Monday, 25 February 2008

IPD day 5

Still fed up. With work basically. I need to get motivated to find a new job but feel too dragged down and miserable to actually do anything about it. My wise friend V said I should see the loss of my best subject as less work and more time to look for other jobs. I have seen one but I'd have to get the application in tomorrow which seems unlikely.

Miraculously I have not resorted to sugar yet though. 65.5 days to go until that habit's kicked Willowy R! Hmmmm. STILL not heard back from Marissa Peer - despite emailing again sounding, frankly, desparate.

I had a quiet time on duty (phew) and so the flat is (mostly) clean - well, I gave up after doing the kitchen and bathrooms but that's where it shows, right? And I did some cooking which was fun. All IPD stuff of course but I made roasted butternut squash, parmesan and bacon soup, a celeriac hash pie (not drugs, corned beef), roasted ratatouille and French sausages (cook, slit along the length, stuff with gruyere, wrap in a sheet of parma ham and stick back in the oven for 15 mins) and breakfast "muffins" (more like a baked egg thing with cheese and sausage). All delicious. B/f was especially impressed with the soup as he had thought it sounded dull but it was incredible. I couldn't eat it all! I'm bringing the remains in for lunch tomorrow (had remains of roasted ratatouille with mozzerella ball for lunch today).

So, the menu for the weekend:
Friday eve - tarragon chicken, cauliflower mash (sooo much nicer than it sounds) and mange touts
B - scrambled egg and bacon
L - avocado stuffed with dressed crab
D - French sausages and roasted ratatouille
B - scrambled egg, bacon and mushrooms
L - roasted butternut squash soup
D - Celeriac hash pie and savoy cabbage

But I think I ate a few too many nuts yesterday. I had lost 2lbs when I weighed on Sunday am and put 1lb on when I weighed today. We're only supposed to weigh once a week but it's a hard habit to break (not as hard as sugar though) - I usually weigh myself every other day. Hope it's not going to go in the wrong direction though. I did do a brisk 2.5 mile walk on Sunday - not impressive but given that I only had half a day, not too bad.

And it's D-day - 4 until The First Run (HA HA). Yes, this Friday. Gulp.

Finally, N&F (the newly affianced) are no longer coming for dinner on Saturday. We wriggled out of it as we'd not realised it's Mothers' Day the following day and we have to fit in a visit to both mothers. So I can remain IPD pure for the allotted magic fortnight.

Friday, 22 February 2008

IPD day 2

Well it's been a stinker of a day. Work is not great at the best of times - I wouldn't say morale was rock bottom as every time I think that, it gets worse. But it's not a very nice place to be (unless you're part of the charmed clique). But what made up for all the wretched politics was that the subject areas I cover are really interesting - and one in particular takes up most of my time, not least as I really enjoy it, understand it well and find it interesting. So of course, we've had a reshuffle and that's been taken away from me. I've picked up a few dull areas instead. And there's loads of cakes and chocolates 2 feet away from me and I sooooo want to dull my misery in sugar. Why is it that when you're doing something hard (ie giving up sugar) circumstance conspire to make it as bloody difficult as possible? Don't worry, rhetorical question. So, I'll have to re-double my efforts to find a new job - the problem is that I don't really have the confidence to do this. Another vicious circle.

So, I went to Waitrose last night and got some marked down scallops with chilli butter which I had with sauteed leeks and mangetouts. It was delicious. Today I had 2 cold sausages for breakfast (basically discovered I don't like supermarket sausages, not even Waitrose - viva La Ginger Pig at Borough Market!), a portion controlled snack of toasted, flaked almonds mid morning (bought a weeny clippit box to stop me eating whole bags of nuts at once), smoked salmon pate with crudites (cucumber, celery and chicory) for lunch, 2 mini babybels this afternoon and tonight I will have tarragon cream chicken with mange touts and cauliflower mash. I'm not convinced about cauliflower mash but it is raved about on pig2twig so I hope to be pleasantly surprised.

Willowy R says that it takes 70 days to form new habits. So I have just over 68 days to go before sugar has no hold on me.

HOWEVER, saw a comment (on Lesley's blog) that Marissa Peer - hypnotist of Supersize vs Superskinny fame - costs £200 a session. If she's also a one session hypno (which it looked like on S vs S) she would be cheaper than the hypno that Mrs L had heard tell of. But she's not got back to my email. Sigh. I need help and I need it NOW.

