'd need to do is convince myself that I HAVE to have lots of chocolate and feel over-full to propel me rapidly in the direction of frugal salad nibbling (I do like salad by the way). The only problem is that I'm not sure I'd believe myself - I really am a rubbish liar. Of course, this could have all been set in motion by a reluctance to eat my mother's pudding which was some raspberry, marscapone and white chocolate tart in hazelnut pastry thingy. Hazelnuts - tick, raspberries - tick, marscapone - tick, tick, pasty - hmmm, not keen but white chocolate- bleurrrgghhh. And yet she'd worked so hard to make it so I ate it, begrudging the calories and really not liking it. I successfully evaded all the rest of it though - my bf heroically ate pretty much all of the rest of it.

The big D(iet) is a-coming but I'm not there yet. I have been ill right the way through Christmas, despite pretending to myself and everyone else that I was okay. But I wasn't and I'm not and it did put a dampener on the whole occasion. I couldn't even taste my butterscotch and pear trifle - although when I made the custard and the butterscotch sauce they did taste good - or the good wines we got, what a waste. And yesterday my face suddenly went red and became so itchy I was inclined to mimic a labrador (not for the first time) and rub it briskly on a doormat. I felt worse and worse. Bf suggested that I take an antihistamine and today I looked up adverse reactions to Lemsip Max to find out that an allergic reaction to decongestant looks just like I did yesterday. Given the choice between an intense need to flay my own skin off (especially my entire nose) and drowing in my own mucus, I've gone for the mucus option today. So that will be a treat then!

Highlights of festive period:
- dogs, dogs, dogs. I've really enjoyed having them here, despite Cheska being excessively pleased with her new, very loudly squeaky ball (even at 6am) and Lily's insistance on lying in my minute kitchen in case I drop something. We did a lovely walk yesterday - shorter than planned due to us only having about 1 lung between the 3 of us (mother seemed also to be coming down with cold at this point) but it had lots of small rivers and the dogs turned into hippos. Hippos who felt post-wallow that they should have had some of the flask of hot chocolate (with marshmallows to float on top) that I brought for human consumption. There was a certain element of canine sulking about this - despite bf giving them half of an enormous and very deluxe sausage roll from the Ginger Pig (which is not his pet name for me - no matter how apt - but a shop in Borough Market)
- funny and thoughtful present from best friend R who reads this blog and clearly was referring to my dressing down over not dressing up for running in inclement weather by bf a couple of months ago since she bought me some Nike running gear. Which I may have to slim into but makes me feel like a proper runner just by dint of owning it! I may leave it casually lying about, like some kind of window dressing!
- other lovely presents including a walking coat from mother in nice shades of green, lovely evening bag from other best friend E, elegant earrings from bf and - amazingly - a car sat nav from my brothers. Which may help me find R's house on NYD. Yep, she's my best friend but she lives MILES away and I've never seen her house as we always meet up in London. I am rubbish friend.

Lowlights:
- Lurgyied up to my eyeballs
- Severe sleep deprivation (mostly because of fabulous hostess duties - I'd really rather have staff I think - I'd happily dispense with the glory)
- Stressful dinner preparations in kitchen the size of a large wardrobe (with 2-3 people and 2 dogs). Not sure how we all lived to tell the tale
- RUBBISH telly on. Pah, how can I veg out properly in the true festive fashion if it's only soaps and reality TV on offer.

Now I'm looking forward to a few days of not-alotness before New Year in the Cotswolds. I am very excited because on NYE we will be walking around the White Horse in Wiltshire which I have wanted to do since I was about 6. Really. I saw it for the first time in something of a rush in October but now I can go back and have a good look and a walk - the forecast is for very cold but bright weather so ideal for a good tramp aroung with bf, mother and dogs. Then dinner and overnight in a pub and another walk on NYD before a quick trip to see best friend R (looking like a tramp I expect - me, not her). Only one scary bit - there is a disco at the pub. My mother and bf love dancing but I am v self conscious about this and tend to come across as a complete party pooper - never sure which is the lesser of two evils, boring party pooper or scary, graceless dancing elephant impression. And I'm not even thinking about what on earth I'll wear - arggghhhhh. Will have to at some point but am currently whistling loudly with my eyes shut rather than allow myself to freak out about this just yet. Full freak out will commence all too soon.

Merry Christmas one and all

It's Christmas Eve and I'm sitting in a near empty office feeling sick. I've got a nasty cold with the added extra features of nausea and light headedness (and that's before alcohol - in fact, thinking about it, perhaps alcohol would sort it out, rather like a double negative). I have lousy timing. And I've given the cold to the bf (the gift you don't have to wrap...) too who is cranky and grumpy about it. It doesn't bode well for a festive atmosphere!

But today - after I finally am allowed to escape the office - all I have to do is lug home some shopping and my computer, wrap two presents, stick labels on the presents, make custard and pack to go over to my mum's. This seems comparatively lazy after the last few days! The veg are pre-prepard, ready to cook for tomorrow and I managed to find a lobster for my mother (a pesky pescatarian) - which was a Christmas miracle in itself - and bf picked up the chicken etc from Borough Market. If we can just feel better now we'll be about ready for Christmas!

So we're at my mum's tonight and will walk the dogs with her tomorrow (and yes they have presents and yes we've wrapped them - they love that!), then go to bf's sister's for a couple of hours at midday, then back to our flat to cook an early dinner - my mum's coming to join us with the dogs. Hilariously Lily (chocolate Lab) realised last time she came that she was on the 2nd floor as she looked down at the ground through the window in astonishment and back up at us to communicate her amazing find! Then big walk on Boxing Day with homemade celeriac and stilton soup to take and a flask of hot chocolate with marshmellows waiting for us in the car with mince pies. And a very traditional moules frites for supper (ahem)! And pear and butterscotch trifle (which I'm making the custard for tonight). All this is just making me sick and dizzy but even if I don't recover, I'm not one of those girls who doesn't eat when they're sick sadly - quite the contrary.

New year, new job (as Mrs rightly said) - and new determination to get back to the slimmer side of a size 14? Yep, hoping I find that in my XL stocking.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Life is a rollercoaster

Although my personal rollercoaster seems to have more dips than seem fair. But maybe that's my negativity. Dips in real life are alot less fun than those on a rollercoaster too! And now I can't get that annoying Boyzone chap's song out of my head, sigh!

So on the positive - after a nerve wracking interview, I think I have the job. It's only a level transfer to another department but the areas they cover are very interesting and it may be easier to move up there. I applied for one position and at the interview they asked if I'd be interested in another one - I said not. But they rang me the next day and pushed it a bit harder and I agreed that it did sound more interesting. I hope I haven't just made a gullible decision based on some smooth sales talk! Once I said I would be interested, they said HR rules meant they could actually tell me if I'd got the job until today but "given our conversation you shouldn't be worried over the weekend".

On the negative - the weight continues to pile on and it is now difficult to find anything that fits me. I think I'm managing to rein back a bit on the chocolate but I know from bitter experience that I put weight on very easily but lose it with extreme difficulty. I have a supply of packs for a post Christmas kick start - probably 7-10 days so maybe that will be enough to make my larger skirts less tight. My likely imminent separation from the smack table can only be a positive thing too!

Intellectually, I can't work out how my (admittedly fragile) self-esteem is so closely tied to my weight and appearance but I know I felt better c2 stone again at my brief forray into the small 14s. And I feel lousy as hell now with my 16s straining at the seams.

And bf and I had a horrible row last night. I was on duty - which I'd tried to get rid of to no avail - but really had hoped it would be quiet as I had loads of Christmas prep stuff to do. But of course it was ridiculously busy. Which meant I was tense as bf went off to do a big Waitrose shop as I find it easy to do stuff myself but quite difficult to watch other people do it - it induces my overactive guilt gene big time. So I was probably a bit uptight already and stressed because duty was so busy and I was aware of all the Christmas tasks I wasn't doing. Then he started wrapping his family's presents - badly - and writing on them in thick black marker pen. I like to wrap in carefully chosen paper with ribbon and baubles and party poppers/chocolate. So I was stressed about that - which he said was control freakery and probably was. Then we were putting the tree in the holder and I managed to get my hand caught in it as bf shoved the tree in and really hurt my finger (it's a big stiff weird sausage like thing today). I was doubled over crying with pain and bf was shouting at me! He doesn't really do sympathy but I was not happy that he was having a go at me when I was in pain. He said it's akin to a reaction you'd have with a small child endangering themself - but that I shouldn't need to be told things that should be obvious to a 38 year old woman. It all turned into a horrible row (intersperced with me having to take and deal with work calls) which culminated in him walking out for over an hour and me then pleading with him and apologising. We decided it was basically my fault for being stressy but I still think he was mean to be angry when I was crying and in pain.

So I'm off today but it's our team lunch so I have to go in - so no time to go back to bed although I didn't get to bed until after 1.30am and didn't sleep well but had to be up to resume duty at 6am so I'm feeling jaded to say the very least. I shall just have to make sure I get stuff done now and not flop about. Yesterday was so busy I didn't even get to shower (or wash my face or eat (which may have made me more stressy)) so I'm definitely going to need to sort myself out in that respect before lunch. Which is dim sum at Ping Pong! It was my idea and I'm looking forward to it - I love dim sum, have never been to Ping Pong and I think it's good to get away from badly cooked, re-heated and over priced pseudo Christmas lunches.

It should be quieter at work now (famous last words!) so I will hopefully get to blog again before Christmas so will wish you a happy and calm (!) few days leading up to the Big Day. Yep, do as I say, not as I do....!

A material world

I have become aware that I have yet another bonkers disjoint in my head. Because I am so miserable at the moment: with work, with my weight, with my general appearance (not just the weight but I'm growing my hair and it's at that 'difficult' stage and I've got some big spots that take ages to clear), with my lack of self-discipline and general feebleness, my sub-conscious is constantly ferreting about for ways to make me feel better - by buying my way out. This is another vicious circle that I'm trapped in. Feeling like this makes me want to buy clothes - because if I think I look good that will lighten my mood - but (short of a miracle) I am not going to look good because of the weight I've put on and how that makes me feel. So constantly looking for clothes and trying them on just reinforces how miserable I feel about myself. And the only other treat I come up with is - guess - chocolate (or occasional forays into cookies/cakes) which as anyone with an iota of sense will know, just feeds (and I choose my word with care) the deterioration of my physical appearance. So then I feeel more miserable and..... And you know the rest.

