Mince pies are the new miracle

I couldn’t cycle today – I just couldn’t. My gears have stuck so I can only manage in my middle cog (makes hills harder), I have my period with a vengeance (late and ferocious), the weather, although dry here, is very windy and I wasn’t sure how long I’d be stuck in the office tonight. Enough with the excuses already! I dragged myself up to do the Circuit of Hell though – so I’ve done that three times this week and cycled once. Not impressive. Bf said encouragingly as I lifted dumbbells that he was sure I looked slimmer. But he’s delayed our trip a little and I think may be being ingratiating. It's a good way to get in my good books!

The weather means I won’t be getting my two or three long walks that I’d looked forward to this weekend either. Might manage one medium one if the weather is better by Sunday – but I’m not counting on it at this (soggy) stage.

Eating is – better. Not good, let alone perfect, but not crazy, off-the-rails like it has been. No progress on fitting into stuff – but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s as if the very action of lifting weights makes me feel that I must be slimmer. I think the scales tomorrow may beg to disagree.

And tis the season for miracles (see last post (not the trumpet tune))? Er no, that’s SO last millennia schweetie. The season this millennia means mince pies, chocolate, chocolate advent calendars, chocolate, chocolate log, chocolate and all manner of festive goodies. And chocolate. Most of my hibernation stash is still in situ – although my M&Ms bag that I carefully count out 11 of into a small box every day is severely depleted. I appear to have given bf a severe M&M habit. And one of my best friends too – although when I last saw her, poured into the teeniest-tiniest, leggiest, skinniest of skinny jeans, it didn’t seem to be doing her any harm. If I could fit an arm into her jean legs I’d be a happy – and much smaller – woman.

Hibernating

The urge to hibernate is very strong in the dark mornings – I push snooze on my alarm clock at least three times before I get up, reluctantly. Today looks like being the only dry day this week so I force myself to cycle. My gears won’t work properly and it turns out I forgot my towel – a slightly sweaty t-shirt does not make a good substitute. And I’m not looking forward to putting it back on to cycle home.

When I had the energy to be on the doctors’ backs (not literally, it might kill them) about WHY I have so many bloody headaches, the best they could come up with was a scan which showed that one set of my sinuses were “partially occluded” – the set behind my eyes and next to the blood supply to my brain. This meant there was nothing they could do as it’s too dangerous to operate – not something I was sorry to hear! But it could be right because I notice in the cold how my head literally pulsates with pain and my eyes water with it. Anyway, that’s a long way round of saying it’s tougher to cycle in the cold! I’m still doing it when it’s dry and I’m still doing Circuit of Hell 2-3 times a week (I aim for 3, I don’t always make it). This week so far I’ll have cycled one day and done Circuit of Hell once – I’m planning on CoH tomorrow and either cycling or CoH on Thursday, depending on the weather. On Friday we are going to Aldeburgh for the weekend – we wanted to do a couple of long walks but the weather forecast is dire.

It’s an odd one. Years ago, we all talked about ‘anniversaries’ and they meant we’d been with a boyfriend (I think this is exclusively a girl thing!) for weeks/months/years – the younger you were the shorter the time that seemed worthy of mention. As we all grew up (at least in theory!) my friends started to have proper anniversaries – ie the date on which they’d got married. So it seems sort of silly to confess that this weekend is for bf and my ‘anniversary’ – it’s not the real deal but we did meet 15 years ago this weekend.

The food thing is still difficult for me. Maybe that’s because of my wanting to hibernate too – not that I’m burying chocolate around the place, you understand. Actually I do keep buying it and putting around the place! Which in itself is not a problem – only when I then eat a load of it. I’m a little better than I was, but not enough to make me feel less gloomy and fatalistic about it all.

The recent reports saying that, ooops, scientists got it wrong and actually we can have 400 cals more, fill me with deep suspicion. Firstly, I think that may be men. Secondly, why are we all so fat if we’re undereating? Okay, not all of us but I’m speaking from the chubby-side here. It’s all very confusing. I also saw this thing on the Mail website (okay, not a source known for incisive factual reporting) but quoting the WHO which supposedly gives a range of calories we need. If you’re a woman, aged 30 – 60 you take your weight in kilos and multiply it by 8.7, add 829 and multiply the total by 1.5 for a sedentary lifestyle or 1.8 for an active one. This came out for me as from almost 2500 – 3000 cals. I think not! Sadly. Here’s the link to the article if you want to see:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1226258/Cant-lose-weight-Dont-blame-metabolism.html

But that’s not if you’re losing weight anyway so I’m not sure how you adjust that. Another source today told me that to maintain my weight (like anyone my weight would want to!) I should eat 2176cals or to lose weight I should eat 1624 – 1852, depending on level of exercise:

http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2005/12/26/how_to_calculate_your_daily_calorie_needs.php

Whether it’s 1624 or 2949 – I don’t believe any of it. I suspect that I really need to eat very little if I actually want to lose weight – so little that I’m very hungry. I’ve only succeeded with LL and that’s less than 600 cals – and I still lost very slowly on that. I do want to lose weight but I can’t go back to the dust sachets. I’m just going to try and eat 1200-1400 cals a day, cycle 3-4x a week, CoH 2-3x a week and hope that at some point my body stops fighting me and a miracle occurs. Tis the season for miracles after all, right?