So, a weekend of work. I'm on duty midday Saturday to midday Sunday. Dreary though this is, (especially given my downer on work at the moment) if it's quiet it will give me the chance to clean the flat and do some cooking. Ready to be back at work on Monday!

Thursday, 21 February 2008

IPD day 1

Yes, I've started. I've done it to save me from myself. I weighed myself yesterday and had put on 2lbs. In less than 2 days. I thought I had better end the sugar opportunities asap.

It went against the grain not to have prepared to the nth degree but it seemed like the only solution. I got up in time both to walk in (only c2.5 miles along the river but it's something and IPD say try and walk 10 mins at first - this was 45 mins so hurrah for me) and stop at the mini M&S (a slight detour). I had planned to buy a scotch egg for breakfast, a salad nicoise or similar for lunch and some nuts and a piece of cheese for munching. Well, best laid plans and all that. M&S had practically NOTHING that was carb free. And I thought it was going to be easy! As it was, it was just as well I couldn't get a scotch egg as it's only homemade ones we can have apparently. So I bought a chicken and bacon caesar salad for lunch (can chuck the croutons away) and a mini mozzerella and sundried tomato one to go with it and some walnuts. No cheese. Nothing for breakfast. So I ended up eating the mozzerella salad for breakfast. Then, because I was having a horrible, horrible day I ate ALL the nuts (105g of them!).

I went to Sainsbury's at lunchtime to have another go at permitted snacks - marmite babybels is what I was hoping for. I had read about these on the pig2twig forum and I'm a big marmite fan. But Sainsbury's had nothing either! Well, I bought some cheddar babybels and a little packet of salted peanuts. I've eaten the nuts and 2 babybels. I must be better prepared for tomorrow. Waitrose after work I think and snacks brought in in strict portions.

But I've had a really rotten day (the only decent thing left about my job is about to change) and I haven't eaten chocolate/sweets. Obviously I really wanted to. And equally obviously I've eaten too many nuts but it's some sort of progress. Not enough. But then I'm feeling very glum.

And, whilst we're on glum. Mrs L's hypnotherapist is £270! It's only one session but that's really scary. Especially being so broke. But I really want the help not to have to fight this battle of willpower whilst also feeling so down and fed up. I know they're linked but it doesn't help.

I'll take my self pity party somewhere else. To Waitrose I guess.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Three. It's a magic number.

Three comments! I think it's a record! I am soooo grateful for all the advice (and big hi to Curlygurl who is a LL chum (and whose hair I envy more than is strictly healthy)). And now I'll ignore that advice three times over!

That was a joke! No, it was.

I think you're all absolutely right that if I leave too long a gap between CD and IPD it leaves too much opportunity for naughtiness (know thyself). Sugary naughtiness no doubt (ditto). So, I'm starting on Friday! I need to be a bit prepared so can't manage today or tomorrow. And the good news is that I don't feel that I have to eat everything I may conceivably fancy in the next 6 months in the next couple of days - like I did when I took a month off from CD over Christmas (and, let's not forget, put on over a stone in the process) - because I don't feel the same level of deprivation. I know I will find it hard to give up sugar (sugar which I shouldn't be having in any case) but I also know that it has to be done - for my health and for my sanity. I've not given up on hypnosis for this either - more of that later. But I can still have food and that feels amazing!

I did have sushi yesterday, bearing in mind that I wouldn't be having it again for the foreseeable future and it wasn't all I thought it would be. It was less delicious than I'd thought. I can do without it. Odd. I'd built it up to be so tasty and - it was fine, but not worth the mental agony.

BUT oh my 3 wise monkeys, I WILL be having pudding on 1st March. It would look odd if I didn't serve it (we always do 4 courses including cheese so I can't even offer cheese as an alternative) but I've found the best damage limitation possible so although I'll have pudding (a small one) and probably 2-3 glasses of wine, I'm prepared to stay on phase 1 longer to compensate. And everything else will be IPD sanctioned food. And it's worth it to get cracking now - as we all agree.