I have been trying to use other people as inspiration. I look at girls in the street and if they look nice (read: attractive and slim) I desparately want to be like them and I try and use this to fuel my attempts to diet. If you can see that they've recently put on weight (there's alot of women wearing things straining at the button (and I'm one of them)) I use that to draw a parallel with my own position and try and use that as motivation. It just makes me feel miserable.

My mother uses self-loathing to get herself on a diet - she whips herself up into a frenzy and that does it for her. I certainly feel the self-loathing but it doesn't seem to actually DO anything but make me miserable.

Beware of the rant

I am so fed up. Work is a horrible place to be - most of the time. Since this bloke was over-promoted into being my line manager I have to endure being patronised on a daily basis. He's so puffed up with self-importance that that is almost unbearable but the patronising is even worse. Today our team head made me check off something with him - something I've just plain avoided since he was promoted. He tinkered with it for ages - giving the impression that it needed alot of work and when I looked, every (minor) change was for the worse. Then he swanned off for a freebie lunch - I won't have time to get out at all today.

And we have this ridiculous team Christmas decorating competition. I would so rather not (it too clearly reminds me of school) but given that we pretty much have to, I've come up with a theme for our area and done quite a bit of the execution and organisation. Now most other people have sunk into apathy (except line manager who is Too Important), leaving me to do everything and I just can't be bothered - especially when I'm actually so busy anyway. And it's a thankless task in any case.

And our senior top of office person (who has the social skills of a particularly uninterested inanimate object) has put me in a very difficult position. I was told he couldn't see a document (it's to do with keeping stuff within a very small unit) but my team boss said he had to - and to show him a paper copy. He refused to look at a paper copy, insisting I send it to him elctroncially even though this is what I am absolutely not allowed to do. Then sat on it and picked at it so I missed my deadlines - and of course I can't say why.

I did find out though, that someone else on my team feels the same about being patronised by the LM (line manager). She's at an interview today. I've got one next week. Problem is, I'm feeling so beaten down by it all that I can't perk myself up enough to be positive enough for an interview - even for this one which is a slight backwards step but in a nice field. I just want to go home, crawl into bed and cry. Luckily I'm seeing one of my best friends tonight for supper which I know will cheer me up. Endure, that's the key. Is that possible to do without chocolate? My skirts say it should be, my self esteem says it must be but as usual that message isn't permeating my thick skull. Only the fact that I can't actually leave the office or my desk has stopped me wedging industrial quantities into my greedy maw.

Christmas is coming, the Peridot is getting fat...

My clothes that were getting too loose to comfortably wear are now getting too tight to comfortably wear. And this is scaring me. Which is making me want to comfort eat. Which has absolutely not one jot of sense, logic or self-preservation.

It's not even my heart ruling my head. Every atom of me knows that eating too much chocolate is a bad idea but I sort of skirt round the issue in my head and have it anyway. And then spend each evening solemnly promising myself that tomorrow will be different.

One day I bought a pack of medjool dates to distract me from eating chocolate. It worked but I ate 14 dates instead. Not convinced that actually WAS any better for me. I felt ill afterwards too. Deservedly so of course.

And feeling those feelings of self-loathing swamping me again makes me want to buy clothes in an attempt to make myself feel better about myself. You can see that this idea is doomed to failure already, can't you. The hole I've created with chocolate can't be filled with either chocolate OR clothes (especially with the way I'm looking now). I know that this hole can only be shrunk (don't think it will ever be filled) by getting slimmer. Why can't I join all these insights together to form a resolve to stop me eating myself back to fatdom?

I am still runing - and REALLY resenting that that isn't enough to stop the lard piling on. I've moved inside to our complex's 'gym' now it's so cold and dark at 6.15am and the park is not always open (running up and down the road is even less fun). I have to stare at a wall in the 'gym' and my radio doesn't work down there (it's in the basement) - and I get all giddy when I get off the treadmill - but it's interesting monitoring my speed and trying to push it up. I should have gone yesterday and today but I've had such a bad headache and so little sleep (not through anything fun) that I have shirked. Walked in 2+ miles today instead - just far enough to burn approximately 12 calories and make my hair kink unbecomingly. So worth getting out of bed for I am sure you will agree.

And I'm keeping a grip on not eating too much fruit - surprisingly hard for me. And possibly negated by the chocolate eating thing in any case. I'm also trying to eat smaller portions (and would refer you again to the chocoate eating thing completely making a mockery of any other attempt of righteousness). I have c12 days of LL packs, ready for New Year but I really don't want to go back there full time. My plan was:
Breakfast - 0% fat Greek yoghurt, stewed fruit, few flaked almonds or porridge
mid morning - handful nuts
Lunch - soup or a salad
mid afternoon - portion fruit
evening - soup or salad or non-carb alternative
If you look very closely at this sensible (I think) menu you will see the word 'chocolate' written in very small letters between every line - and sometimes every word.

Posts are like buses...

...nothing for ages and then 2 in one day (well, strictly speaking it's now tomorrow but you know what I mean). It's just that I won't be back at a computer now until next week and wanted to get the diet/food stuff down now. So to speak.

It's mostly bad with a scant smattering of good. Bad first - my sugar obsession is back and rampant. Today I have had a big Quality Street (purple), a pack of M&Ms (peanut - when I'd got so hungry I was shaking), a pack of M&S chocolate brazil nuts, 4 Lindors from the smack table, a mini Gu chocolate pot and 4 pieces of dark chocolate with raspberries. It's possibly a slightly worse day than normal but I could do worse damage than even that. I wake up thinking about chocolate. Even I know that's crazy. And I have not had the guts to weigh myself (although in other ways I have far too much gut to weigh myself). My clothes do fit but more snugly. And if I carry on like this they soon won't. Which will serve me right of course.

On the not-really-mitigating-at-all side, I have kept the exercise up although I still hate it (and running in the dark is so not fun. Or the light to be honest but there is something that makes me even more resentful about tearing myself from my bed in the dark). I don't eat such large portions of food at meals - I've recognised that I can eat far less. Of course, my sugar demon muses over cutting down food even further to eat more chocolate. And I mostly keep away from bread, rice etc Would say carbs but chocolate is clearly a carb. I'm eating less fruit too - again, when balanced against more chocolate this really loses any impact.

I don't want to go back to LL. I've got some packs saved for emergency post Christmas treatment - about 10 days' worth - but don't want to get permanently back into that. If I could control or eliminate the chocolate (and occasional diversionary forays into cakes and sweets) I think I'd be doing okay but I cannot work out how to do this. Other than to acquire will power from somewhere. Every night I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be better. It hasn't been. I can't go back there - the photos from the GCW were such a disappointment because I thought that for the first social event for ages I wouldn't feel that kick of shame and self-loathing when I saw photos. But I still looked fat - even after all the work and sweat and tears. Do I feel bitter? Yes, a bit. And a bit confused. I know it's my fault though, I could have been under 10st by now and in that mythical, perfect BMI - as unlikely as that sounds and feels. Surely I wouldn't still look fat then? Maybe. Who knows? Don't think I'll ever find out. But I'd soooo settle for a smallish 14 (despite November's Marie Claire talking breathlessly and squeamishly of the bravery of women who try to be happy even though they are as huge as a 14 (gasp) - yeah, thanks for that MC, nearly blew a gasket in rage) but think I'm a standard 16 again.

Off to Aldeburgh for a long weekend. Walking and eating - bliss, I'm afraid. Won't be eating so much chocolate though as will be with b/f. Maybe this could start getting me out of this dreadful and deepening rut. Any other ideas would be welcomed with fervant anxiety.

Mind the gap

It's been a while, I know. Thanks for the comments - I think 6 is a personal best! I tend to think that no-one reads me so it's really nice to know you're all out there. It's nice to feel part of a gang (in a non-Asbo kind of way)!

So a quick catch up on all things Peridotty.

Great Chav Wedding - grim, grim, grim. The bride came up the aisle to DJ Sammi, the tables at the wedding breakfast were named after cheap booze (Archers, Cinzano, Baileys) and we all got a miniature of said booze as a wedding favour (mine was Cinzano - I ask you, does anyone even drink this any more?), my new sisters-in-law are the roughest, orangest women I've ever seen - short on clothes but big on make-up. Bright, tight dresses (one with unfortunate ruching) bare orange legs and very high shoes. In fact, all the female friends were like it too. I really stood out - I'd channelled Dita von Teese in that I embraced my very pale skin and went for a late 40s look (the 1940s, not that of a 40 something woman!) and red lips.

The father of the bride (who looks like Pete Beale but more florid and louder) was drunk by his speech, insulted my brother and went on to start a fight (we'd left by this point). The mother of the bride was scary. All the photos were of the Chav and her family (possibly a blessing since I am not photogenic and the only couple of photos of me I saw (taken by other members of my family) showed me looking disappointingly fat) with none of us. The children stole the show but cried because they were so cold. The bride's dress was okay - very tight with a massive fishtail all around her like a podium and alot of rhinestones, but otherwise okay. She didn't speak to any of us! And Lily (my mother's gorgeous chocolate labrador) got very very bad kennel cough and was having what I called yak attacks - where she was phlegming all over the carpet in the rented cottage so we had to get back, she was quite unhappy (as you would be).

Work is manic though - hence my silence. And whilst I was away they've promoted a rank amateur to be my line manager. I quite like him as a person but he is WAY out of his depth and is asserting his authority by throwing his weight about and being patronising. I was very unhappy about it - and still am but am kind of avoiding him. So I have no support. Am applying for other things though.

On the bright side, my best friend R is pregnant which is lovely, longed-for news and Naughty R is engaged. Go the Rs! They say things come in 3s so I'm waiting for more good news. And I wouldn't mind at all if I were the subject!

Diet - I have to run as I'm on call tonight so this will have to be a WHOLE other post. It's just such a complex issue that I can't just quickly dash something off. It's still a problem. I feel pulled down by it - I am SICK of thinking about it. And sick of ignoring it whilst I sneakily eat chocolate too. I wish I was one of those people who can't eat if stressed, upset etc though - but I am the opposite.

