Tuesday, 21 December 2010
I also made my first batch of mince pies last night. I decided that rather than keep eating poor mass produced ones, my own with my orange pate sucree and mincemeat and pecans marinated in Cointreau. I also only put a pastry star on the top rather than a whole lid, which must reduce a few cals, right?! The pastry was actually too soft (it does have 2 egg yolks as well as orange zest and juice in it) and more like playdough, so I need to have another bash. I am not a lover of pastry but pate sucree is lovely – especially my orangey version.
I haven’t dared weigh myself but I rather fear that my jeans which were getting rather on the loose side are now rather on the snug side.
If life were remotely fair, I would be losing weight at an alarming rate just trying to keep warm. It’s freezing in London. In fact, it’s rather a lot colder than freezing. We went up to the tinhut on Saturday. It was actually colder in than out! Bf went to the loo and the water in both the cistern and the actual loo was frozen solid – as was our olive oil. Too solid to break even! We couldn’t put the heating on for fear of cracking the pipes but put 2 fan heaters and went out for 3 hours. We came back – it was still frozen solid. We went home, driving through a blizzard with the piled up snow and ice scraping along the bottom of the car. I left a greenhouse heater going on a frost setting so that it comes on when the temperature falls below +5oC. We’re hoping that will be enough for us to get there between Christmas and New Year – we’re wanting to walk off some of those Christmas calories (and possibly re-ingest them a bit!) with a 12.5 miler one day and shorter walks on the other days. But if everything is still frozen solid, we’ll have to have a city break chez nous instead. Which I suspect means films and loafing – not as good for us, especially since I suspect we’ll still do the re-ingesting!
Will try and post more from my rut of depravity (food-wise) before we break for the orgy of calories that is Christmas.
Thursday, 9 December 2010
I'm also having my hair done (in even more desparate need of maintenance than my car!) and am hoping to squeeze in a spot of Christmas shopping - especially since I need to get quite a few children's presents. There are suddenly seem to be a lot of children in my life - people seem to be breeding like rabbits! None of their offspring have (discernable) twitchy noses and whiskers though! I struggle with children's presents as I am child-free myself and am always in a fervour of anxiety as to whether I'm going to get it right or not.
Then I have my dress rehearsal for my second choir's Christmas concert which is Saturday night. It's hilarious - I am by far the youngest member and they all talk to me in bright, enthusiastic, encouraging tones which makes me feel like the child they seem to think I am! Poor bf is dragged to more choral things than I think he would choose to be but is very long-suffering. We have 2 performances next week to go to (proper choirs - including the Sixteen (v exciting) - hmm, perhaps that Rover 25 and I are well matched!) and he has my other choir's Christmas concert to get through yet too.
With all this, you'll perhaps indulge me in a short rant. WHY are there grown women wearing hats which are panda bear faces - with ears? I've seen enough to make them a significant minority and am appalled every time. Then I followed a woman into the office (in her 50s) who had a Tintin rucksack. Now, I like Tintin as much as the next woman. More, probably, unless she is Belgian and patriotic. But a rucksack emblazoned with Tintin imagery? Er no. Not even if Mulberry made one.
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
We go to freezing tin hut, I flush the loo and it sounds like a slush puppy machine. We leave and go for lunch (that bit was good). We come home and bf has a post whisky nap (and wine and beer). I notice a spreading wet patch next to the bath. I wake up bf with the words "So what does a burst pipe look like?". This does the trick and he springs to his feet. I go out in the cold and the dark to turn the water off, bf takes the side off the bath and identifies a cracked pipe where water is coming out "like a water pistol". We tog up to walk to the on-site staff who shrug and direct us to a 6 year old Yellow Pages "in the thingy". We had to question closely to establish what "the thingy" was - a phone box. The only 2 numbers which are still current and anyone answers, decline to come to a mobile home. We pack up and leave at 8.20pm. It is dark and rainy and there are patches of thick fog. It takes me 3 hours to drive home (bf regretful that his lack of sobriety forces him to take the back seat (driver)). I have a headache, I am fed up, tired and hungry. I stop at McDonalds at 11.30pm and eat Big Mac and baby (cold) fries. Then a Big Purple One.