So on to hypnosis. DID YOU SEE SUPERSIZE VS SUPERSKINNY LAST NIGHT? I knew they had their tester testing hypnosis so made sure I watched it. Even though I was at my mother's and she insisted on watching a programme on bears so I had to watch it in another room. She wants a bear. Let's not even go there. ANYWAY, the journo (as I assume she was - and incidentally she bears a startling resemblance to Naughty R from LL and CD fame) was very skeptical about hypnosis. But it worked! I'm almost hyperventilating with excitement as I type this. Wonderful Mrs came through with her recommendation so I've contacted him and the woman from the programme last night (who will almost certainly be too expensive since she also did Celebrity Diet thingy programme (you can tell I didn't watch it)) to explore further. I am clearly susceptible and I could do with the help.

More and more I think I have a serious problem with sugar. I ate too much yesterday - was determined not to then came in to be told I had to go to a hardcore meeting on my own (no line manager) and immediately troughed down - and then had sugar withdrawal shakes at c7pm and couldn't sleep again for what I will term sugar-wiredness (yep, I made that up. So bite me (actually don't for your own sake, my blood is probably 65% sugar)).

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Packed out

I think packs and I have come to the end of the line. Maybe temporarily, not sure. I cannot bear the thought of one more. And this is causing me problems. I've had a few planned meals in the last month and that has stopped me seeing any losses on the scales which has then tipped me into the sugary slough of despond. Can you see the vicious circle forming? I was planning on going on India and Neris' Idiot Proof Diet (IPD) from this weekend when all my packs were used up but I seem to have suddenly reached screaming point. Not sure whether to start the IPD now or eat healthily until the weekend (and enjoy a few soon to be verboten carbs before then). Hmmm.

I'm grateful to VLCDs though. I have lost 4st5lbs from May last year. I doubt I could have done that any other way - other than going into a coma, having my jaws wired etc. And if IPD (plus the running! HA HA! Running! Me! Absurd!) doesn't work for me then I'll have to come back to pack hell for more short sharp shock therapy.

Mrs was asking about IPD. I read first the cookbook and then the actual diet book with voracious interest (it's a cracking read - I recommend it). Basically IPD is a sensible, healthy version of Atkins, South Beach etc. I think it will suit me because I am clearly a sugar addict. I have a real problem with sugar. I went nuts on it yesterday (no real nuts involved) and couldn't sleep again last night. It wires me which although I like the feeling, I'm not so keen the following day after a lack of sleep and in sugar withdrawal. IPD says no sugar - no sweet stuff, no fruit (in phase 1), very few carbs (which are of course another form of sugar). You can have nuts in moderation and cream in moderation and sugar free jelly after a week (very excited about jelly but trying not to focus or obsess).

Moderation seems to be key- this would be a useful lesson for me to learn. And also, I can cook again! I can eat with b/f! After 2 weeks I can have certain alcohol, in - you guessed it - moderation. I think I can do moderation IF it's not about sugar. And there is a forum - so you get that group support thing which I've found helpful from Minimins, not least so I can ask all the stupid obscure questions that suddenly pop into my head. And it's easy to eat out - as long as you don't go for sushi, pasta or pizza. I'm sure some people find that constricting and certainly some people on the forum feel rather hard done by having to moderate their diets BUT having been on packs it will be a joy for me! An advantage of being on a lower level of deprivation is that it will seem almost insanely liberating!

I spent Friday night making lists of meals from the cookbook and things I could think of converting. I do love a good list. There's enough there to keep me going for a month or more! It's all very exciting! Although I'm hoping my team don't press ahead with their plans for our next team lunch to be dim sum over Easter. Dim sum is my absolute favourite food but is clearly NOT a carb free option.

The only snag is that for the 1st 2 weeks you have to be very strict. I have a dinner party on 1 March. But I really don't want to wait until after that. And apart from wine and pudding I can do a completely IPD-compliant meal that's yummy. What do you think? Start now, have a small blip on 1st and get back to it? Or do a half-hearted version now and start hardcore on 2nd March? I did post on the IPD forum on this ( and got a very severe reprimand about my state of mind. Ouch. Still, it's not going to put me off the diet! It's not 'if' but 'when'. Grateful for your opinions on timings please.

Friday, 15 February 2008

Look into my eyes, not around the eyes....

