Friday, 31 July 2015

Bosom buddies

Who knew a t-shirt could be so weighty?  When I removed it, I had lost 2lbs.  Apparently, it weighed 3/4lb so maybe the 2lbs is a bit of a cheat but I could do with a good result to cheer myself up with - so I’m taking it.  Naked supplication to SoD seems to be the weigh way.  Or maybe it’s just that my nakedness terrifies it into submission (which would be understandable).  Either way, it’s my modus operandi from now on.

This means that I’m now 4lbs off having lost 2st since I started this diet 4 months ago.  It’s been slow – far, FAR slower than I would like – but I’m sticking at it whilst the inching downward trend continues.  But I am contemplating combining it with the 5:2 (ie doing both) at least until my holiday.  What do you think?  I saw an ad which says LighterLife do their packs through Superdrug for 5:2 – and if I were to do it, I think not thinking of or preparing food for those 2 days would help me.  It takes the agonising over food out of the equation.  When I did LL (years ago now) there was a very limited range and the bars (which sounded the nicest) were pretty foul, as were the soups, but it looks like things have changed – it would be trial and error I guess as to which ones were palatable.  I could do it Monday and Wednesday and WI on a Thursday.  What do you think?  I’d really like to boost my weight losses to a steady 2-3lbs a week, even just for the next month and a half....

This week has been aided by skipping a couple of meals, being very strict (as ever) and having little in the way of social engagements.  In fact I went to a work leaving do and drank only water – AND shunned the chips provided.  This is positively heroic, I'm sure you'll agree.  Especially as cocktails were on two for one.  

I’ve cautiously gone back to former bras - every now and again.  When I was wearing them a few months ago, they were leaving welts and bruising on my body.  Not to mention discomfort from mid-morning which turned into actual pain by midday.  They left welts so deep that the skin turned blue.  I bought larger bras but now some of them seem a bit baggy (mainly the ones with fuller cups - my cups are NOT runneth over).  Of all the places to lose – well, not inches but probably multiple - millimetres, I’d have chosen my stomach, bum or thighs first.  It’s true that I have a ridiculously comedy bosom but somehow that helps at least distract from the area from the waist downwards (at least, it does for me as I can’t see past them...).  In the same way I have lots of clothes of descending size, I also have lingerie of smaller (well, mostly back size, the cups seem to stay the same) size: at some stage, I decided I was too grotesque to have matching sets so my current bras are coupled with horrid dreary cotton multi packs.  It would be nice to get back to the size where I have matching knickers to go with the bras.  That's a further size down however and I'm not even wholly confident that my smaller-backed ones aren't going to scar me (mentally and physically) all over again.

Fatloss Forecast

I did meet a friend last night.  I was starving but didn’t eat, just had two gin and diet tonics.  But I don’t normally drink in the week so that's syns/calories that are out of the norm.  I’m meeting a friend for dinner on Monday but will choose carefully.  It should be fine – I’ve mitigated against the G&Ts and will have a careful weekend.  I’d like to hit at least the 4lbs off before my birthday at the end of August when there will be abandoned eating for a couple of meals.  I'm keeping that very much at the front of my mind when temptation beckons.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Ooh la la

It is received wisdom  that a loss is a loss (is a loss etc).  But this is to ignore that some losses are better than others.  Technically I had a loss this week but .... well, I’m only an extra coat of mascara away from a STS with a ½ lb off.  I did say I wanted to get into the next stone bracket and I am.  By ½ lb.  Maybe I need to be more specific in what I want.  So, diet gods, next week I would like to lose over 3lbs.  Please.  I’ve seen scant reward of late for the effort and I’m overdue a bit of payback.

And this, I think, is the crux of my frustration: there’s a lot of willpower, denial and determination on one side and so the balance on the virtual scales here seems as unequally weighted as me and Cheryl Cole on either end of a see-saw.

I did have an incident with French fancies on Thursday last week, following my exceptionally disappointing WI: but I determinedly gave up all syns for the rest of the week, except for wine at the weekend.  But normally I allow myself 4-5 syns worth of chocolate, if I’ve been good.  I was good, I had no chocolate.  I’ve had no chocolate for some time now.  Perhaps that’s why I’m day 2 into a migraine: withdrawal.  I’m dosed to the max on prescription drugs – perhaps they’re to blame for my piddly loss?  Hmm.  

And French fancies?  Really?  So NOT a good use of syns, so NOT a good use of being in a state of penance ever since.  It was definitely a result of being fed up with my - frankly unfair - WI last week.  And there's twisted logic for you.  Merde pour cervelle (me).  Still, to seek out the positives there, I did claw it back and I didn't use it to go 'oh sod it' even that day, let alone that week.  Such resolve is one of those things that I feel ought to be reflected when SoD gives its verdict but is, of course, not.

