Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Day 63 - sigh

Well I've not done very well at all. Or - typically - I've mostly done very well and then ruined it spectacularly at the last moment, thereby spoiling all and any good work.

Last Thursday we had a team "awayday" lead by 'fun and wacky' facilitators who were like children's TV presenters on speed. But worse. They had titles like "innovator" and "inventor" rather than "receptionist" or, more accurately, "twat". There were sections on the agenda they'd called "wees and teas" - I kid you not. Are you surprised that I fell face down into the vat of chocolate they provided? I had a sugar frenzy in the afternoon and by evening I felt very ill and shaky. But that didn't stop me having a load of chocolate from the crack table the very next day.

Strangely, when I got on the scales on Monday and discovered that I was almost 7lbs up from where I had started, I had a moment of "why, WHY?" before I remembered exactly why. It was probably 'only' another 3lbs from the previous week but seeing that half stone was a chilling experience. Then I had 6 chocolate macadamias at work that day. Yesterday was a good day and I was utterly IPD pure. Today I've had a small bar of dark chocolate - not my chocolate of choice but what IPD recommends (if you're willing to lose less weight or are within a stone of your target and I am clearly neither). There's a reason for that too....

On my run this morning (yes, I'm still slogging away at it) bf came with me. He didn't come on the last run (Monday) as his calf is still hurting and more so when he tried to run on last Saturday with me. So on the second run his calf was obviously getting painful again so he snapped at me and told me to go on (I did). Then back at home his calf became increasingly painful and he became increasingly tetchy. I did ask him whether it actually made his calf feel better for biting my head off but just got more crossness in return - apparently the fact he's in pain makes his behaviour totally normal. And I was "hanging around being irritating". Hmmmm. And although I emailed him some advice from my friend here who used to be a nurse, he's not seen fit to reply or to text or email or anything to apologise for his behaviour. Hence the chocolate.

It's not a good thing that I react to food (chocolate) this way. I wish I were one of those girls who can't eat when I'm upset - I'm quite sure that if that were the case I'd never have had a weight problem. I'm supposed to be seeing the hypnotherapist next Friday - but I didn't send a deposit because I just don't have the money so I'm just hoping I have still got the appointment. And hoping even more that it's the answer to all this.

Monday, 14 April 2008

Day 54 - update

I know usually when I say I haven't got much to say I then go on for reams and reams of text. Don't think that will be the case today.

Still running - have now done 3 runs of 2 mins walking, 2 mins running for 28 mins. It's still really tough, it still makes my head pound and my legs like jelly. My lungs may feel fractionally less raw but not enough to feel as if I'm making any progress. We're repeating week 6 this week (see above) as b/f hasn't been able to run properly after hurting his calf. Until he was temporarily crippled he found the 2 mins easy enough though - curse him. So it gives him the chance to do the week properly and hopefully gives me the chance to catch up a bit.

My colleague who started me off on the running thing did the Marathon yesterday - she is crippled and hated it! But she's - rightly - proud of herself for doing it, and in under 5 hours. 2 mins seems impossible, 5 hours seems unimaginable. Not that that is what I'm aiming at anyway.

Have been 75% good on food. But I agonise over the odd bit of chocolate that finds its way into my greedy gob. Thursday and Friday last week I had some semi-legit G&B Maya Gold - semi-legit as you're allowed it if you're prepared to lose weight more slowly (I'm not) and/or are close to your goal (I'm not).

Then we had friends for lunch on Sunday. I did asparagus and rocket salad for starter, roast fennel rubbed pork with chilli tomato braised fennel, celeriac, stilton and walnut gratin, roast potatoes, stuffing (b/f did these last two), cheeses and grapes and then a chocolate hazelnut mousse made without sugar - just dark chocolate, hazelnuts and eggs. Of this I managed to stay off the potatoes and stuffing but ate alot of grapes, a small mousse (it was very successful and okay-ish from an IPD perspective (no sugar) and very sophisticated which is not me at all). I troughed the rest of the chocolate left over from the mousse when I made it on Saturday. I was very restrained on the alcohol too. So, a mixed report but of course I'm beating myself up for not being perfect - and this has meant I have eaten a small amount of milk nut chocolate today (2 lines) and that's even worse.

Although we went for lunch to Pizza Express today and I managed not to eat the dough sticks that came with my salad (although I really, really wanted to). And I made a colleague a loaf of Marmite bread (to thank her for a shoulder massage) and I really wanted that too (but didn't).

Life seems all about denial which is very depressing. I need to try and think more positively - about choice for example. But my choice would be to eat chocolate and sweet stuff generally. And also to lose weight. Sadly I'm doing neither at the moment. I've not dared weigh myself since our lunch party (I didn't eat for the rest of the day of course) but I had lost 2lbs in the week. That means I'm still +3lbs over where I was when I started this diet. Not very impressive.