Thankfully he didn't say this - but he did look an awful lot like an older version of the Little Britain character. But American and with a big crystal hanging round his neck. And we were in his front room. My work buddy, V, roared with laughter at the thought of me and this crystal wearing alternative therapy man. As she said, the less touchy-feely it's possible to be, the more I'd like it.

I sat there with my eyes firmly closed, thinking crossly "This is a waste of time and money, grr, grr, grr" but I did go into a trance - suddenly I couldn't feel my whole body, just my hands and in my mind a great black space opened up (possibly the gap where my brains should be!). So that's the positive bit, the negative bit is that he said he'd "ordered a script on comfort eating" which makes me think he's not really a specialist on this sort of thing. And I came in this morning feeling a little off colour and miserable and promtly ate half a Milky Way and 5 Opal Fruits. Not working as yet then....

I'm not sure what to do but I'm waiting to hear from Mrs L about someone she knows of and I'm going to call and speak to him/her. My lovely friend Willowy R, did a whole analysis, including a cost analysis to give me advice on what to do! Management consultancy for free, yay! It is free, right R? I don't think I can afford you!

I also went for a running shoe consultation. Everytime I mention myself in conjunction with running I want to laugh out loud at the absurdity of it. He was a very nice man but very solemn. I was a bit wise-crackerish (probably from nerves and embarrassment) and he really didn't get it (and I was funny! Honest!). They made me run on a treadmill - slowly after I explained that they'd probably have to give me CPR - and filmed my feet (they will be giving autographs). Of course, the upshot is that the cheapest trainers are £70 (ker-ching) but given that I have dodgy ankles and don't want to put myself off or out of action (pauses whilst roaring with laughter) I think I'll have to bite the bullet and get them.

Had a lovely Valentines dinner and am now paying for it - I'm RAVENOUS. It was so lovely to cook again. I think I'm going to go to the Idiot Proof Diet (IPD) sooner rather than later. It was lovely to cook and lovely to eat with b/f. Even though my foaming mustard hollandaise for the purple sprouting broccoli did turn into scrambled eggs (sigh). But I made a cracking rhubarb fool with proper custard. That's made as in starting with the cream, eggs, sugar and vanilla pod - my colleague said she made custard and I discovered she meant that she'd opened a packet and added milk as opposed to buying it ready mixed! Bless!

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Patience is a virtue

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope it IS a happy day for you - it's rather one of those days where the weight of expectation (your own and everyone else's) can be rather heavy and cumbersome. Anyway, I'm especially thinking of my lovely friend Willowy R, Mrs L and Lesley whose husbands are away. Love comes in many forms girls! Sending some your way.....

Bizarrely today is my consultation on hypotherapy (and first session afterwards if I'm happy) - exorcising my love (passion!) for sugar?! But I DON'T want to do the Paul McKenna thing of associating chocolate with maggots, burning rubber or the like - I do still want to enjoy it but I don't want to use it to self-medicate when I'm stressed and/or fed up by shovelling sugar down my throat like a foie gras goose. I am wary - not least because of the cost (more on that later) but it would be so wonderful to feel more in control. I shall try and update tomorrow.

I've only lost 1lb. I don't know quite what is going on as I'm being virtuous. The only thing that may have thrown me off course is our team lunch two days ago. If you remember I selfishly vetoed the others' desire for pizza and we went somewhere I could practice damage limitation and get a salad. The food wasn't great and the salad was a modest size - but to me of course it was exciting because it was food! Everyone else had pudding and I managed to resist by promising myself a creme egg instead - and I did have one and enjoyed it (I eat them in a particularly vile way as it's the fondant I really like so like to get the chocolate out of the way and end on the high note of the fondant!). Not ideal but the lesser of evils. So, I'm assuming that's why I've only lost 1lb - and our Valentine's Day meal chez nous tonight won't help (no blow out but food nonetheless). Sigh. Keeping plodding on though - hurrah for me. Humph.