I know that I need to think of it in the light of ‘if I weren’t trying so hard, what would the outcome be’ which clearly would be me steadily becoming more and more hefty and all the attendant angst this brings me.  Still feels a bit thankless though.  To hit my goal for my holiday I’d have to lose 13 ½ lbs in 8 weeks: clearly not going to happen.  Especially as my birthday is in there.  But, setting that to one side, my next mini goal is to hit 2st off – I have 5 ½ lbs to hit that.  I’m trying not to think that could be 11 weeks away if I continue like this.  Or more, gulp.  And in fact, given that my holiday is 8 weeks away, I could easily be rather heavier in 11 weeks time.  And... STOP.  I can feel myself being sucked into that spiralling vortex of confusion and panic.  A step at a time.  Or a huge leap, in the case of 5 ½ lbs. 

So just to recap, diet gods: 3 lbs loss (+) for the next 2 weeks (at least); thereafter we’ll re-negotiate.  Please.

Fatloss forecast:

Nothing to stop me having another good week.  I have a meal with a friend tonight but have already told him I won’t be wanting wine (migraine sees to that) so will just pick something innocuous from the menu.  And it’s leaving drinks next Tuesday but I’ll be on mineral water – especially since it’s the day before WI.  Next week better just be the week when SoD smiles on me, that’s all.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Green on red

In the red corner (red is for ‘stop’, dear Reader) is the fact that it’s coming up to that time of the month and that I had rice for dinner last night (yes, I know you’re supposed to be able to have rice on SW but hmmm.  Hmmm, is all I’m saying).  In the green corner (and I won’t insult your intelligence, dear Reader, by spelling out what green is for) I have been so, so, so, so, SO good this week.  AND I have skipped a couple of meals.  AND I’d had a haircut – that’s got to weigh the scales in my favour.  I wanted a decent loss this week – 2lbs + ideally – as I am teetering on a stone’s cusp.  A single solitary lb would have me down to the next stone bracket. 

I approached SoD with feelings of hope diluting my usual trepidation – I knew I’d done the work and so, I told myself, I had nothing to fear.  Right?  Wrong.  Nada.  Not a sausage – not so much as a cocktail sausage’s worth of effort rewarded.

You may recall that I said we were dogsitting.  Well, she’s not been well and has been on reduced rations – and more digestible ones.  She’s clearly hungry.  Even by Labrador standards, poor dog.  Last night P said “Who do you think is hungrier?  You or Lily [dog]?”.  Well, all I know is that her portion sizes are larger – and she is smaller.  That’s all I have to say on that matter.

Reader, I was cheated.  There is no doubt about that.  I’d take it up with the diet gods but their customer service sucks.  It means that this week will be harder. I find it harder to maintain discipline and resist temptation when I feel that doing so isn’t paying off for me.  All I can say is that there better be a significant loss next week (I’m talking 3lbs+) in order to make up for this.  And so, I grimly set my teeth, tighten my belt (well, obviously I can’t do that literally) and set off for next WI.

Fatloss forecast:
Again, a quiet week ought to mean that the Green Corner triumphs, pummelling Red into meek submission.  But Green needs to get its finger out – it has the tools, now it needs to up its game.  I’d better stop there on the metaphors.  Team Green though.  Always

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Wanted: one wagon upgrade

Usually when there is radio silence on a dieting blog, you know it's because the dieter has fallen off the wagon into a vat of chocolate or (insert naughtiness of choice).  Not me.  Not on this occasion anyway.  Sadly SoD (Scales of Doom) does not seem to comprehend this.  

Two weeks ago I put on 1/2 lb and was trying to keep my cool - and then last week.  Well SoD was causing me much angst by saying I'd either put on 1/2 lb or up to 1.5lbs.  Reader, I couldn't bear to enter it in my SW weight loss thingy.  Cowardice?  Certainly.  We'd had a night out (a 6 course lobster and scallop themed evening with the most delicious raspberry souffle for pudding and mini doughnuts with coffee as well as the other four or five pescatarian mini courses) but I'd been pretty strict to try and accommodate this.  What I don't get is that the rules are supposed to allow for some deviation - ie you're allowed a certain level of lassitude in the shape of "syns" -  (that's deviation, not deviance) and still produce a loss.  This doesn't necessarily seem to work for me.  I cannot see a patten in my losses and this erodes my confidence in me, the diet and the fact that I might ever be less than a blob.

More of that pattern later.

