Friday, 21 December 2007

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat....

And so, I suspect, is Peridot - honk, honk!

I haven't weighed myself because I'm afraid to but my clothes feel slightly tighter (still fit, thank goodness). I have disintegrated into full on Christmas eating - an obscene amount of chocolate basically. Although this is not healthy, constructive or sensible I am not going to allow it to plunge me into despair and hopelessness - I am going back to CD on 7 January and from 3rd will be cutting out carbs and down generally so that it's not too painful to get back on the packs. At least, I hope I'm going back to CD then - I haven't heard from my prospective CDC.

One thing that has lead to this path of hedonism is work. It's still unfeasibly stressful - too much work and too little support. I ended up in tears the other week - I was very embarrassed and ashamed but the final straw was having to cancel meeting a friend (we had tickets for the cinema). I absolutely hate letting people down and I was exhausted. It just seems that my work assume that it's perfectly okay for your real life to suffer - just as long as you get your work done. And I don't work for anything like a big law firm or accountancy firm where you sell your soul for muchas dollars and they own you; I work for not alot of money in the public sector. I am officially cash-poor and time-poor - not ideal! Stress= chocolate for me. Which ought to make me dislike chocolate but in fact I love it - it's a comfort somehow. Warped. I actually think I do have that physical reaction that apparently some people get where chocolate simulates a feeling similar to love. I can't seem to penetrate that well-being feeling with the cold, clear knowledge that it makes me fat and that makes me unhappy and insecure. I have terrible problems giving it up too - for about a week I would kill someone for their chocolate bar and then I mostly am indifferent until and except for stress.

I am looking forward to Christmas - although I'm finding that stressful too. I can't get to sleep at night for running through lists in my head of what I still have to do. I still have 3-4 presents to buy and ALL my wrapping pretty much. And tonight I'm having another bash at the cinema with stood up friend of the other week - then will have to go home and wrap a few of the presents for people I'm seeing tomorrow. We're going to see my friend E, her husband and daughter (the smiliest baby in the world (TM)) for coffee tomorrow morning (at a time when I wouldn't be out of bed ordinarily) and to give E her present. I won't be able to give my pseudo-god-daughter her present as it's at my mum's because I couldn't carry it AND my suitcase AND my work bag in on the train after I'd stayed there earlier this week. Although she's 1 and really won't notice, I still feel bad. Children's toys are so bulky! Roll on when I can buy her jewellery! I had ordered the perfect present from Mothercare - I checked with them twice that they'd have it in for me to collect last Wednesday and they gave me assurances that this was fine. They lied. So I had a panic-stricken dash around Early Learning Centre - hope that what I've got will be okay. They're things my neice likes but they do say age 3-8. whereas smiliest baby is 18 months. She's bright though and my mum reckons they'll be fine.

Then we're going to pick up my stepson and go for a walk with him, my mum and her 2 labradors (1 is a foster lab). He adores her dog and has not yet met her foster-dog who is a lunatic and will be thrilled to run madly with him. Back to hers for dinner and to exchange presents - and to wrap the family presents she'll be taking up to my brother's. Sunday - to Borough Market to pick up the meat for the festive period and get some last minute presents to make up a hamper for friends and do supermarket shop. I also have to start making some of the food then too and wrap remaining presents. Monday (Christmas Eve) - clean flat, prepare food, make cake, then over to friends for 5pm-ish for a drink and presents before coming back for lobster thermidor (yum). Christmas Day - we have b/f's parents over. Boxing Day - we're going for a walk. Then I'm back in the office for Thursday and on duty that night.

Merry Christmas everyone - hope you all find some tranquillity amongst the tinsel.