Progress report

That should read lack of progress report...

Days cycling - 2/3-4 (blame the weather - as it was I cycled home practically underwater on Thursday)
Number of Circuit of Hell - 2/3
Days happy with eating - 0
Number of skirts fitting - 4 (just)
Number I look good in - 0
Weight lost this week - 0
Number of readers surprised by this - 0

I am still mojo-less. Every day I think it's going to be different but every day it isn't. Every day I plan out my menu and every day I eat too much (chocolate). Every day I go to bed loathing myself and swearing that tomorrow will be different. It isn't.

I seem to be able to count out 12 peanut M&Ms (c100cals) into a plastic box from home to take to work, to break a dark chocolate bar into squares (c50 cals) and wrap each into cling film to put in the fridge and nibble at one a night. What I absolutely cannot do is have any sense of perspective or discipline at work. I buy a multi pack of curly wurlys for my desk drawer (110 cals) and eat two. I think I may have even eaten three on one occasion. I KNOW I can't buy M&Ms at work or I'm incapable of eating half a bag. And if anyone brings in cakes/flapjacks/mince pies/sweets (almost every day at the moment) I'm the first one there. I know I should be ashamed and embarrassed - and I am, but it doesn't stop me. And I'm constantly thinking of what's left, whether I can have more. Even how long I have to wait until the next snack and what I could have in the interim (a cappuccino? Surely that would be okay? I am tired, I need the caffeine etc etc).

It all seems so futile at the moment and I know that even if I managed to lose some weight before Christmas (and that would be s-l-o-w as ever), I'd simply pile on even more over Christmas. My weight is slowly edging up, not down - I lose a bit, go away or there's Christmas or something and I put on more than I lose and so I start the whole process at a higher weight than before. It's depressing, it's exhausting just thinking about it and it's very, very scary.

Mortification

Admittedly I was wearing my cropped trapeze style jacket this morning (not very flattering), but I hadn’t realised that I looked so bad (read: fat) until a girl on the tube lent over to tap me on the arm and offer me her seat. I smiled, thanked her and refused whilst curling up with mortification inside. She clearly thought I was pregnant.

3 go mad in the Peaks

It’s been a while. And as you know, no news is not good news. I’m struggling – I am cycling when I can and doing my circuit (and no, Ish, I’m not fit – but sub in another vowel (‘a’) and you’re there!) but finding it very difficult still not to seek solace in chocolate. And being hungry doesn’t help.

But I had a nice weekend. Me, Beth and bf went up to Lesley-country to celebrate her 40th birthday with her. I have to say at this point that Lesley is clearly a big, fat fraud. Except she’s not big or fat! But I suspect her of fraudulence. She was positively glowing in a racy little halter-neck number and looked 34 if she was a day. The pub was heaving with her friends – this is one popular lady. Beth also looked sensational in the longest, skinniest, teeny black jeans, a flamenco style shirt and very saucy ankle boots. I looked dull in a cotton skirt and jumper. Sigh. I must learn that eating chocolate leads to nothing to wear to special occasions. And I have Naughty R’s wedding in May.

Beth, bf and I did a long walk on Saturday as an off-setting mitigation exercise for our intended cake-fest thereafter. And, okay, because we all like walking – and Lesley lives in the middle of the most gorgeous countryside.

It was coldish but sunny as we set out. But after a very fierce climb to the top of a ridge, the cloud gathered, the wind whipped up and Beth turned blue. Through 6 layers of clothing. You see? There are advantages to being fat and unfit – I was so hot I had to take my scarf off after the climb and gladly passed it over to Beth, along with my hood. She may have been a mountain-goat in her sprints up the hills but this tortoise won the race. Well, that’s not true but had Beth actually died of hypothermia, I’d have been able to nip past her. Although possibly not uphill as my legs were like jelly. As it was, by the time we’d found the car again in the gathering gloom and increasing rain, the tea shops were long since closed. We made up for it by detouring to one in a village in Nottinghamshire on our way home... I do reckon that me and my uber-ugly fleece trousers burnt a shed-load of calories – but I bet I was still in deficit.