I had a dull old week socially but still had no real confidence that this week's WI would come up with any result.  But I lost 3 1/2 lbs.  I am cautiously very pleased but I am also perplexed and would really like to understand what the actual f*ck is going on.  I have weeks where I lose very little, the odd week where I have a gain - and then, randomly the very rare week when I lose a chunk.  Is it stating the obvious, Reader, to say I'd like more of the de-chunking weeks?

Which brings me to the pattern.  Or rather the embodiment of chaos theory that is my pattern:
Wk 1:  -5 lbs
Wk 2: -1 ½ lbs
Wk 3: -1 lb
Wk 4: -3 ½ lbs
Wk 5: - ½ lb
Wk 6: -4 lbs
Wk 7 : +1 ½ lbs
Wk 8: - ½ lb
Wk 9: -1 lb
Wk 10: -1lb
Wk 11: -1lb
Wk 12: -1lb
Wk 13: STS
Wk 14: +½ lb
Wk 15: we're pretending this never happened (but + ½ - 1½ lbs)
Wk 16: -3 ½ lbs (from week 14)
Yes, I've been on SW for 4 months now.  I've lost 1½ st and an extra ½ lb.  No-one could say I was speeding along.  I think, pending some sort of miraculous acceleration, I will not make my target for my holiday.   And that's not target weight - that's unimaginably far off, I just mean the target I wanted to achieve before holiday.   It's 10 weeks to go - and one of those weeks includes my birthday.  I would say that 10lbs is veering from realistic to optimistic - the 14lbs is an impossibility.  Of course, squelching the idiotic little voice that continues to hope is more difficult.

Then of course I will put on whilst on holiday so the next target will be to lose that.  Then it'll be stone increments - both actual stones and stones off - until I get to the point when I feel like I shouldn't carry a placard, apologising to the population at large about my appearance, which is 3 stone away.  Then on to 'target'.  This could take years.   If at all.

Someone I follow on social media - not because of the dieting thing - has lost 2 ½ st in 10 weeks.  She has less to lose than me.  I am very pleased for her but I would be a liar if I said I was not envious.

I need a nippier, more streamlined wagon.  Go faster stripes would be nice.

Fatloss forecast:
Well, I have a big fat zero in my social diary for this week.  We're dogsitting my mother's geriatric Labrador so evenings out are, well, out.  This ought to lead to a decent loss next week but who knows?  Not me.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

The dieting blues

Somehow two WIs have passed since I last put pen to paper (or at least, fingers to keyboard).  I am trying to take from this that the time spent in this period of hard dieting will pass more quickly than it currently feels.  I find dieting to be lonely, relentless and myopic.

Lonely: maybe it’s because I don’t belong to a ‘club’.  Maybe if I were to take my weekly communions with Scales of Doom in public, I’d not feel like this.  But I doubt it.  I’ve been to a couple in the past and found them to be soul-sapping and irritation-raising.  I’m quite sure that one was the model for the Little Britain sketch.  One day the leader – in tones that implied extreme excitement – asked us to name as many different types of lettuce that we could think of.  There was a long, painful silence and the sort of facial expressions that lets you know a small child has just pooed its nappy.  Finally I could stand it no more: “iceburglollorossolamb’slettucefriseecosrocketspinachoakchicorywatercress”.  I did not, dear Reader, say peashoots as there was no such thing then.  And I love peashoots: life’s improved.  Anyway, I never went back – and I dare say they were relieved.  Other clubs I’ve attended have been largely about pushing chemical products and talking to me in the third person as if I were simple.  So loneliness is better, I guess.  The blogging world has stepped into this breach though – to be able to find people going through the same thing is immensely comforting. 

Relentless: it really is as Mad Eyed Moody said in Harry Potter: “Constant Vigilance”.  But it’s exhausting to keep your guard up against food all the time.  There are times when you’re tired, when you’re hungry and haven’t planned ahead, when you want to just see what you ‘feel like’ eating (always a mistake in my case), when you’re up against 10 deadlines at once and want to mainstream sugar, when you just want a day off.  And you can of course do all or any of those things – but you know what the result will be.  It can be depressing – although not as depressing as trying to find things to wear that don’t cause you to look in the mirror and feel the sort of pain and shame that causes your very soul to shrink in horror.  There is no such thing as dieting time out – if you’re not losing, then, chances are (if you’re me) you’re gaining.  And then you’re going to have to get on with losing that.