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Day 48 - update

Well since Thursday I've been exemplary - stuck to the IPD like glue. Until today when I had 7 M&Ms and 2 Maltesers. Not a disaster in the grand scheme of things but this diet seems to be such a fine chemical balancing act that that could be enough to stop me losing weight this week. And I had lost 2-3lbs since Thursday too, sigh. Now of course I desparately want to indulge in my "oh sod it, I've blown it" feelings and have a millionaire's shortbread - I love them. All this is on our smack table of course (amongst other sugary temptations).

And I measured myself this morning and I've not lost an inch since I started this diet - so it's not that I'm losing mass by building muscle and losing fat. Happy though that thought was.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm torturing myself so much. I'm still 4st down and - clothed at any rate - I don't think I look too bad. I'm so focussed on what is supposed to be my goal weight and stressed that I'm not speeding along there and yet I'm not utterly convinced I'd want to be there - I'd be happy as a 12-14 (I'm a 14-16 at the moment), I have no desire to be that "perfect 10".

Given that I'm running and I think I do feel firmer/more toned I am perplexed that I'm not losing inches. It was so hard last night that I really expected to get on the scales today and see them plummit.

Yes, yesterday was the first of the 2 min interval runs. HOW can a measly 2 mins be so, so hard???? My legs were like jelly, my lungs felt raw and my head was pounding - and that was after the first 2 mins, you can imagine my state after the 7th. I did do it but I'm not sure I can carry on with this - it's just so hard. B/f hurt his leg on the second run so I was on my own - he's going to be out of action for at least a week. Bless him though, he's still volunteered to come out with me in the mornings whilst I run (this is at 6.10am in the week!) and hobble round and encourage me. I'll probably do my utmost to carry on with this - 2 mins running, 2 mins walking for 28 mins - until b/f can join in again. So I might end up doing it for 2 weeks but I think that would be better to help my adjust. Otherwise I think I'll have to do 1 min running, 1 min walking for a week, building up to 2 mins again. B/f kept looking at me and warning me not to overdo it but I was determined to keep going - not convinced that was the best tactic though. It's quite dispiriting.

Friday, 4 April 2008

Day 45 - durrrrrr

Durrrr is for me. Having been so upset that I'd put on 6lbs, what did I do? Yes, I ate sugar. A Millie's cookie (never actually only bought one before!) and some chocolate from Hotel de Chocolat (not my favourite Extra Light Belgian which I've not been able to get for ages but milk coconut - lovely but still not extra light). I would have liked to have gone much, much more mad so this was restrained for me but still, clearly, idiocy.

So today I am being rigidly anal about it all and am not allowing anything sweet to pass my lips. I have already been sorely tried by someone putting one of those delicious red ball Lindor chocolates on my desk. And my friend V has bought me a yummy looking salad for lunch with new potato salad in (and salmon and leaves) so I'll have to pick the potato out. I haven't caved yet but the day is yet young and Friday usually brings a frenzy of sugar to the bird table. My plan is to adhere rigidly to the diet, see what I weigh on Monday week (14th) and make a decision then.

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Day 43 - crunch time

So, six weeks into this diet and I have lost - zilch. In fact, I have put ON 6lbs in total. Even with the running. That is scary. I'm really very anxious. So, now I will do one week perfectly as I confess that I've had one biscuit, 2 After Eights and 5 chocolate coffee beans this week (another 3lbs in weight? Surely not) and if I don't lose at least 3lbs then I will have to stop this diet I think - I can't think what else to do.

Problem is is that I don't have a Plan B. I hate not having a Plan B. I could do another 3-4 weeks of CD in between having friends over for lunch next weekend and going for a week's walking holiday with my mother and her Labs in the second week in May. But I don't know if I could bear too. If I were guaranteed to lose a stone in that time it would be easier but I'm such a low loser that it's more likely to be 7-10lbs - for alot of misery.

I'm upset and scared. It's one thing (not good I know) to get to your goal weight and then battle with keeping it off like Lesley and Mrs (although I know she was a pound or so off her goal) and god knows that must be soul destroying but really I'm only half way there and it's going back on. I'll just have to hope a perfect week will have the desired effect. This diet - although hard because of my sugar addiction - made sense to me and it leaves me feeling slightly bereft. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

To compound my stress, work forgot to pay us our overtime this month - so I'm £200-300 down this month and was hanging on from last month to try and sort myself out a bit this month. Work are metaphorically shrugging their shoulders and saying "oh well, it will be a good month next month". Can you tell that senior managers don't get overtime?