I also am having to battle against the fact that my heart has rather been stolen by the Idiot Proof Diet. I've read all the stuff voraciously and visit the forum (and no, I didn't steal their idea for my blog - I'd not heard of it then) and I feel excited to get going on it. Ketosis continues but with food - and healthy too. They also consider sugar to be 'the devil' which I think is true for me in any case. I'm not a patient girl and am entirely too into instant gratificiation and I really want to get going on that now but I'm not going to until after Easter. We have a couple of meals/social events in March and I think they'll be easier to manage by getting back on packs right afterwards and losing the most I can that way (although at the rate I'm going at the moment that will be an issue). It will feel easier if I start having a few chunkier losses!

Next week will be a pure, no food week - nothing after tonight until our newly affianced friends come to dinner on 1st. They're mildly annoying me - she's decided she doesn't want people looking at her so will probably go home to Oz to get married (clearly everyone there closes their eyes at weddings!). I do wonder too if this means that despite living here for about 10 years whether she really has built up a network of close friends here - surely you'd want them at your wedding? But option 2 is a quiet registry office do over here with no-one there (joyless in my opinion). Of course they must do what makes them happy (although my friend N apparently has no say in any of this!) but I have to grit my teeth as I feel she's wasting an opportunity I'd kill for (her at the moment!). Must be nice and not tetchy when we meet them for a drink early Saturday night to congratulate them. And of course, not look at her!

Monday, 11 February 2008

Is virtue its own reward?

NO. And if you're still not sure about my opinion on this - NO, NO, NO.

So, I've been a good Peridot since Friday. Lots of walking, scant food. So I should see some rewarding shift on the scales, yes? No. Apparently not. Nada, nothing, rien. So, three days of being good (food-wise but generally too!) and walking in on Friday and a 6 mile walk yesterday, today I am STILL the same weight. This. Is. Not. Fair. And if I'm still the same weight on Wednesday (and I can't see how I possibly will be) I will have to re-think my options.

As it was, still sunny of disposition, at the weekend I read the whole of India and Neris' Idiot Proof Diet and decided that when I'm 1st - 1st7lbs off target I will swop to their diet. I think it will work really well with VLCDs as you basically maintain ketosis by keeping carbs down - and then gradually re-introduce them after you've only got a stone or less to go. It's not Atkins with the emphasis on lard rather than veg and it seems to have a dramatic success rate. And the best thing is that you get to eat! They don't approve of you being hungry! They also think that (refined) sugar is "the devil" which is does rather seem to be for me. A beguiling devil that I'm determined to master. But I suppose I could start this earlier if I can't shift on CD - to be honest I'd rather get rid of another stone and a half (which would take me to c another stone and a half off target. Albeit a target which sounds incredibly unachievable) but I can't live like this and not get the payback. I do find it tough, I don't like it but I deal with it because I desparately want to shift as much weight in as little time as possible. Quite how this fits in with my decents into sugar-hell, I don't know. Clearly it doesn't.

And so we come to hypnosis. I think I will try this. I really can't afford it and it will have to be kept secret from b/f which I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy about - and which if he finds out about he will go balistic - but I really, really need some help. Ideally help from within myself that I can replicate. My concern is that I'll start it and then really find I can't cope with continuing to pay - but I've now got it down to £58.50 a session! Every little helps? Tesco says it so it must be true. Hmmm.

Running - also have to buy some shoes (cheap as I can get running shoes from - looks like I might be able to get a half price pair from J D Sport for £35 - if they do actually have them in the shops as well as in their promotional material), a decent sports bra and some very very cheap kit. But it's all money! Money I don't have! ARGH! Makes me feel tense. Which is an improvement (psychologically) on when I spent with abandon I suppose, but more stressful.

By the way, Mrs L, you asked about my running colleague C. She was doing other exercise but said it didn't seem to help at all with running. She found the second week where she had to run for 2 mins, walk for 3 so exhausting that she had to stop after each run, rather than walk! She says she absolutely hates running but it lets her scoff chocolate and sweets and keeps her slim (you can see her point). Thanks Karen too - have printed off the couch potato thing and looked at the site generally but had already ordered the book in any case! And b/f and me are on for starting running in March. We've got the newly affianced N&F (she said yes, no big surprise) for dinner on 1st March and we'll start the week after that. Gulp.

Friday, 8 February 2008

Lesley, patron goddess of running

I feel so much more positive today. I don't know if it's because the sun is shining, or the fact that I feel more in control (or is it because I feel more positive that I feel more in control? chicken or egg I suspect) - I'm just glad to feel better.