Myopic: I’ve talked about this before – when your entire world contracts in on you.  The secret relief when social arrangements fall through as you know it will throw you off dieting course.  The way that your mood for the week is dictated by that one encounter with SoD.  The way that you wish the time away from WI to WI because you.  Just.  Want.  Rid.  Of.  It.  The Diet becomes all-consuming.  Somewhat ironically.  Again, the blogging world helps as otherwise my only yardstick is the dieting world portrayed by the media.  And none of THOSE women take 3 months to lose a stone.  Oh no.  THEY lose weight at a dizzying rate.  I am pleased for them and I hate them.  Shameful, I know.  If I could have any super power it would be to eat what I want without putting on any weight.  Yes, above flying, invisibility, super-strength – above ANYTHING.  Okay, radiant beauty would be beguiling, but for me, that’s the same as being slim.  Radiant beauty and a permanent diet or me and able to eat anything?  It’s a toughie.  As it is I strongly suspect I will have to settle for me and a permanent diet.

Last week I lost – as predicted – 1lb.  This week I STS.  I am not unduly surprised as I didn’t have a good week and my period is overdue (nope, not pregnant – in case that’s where your thoughts went).  I panic ate some pretzels and sweets at work during a stressful time and then we went out for dinner on Saturday.  Yes, I tried to rein back apart from that but I’m still not surprised.  This means I have 13 weeks to lose 18lbs.  I know in my heart of hearts I can’t do it (especially as my birthday is in there) but it’s very difficult not to hope and agonise.  Maybe it’s more that my head knows it’s impossible but my stupid heart is too stubborn to believe it.

Fatloss Forecast:
This week (all 2 days so far) has been scrupulously good.  Let’s see what the WI brings (whilst crossing every appendage, obviously).  I may be seeing one of my best friends on Tuesday and next week is looking like a stressful (ie very busy) work week but I’m hanging out for a reasonable loss.  I’ve had a lot of small ones recently – I’d like 2lbs+ please (okay, I’d like 4lbs+ but even I have to be reasonable).  The following week is looking more tricksy with a short work trip to Preston (yes, I know, I live a life of international level glamour) and, more excitingly, a long-booked themed evening at our local restaurant focussing on lobster and scallops.  6 courses.  With wine.  I’m not at all convinced by their wine choices but ready to be converted.  More on this, I suspect, next week – if I get time to write.

May your SoDs be kind.

Friday, 5 June 2015

On a (chin) roll

Well, I suppose a 1lb loss is ‘solid’ but it’s a bit disappointing.  Don’t get me wrong: I’ll take it and I’m only too aware how much worse it could be.  But I guess I’m having a phase where it all just feels like a bit of a slog.  I think it goes in circles – admittedly you only get the novelty factor once but otherwise it swings between acceptance and rebellion.  Acceptance feels like plodding on, not giving it much thought – just doing it, to bastardise the cheesily American slogan.  Rebellion has a whole range of emotions attached: sadness, anxiety (over social occasions and how to minimise their impact and of course, fear of Scales of Doom), resentment (but I want an X and it’s so unfair I can’t).  Guilt pervades all.  I am pretty damn virtuous and on plan, but using syns, thinking about using syns – all this makes me guilty and anxious.  In a nutshell: dieting is not fun. 

I do think it helps a little with the self-loathing though.  I know I’m ‘doing it’.  Ultimately I should look less repulsive; I repeat this in my head when looking in the mirror, when hating what I’m wearing.  P says he can see a difference but I suspect, unless he has some kind of fat-activated x-ray vision, he’s deluding us both.  I can’t.  And I remember on LL it took over a stone before anyone started to notice – and I’m back to just below my starting LL weight.  I reckon it’ll be another stone before it’s remotely impactful or visible.  And given that I’m going so s-l-o-w-l-y that could be another three months.  Sod it, that deserves an emoji: L

We are off to Canada in 15 weeks: I should probably think of that as a 15lb loss.  But really I want to lose a stone and a half (minimum tbh) – now, I’m BAD at maths and BAD at the weird number of (smaller) things to (bigger) things (seriously, the explanation of currency in Harry Potter makes as much sense to me) but I’m reasonably sure that’s, um, 21lbs (it IS 14lbs = 1 stone, right?) and that is quite a difference.  I’ll probably put that ON in the 2 ½ weeks we’re there, no problem.  Ah well, we’ll see – I can only do what I can do (infuriatingly). 

And exercise?  Weirdly it has no effect on my weight loss.  I thought this made me a freak but I have read quite a bit of research which shows that it doesn’t necessarily affect weight.  It clearly DOES in some people.  But even when I was running (and hating it) three times a week AND on LL 600 calories, no difference.  Even when I was cycling in to work most days (9miles), no difference.  I’ll still be hiking at weekends but because I LIKE it, not because I expect it to have any impact (okay, I always hope it does but even when recently we did a mammoth 13 miler of which the last 2 miles were hell and I really don’t know how I made it, no impact on scales).