The Great Chav Wedding

I sooo don't want to go. I have finally got an outfit (or mostly) - size 14 skirt, size 18 shirt and size 16 jacket, what does that mean? The shirt is admittedly very fitted and the 16 did fit except for one button across the bust but I still feel very fed up about buying anything that's an 18. But after about 6 full days of shopping (not all consecutive) I was at screaming point and pretty desparate.

The Chav bride has had 3 of her 4 proposed hen events - my brother stood firm about no3 which was to have been a week away with some of her chav friends whilst he took on all the child care with the help of my mother.

Today I raised with my brother how wrong I felt it was that my mother wasn't invited to any of the hen dos - I think it is general practice. He disagreed and then we got into a whole email conversation which he claimed to do alot for my mother (I don't think he does). I pointed out that she does alot for him too. He thinks that anything involving his children is actually a huge treat for the person roped in - so all her babysitting was rather brushed aside. And he said the chav side of the family did alot more, then he said that he knew I wasn't the chav's greatest fan. I replied that I had never said anything against her (well, to him at any rate!) and it was clear that she didn't like me or my mother (we went over there this morning as my mum takes daughter 1 to nursery on a Thursday and chav didn't even say hello) but that it was his choice. I just got an email back saying he was going to leave it and "that was stupid". I feel very stirred up about it. And now I want to go to the wedding even less. And I especially don't want to do a reading - it's clear I was only asked as everything else is entirely dominated by her family and friends. My mum, bf, aunt, cousin and I have all been put on the same table with all the children to look after (none of them are ours) so it's clear that we're being used as a cheap childcare option.

The chav and her sisters and her mother are all going for a spray tan just before the wedding (the chav is ginger and these fake tans make her look top to toe orange). At least, as I told bf, he will be able to tell who is joining the family as they'll all be neon orange. Nice.

Do it myyyyy wayyyy?

I'm still not well. I feel like I have a big lump stuck in the base of my throat and my throat is generally sore. I didn't run again this morning as I was feeling too rough and I am anxious about how hard it will be to get back to it properly. I had appalling mouth ulcers over the weekend - 4 although 3 of them eventually merged - which are at least getting better now. And my nails are crumbling which always makes me concerned about my bones. I am not a picture of health! Packs are not the panacea my last (foolish) LL claimed.

But I did do a (hilly) 7.5 mile walk on Sunday with my mother, her Labs and the bf and I did walk 2 miles in along the Thames path today. I actually saw someone running the path barefoot - I mean, wtf? On a sunny beach - all very nice, on a chilly day in urban London - dumb. Least he was running I suppose - unlike me! I bet I have nicer feet though!

I think I have enough packs to do my version of LL (3 packs, c100g protein and a piece of fruit) until the Great Chav Wedding(GCW). Which is just as well as I am scarily broke. I blame the GCW for this too. I still don't have an outfit - just 2 skirts - and am running out of time, impetus, money and interest. Another shopping session is planned for tomorrow to try and find top halves for either skirt after which I suspect I will have reached saturation point with the whole fiasco! Although I am still mildly keen on buying shoes. I think I developed a love of shoes when I was at my fattest - you can still have lovely accessories, whatever your size - but even then felt I couldn't wear anything too pretty/showy/high heeled. I still feel like a bit of a heifer - comments from Dr Bonkers notwithstanding (see previous entry) - but suddenly have an urge to learn to walk in heels without agonising pain or crippling myself by falling over. This could be a challenge.... For my other brother's wedding I put on a pair of 3.5" heels and promptly fell over. I hadn't even walked anywhere, just stood up!

And post GCW - what to do? I have something on most weekends in November which would mean hopping on and off LL and I'm not even thinking about December. So I'm tentatively thinking about re-trying the off-piste VLCD. That would be something for breakfast that I haven't really cracked yet (can only think of Slimfast bar), some soup for lunch (either homemade or 1/2 carton of Covent Garden or similar) and some protein with salad/veg in the evenings. And 1-2 pieces of fruit. I think that would still be under 800 calories or so and thus still a VLCD but perhaps I am deluding myself in my keeness to leave packs behind. But surely I'd still lose weight reasonably rapidly if I stuck to that? The sticking to it bit being the magic pill of course. I have a track record of going spectacularly off plan when I try and go it alone. But I have to crack this or I'll forever be yo-yo-ing on and off packs - not a fun way to live. And these pills that Dr Bonkers has prescribed are supposed to help with all that - I can't know whether to continue them (with all the hassle that that will inevitably entail with my GP) unless I actually try them properly.

I won't be at my thinnest for GCW and I won't be in the next stone bracket down (roughly the same thing actually) which makes me anxious and also feelings of hopelessness creep in - which leads to eating - which leads to putting on alot of weight in a scarily short space of time, based on past performance. I must not let this happen. GCW will be grim enough without feeling self-conscious and knowing that I messed up my chance to give it a good go. So, concentrate until then and see where that takes me I think.

Bedside manners

I've not been well for about a week to 10 days. I seem to be run down and I do blame the packs. I have these vile boil/spots on my neck (never been seen before in the history of Peridot), an extremely painful mouth ulcer and I'm coming down with a cold combined with an added bonus of nausea. Last week I had a bout of sickness and dizziness too. Very odd. And I feel rather sorry for myself to boot.

So last week I think I only ran maybe twice and the same this week - I just couldn't go this morning I felt too rough. I have done a fair amount of walking too though. And I've been mixed on my packs (which might make it a bit unfair to blame them) - some days I've had my 3 as planned (plus small portion of protein and piece of fruit) and some days I've actually only had one because I've picked off the dreaded smack table. My weight is creeping slowly down though - I've lost 10-11lbs in the last 3 weeks I reckon. It still means I won't be at my slimmest by the great chav Halloween wedding but I have to aim to get as close as I can.

And I finally got to see my specialist on Wednesday. He's always good value - he's so eccentric he makes me laugh and of course he has this wealth of knowledge that is great to tap into. I talked to him about how if I crack on the diet I go beserk on sugar to the point of physical discomfort. He agrees with me that it's a physical thing rather than a psychological reaction. We talked about the fact that trials on what's known as a "semi starvation diet" demonstrated this very response and he said that the after-effects would last some time after I'd stopped dieting - the impulse to binge seems to be the body's backlash against being starved. He's put me on reductil to see if that quells the urge to binge and said if I see any difference to stick with it and if I don't, to get my GP to up the dose. What he really wants though is for me to stop dieting and concentrate on maintaining the weight I am now for a few months to get past the binge urge and then look at losing some more weight if I want to. But I explained that I'm not happy where I was - when I was a stone lighter even, I was starting to feel 'normal' and now I don't (not helped by huge protruberances from my neck!). He's so funny. He made me stand up so he could look at me and said that I look absolutely 'normal' to him; he doubted I'd be asked to do any catwalk work but that I could easily do a Dove advert and if I were on Trinny and Susannah or Gok they'd think I was mad! He just made me laugh and laugh - this clearly eccentric man in his 60s tossing around modern, female references. He's also concerned that I hate running so much and is pushing me to try tango!

Anyway, it's almost 6.30pm and the office is deserted. My sofa and a chick flick are calling me as bf is out and I feel so lousy. It's very difficult not to 'treat' myself with a lovely dinner - or any type of food indulgence - since these are two trigger factors for me (illness and dinner on my own) and I think not giving in will make me feel sadder but there we go. Sadder but thinner - that's the key!

Keep on running

This week I've run three times - Tuesday, Thursday and today. It was especially hard work this morning and very hard to keep going. I was so tempted to cut it short and had to really force myself to continue. I run for the same amount of time (40 mins) but am covering less of the park in that time than I was before Wales. When I start out on my runs it's so dark I have to use the light function on my watch to see the time (for my intervals) ticking away; it only gets light about halfway through. This may be why I seem to have the park to myself again!

One of the reasons I pushed myself so hard this morning was that yesterday I only had one LL pack (of the 4 you're supposed to have and 3 that I'm having) to make up for half a doughnut, a large handful of Maltesers and a wedge of brie from the smack table. I don't even like Krispy Kremes! And wouldn't even if they had a sensible name - just toooooo sweet. I don't know if that's why I'm so hungry today. I had to have my bar at about 11am and I usually hold off until c1pm - and I'm STILL ravenous. Clearly I can't be in ketosis but my feet are freezing too.

Next week I've got to make an effort to find something to wear for my brother's wedding. It's more traumatic if you feel fat of course. I'm planning on trying on 16s but buying a 14. I don't think that's too ambitious given that I was a 14 before this latest blip but as we all know, 14s vary wildly. I should be able to have a last minute panic and take it back though if I can't de-blubber in time.

I'm working - just covering - from Saturday morning to Sunday morning so not a great weekend ahead. No lie in either as I have to be up before 9am on each day! If the weather's nice though we might manage a walk on Sunday - bf wants to lose weight too so it makes sense to spend our time being a bit active if it's enjoyable too. Then Monday back to the exasperating LL class. Apparently one of the 2 big gobs in the class was actually allowed to TAKE the class while the LLC was away (I was in Wales but Naughty R told me)! Arghhhhhhhh.

Satan Sugar

Well I'm back on the pack gang. I'm trying so hard not to be sad or resentful about it. Packs may suck but so does being fat. Of course, at the moment I'm on packs AND fat but it's a question of gritting my teeth (also useful in that it inhibits food consumption!) and get on with it until the scales tip. Literally as well as figuratively.

And by the time I started (yesterday) I had put on a shade less than 2st since my lowest weight a month or two ago. That's shocking, it really is. I am amazed and very, very scared at the rate it piles back on. And this is with running twice last week and doing 3 walks over the weekend, from 5.5miles to 9miles. What does that say for the long term? I know I can't keep yo-yoing in this fashion.

I'm also trying to remind myself of all the bad effects of sugar, especially when it sings that siren, seductive song to me as it will, loudly, over the next few weeks:
1) Makes me fat
2) Makes my teeth get hyper-sensitive and painful (weird but true)
3) Makes me jittery and stops me sleeping
4) Gives me the shakes when it wears off
5) Leaves a funny taste in my mouth
6) Has just started giving me stomach pains (indigestion?)
I'd like to think of more (anyone?) but that ought to be enough to keep me off it - if I am remotely sane. Which I am unsure about when it comes to sugar, frankly.