Actually I should refrain from eating too many Big Purple Ones lest I become a Big Purple One (I am fond of purple) in the same way that I fear I am becoming the embodiment of Ginger Pig (Big Purple Ginger Pig anyone?!).
On Sunday I decide that to use the unexpected and unwanted time in London to proper effect, I’d try to get a coat that kept me slightly warm. Since it’s absolutely bloody freezing. We drive towards Bluewater only to find that the queue to get off the motorway on to the turn – before the shopping centre is even open – goes back over a junction. Coat hunt is instantly aborted and we go to Wahaca for lunch. Which includes a shared portion of churros with hot dipping chocolate and cold caramel. We then have canapés for supper with red fizz and a glass of sherry. And a Big Purple One. Only a slight return to sanity (and a side order of laziness) prevents me making mince pies.
Anyway, the coat story ends well with bf buying me a terrifyingly expensive coat from Hobbs (olive and heather herringbone tweed) as an early Christmas present last night. I have resisted buying a decent coat since embarking on LL (4 years ago?) on the basis that I won’t know what size I am the following year. Well, of course I am still hoping to be much smaller next year but based on performance thus far, it seems silly (and chilly) to procrastinate further (and maybe I could have it taken in? You know, if...). I bought the smaller of the two sizes I tried on – even bf (who inclines to brutal frankness) said the larger one was too big. The smaller one (my current dress size) is slightly snug and I mustn’t allow Christmas to make it impossible to wear. Or there will be questions in the house. Or the flat/tinhut anyway. So really I need to lose some in order to mitigate the inevitable putting on over the Big (Purple?!) Week.
Today is not a good day to decide on this. Tonight is our work party. Groan. In a Chinese that was closed down for maggots in the food last year. Bet it doesn’t stop me though! Unless there are actual maggots of course – even I wouldn’t scarf those down. I won’t drink for fear of becoming very frank with some of my colleagues which saves a) calories and b) drunken consumption of anything and everything. As it is, I was forced to issue the following after threats of “super-fun party games” – “I think I have made my position on this clear. Greatly as I esteem you all (or most of you), I will not be participating in anything that requires bodily contact with any of you. Fact.”
Then on Saturday we’re having a festive supper with my mother before our carol concert (assuming we can actually get to a rehearsal or the actual performance) but then I think, think, that’s it until Christmas proper. Assuming I don’t fall headlong into a vat of Big Purple Ones (or its evil twin, the Big Gold One), and if I can negotiate around the maze of disaster that is the propoints labyrinth, then I ought to be able to lose a bit, don’t you think? And we have walks planned for in between Christmas and New Year – including our marathon 12.5 miler which we’ll have to set off for at c9am to get back before dark. That ought to burn a few calories. But I fear Chubby is still but a distant dream.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
In the meantime, I've eaten both biscuits and chocolate and am making no attempt to point. It's nigh on impossible whilst I'm not in control of much and I'm just so flipping cold and tired. I'm hoping that all the wading through snow will offset this but I dare say I'll regret it!
Hope you're all snug and warm - and at home!
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Week 1 - +1
Week 2 - -1
Week 3 – 0
Now, I didn’t have a great weekend – I will disclose 8 truffles and 3 florentines, 2 glasses of champagne (flutes) and 2 glasses of wine. But we did a 2 ½ hour walk in the snow and the sliding about alone made me ache the next day like I haven’t for ages. And it was bitterly cold which is supposed to burn calories. I was too chicken and too flat (yes, the ‘l’ is in there deliberately, it’s not a typo) to track it. I don’t feel like I’m doing very well on the new WW system. I know I’m not eating too much fruit because I’m really restricting it, I know I’m all too often hungry and I know that I’m using my bonus points (as well as some exercise ones sometimes). But I also know that I don’t know what constitutes a good choice and my pps can rocket without me being aware of my making an error (although I do agree with Becca that seafood sticks are an evil, made-up non-food (tasty though!)).