Yesterday was a better day - it wasn't perfect, I had to get up at 4.45am for work (that is not a typo by the way) so I did have a skinny cappuccino at lunchtime and I did have a small amount of chocolate but I didn't go mad and let it spiral me into injesting scary amounts of sugar. I didn't have a pack at lunchtime because I didn't feel like it. Not perfect behaviour but I felt more in control and that made a big difference. And it made me think of a 'conversation' with Mrs L on black and white behaviour. This is a definite shade of grey but that's probably not a bad thing for me, a definite black and white girl. Another proof of flexibility (I feel) is that we're going out for a team lunch next week. Yes, in a way I'm dreading it - enforced eating can make me feel panicky and then result in me having a 'oh blow it' reaction and letting it become a trend. BUT my team wanted to go to Strada for pizza and I've managed to steer it towards Bar HaHa where they do a lovely looking salad (chorizo and squash - mmmm) which I feel will do me less damage (physically and psychologically) than pizza (as tempting as that sounds).

I walked in today. And it was a happy, energetic walk - such a contrast to the start of the week. Now, that was the day I came on (TOTM) so biorhythms may have played a part (never really noticed such things before so not sure). And today I changed bag from my much loved Roxanne - which even empty is very heavy and I carry either at arm's length or in the crook of my arm - to a cross the body bag which was lighter and made me feel much free-er. Although I'm not sure it's a flattering bag to have if you're dumpy, it was perfect for walking and I may just stick to it. I am starving now unfortunately - my stomach is making indignantly loud grumbles - but I'm really not going to give in today. Not at all.

And on the way in I thought about running. I've never thought that I could run. I'm pretty sure I won't like it but it IS an effective and cheap way of getting exercise. Ideally I'd join a swanky gym where I'd actually be happy to do a kickboxing class (god, I loved kickboxing), a dance class, a bodypump class and a pilates class but with my finances by the time I can afford this I will need a zimmer just to get there! There's a girl at my work who couldn't run for 2 mins (like me!) and started following the Zest book - Zest: Running Made Easy( where you build up from utterly useless to being able to run . She's doing the Marathon this year. And she eats sugar ALL DAY and is a slim and shapely size 10 - she hates running but it has great results. A bit like a VLCD - maximum results for least output but with a side order of pain to even up the score.

The reviews on Amazon for the Zest book look pretty good and I've heard other people have significant success with this. Somehow, b/f and I started talking about it last weekend and he'd do it with me which would make a difference in getting me off the sofa and out in the evening. I had said that I'd start in May as I hope to be off packs and on to food by then. But I've been thinking of Lesley, patron goddess of runners, who started running at about 16st on packs and now runs huge looking hills (a moment of silence in respect please). So maybe I could do it NOW. And I know I've got a few social occasions in March and running a bit might help offset those AND make me feel more in control. So, I think I might start next month. I've not got the book yet but have read about it and you start off with c16 mins, 1 min running, 2 mins walking. That doesn't sound too intimidating (although still challenging for a non-runner like me). I am worried that I might be the first person to fail on this (like I felt when I started LL) but I'm not going to let that stop me. I need some decent trainers (I have dodgy ankles so want to ensure they're proper running shoes, as supportive and cushioning as possible - and as cheap!), some cheapo kit (my old gym stuff is too big) and a sports bra. Gulp.

And I'm seriously considering some hypnotherapy to break my mental vicious circle of 'feel stressed and/or down, need sugar'. It would be a financial commitment which is scary (5-6 sessions @ £65 a session - and that's the cheap version) but if it worked it would have such a big impact on my life. I had 2 sessions for my arachnophobia several years ago and although I'm still pretty scared, I no longer hyperventilate, cry uncontrollably or go catatonic which were my previous reactions to spiders. I can manage the fact that I'm scared. I'm thinking about it anyway.

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Things that make you go hmmmm, #2

Mrs L (who I keep referring to as 'my friend' to people and I've never met her and don't even know what she looks like - nor her me!) pointed out somethng that I kind of know but don't think I've properly accepted, that being slim isn't a magic wand that makes your whole life perfect. IF I ever get to be slim (at the moment I think the kindest word would be 'plump') it doesn't mean that my life will be perfect.