So day 2 of packs, one hilly 4 mile walk and one 2.5mile run down.

But sadly, I think I'll still be a stone to a stone and a half off the weight I want to be for my brother's wedding to the chav on Halloween - and not even as low as I was before I messed it all up. I'm not sure what to do about an outfit in that case - I don't want to buy something that potentially won't fit me for long (and at the same time I don't really believe I can get much smaller than I was). But then, I don't have any great desire to be anything much smaller than a small size 14 anyway - and I don't know what that will look like on the scales so what I'm aiming for in any case. Hmmm.

Food thoughts

Not that my mind isn't constantly on the subject of food anyway - sad but true. Seriously, I'm constantly wondering what I might fancy to eat next. Sometimes I manage not to pursue this and leave it, often I give in. I possibly think more about food on packs but act on it more seldom. Anyway, these are the things floating around at the forefront of my confused little brain:

1) I seem to be getting some sort of indigestion type thing (I think - I assume that's what it is) when I eat too much sweet stuff. Never happened to me before. Not putting me off. But makes me wonder why...

2) In Wales, on one of the rare walks, I noticed that I had MORE energy last time I did the walk in May. I had been on low carb immediately before that holiday. Interesting...

3) I am completely in conflict about the thought of returning to packs. On the one hand I dread it, especially when I'm thinking about stews, soups, crumbles and general winter fare (NOT about enforced separation from sugar which is what you would think would have me whimpering in fear). On the other I almost feel a type of relief that it will take me away (to a certain extent) from the tyranny of sugar (see above). And get me back into my clothes of course which is the main thing and something I crave as much as sugar.

4) AM starting to feel that panic about wanting to hoover up anything I might conceivably fancy whilst being on pack deprivation. Not good, not healthy and reinforces the yo-yo-ing behaviour I seem to be up to my neck in and that I'm getting more and more anxious about. And don't know what to do about.

So, weekend in New Forest - weather forecast good so walks to balance inevitable big breakfasts and dinners. Culminating in cream tea at my mum's on Sunday. Then packs will commence (dooooom) - talk about sublime to ridiculous. Did a second run this morning despite being so stiff and sore that I could hardly move yesterday. Thinking secondary stiffness is setting in as we speak. It better have busted some lard for all this pain, that's all I'm saying (especially given pending cream tea).

Drying out

Well, we're back from Wales, soggy and fat. I had hoped that the additional weight was caused by water logging but now I've dried out it doesn't seem to be! The weather was atrocious - severe weather warnings, gales, autumnal chilliness, torrential rain, floods - so much so, that although we'd gone with all the gear, we only managed to walk on 3 of the 12 days as the rain was so bad. It rained EVERY DAY. Bf wondered why the sheep were so white - BECAUSE THEY WERE CONSTANTLY ON A COLD WASH CYCLE. In fact, I reckon they'd be easily ten times as big and fluffy naturally but had been shrunk in the permanent wash. So we spent alot of time chuntering about the weather in tearooms, eating cake. Which was nice in a way (and surely very traditionally British?!) but - coupled with enforced inactivity - means that I am now 1 and a half stone heavier than my lightest weight of late July/early August. It goes on so easily! And comes off so slowly! Why??? (delivered in whiny whimper)

This weekend we're in the New Forest for bf's big 5-0 birthday weekend, courtesy of his sweet parents. More eating but hopefully more walking too. Well, a maxium of 2 walks really - and only one will be a long one but I'm looking forward to it anyway. And - shush - the forecast doesn't mention rain. So far..

Then, sadly, it's back to packs for me. I think until the great Chav Wedding at the end of October. At the moment, nothing fits me (just to spell it out, all my clothes are too tight and linger graphically over my lardy stomach) and I have to get back in to them just so I don't have to wear the same thing every day (and feel dreadful in it to boot) and so buying an outfit for Chav Wedding won't be too extraordinarily traumatic.

I'm back to the running. It was SO hard after less than 3 weeks away. I ran yesterday morning (s-l-o-w-l-y) and can barely move my legs without wincing at the pain in my front thighs today (I'm guessing there's a technical name for that bit). But that's got to be good, right? Will be back out there tomorrow at 6.15am, sigh. Assuming that my legs still operate then....

And Naughty R - what a girl! Our LLC reckons she's 3 weeks away from being smack bang in the middle of her ideal BMI and off the packs for good. Wow - a moment of awed silence from me. I don't think I'll ever get to the mythical ideal BMI but I'd be happy - deliriously so - as a small size 14, which I reckon I need to lose at least 2st for.

My biggest challenge is finding a long term way of life that doesn't involve swinging between binging and packs like some demented yo-yo. And I don't have a clue as to how to achieve that. I'm dreading packs but I also feel stuck at the moment - stuck in fat, panic-eating sugary oblivion. There must be a middle ground - it's how I find it and stick to it long-term. Still, short term first! Packs. Embrace them I must. Woman cannot live by cake alone - sadly. I've proved that one beyond a shadow of a doubt - count it as my gift to science.

Silence is ominous

It's been ages since I last wrote - and you can always assume from that that it's not going well. In fact I had got myself so worked up and in such a negative twisted spiral that I've just stopped to try and sort myself out a bit. I was consistently having a bar in the morning then falling prey to the smack table and so not having any further packs to compensate. It was seriously doing my head in - literally. I seemed to have nothing in between packs and binge. So, given that I was going to stop this Friday for a bit anyway, I actually stopped last Friday. I am trying to find some calm and moderate eating - which I am doing and doing much better than the faux packs diet - but still finding difficult, the lure of sugar is no less seductive with some fruit, veg and protein inside me. My fear was that I'd come off packs and eat everything in sight, thus compounding that pattern of behaviour where I'm either starving (packs) or binging. Especially since I'm essentially stopping to treat myself on my birthday before we go away - and I will be having carby stuff that day that I would ordinarily not have (really! There is a lot of denial in my diet - it probably just doesn't sound like it!) like scotch pancakes for breakfast which will be the kiss of death I know, as I will be hungry again about 2 hours afterwards but will thoroughly enjoy and will simply eat something else as nutritionally bankrupt when I get hungry again!

I have kept up the running. I even tried to up my runs - I'm currently doing 40 mins of run for 3 mins, walk for 1 min but I tried to alternate 4 mins and 3 mins run. I only managed 2 x 4 mins runs and on the third had to cut it to 3mins - and then needed to walk 2 mins to recover before I could run again and even then I could barely run I was so tired with such wobbly legs! Now, it was the day before my period started which is when I'm particularly tired and weak but even so, the level of exhaustion was still very pronounced and I've been too scared to try again since then. Again, I'll do my normal 3 runs this week but next week will only be 1 or 2 and then I'll be in Wales for the next 2 weeks. So currently, the plan is to come back from Wales, start running again (which I know from experience will be tough) and once I've got used to that again, then have another go at increasing the runs.

Bf got very narked with me this morning as I went out running in the rain. I thought I was being rather heroic and was rather impressed with myself but he was extremely annoyed and thought I was stupid and irresponsible (and worse words) as I just went in leggings and a t-shirt as normal. I did get quite wet but wasn't cold, but as he was leaving the flat - frothing at the mouth with irritation and crosspatchness - he was saying something technical about warmth/coldness which I didn't understand. He ran for the county as a teenager and knows alot more about it than I do (not hard!) and I think he makes the assumption that I know some of this stuff too. I really didn't think there was a problem in getting wet (apart from aesthetics!) but it sounds as if there might be - would rather he didn't get so angry with me about it though, I would have been happy to listen to advice. Have sent friendly email as an olive branch and hope he won't still be annoyed when he comes home tonight (but will fret about the prospect all day).

Who needs men?

Met up with a friend last night - it's the first time we've properly got together and chatted and it was fabulous! I left on almost a high and despite going to buy bf pizza from M&S on the way home, managed to avoid all naughtiness - because I felt happy I think. Friend and I were joking that it was like a date - the whole actually getting together and would we get on or not thing - and I doubt that a mere man could give me that shot of happiness that a good girly chat can achieve.

Which is all the better as I had a particularly naughty day yesterday - I had a meeting first thing in a private company where they'd provided breakfast from Pret. If you work for the public sector you tend to have that student mentality around anything free and I had half a breakfast baguette, a muffin (let's be honest, a cake), a glass of apple juice and some fruit. Then had some sweets from the smack table and a few chocolates. So it was a pack-free and senseless day on the eating front. Must get back on track for these last couple of weeks. And I need to work out what I can do in the future - both to lose weight and to not put weight on. It's a big question and I don't feel equipped to answer. I know some of what I must NOT do but that doesn't make it any easier actually.

Tough love - and dilemmas

So I was talking to Naughty R last night and was talking about why I have this emotional attachment to food and she said "You're just fucking greedy"! It made me laugh. Maybe she's right - but if so, why am I greedy when I know it causes me pain in the long run? Can't help thinking there's more to it than that but maybe I'm deluding myself.

Dilemma #1: I have seen a potential dress for my brother's wedding. I've only seen it in a supplement and I have no idea if it would actually suit me, although it looks promising. It's dark olive with a pale olive sash detail and I wanted to get some coloured clashing shoes - Naughty R suggested yellow, which would be perfect. I was passing a Hobbs this lunchtime and in their sale they have some gorgeous (if high) yellow peep toe shoes, reduced from £139 to £39. The dilemma is: do I get them and gamble on the dress being right or do I wait and gamble on being able to buy yellow shoes (as nice) later in the year? I dithered but the helpful sales assistant in the store said I could call them and have them set aside but of course when I DID call the unhelpful sales assistant (a different one) said not! Now I can't readily get them I'm stressing that the decision will be taken away from me.