After the snowy, skiddy walk (so weird with the snow and the colours of autumn at the same time) we got back late for lunch and I was starving. I had an emergency mars bar in my walking pack which, despite being really hungry, I managed to resist. So I careered into the cafe with glee, being overly ready for my lunch. It was full. So then we had to go to another cafe where literally all they had were a variety of rolls. Most with melty cheese of one type or another in. I had the only one that wasn’t but it was disappointing since it wasn’t what I wanted and I was reasonably sure was doing me no favours on the pointy front either (one of those I can deal with but both colliding together make me sulky and resentful).
And work is tough at the moment – and lonely. And it’s cold and dark and my period is due and I have a spot and I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was reading a bridal magazine yesterday and looking at a wedding show’s details and I realised I didn’t want to go because I was ashamed of being too fat for a bride and that other (slimmer) women might sneer at me. And/or pity me.
All of this means I want to forget the infuriating and mystifying pps and drink fizz and mulled wine and big glasses of red with hearty meals. And eat canapés and chocolate and mince pies and chocolate log and chocolate.
But I have to be slim enough not to fear wedding dress shopping by next autumn.
Friday, 26 November 2010
We’re going to a tea room for a Sunday lunch on Sunday but that (canapés aside) is my only food splurge. This week.
Next week it’s my mum’s birthday. Now, she’s on Dukkan but we’ll have either lunch/dinner and some blinis with smoked salmon etc. She doesn’t want me to bake her a cake but I’ll get some little sweet treats (cupcakes if I can find the time to go and get them). She was bemoaning her flabbiness and ‘fat bits’ whilst simultaneously telling me she’s now under 8 stone and has just bought a pair of size 4 jeans. It’s difficult to be sympathetic! Particularly since I just bought her a very expensive pair of designer jeans (NYDJ – she’s got too teeny for the pair she has) for her birthday in a size 8. Today I’ve ordered a 6. But I think that’s as low as they go and bizarrely, they don’t do a petite in anything smaller than an 8 (huh? Surely only pixies are that small anyway. Unless they all wear stilts...)
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Pushing me further in the sinful direction of a ginge-binge is the fact that I’m meeting a friend tonight for supper in Prezzo – and I have no idea of what the pps might be/could be. I’m going to order, from their low calorie menu, a pasta dish with vegetable sauce (a previous WW winner) – but who knows if it’s a pp wise choice? Having made what seemed to be an utterly blameless Nicoise salad the other day which came to a staggering 11 pps, I’m still confuddled by the whole system.
I agree that 1lb off is the right direction (before you all yell it at me!) but it still seems woefully inadequate, especially given my wholly undeserved gain previously (“Previously on this blog” – as narrated by Jack Bauer). People are getting very snippy on the WW boards with anyone who may be perceived as criticising the new system – all very cult-like! As ever, I’m happy to believe but I need the proof! I’ll accept a sudden lurch taking me to kissing distance from Chubby.
Monday, 22 November 2010
Saturday: I had 3 glasses of wine and a glass of champagne and a pudding. Yesterday I had some of those supermarket (Waitrose) canapés. I’m utterly addicted to these; I love all small food (dim sum, tapas etc) and we often have these festive nibbles in lieu of supper in December. We had mini cheeseburgers, mini welsh rarebits, mini scones with ham and mini sausage pinches (like a posh sausage roll with less pastry). This cost me a staggering 33 ppoints! And that’s eating less than half. Of course, the nicest things were the ham scones which were also the pointiest. I find this depressing.
