Monday, 19 November 2007

Day 26 CD - finger out munter

Another week has slipped past. A week in which I have lost zilch. I have been pick, pick, picking at sugary snacks from the smack table. I have to stop this. I have some dates when I know I will be eating and/or drinking and apart from that I have to be super virtuous. I had wanted to lose another 7lbs by the end of the month and given that I have 2 days when I know I will have a meal (and another on 1 Dec) it's getting a bit iffy whether I'll make that. It's so hard though! I hate the packs and I keep having what I suspect is LL "crooked thinking" by wondering if I couldn't do it without the CD packs - a miso soup for lunch, a small piece of protein and some veg for supper (don't know what for breakfast). This would be much more pleasant and probably cheaper but could I really do it? Would I have to come back to CD, tail between (chubby) legs?

As it is, we had friends over for dinner on Saturday and I cooked. I really enjoyed the whole social experience of it - but my tolerance for wine seems to have dramatically fallen and I was quite light-headed. Will have to be ultra careful of that. I've never been someone who drinks until they're ill - I suffer quite enough with headaches anyway to want to induce more of them. So I knew what I could drink (pre LL) and that seems to have changed. I tried to cook reasonably healthily without penalising our friends - we had a warm squash salad to start, then beef cooked in beer with chestnuts and mushrooms with spiced red cabbage, pigs in blankets (admittedly not very healthy) and potato and celeriac mash, cheese (I had a smidgeon and I never bother with cheese biscuits anyway) and pears roasted in marsala with cinnamon and walnut marscapone cream. I deliberately didn't over cater and there's still loads left for the b/f to eat up. Mostly mash and cabbage so he'll have to embrace his Irish ancestry for that!

And it's our 'anniversary' tomorrow - only of when we had our first date (very juvenile) and we will have a meal together - b/f suggested a chinese takeaway since we first ate chinese together 14 years ago. It's not the healthiest choice (I had thought of going out for a big platter of fruits de mer) but it's more within our meagre and Christmas-anticipating budget. And I will make healthy choices (avoid rice especially - which I LOVE) and not being in a restaurant means not being tempted (and let's face it, giving in to temptation is something I do all too easily) by desserts. Then a work party on 29th - held by a private sector firm we use so there'll be free food and drink and un-squalid surroundings! We're very excited. That'll be fizz and canapes. And then my mother's birthday on 1st which IS going to be in a fish restaurant (Loch Fyne) and therefore easy to choose the path of virtue.

Although I have accepted that I can't be rigid and 100% pure about this diet any longer, equally I don't want it to become an excuse not to put my all into it the rest of the time. Even if I go for the non pack format (and I'm only thinking about that at this stage). Next time I write I want to be able to report that I'm being good and reaping the rewards. Hope you're all having a more uncomplicated journey at present. Any advice on whether my thinking is crooked or not would be really welcome, oh wise blogland pals.

Monday, 12 November 2007


I'm having such a stressful and frustrating day - people being thoroughly blase and uninterested in totally missing their own deadlines which mean I'll miss mine. So I ate 6 biscuits from the smack table - 3 choc choc chip cookies and 3 choc covered biscuits. 6!! What's the point in resisting bloody chewing gum if I mess up like this? So now I'm really fed up - in both senses. Arrgghh

Day 19 CD - Manic Monday

Hmmm, I'm not blogging as much. Not good - for me, possibly good for you as I DO tend to witter on once I get on!

We had a meeting with our CDC last Wednesday - I was quite pleased as I'd lost 5 1/2lbs since starting CD, and of course 5lbs in the couple of days when I used some old LL packs. He kept saying "that's not much"! Even when I explained that I had very slow losses! And I haven't been 100% virtuous which is probably why I'm more relaxed about it. Weirdly, not being rigid has made me less neurotic. And my size 16 jeans are starting to be a little too big for comfort! Okay, they're probably a generous 16 but it's still good.

I've bought quite a few things from ebay in 16s as I really have nothing to wear (all my old stuff was size 20s - with a few 22s I'm afraid) but have still spent a fortune! Got alot for it but really don't have the money for this. I sold some stuff too but I'm still £ down! My friend R gave me a wonderful coat though - just as well as I looked like a bag lady and it's C-O-L-D. I don't think I'm in ketosis as my wee sticks remain stubbornly beige but I cannot get warm - I'm worried I'll actually lose a toe at this rate!

I think the ketosis thing is because although I've been very good in the last week I have been eating loads of sugar free gum - enough to make me blow up like a puffer fish and get bad tummy ache. Does this stop me? Of course not - it's sweet and it's legit (you can have some sugarfree gum on CD)! Except the ones I've been munching like a woman possessed - Wrigley watermelon, Wrigley strawberry and M&S berry - appear to have citric acid in them. I'm proud to say that it's been 2 days since my last gum - one day at a time! My name is Peridot and I am addicted to fruity chewing gum.....

Thanks for your kind comments about my last post. Things seem good with b/f mostly and I guess some rows are inevitable (as much as I do try and avoid them) but mustn't be allowed to get that nasty again. I do need to be less thin-skinned (and less floppy skinned but that's a whole other story!) and just enjoy the fact that he suddenly finds me attractive again. Men are superficial - this should not take me by surprise at the age of 37!

