Friday, 28 December 2007

It's oh so quiet

Well, nothing much seems to be happening in blogland. I wonder if that's because everyone is so off piste that they don't want to confront it? Well, if that's the case, don't despair spacepack pals, everyone eats too much over Christmas and puts on weight. Yes, even Kate Moss. Bet you. So this is just being an ordinary person. January is for sensible (ie no) eating and sensible (no) spending. Not a fun month.

Having said all that, I have had moments of going a bit too mad. I know I have to go on the detested spacepacks (well, assuming I ever hear from my CDC) and this seems to be engendering a panic whereby I have to eat everything very quickly in the meantime - everything highly in calorifies and low in nutrients anyway. I know I've put on weight but I'm too chicken (or too full of chicken) to weigh myself. But my clothes are starting to feel tight so I'm not deluding myself. I feel full of doom. And chocolate, and cake, and..... In fact I've eaten so much rich food that I'm actually looking forward to going back to the purity (!) of the diet. In a way. Once I've eaten x and y of course. I just hope that in the spring when I finish this crazy diet (it must be the spring or I shall definitely go mad) I won't feel I have to cram a load of naughty treats in to a short space of time - it won't be a hiatus before going back to the diet so I'll have plenty of time and can eek out those treats. One thing I haven't done (although have noticed the destructive thoughts creeping in and have squashed them (something I must be better at whilst heavier!)) is think that although I've snacked alot and am therefore not actually hungry, I still have to have proper meals too. I know it's so pathetic that it's not really progress but it's a baby step.

And food splurging seems to go with shopping splurging. I really don't have any money (debt yes, money no - I am officially time poor AND cash poor which doesn't seem quite fair!) so I mustn't do this but once I start it's hard to stop. Like eating chocolate. There must be a link there - and a way to moderation somewhere - but I can't find it. I always have been a bit all or nothing but it's a topsy-turvey way to live. I guess it's about 'treating' myself but how I overcome those very ingrained thoughts I just don't know. Answers on a postcard... (Or blog comment)

Won't post now until the New Year so I hope you're all enjoying the festive season and have a wonderful New Year. 2008 is going to be great for us - just wait and see.

Friday, 21 December 2007

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat....

And so, I suspect, is Peridot - honk, honk!

I haven't weighed myself because I'm afraid to but my clothes feel slightly tighter (still fit, thank goodness). I have disintegrated into full on Christmas eating - an obscene amount of chocolate basically. Although this is not healthy, constructive or sensible I am not going to allow it to plunge me into despair and hopelessness - I am going back to CD on 7 January and from 3rd will be cutting out carbs and down generally so that it's not too painful to get back on the packs. At least, I hope I'm going back to CD then - I haven't heard from my prospective CDC.

One thing that has lead to this path of hedonism is work. It's still unfeasibly stressful - too much work and too little support. I ended up in tears the other week - I was very embarrassed and ashamed but the final straw was having to cancel meeting a friend (we had tickets for the cinema). I absolutely hate letting people down and I was exhausted. It just seems that my work assume that it's perfectly okay for your real life to suffer - just as long as you get your work done. And I don't work for anything like a big law firm or accountancy firm where you sell your soul for muchas dollars and they own you; I work for not alot of money in the public sector. I am officially cash-poor and time-poor - not ideal! Stress= chocolate for me. Which ought to make me dislike chocolate but in fact I love it - it's a comfort somehow. Warped. I actually think I do have that physical reaction that apparently some people get where chocolate simulates a feeling similar to love. I can't seem to penetrate that well-being feeling with the cold, clear knowledge that it makes me fat and that makes me unhappy and insecure. I have terrible problems giving it up too - for about a week I would kill someone for their chocolate bar and then I mostly am indifferent until and except for stress.

I am looking forward to Christmas - although I'm finding that stressful too. I can't get to sleep at night for running through lists in my head of what I still have to do. I still have 3-4 presents to buy and ALL my wrapping pretty much. And tonight I'm having another bash at the cinema with stood up friend of the other week - then will have to go home and wrap a few of the presents for people I'm seeing tomorrow. We're going to see my friend E, her husband and daughter (the smiliest baby in the world (TM)) for coffee tomorrow morning (at a time when I wouldn't be out of bed ordinarily) and to give E her present. I won't be able to give my pseudo-god-daughter her present as it's at my mum's because I couldn't carry it AND my suitcase AND my work bag in on the train after I'd stayed there earlier this week. Although she's 1 and really won't notice, I still feel bad. Children's toys are so bulky! Roll on when I can buy her jewellery! I had ordered the perfect present from Mothercare - I checked with them twice that they'd have it in for me to collect last Wednesday and they gave me assurances that this was fine. They lied. So I had a panic-stricken dash around Early Learning Centre - hope that what I've got will be okay. They're things my neice likes but they do say age 3-8. whereas smiliest baby is 18 months. She's bright though and my mum reckons they'll be fine.