I do struggle not to want festive goodies. Well, in actual fact I DO want festive goodies but I struggle not to actually eat them. We have more canapés in the freezer in Suffolk for Friday night when I get there super late (my boss won’t let me leave an hour early which means that I won’t get there until 9.30pm because of gaps in the trains) and I’m already afraid of eating them. I’m also panicking about meeting a friend for supper tomorrow night – we’re going to Prezzo and they have low cal options, but who knows if they’re pp friendly? Not me. Not the eating out guide. But these are my only foreseeable pitfalls for next week. Saturday night: we’ve already bought venison to have with celeriac puree and veg (maybe red cabbage..) and a glass of wine would be nice.
Even more depressing is that, although I’m still within the rules, I reckon I won’t have lost any weight again this week. Some sneaky peeking leads me to this conclusion. I didn’t use all my bonus points last week and put on, remember. Watch this space tomorrow....
Friday, 19 November 2010
At least I have a pretty perfect day lined up for tomorrow. We’re going for a walk (as long as it’s not tipping it down with rain – forecast is fog. A bit iffy as it’s a riverside walk!), then to see the new Harry Potter film (long-suffering bf) and then out for dinner. Where it’s going to be pretty impossible to make WW friendly choices since I don’t know what they are. But it's to celebrate our pseudo-anniversary - 16 years since we met! I was a mere child, obviously. I'll let this anniversary date go once we're married and stick to that as the day of celebration but for now, I think it's something worth celebrating. I will be having a glass of champagne and 2 glasses of wine - I give you fair warning of this! Of course, I'd like half a bottle of each, but I am hoping for third time lucky with Scales of Severity on Tuesday.
But seriously, how can you make good choices and succeed on a diet when you don’t know (and have not been told) what those good choices are? It makes me feel very anxious. A trigger for sugar consumption of course!
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Sneakily I weighed myself after 3 days and had lost 1.5lbs, taking me to Tubby.6 3/4. Well, I thought, if I carry on like that, I'll get a pleasing loss on WI. I can cope with the uncertainty and the confusion and the upheaval if I get a good loss. This morning was WI: SoS tells me with disapassionate precision that I have put on 1lb. And not since the sneaky WI but over the week - so you could say since interim WI I have put on nearly 3lbs! HOW? WHY? I used my points but only half of my weekly bonus allocation, I used none of my exercise points, I ate fruit judiciously rather than like a crazy woman. I never eat bananas because they're foul so it's not even the fruit formerly known as pointy. I am not happy. I'm giving it a month and then... well, not quite sure actually but it will certainly involve sulking and even an adult temper trantrum. Scales of Severity may be re-christened as Scales of Doom II at this rate.
Chubby by Christmas is looking more and more like a pipe dream: I am currently Tubby.9. I wanted to be c.Chubby.10 to allow for a couple (ha!) of lbs on over Christmas. It's only about 5 weeks to go! I think Christmas 2010 will be spent as a Tubster.
Right, off for my dinner of lean ham and ratatouille. Sulk.
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
One thing I can see about WW II (hmm, just realised how that looks!) is that I am having fewer snacks – I’m having fruit instead. Given that my old favourite snack of 2 Ryvita crispbread (to be consumed with cream cheese) has gone from ½ point to a whopping 4 points (and that’s without the cream cheese). An inoffensive Ryvita! And – sheer lunacy this – a jaffa cake is only 1 point! Which would you rather have? A crispbread with the appearance and taste of plywood or 4 zesty chocolatey jaffa cakes? Admittedly the latter is not as good with cream cheese....
I may be hungrier but this lack of snack must be a good thing, right? My first day of the full week starts today so it will be interesting to see what I weigh in as next week. I don’t need to tell you, Reader, that all the pain, irritation, hunger and anxiety will be worth it for a good 2lb (+) drop.
On the fruit machine today:
· 4 satsumas
· 2 apples
· Handful blueberries
· Small bunch grapes
· Tub of mango
Is this where loads of money comes pouring out of the slot?