I cycled in today in a further attempt to battle my many bulges. The wind was so sharp it made my ears and neck sting. It’s still a slog. It seems to work like fat – you have a small win, then time off where you slide back dramatically and then it takes ages and ages to get back to where you were. I have lost 3 of the 10lbs I put on on holiday 5 weeks ago. And my cycle rides still seem tougher and longer (ie I’m slower) than I was before I went. In fact, I seem to be back to where I was when I started six months ago – or maybe even slower. The only other days I can cycle this week are Thursday and Friday – and torrential rain is forecast for Friday (although they may yet change their minds). Circuit of hell is planned for tomorrow, Thursday and Friday – Beth lent me new (heavier) weights so I ought to be more effective. Still trying to eat my porridge (made with low fat soya milk and water, a tsp of honey and a dsp of toasted almond flakes) before I leave in the morning – which does mean having to have a second breakfast, hobbit-style, around 10am of some 2% Greek yoghurt with a tsp of honey. But I reduced my porridge from ½ cup of oats to 1/3 cup to compensate a bit. Then a 2 finger kitkat mid-morning, half a carton of soup with a small home-made roll spread with low fat Laughing Cow triangle, a piece of fruit and 4 walnuts for lunch, 12 peanut M&Ms and 2 satsumas mid afternoon and something like fish/meat with veg, a piece of fruit and a square of dark chocolate for dinner. I know there’s a lot of chocolate but I’m trying to convince myself I can have small quantities as long as it’s part of the calorie count, and that I don’t have to go mad and binge; it’s not an all or nothing thing. And I had been eating cereal bars which are the same calorie count but not as enjoyable – the Kitkat, M&Ms and square of chocolate all add up to 260 cals.

One step forward, six back

So, to update those stats:

Number of days I cycled last week = 4/3-4 (weekly goal)
Number of Circuit of Hell = 2/3 (that's two out of a planned three, not two thirds!) last week and 1/3 this week
Number of perfect dieting days = 0
Number of days without unscheduled chocolate = 1
Number of puddings declined = 1!
Number of work skirts I fit into (just) = 4 (because I bought a new one, not because I'm slimmer)
Number I look good in = 0

And having had a reasonable weekend on the food front, today I have simply gone mad on sugar. There was a massive pile of sweets and chocolates behind me today and I ate them all day. ALL DAY. Tomorrow I will have the shakes, I know this. And I dread to think about the quantity of calories I have consumed. Why? Well, greed and opportunity first and foremost. But I think there is this lurking sense of fatalism that whatever I do, I am sliding back towards obesity. I know this behaviour makes it more of a free-fall. This is a blip, I'm going to try and find that mojo. And they are chewy sweets, as well as the more earnest meaning! (My tongue was firmly in my cheek, Claire - it's always best to assume I'm being flippant!) Actually, I'm not sure I've ever met my mojo before; I may not recognise it even if I were to find it stuffed behind the sofa.

Today I was supposed to be meeting a friend after work so didn't cycle in. As it is, she was ill and had to cancel. This week looks impossible for cycling - tomorrow and Thursday are rainy and Wednesday I have the gas man coming and so have to get into the office as quickly as possible afterwards which does not include an hour's cycle ride and then a shower. I did manage to walk the 2-3 miles in today though, as well as my circuit chez nous. It's not looking like a good dieting week.

Circuit of Hell - it's my name for my little circuit, with an oblique reference to Dante, Ish. And indeed, Dante-ish. Mine consists of 15 box push ups, 20 secs of plank, 15 2 stage sit ups, 20 twisting sit ups (10 each side), 20 lunges (ditto), 20 tricep exercises with a stretchy band, then 4 sets of arm weights - not sure what they're all called, 15 palms down from by legs straight out to side, 15 bicep curls, 15 shoulder presses, 15 chest presses and 15 hammers (think that's what they're called). The weights are too light for the hammers and bicep curls but PhD Anti-fatter friend is lending me her heavier ones. I do this circuit twice and I try and do the two circuits three times a week. Last week I managed twice only. This week I must do better - especially with the paucity of cycling.

Wish I could lift the weight of my heart and get on with de-fatting. Not to mention the weight off my arse, belly, thighs etc etc etc

Vital stats

Number of days of cycling - 1 (with 3 being the aim if I manage tomorrow and Friday)
Number of Circuits of Hell - 1 (hoping to do it again tomorrow. Should do it 3x....)
Number of days of 'good' eating (aka dieting properly) - 0
Number of unplanned chocolate incidents yesterday - 4
Number of work skirts I can squeeze into - 3.5
Number I look good in - 0

It's not good. What's my mojo, Claire? Is it a chewy sweet? Because I'm up for that, sadly. And Ish, I'm so chubby that I probably would bounce - if I fell down.

Which is reassuring for cycling I guess. It was SO hard last night. My neck ached, my shoulders ached, my thighs ached, my lower back ached so badly I thought my period had decided to make its presence a weekly event. But I didn't mind the fact that it was dark - I'm so cautious anyway. I had today off but I'm back in the saddle tomorrow (assuming that it's not raining) and I'm going to try for Friday too. I guess I was fitter than I thought just before my holiday too(although not, as you'll note, slimmer).

I did have a sulky look on ebay for some size 'cough' 18s but there wasn't much and what was there was going for quite a bit. So I'm stuck with (and possibly stuck in) the larger end of my current wardrobe. I kind of feel that any cutting in of waistbands is a punishment I deserve - I know that sounds a bit self-flagellating but it's true. And there's also the issue that I can't bear to think that I need a larger size - I have to get down, not settle for going up or where does that trend end? Admittedly, this tactic doesn't seem to be working too well at the moment. I actually ate three bits of my chocolate orgy yesterday to 'clear it up' so I wouldn't be tempted now and would have a clean sheet (from today). Errrr, total calorie intake the same, chocolate doesn't increase in calories like interest on your credit card statement the longer you leave it.