Dilemma #2: Naughty R is keen for us to join a gym. In theory I'm quite interested - especially as there's one in between our offices that's £50 a week (and £39 joining fee) but only when I'm not paying £66pw for packs. But could I/should I still run? Or should I stick to the running? I don't enjoy it but my mother said she can see my thighs are slimmer and it's free. And should I join a gym at all? Hmmmm

LL class was annoying. The same two women massively monopolised the session and the rest of us just sat there whilst they talked and talked and talked about themselves. And the whole attitude of 'packs are good and healthy' annoys me. They're not healthy, they're a quick fix. Losing weight is obviously good for your health but that's where it stops. I know - and feel they should too - that the healthy way to lose weight is with a healthy diet and loads of exercise, it's just that that's bloody hard and takes alot of time, effort, focus and determination - none of which I have much of. I will NOT be incorporating packs into my life, long-term as was suggested - there's a new bar that the LLC said is for management. I queried why you'd want a bar on management and LLC said it's convenient to carry around. It's a crutch! Not a bar! A crutch! And not one I'd want. And it's covered in chocolate - how's THAT for twisted thinking, healthy? I don't think so - so let's not pretend otherwise. Phew, bit of a rant there.

Food is not the answer...

But I don't know what the right question is. I'm really grappling with why I'm finding it so hard to stay abstinent and why food seems to matter so much. I have lots of questions - which are basically all permutations of 'why?' - but no answers. I can say to myself that it's just food and it doesn't matter - but it does. But why? See what I mean... Anyone with any answers please let me know before I drive myself completely mad. It's quite disturbing.

So from this you will gather that I'm still doing my half pack, half food, completely un-nutritionally balanced version of the diet. I've lost a bit of weight but am still 3lbs up on where I was a couple of weeks ago. And it's really messing with my head (see above). I only have a week and a bit before I come off LL for almost a month and that doesn't help with the impetus to keep going. The trick will be not to go mad when I'm off LL - one thing that my current lack-lustre, half baked, off-plan foolishness has proven is that I don't need large quantities of food to get by, that's just greed.

I am still going on with the exercise though (and intend to carry that on, LL notwithstanding) - last week I did 3 x 40 mins runs (3 mins running, 1 min walking) and 2 x 45 min walks and I'm intending to do the same this week. This morning's run was the hardest one for a long time - I just felt exhausted and got a stitch about halfway through. Yesterday I had a pack first thing, then some popcorn that my 3 year old neice made me and 3 of her fizzy cola bottles, then about 4tsp of peanut butter and a small piece of brie in the evening followed by a final pack. Perhaps that's too bonkers a diet to run on and that's why it was so hard.

It's Naughty R's inaugral session at my LLC tonight - will be interesting to see what she makes of it. My time there will be much improved by her being there but I feel a bit mean that I'm only likely to do this Monday and next and then to disappear until 22 September. And that's if I can bear to go back. Which I will have to if I put too much weight on given that I've got my brother's wedding to the chav at the end of October and want a nice frock for the occasion.

Attack of the killer arachnid

So last night I thought I'd have an early night as I was so tired. Bf was out boozing (which he'd probably call 'networking' or 'debreifing'). I headed into the bedroom at 9pm, switching the light on and pulled the curtains. And there was THE most enormous spider I've ever seen, skulking menacingly on the curtain. I ran top speed out of the room whilst my heart decided whether to stop altogether or beat at 800 beats per minute. It went for the latter and I swear all the hair on my head was on end. I used to be a real arachnophobe and had hypnotherapy to stop me going catatonic or into hysteria. So, I'm alot better but still extremely frightened. I managed to stay in the flat (quite an achievement) and as I'd had a text from bf to say he was on his way home at 8.50pm just called my mum to try and calm down. But at 9.30pm I had to ring bf to check where he was - I needed him home now. He was still in the pub but, to his credit, left immediately. He got home at 10.40pm and it was just as well he had some dutch courage - this thing was too big to catch with a beaker (his usual method), he had to use a pudding bowl. I am not kidding. He had to dismember it into several pieces to flush it down the sink. (I insist he kills them). Don't tell me they're more frightened of me than I am of them (my grandmother's phrase) because there's no way that's true - I'm terrified. But by the time I calmed down and got to bed (all my stuff to get ready is in the en suite beyond the bedroom) it was about 11.30pm - so much for my early night.

But, heroically, I got out of bed in time to walk along the Thames path this morning. This means that as long as I run tomorrow (and I can't at the moment come up with a compelling excuse to avoid it) I'll have run 3 times this week and walked in twice. It was not sunny so I probably looked slightly poncey in my sunglasses but I needed them to hide my nosiness in everyone. Most surreal experience was an exotic looking man playing an indescribably perky rendition of "If I Were a Rich Man" on the glockenspiel under a bridge.

Not doing so well on the pack front though. I keep picking (at protein and the odd bit of fruit so could be worse) and so forego my last 2 packs of the day to compensate. So yesterday I had a pack for breakfast, some ham, a bar and 2 nectarines for lunch and 2 slices of smoked salmon and 3 tsp of peanut butter for supper. I am trying to stick to the packs today (and henceforth) and not take the yummier option of substitution. Weight is not exactly dropping off me - only lost 3lbs of that 10lbs so far.

Good news is that Naughty R will be coming to LL with me for the next month - she wants one final push to get down to her goal weight. She has concerns though that as long as she knows she can starve herself on packs for a week and get a good loss (and she does have good results), she doesn't have a disincentive to binging. I take her point. And I don't know what the answer is. I definitely don't want to have a long-term relationship with packs. She'll be the perfect antidote to all the dippy-hippy, wishy-washy cod-psychology!

And my manager's boss asked me if I was pregnant today! She knows I don't want children and I think it's a pretty rude thing to ask someone, especially in a corridoor! I instantly felt fat of course but when I thought about it, I think it was motivated by nosiness (she is the biggest gossip) as I went off for a quick private meeting with my manager yesterday and she can't bear not to know what it's about (just some careers advice between us). Still seething gently over it though.

Walk - don't run.

This morning I hauled my baggy arse out of bed - on a non-running day - to partially walk in along the Thames path. It's only just under 2 1/2 miles but I still felt super-virtuous. And it's just soooo much more pleasant than running - I arrived at work feeling calm and quite happy after walking relatively briskly in the sunshine for c40mins. After a run I just feel relieved it's over! And sweat, puce etc But I'm sure there's no comparison in terms of calories burned and muscles firmed etc. What a shame that it doesn't really count as proper exercise.

It's great for people watching too. Lots of people walk along the path - mostly eastbound whereas I'm westbound so behind my sunnies I am gawping away. One thing I noticed was that all the runners had rictus grimaces of pain - clearly I am not the only person who finds it unenjoyable! I didn't see a single runner who looked as though they were enjoying it.

And I enjoy looking at what the women passing by wear - for instance, there was one girl who looked amazing in boyfriend jeans, an orange and white smocky shirt and silver flip-flops. I would look really fat in such an outfit - or really pregnant. Or probably both! But she looked the epitome of laid back, casual and fresh. Then there was a woman with great - if towering - wedge sandals. She was sitting down so I consoled myself that she hadn't actually walked there but got a taxi. And a woman with a top I liked so much I was tempted to ask where she got it (milk chocolate short-sleeved, round neck fine knit cardi with pale olive dahlia type flowers embroidered on it - any clues anyone?). Mind you, there was also a girl with a conservative outfit of white shirt and pale beige suit-style skirt - over knee length semi opaque black leggings - NOOOOO! I am also determined to go out at lunchtime and buy some denim capri pants (to just below the knee) having seen 2 girls look amazing in them - despite the fact that last time I tried on 3/4 length trousers I looked like Benny Hill whereas they were both on the elfin side.

There was an article in the Express today which was interesting, if worrisome. It pointed to a piece of research - the details of which wasn't included so may be statistically insignificant - which said that of women who had successfully lost weight, the one in four who kept the weight off over the next 2 years averaged 55 mins of exercise, 5 days a week! Oh, and they were better at sticking to diets (small aside thrown in there!). Whilst I am clearly not at maintenance stage, I can't see how I would manage that amount of exercise short of giving up my job (tempting but not financially viable)! It sounds horribly as if I would have to run every day, not three times a week, and for longer. Even so, 55 mins is not possible before work. I reckon I could - and should - manage 40 mins but I think that's my lot. That and a brief trot out at lunchtime should tick the box but it's that pesky average again. It means that some people are having to do much more than 55 mins - and I'm definitely genetically disadvantaged when it comes to weight loss etc! And 5 days a week - arggghhhh.

A bit blue

No, I won't be writing porn - not that type of blue - but feeling a bit down. Which is ironic as the scales say I'm up. 10lbs up in fact. A week's worth of eating results in this - a cautionary tale for gluttons everywhere! I know I hit the chocolate in an insane way (no sordid details as I'm both ashamed and incredulous) but otherwise my choices were pretty sensible and there's NO WAY I have eaten 35,000 calories over and above what my body needs to tick over (working on the equation that 1lb in weight = 3,500 calories). I hope and assume that at least 7lbs of that is my glycogen going back on and that that will come off 3-4 days hence. It does rather beg the worrying question of what will happen when I'm back eating properly, full time? Clearly I can't allow that sort of lardage to zoom back on in that sort of timescale. Or at all actually.

Back on packs today and going to try and keep to the straight and narrow now until c25th August (a mere 4 weeks away) to lose the 10lbs and hopefully a further 11lbs to take me into the stone bracket I was in last week and on to the next stone bracket down. Which I'll ping straight back into when I start eating again! Arghhhh.

And things are bit pebbly with bf. Not as bad as rocky but we're basically not a good match in that I tend towards being a bit needy and clingy which is brought out by him being a bit of a cold fish. The cooler he is, the needier I get and the needier I get, the cooler and more detatched he gets. And he LOVES his work (lucky him) but that means that I feel very much a second fiddle - looooong days, boozy nights out 'networking' and calls, texts etc (he was texting from the bath which I determinedly didn't comment on).

I'm probably being ridiculous but I often feel that at best I irritate him and at worst, well.... put it like this, I never feel very secure. He would say that this is more about me than it is about him. He may be right but it doesn't make it any more comfortable, and right now I feel quite small and sad. Again, quite ironic since I'm actually quite big and sad. And feeling like this really triggers anxiety about my appearance. The only real enthusiasm I can think of from bf was me losing weight so if I feel he's being particularly cool and distant I feel a real need to lose weight and quick and demonstrably. I can see this is a bit skewed and warped but I guess it's actually quite useful while I am bulbous. If I were ever lithe and slim it might be more of a concern. I'm a sturdy girl though with a labrador like greed and so this is unlikely to ever be an issue!