And to be fair, he had an old reel of film developed and there was a photo on there of me - I think - right at the start of LL and I looked dreadful. I had my favourite denim skirt on and I looked so fat it was quite shocking. If I'd not lost some weight I would have been devastated by that photo - as it is, it really made me see how far I've come. More than anything else I think. Although I'm now getting lots of compliments as people notice I'm slimmer - some are a bit odd like "You're so skinny". Er, no, a 16 is NOT skinny in anyone's book! And is that meant to be an accusation or a compliment? Coz it sounds a bit aggressive to me (maybe I'm being thin-skinned). Even when I get a shouted, gushing "You look AMAZING!" like I did today I get very embarrassed and self conscious and tend to go bright red (not a good look for a redhead) and shrug it off gracelessly. If only they'd be more discreet! But it IS nice to hear, even if I find it agonising at the time.

So, I've now lost over 3 1/2st and next goal is 4st and the one after that is to tip me into the next stone bracket down - hopefully by the end of the month. I even told b/f what I weighed now and what I started at! This is incredibly free and open for me - I've been so secretive about it all. I was joking and saying that I wanted to know when I weighed less than him and he pointed out that we'd both need to say what we weighed - it turns out I'm about 1 1/2 st less than him now - and even when he shifts the stone he wants to lose that will still make me lighter! I'm looking for an opportunity to sit in his lap..... (presumably I can't cut off his circulation if I weigh less than him??!)

Monday, 5 November 2007

Day 12 CD

I NEVER thought I'd say this but I miss the LL packs! No, really! The CD ones are not as nice - wouldn't have thought that was humanly possible but there you go. Actually, that's a bit unfair as the soups are better but the shakes are very thin (a la LL vanilla versionI, chocolate etc) and the bars are rank (like all the original LL bars). The latter is especially disappointing as people rave about them. They do have real chocolate on and my CD buddy, R, has been carefully stripping the chocolate off, eating that and throwing the bar away! It's all the more odd as the packs are higher in calorie value (you only have 3 a day) so you'd expect them to taste better. My CDC (who's a bit of a chimp) swears that CD make the LL packs so I asked him why it would be good business sense to make a better product for a competitor than you formulate for your own business? That stumped him. Mind you, stumping him is not hard. But kind of fun (in an evil way).

The weight is slowly going down - by my scales I've lost the 7lbs I put on on holiday and have dropped a further 2-3lbs (depending on the day!). So that's good. But I ate on Saturday. Planned eating, I hasten to add. I decided I had to be less rigid - for the sake of my relationship principally - and accept that there would be the odd (very occasional) social occasion where I would need to eat. It makes me feel anxious about it but I'm determined not to stress about it. We had a friend over to see the fireworks on Saturday night and went to Carluccio's afterwards. I was very good - whilst I actually wanted a big plate of pasta, I actually had some parma ham to start and then a seabass fillet with a small tomato salsa (well, just c4 tomatoes cut in quarters with a smidgeon of onion) and about 3 roast baby new potatoes. But I'd made an apple crumble (popular request) and I did have some of that. Again, we had our guest there so I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. I made it with minimum sugar and a low GI topping - very little flour but oats and nuts. And I didn't have any ice cream with it like they did. In fact I deliberately got ice cream rather than cream as I'm pretty indifferent to it. And I had 2 left over LL packs as my only meal that day (lower cals than 2 CD ones and better tasting too) at 11am and then nothing until about 9.30pm! And now I'm back to the joyless existance of packs until our next social thing which isn't until 17th. And then I'm cooking for friends so have cunning lowest poss impact menu planned out.

I'm quite proud of myself though as I was ill last week and off work for 2 days (v unusual) but didn't use this as an excuse to cheat - rather as an opportunity, without the smack table luring me, to really stick to the straight and narrow. My CD buddy, R, was also ill but felt that she therefore deserved to eat what she wanted (that being scotch eggs, chocolate muffins and the like(it's always that kind of food, isn't it? Not tomatoes or lettuce or broccoli)). Not decrying her as we all have to face our own demons and deal with them as best we can. And she's a naughty, naughty girl anyway - I don't think she's ever stuck to a full week. But she's still lost over 2st and looks amazing - she's a very beautiful girl which always helps.

Had a very bad row with b/f yesterday. Sparked off by something and nothing - him being critical of my driving. He is very critical and I am a bad and reluctant driver who drove and felt I needed applause. It spiralled out of all control and recognition until he was seriously about to dump me. I rather thought these wouldn't happen when I lost weight since arguments often used to end up there, naive of me I guess. As it was, it kind of did again as I objected violently to him saying he was positive and supportive - about me losing weight. This is true but I rather flew off the handle and accused him of only valuing me according to my shape and size and said as long as I was slimmer I could be the most horrible person going - even sleeping around - and I'd still be better in his eyes than old fat, loyal, decent me. This made him cry (very rare) and basically say that was it, he just didn't care about me or anything to do with me any more, he didn't want to be with me and I was an evil, nasty, twisted person (I think he was afraid I would do this which I never, never would, I was just using it as an illustration of the nastiest thing I could think of). After a long time - and a fair amount of debasement from me I'm afraid - we did turn the corner and things are okay for the time being. I have to be less thin-skinned, he has to be more positive (not just about my weight loss). It all ended positively and ultimately - in, er, bed. Now I feel uncomfortable writing this as people I actually know in real life read this (only bestest friends) but this is a very rare occurence. Last time was probably c4 years ago - as he's always said he didn't find me sufficiently attractive to want to sleep with me. This makes me even more self-consious but assuming I passed the attractiveness test this time (obviously I was sucking in my stomach like mad (this is what he especially objected to before) and it's still a horrid, horrid thing) perhaps this will improve things between us. Especially after my misinterpreted comment.

We have our 2nd CD session this Wednesday. We have them fortnightly. The weighing in a public place thing won't come up for a month apparently but I'm just not doing that in any case. R isn't bothered but as CDC said, she can probably get away with it. Charming.