But, but, but, people will like me more, b/f will love me more and I'll be more confident, yes? Surely? Even if I get to a size 12 (I'm a slightly smaller than average 16 at the moment) I will not be Elle McPherson - my legs are not going to grow long, how ever much I'd like that, I will always be dumpy. I accept and know that (grudgingly). But possibly I'll always be insecure - I hadn't signed up for that.

Things that make you go hmmmm

I'm hanging in there. After a virtuous weekend I had a disasterous day yesterday but today has been much better. I haven't been vanilla perfect (about 6 mini eggs) but I haven't eaten a couple of thousand calories worth of sugar (despite really really wanting to) and so this is progress - not impressive progress but progress nonetheless. And hopefully progress I can build on so tomorrow, no eggs! Or anything else.

Strangely, two of my friends have now pointed out that I have a real problem with sugar. Maybe it seems obvious to an outsider but I thought that yes, I had no willpower and yes, I was greedy but it didn't occur to me that I might have some deep seated psychological "issues". I thought everyone mainlined chocolate when they were down or upset. But yesterday my work pal, lovely V, said that she thinks my reaction in eating extreme quantities of sugar and chocolate etc is a form of self-loathing and punishment and almost akin to anorexia or bulimia (yes I AM the embodiment of that un-pc joke about the bulimic who forgets to throw up). I was quite taken aback actually. But last week I was out with one of my two best friends, willowy R, who said from reading this blog that "it's obvious" I have real issues with food.

Both V and R are extremely sensible women (in a glamorous, fun kind of way!) and so I have to listen to them. But I'm a bit dumbfounded to know what to do about my apparent (if not apparent to me) psychological issues with sugar. V even suggested therapy - we get a few free sessions through work - but I can't believe it would warrant that (and would hate it). I guess some self-help type of reading - it won't help my debt issues but I do feel a bit disturbed by the very thought that I'm more damaged goods than I'd realised.

Monday, 4 February 2008

One step forward, two steps back

I'm finding life so hard at the moment that the diet is even harder. Foodwise, I've been good all weekend having had a bad Thursday and Friday at work - but on Sunday I was sufficiently upset that if we HAD had anything in the flat, I would have eaten it.

B/f and I went for a walk around the park yesterday in the freezing cold. We were talking about his birthday - it's the big 5-0 for him this autumn. He's usually very severe about me not getting him much, due to my debts and I hate it. I'm a big present-giver and I find it really hard not being able to buy him stuff. But he's not big on stuff in any case so for his birthday I was planning on taking him somewhere wonderful for dinner. Had originally thought of Manoir aux Quatre Saisons but it turned out that that would be about £1,500 for two nights! He said he didn't want a surprise but wanted to choose - and then brought up the money thing again. It often feels as though he's punishing me for having debts and it felt like that again (to be fair, money/debt issues give him the real heebie-jeebies). It all deteriorated and in planning out what we do have to pay out for this year, we started talking about weddings - my youngest brother is marrying for the second time in the autumn and b/f was saying that we won't be able to do much about his birthday as we'll have to pay out for that. So then we got into a wedding conversation and that's the worst thing for me. B/f said he did want to marry me but he hadn't done anything because he didn't see why he "should have to marry anyone who was fat". Although I'm still a size 16 he doesn't feel that anymore but now it's "shouldn't have to marry anyone who's in debt". Realistically that means we wouldn't be getting married until I'm almost 50 (having probably well over 10 years until my loans are paid off). And I'm not sure there's any point then. Yes, I'd lose my hated surname but I clearly couldn't have a wedding dress or big bash - it would look ridiculous. And so I think I'd just feel bitter about what I'd lost out on. What I've already lost out on.

I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I barely slept last night and that never helps but I woke up this morning and felt like I had an airlock inside me that if it came to the surface I'd disintegrate - it felt like a mixture of panic and misery. I thought I'd walk in as that might help but although I usually enjoy the walk, every step was a trial and a resentment and teeth-on-edge-stuff this morning. Then I got in and ate 3 chocolate biscuits - a link? Oh yes.

And I was actually my lightest yet pre-Christmas weight this morning too. Dare say I've wrecked that now.

I know I have to cheer up, lighten up and toughen up but I seem to have lost the ability to know how to go about this. And I can't quite bring myself to care.