So blue because of weight gain, blue because of bf and generally feeling quite frumpy and graceless. And ran very slowly this morning (due to not enough sleep because of fretting) and was definitely graceless as I puffed, hippo-like, around the park - no endorphin highs for me damnit. Perhaps I'll feel a bit brighter tomorrow if I get a good night's sleep tonight. Sorry for being so whingy.

Life sounds better to music. And ads apparently.

Ran this morning to Virgin (well, actually ran one circuit to XFM and one to some random station before I found Virgin) - but as Bono wailed earnestly "I wanna run..." I can't say I agreed (although I like the song). Music didn't put wings on my feet but any distraction is welcome - even inanities from a far-too-perky DJ. And my HUGE sugar binge yesterday (see below) didn't make me any more energised either.

Yes, I read lovely Lesley's comment exhorting me to go for it on the pack/food deprivation front with some shame. I went beserk yesterday and as it would now be Saturday before I'm back in ketosis - and I'll be eating that day and hence back out of ketosis - have decided on moderate food this week. I know that 'moderate' is not a word usually found in my vocabulary but I'm still going to try.

I went to a swanky private sector meeting yesterday where they'd lain out platters of croissants, cakes and muffins from Pret. I felt compelled to eat a lemon and poppy seed muffin. It wasn't that nice (had wierd marmaladey bits in) but I couldn't stop. Then I came into our very unswanky office and had some lunch (since I'd clearly blown it) - prawns and mayo dip, pepper hummous and crudites, a Thorntons chocolate bar, FOUR white nectarines and a Feast lolly that someone had bought me. Then I attacked the smack table and had 2 very large handfuls of assorted sweets (peanut M&Ms, jelly babies and fizzy sweets). Then I went absolutely hyper - my team had never really seen me in full sugar frenzy before and were quite visibly taken aback by my loopiness. Then we had an exceptionally tedious evening work function at which I ate pretty much a whole melon, some pineapple and a few berries (and a big piece of brie). Needless to say, my stomach HURT after this and I had to take some Motilium. Very out of control and Not At All Good. I didn't eat my remaining 3 packs unsurprisingly.

So, moderate eating until Sunday when it's day one back on packs. Then I must be good for 3-4 weeks and see where that takes me (other than to mid-late August). LLC says I shouldn't just go from packs to full on eating and says she'll do me a menu for a week's gradual re-habilitation but I might prefer to capitalise on the extra week's loss of poundage and do it the non-sensible way (which seems to be much more 'me'). I don't think I'll go to group on Monday though as I have enough packs for the week and could do with not spending an additional £66 if I don't have to. Think I can manage without cod-psychology for a week!

Noodle brain

Having puffed, wheezed and grumped my way around the park since February unaccompanied, I suddenly realised that although I still don't have the technology to get my ipod up and running (ho ho), I do have an ickle radio that I bought to listen to the Today programme whilst marching along the Thames path last year. I can re-tune that (surely no-one can run to the rhythm of Jon Humphreys et al?) to something cheesy like Virgin and voila, instant distraction! Of course, when I went to get it ready for this morning in a fit of enthusiasm the battery had run out (boom boom) and was the last AAA in the flat but by Wednesday I may have my sorely needed distraction! Feel almost excited!

But this morning was just the regular puff/gasp/wheeze variety of run. It was a weeny bit easier at first (due to food?) but I still got tired. I mis-timed one 'circuit' though (I'm not good with numbers) and ran for 10 secs less than 4 mins - when I came to a cartoon-like screeching halt as I realised. Still, nearly ran for 4 mins without stopping though!

I've had a weekend of eating. I caved on Friday and started then - not in a big way but definitely not in an abstinent way! I had some fruit which was lovely but not everything I ate was worth all the longing thoughts I've had about food in general. As you know, the whole eating thing was because we were going to friends for Saturday night dinner and would be there until after Sunday lunch. Generally the food was not great (love the friends though and they are busy people with 2 small daughters) except for the Hotel Chocolate chocs I took which were MAGNIFICENT, the wine that b/f took which was amazing and the strawberries that accompanied the cheesecake for pudding (I'm not keen on cheesecake). But we went for lunch on Saturday to a gorgeous Mexican restaurant called Wahaca near Charing Cross. They use all local produce but the food is very much authentic (apparently) and really delicious and you can have 2-3 dishes dim sum-style which I always like - would recommend it as much as the Observer did, who had it as their 'cheap eat of the year'. Sadly we were too full for churros for pudding - but that means we'll have to go back! All this food means that I've put on 3lbs but hopefully it's mostly glycogen and will come off in the next few days. And I know WHY which is the main thing, no railing against fate and flinging myself around in despair! We're off to a friend's for dinner on Saturday but have decided to come back in the evening rather than staying over so I will eat on Saturday and get back on packs on the Sunday.

Off now to take shoes back to Next that I bought for full price and were put in the sale at half price 4 days later. I hope they'll let me buy them for half price but I doubt it.

Surely some myth-take?

To further dispel this odd opinion that seems to have built up in my readers (yes, Mrs, I'm looking at YOU!) about my athletic prowess, I have shirked a run this week and although I could make it up, I'm not going to. I was intending to run Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week; I did Monday but felt so awful on Tuesday that I didn't run. And I very nearly didn't this morning either, scrabbling round in my mind for a litany of excuses - still having a period, b/f was late back from carousing last night and I didn't get to sleep until after midnight and had to get up at 6am to run and was already over-tired.... And by the way, how does he do that? He gets in late - I am in bed, I don't get to sleep because I'm aware he'll be in, then I can't sleep because I'm aware he's moving around (probably bouncing off inanimate objects), he gets in to bed and falls asleep in 3 seconds, I lie awake for a further half hour, humph.

Heroically, despite these grevious obstacles, I did indeed run this morning - with bad grace, both literally and figuratively - but I did. Hmmm, if that's heroic, what hero would I be? Puffalot? The Great Waddler? Wheezygirl?

Anyway, it means I've only done 2 runs this week, not the prescribed 3. And although I could go tomorrow, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO. I'm even off tomorrow but I'm going to Canary Wharf to look in the Next and Monsoon sales en route to Greenwich Market to buy a belt I've been thinking about since December. If I have time I might go to TK Maxx (but probably won't). I've only been once before and hated it but so many people seem to get great bargains that I feel I ought to give it another bash. And I'm going to have a humungous lie-in. I may watch a chick-flick. I will definitely re-varnish my finger and toe nails (not the same colour as I think that's too WAG - actually had a row with the girl in Nails Inc about this once). Running has no place in this self-indulgent day. I feel a bit naughty and rebellious - and I fear that there's a wave of guilt which will come and engulf me but hopefully not until I'm safely over the danger period (ie the time I might actually be compelled to run).

I think I'm feeling a bit more numb about packs (this is good). Obviously I'm about to eat (weekend away with friends this weekend - and next actually) so hopefully I can re-gain numbness swiftly afterwards. My weight was a bit further down yesterday. And I keep telling myself, I've only got 6 weeks until I'll be eating again for a month. Not thinking beyond that just yet. It's scary because I don't think I'll be at goal but pack-boredom and desire for food is overwhelming the fear. Every day I re-think what I'll eat on my birthday (27 August) - this is what I think about whilst I run actually, what irony! - we're definitely going for posh dim sum at Yauatcha in the evening, mmm.

How low can you go?

Feeling really fed up and down about this diet. I am so fed up of not being able to eat and the impact that that is having on my life. I think (hope) that this is just a stage - like it works with commuting - first you have the initial novelty factor to get you through, then you have the disgruntled hating it stage, then you hit acceptance. I'm in the disgruntled phase but I'm hoping to hit numb acceptance any day now. I'm certainly not going to quit - even with the nibbling (which is bad and which I beat myself up about regularly) and the s-l-o-w losses (3-4lbs on my scales, 2.6lbs on LLC scales) I AM going to continue until about 25th August and see where I am then when I'll be eating for about a month. So I have another 5 weeks or so, come hell or high water. Or come cake or chocolate!

And this weekend we're going to friends for the weekend which means I'll be eating Saturday night, Sunday morning and in all probability Sunday lunchtime too. The demon on my shoulder keeps saying 'oh go on, have a chocolate bar, you'll be eating at the weekend anyway' but I am hanging on in there. I will have to accept that I won't lose weight this week as my glycogen levels will be up and I mustn't let that derail me for next week.

People in my whacky group talk about the high they get on abstinence - and they speak of it as a physical high, not a psychological one. I don't get that - I wish I did. I don't get an endophin rush when I exercise either. Not fair!

I didn't run this morning either because I felt so weak and tired - then I came on, 2 days early so that explained that. Not that I'm happy about a 26 day cycle. Will see how I feel for Thursday's run. Bless you Mrs, for persisting in thinking of me as some kind of dedicated athlete - but if I channeled the feeling I get when running for danger food moments I would feel cross, resentful, sulky and puffed out. In fact, three of those are pretty spot on!

Weird Science

I'm still not in ketosis (nibbling I suspect) but my weight is starting to go down - go figure. And if you can, please explain to me. Having lost practically nothing for 2 weeks, I'd lost 3lbs by Monday and this morning (Wednesday) I'd lost another 2lbs. Not knocking it - long may it continue - just don't understand it. I thought I had to be in ketosis to lose weight - but apparently not.

I was jubilent that I'd run yesterday (I wasn't quite so happy yesterday by the way - it was a S-L-O-G) but the weather was so foul this morning that it would have been a problem. Of course, it means running tomorrow, sigh. But then not til Monday - hurrah! I have to keep telling myself that it IS helping me to lose weight or I wouldn't do it. Diet Delusion says exercise is not a great idea (and you have NO IDEA how much I'm paraphrasing since it's THE most techy and dry book ever. Ever. Ever!) because you tend to eat more to compensate - but of course the 'joy' of being on packs is that you're 'eating' just the same so that snag doesn't come and wallop you round the face (and glue lard to your hips).

Since I wrote the above I've had an incident with crisps again. Salt and vinegar chipsticks and frazzles - a handful of each. I'm really annoyed with myself. WHY don't I have any willpower? I was in a good mood today because of the unofficial WI this morning (probably now a thing of the past) plus some clothes trying on last night - and I thought that would armour plate me against the smack table. I even breezily put biscuits on it. I know all I can do is keep trying - every day being a new opportunity to stick with it - but I have to do more than try, I have to actually DO IT. Please god, tomorrow will be the day I find some inner strength. Any tips? Apart from wiring my jaws shut and supergluing me to my desk? Both of which I'm almost desparate enough to try....