Fatloss Forecast:
Reader, I did something terrible yesterday: I ate 2 WHITE rolls (tiger rolls if it makes a difference – absolutely zero nutritional merits).  I’ve severely kept the carbs down since I started: brown rice once or twice a week, very occasional pasta, even more occasional homemade wholemeal seeded bread.  But P had bought the enticing tiger rolls and I wanted them SO MUCH.  Anyhow, it’s done and I can’t be weeping over bread now.  No booze for me at the weekend though to try and offset the damage.  I ought to have syns in the bank for the rolls but I can’t quite believe it won’t derail me (see opening para).  The other thing is that I’m meeting a friend for drinks on Tuesday evening – she almost always cancels at the last moment though.  I ought to have a solid loss unless I do something stupid.  That seems to be -1lb.  We’ll see.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Rules of engagement

So how’s this for confusing?  I lost 2lbs.  Which finally – FINALLY – takes me to a stone off.  I do hope the next one is easier.  Yeah, yeah, I know, there’s no way that’s ever going to happen.

But this brings me to what I wanted to write about even before today’s surprise announcement: the Rules.  No, not the one saying you mustn’t show a man you’re interested until you have a ring on your finger.  Because I abjectly failed at that – having been with P for 15 years before he proposed (less ‘popped the question’ than exploded it as I nearly passed out from shock).

No, I am a Rules Girl.  P does not like this about me.  But I like to know that if I do x, then y will happen.  Not f*cking g or q or even ~.  Life rarely co-operates.  In dieting terms, I know that I can have 5-15 “syns” a day.  So I mostly have 4 on Monday - Friday, with the expectation that the chaos theory may well chuck in a few under the radar.  This also means that I can have wine at the weekend (okay, mostly just Saturday) and a G&(skinny)T with impunity, having slaved at the syn-front all week.  It means half a chocolate bar on a Sunday – if there’s been no other synnage.  That’s what I do and I expect, therefore, to have a nice neat loss as a consequence.  The fact that it doesn’t work like that is a constant source of surprise and bitter disappointment.  But more than that, it feels as if Life/Dieting God is reneging on some watertight contract and it really pisses me off.

Okay, I try to tip the tables in my favour by missing out one of my ‘Healthy Eating’ A and/or B at the weekend (this, non SW people, is a bread/crackers allowance and a dairy allowance.  In the week this is my morning coffee and 25g of cereal to sprinkle on my FF yoghurt and fruit).  My theory is that I ‘buy’ myself extra slack in not eating those calories at the weekend.  I do not know whether this is a good theory or even sensible.  It makes sense to me but I have very little science awareness.

I want things to be neat, okay?  Yes, even my wardrobe and there’s no chance of that, having as it does bags of clothes I am waiting to shrink into (it features everything from 14s (from my smallest post LL days) to 22s sufficient to (almost) corral my comedy bosom.  I want though, to look at my week’s consumption, look at my weight loss and be able to tally the two.  To be confident that if I keep my end of the bargain, so too will the Scales of Doom.  I can even deal with the fact that if I had a week when I went off-piste that I would put on.  Because I know why and it’s my fault, I deserved it and I can correct it. 

This week I am confident that I was just about within my weekly synnage so I ought to have lost but was terrified (and pleasantly pleased) but last week?  Who knows what happened?  In fact, the last few weeks are a mystery.  But I can totally see why Amanda L looked at my losses and said (paraphrasing) that I’m losing my mojo; I’d look at that and make that assumption too.  But I’m still sticking to it as carefully as ever – I even weigh my 25g of cereal each day, rather than assuming I know the rough amount.  If I ever have cheese on anything (pretty rare, admittedly) I weigh the 30g.  I eat boringly consistent meals in order not to risk the perilous balance.  Universe: are you listening?

And thanks for the pom-pom waving from Amanda, Gabby, Steph and Tiramisue (great name although it does make me salivate a bit!).  I assure you that I’m sticking with it, even on days when the contract has been ripped up in my face to accompanying virtual gusts of laughter.  But believe me, your comments help me plod on.  PS I had half a glass of wine at the team evening, did not eat and just stuck to fizzy water.

Fatloss Forecast:
Seriously, I’m beginning to think forecasting the weather is easier.  And I have a cardigan, brolly and sunglasses in my bag.  But in terms of obstacles to dodge – just one which I’m pretty confident I can manoeuvre around: supper and drinks to celebrate a colleague’s impending wedding.  I reckon I can choose a very SW friendly dinner and I’ll swerve the wine/cocktails.  It ought to be a solid result on SoD next week (body-slamming wood at this point).