Then we're going to pick up my stepson and go for a walk with him, my mum and her 2 labradors (1 is a foster lab). He adores her dog and has not yet met her foster-dog who is a lunatic and will be thrilled to run madly with him. Back to hers for dinner and to exchange presents - and to wrap the family presents she'll be taking up to my brother's. Sunday - to Borough Market to pick up the meat for the festive period and get some last minute presents to make up a hamper for friends and do supermarket shop. I also have to start making some of the food then too and wrap remaining presents. Monday (Christmas Eve) - clean flat, prepare food, make cake, then over to friends for 5pm-ish for a drink and presents before coming back for lobster thermidor (yum). Christmas Day - we have b/f's parents over. Boxing Day - we're going for a walk. Then I'm back in the office for Thursday and on duty that night.

Merry Christmas everyone - hope you all find some tranquillity amongst the tinsel.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

So fed up. And so fed up.

I haven't posted for ages. And this is because my job has just gone crazy. There are fewer of us doing more work and I feel incredibly stressed because I'm just randomly reacting to things - depending on what seems more urgent - and have no real idea of what I really have on. I'm not doing anything very well as a consequence and permanently feel swamped. In fact I've started to get a pain in my heart/stomach (always did have problems differentiating between the two!) which I think is stress - and I'm very close to tears most of the time.

This has had a bad effect on my eating - I've eaten so much chocolate you wouldn't believe. I've become obsessed with those big Quality Street chocolates (the purple one and the orange one) and somehow one just isn't enough. I know I have to stop and every night I resolve to do just that - then I come in to this situation again and my resolution just flies out of the window.

And I'm not having packs as a consequence - maybe one (of three) a day. This has some benefits which I'll come on to but is another leap down that slippery path.

The benefit is that my CDC has given us the flick. He was an hour and a quarter late last time (and I was doing my nut as I could have done with staying in the office that night) and was quite sulky about driving in - his choice as I'm sure you'll agree. My naughty-but-nice friend R isn't doing CD at all at the moment so didn't want any packs this fortnight (we buy by the fortnight) so he said it's not worth his while to come in to London for less than a month's packs. And I didn't want that many (which was what he was saying I'd have to do) so was definitely not wanting to buy so many just before Christmas (having to watch my money too) AND he keeps giving me the lactose-free without so much as an apology or explanation and I do think they're even more horrid.

So that's it. I have a week's worth - maybe more - and I know there are scheduled occasions where I'll eat and, unless I can find the strength and willpower, other occasions too. And I have a new CDC set up for January because the CDC-chimp was so useless but it does seem crazy to start with her for one (fortnight's) session and then not see her until the New Year when I am bound to have put on weight.

I will be interested to see whether I can simulate CD on my own (which would of course mean stopping all the chocolate) - with a CD chocolate variant pack for breakfast (I can't think of any low carb breakfast) as long as I have them, a CD soup for lunch whilst I have them, then a Pret miso soup with a pack of wafer thin chicken or ham for lunch when the soups run out and some fish and veg for supper or home-made soup. Assuming (and it's a big assumption) that I can cut the chocolate, it will be interesting to see the impact this has on my weight.

I'm sure I will be back on CD after Christmas though! Naughty R is planning "full steam ahead" in January so we will be back in it together.

In the meantime, we have friends staying with us this weekend - this means a meal cooked by me (fig, prosciutto and parmesan salad, followed by Moroccan chicken, chorizo, squash and chickpea stew with sweet potato and ginger mash and beans in a spiced yoghurt dressing, then chocolate pear mousse cake - tried to be healthy except for the pudding but the over-riding priority is for things I can cook in advance) on Friday night, dim sum for lunch on Saturday and Brick Lane curry Saturday night, and Wagamama for lunch on Sunday (can do that quite healthily) - which wouldn't be my choice with guests but they're from the deepest country (lucky them) and have read about Wagamama and seem to think it's glamorous. Only hope they're not too disappointed!

This means I am off after today for this week and although that means more stress today and next week, and tomorrow and Friday morning will be spent cooking and cleaning, I hope I can recover a bit and calm down.

Hope everyone else is well and happy.