A grey rainy Monday - in midsummer

Well it took me nearly 2 hours to get in to work today - should have been40 mins. And I spent 1 hour 10 mins on the Jubilee line, doing a 15 min journey. Then they turfed us off and I had to walk the rest of the way in the wind and rain.

And that's after getting up at 6am (okay 6.10am) to go running and realising from the weather that that wasn't a good idea. We have a (fairly basic and unpleasant) fitness room in our development. We pay almost £3k a year for service charge but the gym STILL isn't working - I last reported the treadmills as out of order at Easter and they're still not working, nor the steppers, nor the exercise bikes. And there's a huge hole in the ceiling. Our management company are the worst I've ever come across - beware buying anywhere that Peverel OM run, they've increased our service charge by over 120% in the 8 years we've been there but they do no decoration/maintenance and the charge goes up every 6 months. Our estate manager "doesn't have time" to talk to residents by phone or in person or to respond to letters. They really are beyond appalling.

I used a weird bike type thing and a cross trainer (as the only two machines which were still working) for 15 mins each but it was an annoying, depressing and stressful experience.

On my scales I have lost a distinctly unstellar 3lbs this week. This is the most I've lost in 2 weeks so I suppose I ought to be grateful - especially after my smack table binge last week - but I just feel weary about it all. Going to keep going until 25th August and then I'll see how close to goal I am and whether I can bare to go back to it after our 12 days in my brother's Welsh caravan and our weekend away for bf's 50th in the New Forest - which will make it 22nd September.

I read something really concerning in The Diet Delusion which I am slowly trudging through. It's not an easy read - very techy - but really eye-opening. There were a couple of experiments on "starvation diets", one in particular had a group of mentally tough men only allowed 1200-1500 calories a day (so a lot more than VLCD). They became unusually obsessed with food to the extent of collecting recipes (this was in the 50s when men didn't do such things!) and developed an incredibly sweet tooth (teeth?!) - a few even had psychological break downs. Moreover, when they were allowed to eat again, they massively over-ate, still claiming hunger, and put on all the weight they'd lost and some. Sounds scarily familiar. I'm not proposing stopping LL though - I'm already doing it so it's a bit late but it is interesting - in a scary sort of way. I'm hoping it's a case of forewarned. Don't think I'll mention it at group tonight though - they're not sciency sort of people!

One step forward, two steps back

I weighed myself this morning and I'd put on the 2lbs it's taken me two weeks to lose. I wouldn't have said I had eaten 7,500 calories yesterday (or even close), AND I managed not to have my final two packs, so I'm hoping that some of it is glycogen that will magically disappear - before WI preferably. Fingers crossed...

I went for a run this morning, wondering if the food would have given me some energy and I'd be fleeter of foot and full of pep and zest. Not a bit of it! I trudged round in my usual joyless way. I think that's a positive thing really as it would have been an additional excuse to eat if it had suddenly seemed easier.

I'm trying not to put any additional pressure on myself by getting freaked out that we're going to friends for dinner on two consecutive weekends soon - and the impact that is likely to have on my weight. It's the 19th and 26th of this month. Both will also involve breakfast the following day and the 19th-20th will probably include lunch too. I want to have lost at least half a stone by 19th. Ought to be more than achievable if I can stick to the plan. Then I'll hopefully be in a strong enough mindset to at least eat sparingly and make as wise choices as possible (no nibbles, frugal alcohol, small portions etc), knowing that the scales will go up as a result but to have the strength of mind to know I can get that down again.

Blown it

Well I've just blown it big time. We had a party at work to celebrate the end of a big piece of work and I've just eaten from the buffet. It was like the smack table but 5x the size. I had chorizo, cheese, grapes, crisps, chocolates, a mini flapjack and a fondant fancy. My heart is racing from the unexpected sugar load and I'm typing this to stop myself going back for more. I didn't have any of the fizz or wine but I'm not sure that that's any of comfort or merit.

I think it's unlikely that I'll be able to get back on track for WI as I only have 4 days until then (maybe I can dump the glycogen by then? If I'm lucky? Maybe...). But I guess I won't be losing weight this week either. Again. Damn, damn, damn.

I had lost a mere 1lb on my scales this morning since Monday so I'm still struggling to dump the fat. I was not impressed. And now of course I will have put that miniscule loss back on and then some. What I lack in good sense I certainly make up for in blubber.

I'm going to skip my 2 packs tonight if I possibly can, to make up for the stupid empty calories I have just stuffed myself with. I feel most odd - I don't think sugar has a good effect on me at all. Which doesn't explain why I want it so badly then. In my hypnosis recording Marissa says about sugar "your body doesn't like it and your body never asks for it". I think she's right but how do I convince myself to stay away? Especially when I'm supposed to be abstaining from ALL food? And even feeling as lousy as I do right now - physically AND mentally - I'm not sure I'd be able to do anything different next time. And there's always a next time here.

Heroic self control

I went to a meeting today where there was a large goldfish bowl of chocolate biscuits right in front of me on the table. INCLUDING Tunnock's Caramel Wafers. And I resisted! Twice! I felt sad about not having one - how ridiculous! - but kept thinking how I'd feel if I had a second week where the scales moved little or not at all.

I couldn't go for a run this morning because I had to leave home at 6.30am this morning to get in and do some specific work. I'm slightly light headed with tiredness now. And of course that means I'll have to run Thursday and Friday - two consecutive days which isn't ideal. I may not survive the week. In which case I'll be well narked off that I turned down that Caramel Wafer. (Twice)!

Forward facing

Well yesterday was a failure. At WI my weight was up but because they weigh in kilos I don't really know how much and I don't want to. I think that it showed a plus because I've gone from a first thing in the morning WI to an evening WI. On my scales I'd lost that (measly) lb - and I checked again this morning in case the sweets had caused my weight to increase yesterday and it still shows the same (ie 1lb down).

So I'm trying not to freak about it all but to write off this last week and settle down fresh to another week with determination - and then work out where I am and therefore what I want to do. Which does not include an option for scoffing lorryloads of sweets and chocolate etc

New LL group are a bit, erm, odd. I'm sure they're very nice but they're very, erm, spiritual/alternative, I suppose. They say things like "you are in the place where you are meant to be right now" (and they don't mean you've got the LLC's address right!) and "the universe will provide you with everything you need at any given time". The thing is, I'm a bit of a cynic and I found my mind clearly articulating to the latter that what I actually needed was a 5lb loss, a lottery win and some haribo fizzy sweets - the universe can't have been paying attention though as none of these things materialised. I think I'm going to find it difficult to click with this group as I'd rather have practical tactics but we'll see.

Big fat failure

I'm doing appallingly. I have lost 1lb in the last 10 days - that's with 4 runs and a 7 mile walk. And I don't make it easy on myself - I picked at some sweets on Friday and then picked at some protein at the buffet on Friday night (I didn't eat what I wanted but felt I needed to have a little), I was fine on Saturday and then on Sunday I ate half a dozen cherries and grapes and today - very down about the 1lb - I've eaten some kiddy sweets from our snack table. And I'm obsessed with going back for more and more and more, despite the fact that I feel miserable that I had any in the first place. I'm not going to though, I'm just not. I can't, I mustn't. There's no point in making a bad situation worse. I just find this vicious circle of not losing, so feeling down, then eating, then not losing so impossible to break out of, it's ridiculous. And every day I swear to myself that I'm going to be strong - but I guess I don't feel it, I feel small and sad on the inside and fat and sad on the outside.

And the running is such a slog. I feel a failure that I don't enjoy it - I positively dread it in fact. And I'm not progressing I think this is the 3rd week I've done week 9 - and now I discover that I've actually not been doing week 9 at all. Week 9 is 3 mins running and 1 min walking for 36 mins - I've been doing 32 mins. I did the full programme today but am losing heart. I don't do this for fun, I do it to lose weight and clearly that's not happening right now.

My LLC said I need to focus on healthiness but I don't care about it! I just want to look better. I also don't actually think LL is the right choice for healthiness - it's great for fast results (well, not at the moment for me clearly but otherwise and for people whose bodies obey them) but if I were being healthy I'd be doing Food Doctor or something similar. And failing at that too, no doubt!

My LLC also wants me to stop weighing but I know I won't do that. If I did, I'd have to feel this miserable until at least next week whereas if I can start dropping lbs then I will feel better and more able to stick to it - a virtuous circle I really need to get into the groove of.

I have WI tonight. It might well show a gain - I was only 1lb down on my own scales and have eaten sugar in the form of the kiddy sweets and my last WI was in the morning when I'd had nothing to drink or a pack whereas tonight will be in the evening after 3 packs and water (and the sweets). I'll do the usual of stopping water 2 hours before WI but I think my chances aren't good.

After tonight I am going to try my utmost to have a clean week and see what happens. No picking and keeping on with the running. And if I don't have a big loss next week then I will have to think about giving up. I hope it doesn't come to that but I can't really believe that my pathetic performance this week has been down to picking, I haven't eaten enough - there's something else going on and I don't know what else to do.

Rolls (of fat) reversal

If, as they say on LL, it takes 3,500 calories of over-eating to put on 1lb, how come I have put on 1lb since yesterday? Even with the crisp incident that cannot be possible. And it means that in the last 8 days I have lost - zip, zilch, nada, nothing. And tonight I am going to bf's sister's party where there will be a buffet. Feeling fat and fed up + buffet = trouble.

And today on the smack table - Minstrels, M&Ms, Jelly babies, two types of cake, two types of crisps with two types of dip. And I've had 5 jelly babies and 3 crisps - and a bite of a homemade chocolate brownie before I hurriedly gave the rest away. I toyed with some fruit and prawns at lunchtime in M&S and managed not to buy it, only to come back and eat crap.

It's a vicious circle. I'm down because I'm not losing but by cheating I make that more likely. And I think there's some rebellion - 'if I'm not losing why should I stick to it?' and 'I feel miserable so ought to be able to treat myself'. And I wonder if there's a bit of 'if I cheat a little and don't lose then I don't have to face up to the failure in the same way' buried deep, deep down.

I know I weigh myself too much but I usually only do it a couple of times a week - it's only because I'm desparate for a change which will show a loss for this week. I need that to give me some resolve to get through this rough patch. I almost didn't do my run this morning as I was so fed up - I don't enjoy it and if I don't see a pay-off, I don't see the point.

And still the sugary stuff is calling me. It's tempting to go 'oh stuff it, I've blown it, I might as well stuff my face' and I'm grimly hanging on and not giving in to the desire to SPRINT over to that smack table and go beserk. I have blown it and I can't think why I shouldn't do it but I know that I mustn't.

Ohhhh, I hope I have better news to post on Monday.

A tale of two girls

Compare and contrast: girl A who has been on LL 3 weeks and in the last week has lost 1lb (despite running three times in that week) with girl B who has been back on CD for less than 3 days and has lost..... 9lbs. You've guessed that I'm girl A, right? Well, Naughty R is girl B. I don't begrudge her her spectacular loss - especially since she is sticking to it - but I am bemused about my measly loss. It's been a calendar week now and I've only lost 1lb since I weighed myself last Thursday morning. Now I know I screwed up yesterday with the crisps and maltesers (and I didn't immediately ballet dance after eating the maltesers - perhaps it takes a whole pack...) but EVEN SO! I'm hoping I have a sudden whoosh at the weekend. In fact I'd go so far as to say I'm clinging on to that hope for dear life. As long as I can demonstrate a good loss on the scales on Monday evening at WI - and to myself at home on Monday morning - I can cope, gulp. What I can't cope with is only losing 1lb in 10 days (which it would be by Monday).

I was still in ketosis this morning which was good news - despite the crisp incident. I've been super-good today (so far - and the most dangerous period is almost over as I'll leave the office in the next hour or so) and tomorrow is running day (again). I start dreading the next run about 12 hours after I've done the previous one! Wish I could get bitten by that running bug...

I also had my first "you don't need to lose any more" comment today. Someone - a colleague - asked me if I'd lost more weight and then followed it up with the above comment. It's weird because I so clearly do. I'm still a size 14-16 so I can hardly be accused of wasting away. Bf asked me what I was aiming for the other night and I thought about it and said "Until I don't feel fat any more", to which he replied "you're not going to get that anorexia are you?"!!!! I don't think girls as hefty as me are at risk from anorexia! Especially not hefty, greedy girls who love food far too much - I'm practically counting down the days until I can eat again!

PS Oh dear

I have just eaten a (large) handful of crisps (maybe 1/3 of a small bag) and 4 maltesers. It's as much as I can do not to scoff loads more. And I mean loads. Why can't I resist this stuff? And my mouth feels really odd - as if my glands are coming up and my mouth swelling. I think it's unlikely I am allergic to crisps but that's how it feels. Wonder if that will knock me out of ketosis? Wonder if it will scupper my weight loss this week? Doubt I will get away with it. Feel guilty, miserable and hate myself for lack of willpower. Will consult Naughty R whether I should skip a pack to make up for it.

No progress

Firstly, thanks for your comments. As you will see Lesley, I am SO not hard-core. Mrs - my new group are 'returners', my old (hard-core) Sunday group were classic and virtuous 'developers'. And boffcat - I know this is an age-old debate! I would just hate to tell people what I'm doing (interestingly my LLC subscribes to this - she reckons it just makes people think they have the right to comment on what you're doing, their thoughts on dieting etc etc) and just the thought of it makes me cringe. But I'm sure there are good arguments for being out and proud! I'll have to rely on (flawed) self-policing.

I have lost a measly 1lb since last Thursday (today is Wednesday). I'm not at the despair stage as I have noticed that I can weigh myself and see little/no difference and then weigh myself a couple of days later and have lost a respectable c3lbs. I want to lose 5lbs (+!) this week so it had better get a move on to suddenly drop off. WI is now on Monday but I'll be re-weighing tomorrow and at the weekend and Monday (to tally against LLC scales). I'm not despairing but I am anxious and trying to keep a lid on it since stress leads to food which leads to weight gain which leads to... Well, you know where this is going.

And work is really stressful at the moment. And the smack table is full as ever (Belgian chocs yesterday which I missed, thank god, and croissants and smoothies so far today). And I am hungry - emotionally and physically. Sometimes it all feels too much. I know that eating will make me feel more stressed (and guilty and self-loathing) but it's quite hard to not eat, just the same. I was at an all day meeting yesterday and part of it was a working lunch - sandwiches, crisps, biscuits and fruit. I said I had to pop out and make a call and scoffed down a bar then. I picked at a bit of chicken from the middle of one of the sandwiches and seemed to get away with that. It was hard (I could really smell the sugar in the nice looking biscuits) and I was hungry and I felt excluded - and I STILL felt bad about the scraps of chicken I ate! I still do actually.

I ran this morning. I think I was getting over-excited about moving on to week 10 as today was a slog again. Less so than last week (pre-period) but still enough that I don't think I am ready to do more. I seem to be in a groundhog week of week 9! Something has to be better than nothing though, right? Even if LLC reckons it won't help me lose weight. And that is all that I'm interested in I'm afraid! Sure, it would be nice to be badged as 'healthy' but I'm really only interested in the aesthetics, if it really comes down to it. So I have to tell myself that running will make the weight come off faster (despite LLC!)

I have a VLCD penpal who is currently inspired by a comment made on the CD section of Minimins - that there are two types of people doing a VLCD, those who see the diet as a prison and are miserable all the way through even if they are losing weight and look forward to coming off it and those who see the diet as a release from the tyranny of obesity - they enjoy it and embrace it. Bless her, she thought I was one of the second group - but actually I am firmly in camp one. I am trying to think like a type 2 person though. And just think, one day - if I work very, very hard - I may have puffless knees! There's motivation!

The 2lb rule

So much for the 2lb rule! I lost 5.7lbs and last week 2 was 4.1lbs - so a bit off target. I am still hoping to lose an average of 5lbs a week from here on in though (I lost 3lbs+ a week when I did LL before) which would take me more or less to goal before my birthday and our holiday. Here's hoping....

And that's what got me out of bed and running round the park this morning at 6.15am. It was a bit easier than the last two runs - I'm putting that down to TOTM causing my exhaustion and heavy legs. I even ran a bit over my 3 min intervals a couple of times! I made some of the time back but as I needed a full minute to walk and recover but I still probably ran a bit extra. This could be a sign that I need to move on to week 10 (4 mins running, 1 min walking for 35 mins) but I think I'll see how I feel after run #3 this week before making any rash decisions!

But I've lost just over a stone now on LL which is good. I'm finding it hard though - have picked at a shaving of cheese about 4 times and ate 3 pickled onions over the weekend and a bite of my mum's nectarine! Hardly the end of the world but of course I wonder if I would have made the 6.1lbs without that. I've still eaten 3 crisps and half a shortbread finger today though. Must stop picking. Did avoid a whole sandwich lunch at a meeting though (hence crisps) and I have to do the same tomorrow - not sure how since it's a full day's meeting (today I said I had lunch back at the office). Might dash out for 'some fresh air' and scoff down a bar then as long as discussions don't continue over lunch - otherwise it's stuffing down a bar in the loo. Glamorous! And I still have to come up with an excuse as to why I'm not eating.

I'm changing LL groups too. It was becoming increasingly nightmarish negotiating the appalling London Transport closures on a Sunday and LLC suddenly said "Would it be more convenient to come on a Monday night?" YES! It's a returners group which is why she hadn't suggested it - but I am a returner! Okay, it sounds like I haven't gone as spectacularly off-piste as some of them but I feel like a furtive black sheep with my ultra angelic hard corers and might feel more comfortable with people struggling like I do. And the time is soooo much better for me as I can go straight from work. LLC said she can see I've lost weight as 'my knees look less puffy'! Clearly not a woman skilled in paying a compliment! A) I wasn't aware I had been flashing my knees and b) I hadn't realised they were puffy! They oughtn't to be with my running. Humph. I'm sure she meant well but really!

Group toughies

Lovely Mrs has been asking about my group etc. They are hard-core toughies! But nice ones. There were 7 of us I think on Sunday and a couple were away. They've all being on LL continuously (bar a couple of holidays), no returners - and they seem to have lost anything from just over 3st (like me! But this girl is at goal now and moving to RtM) to 6st+. The LLC is very clever, she just nudges the conversation along to make it more productive than a just a chat. It's pleasant because it does feel natural, like a chat, but you come out of it with things to think about.

I don't feel more confident this time around and I am finding tough still, but I think that I almost proved to myself whilst away from LL that this is the only way I can do it. CD made me realise how comparatively pleasant LL packs are - really glad I tried the CD ones though. And IPD made me realise that I can't lose weight that way - but I still believe in it as a permanent way of eating (or sensible low-carb/low GI) and will return there. Because I'm such a perfectionist I suppose, I still beat myself up mentally about slip ups - today I ate one (very small plain) biscuit and 2 marshmellows. I resisted the entire tin of chocolate biscuits (M&S Belgian if you're interested), the lemon cake and all the sweets but all I can focus on is the fact that I failed today. It's a vicious cycle - I ate something bad (chewing gum the other day) and knocked myself out of ketosis so I'm hungry, which makes me more likely to eat something, which keeps me out of ketosis which keeps me hungry. I'm not in the office tomorrow or the next day and that will mean no sugary temptation laid in my path which will be a relief.

I did my second run of the week this week. I still really don't enjoy them Lesley, would that I had been bitten by that particular bug! It was sooo tough this morning - I think the toughest yet. My legs were like lead and I had to haul myself round. I didn't get enough sleep last night which didn't help I guess. I got myself round by telling myself that I had to be burning my (extensive) fat reserves - on an empty stomach (particularly so) and feeling so exhausted must be a sign that I had nothing readily available to use as fuel.

I'm on duty tonight so not enough sleep tonight either. I will go back to bed when I hand over but when I get up at lunchtime tomorrow I'll do run 3 for the week - and I'm dreading it. Hopefully it will be easier. I just feel terribly tired generally, just sitting here, let alone running! And hungry. But tomorrow, as Scarlet said (not a girl with waistline problems mind you!) is another day..