Monday, 8 November 2010
- handful of blueberries (in my porridge)
- 2 apples
- 3 satsumas
- 600g of watermelon
And today is not yet over - I'm either going to bake an apple (but would have to count the raisins and tsp of honey to stuff it with as 3 points and I only have 2 left) or have a pear. Technically I could do both. That's a lot of sugar - okay, fructose but sugar is sugar, no matter what. As I say, I am suspicious of this but I'll go with it for the time being. Whilst trying not to fill up on fruit.
My low fat cheddar and sweetcorn scones have gone up from 3.5points to 6 points. Shame as I made a batch yesterday! I had one with roasted butternut squash soup and a parma ham crisp. All very yummy.
The weekend - very nice but overly full of shortbread. For which of course I had to starve to come in on points (not in a ballet sense although that would be interesting)! And watch bf and his friend drink red wine - I really wanted a glass but I'd had that shortbread. We did a long blustery walk and saw some great fireworks - and the autumn colours were so beautiful, I was sad to come back to London. Next weekend I'm working so no Suffolk for me. Bf is trying to think of nice things we can do/eat to cheer me up. Sweet of him. Eating things to cheer myself up is a rocky road to go down though. And sadly that is not a road studded with chocolate chips and marshmallows - although it could easily be!
Friday, 5 November 2010
This weekend we’re off to Suffolk and bf’s sweet but slightly odd friend is coming tomorrow so that he can see the fireworks with us on Saturday night. We’re meeting him for brunch on Saturday morning (grilled bacon sarnie with mushrooms for me) and in the evening (post fireworks) we’re having hot dogs but with Ginger Pig sausages. Just one for me (sadly) and then a brownie (they’re having ice cream with theirs but not - alas - for me) – all pointed and correct. I’ll need a snack in between brunch and supper though but no inspiration there as yet. We’ll be doing a reasonable walk on Saturday too. No idea about Sunday and I’m too tired to either come up with a plan or worry that I don’t have one!
Hope your weekend is full of all the bangs and whizzes, oohs and ahs that your heart desires.
PS Sorry for getting you on to Big Purple Ones Seren; you will simultaneously thank and curse me.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
And then the new (very leaky) WW plan will be fully unveiled and that’s supposed to have a miraculous effect. Even though fruit is nil points. But not ‘free’. Oh no. You don’t count it if you eat it but it’s not free. I don’t quite get this.... But to be fair, I’m getting my information from rumour and PR material WW have released to the media (rather than telling its paying customers). I actually bought Bella and Best yesterday in a bid to discover what the flipping heck was going on, the latter of which made me feel slightly grubby – I won’t be swopping magazine allegiances from Red and She to Bella any time this side of hell freezing over. I even had to resort to the Daily Mail today (online, obviously) which makes me feel very furtive. So far, this new plan is all very confusing and unclear - and as an online WW member (rather than going to classes), it may never become less so since they’re not - to date - hot at explaining online. I actually feel tired just thinking of having to make all the mistakes and put all the time in to try and find what I can and can’t eat through trial and error. But I’m prepared to eat my words – assuming they’re no points of course! – if I do get this lauded effect of dropping a dress size by Christmas.
We had a nice weekend – got some walking in, including one on my own just to burn cals whilst bf was off having his wrist slapped for speeding (remedial driving course!). We did have a dinner out but I chose pretty carefully (I even left my chips. Okay, they weren’t that nice but I’d have eaten them just because they were chips in the past). We also went to an afternoon party where there was a delicious buffet – lots of mini nibbly cakes – but I still came (just) under points for the week. May have dipped a little into my exercise points but I still had points in the bank at the end of the week. Which I believe is the whole point (pardon the pun). Currently at any rate.
I do so hope that this new system will allow me to have my couple of squares of dark chocolate every day – what I really like about WW is that I can have these treats as long as I account for them AND save points so I can relax a bit at the weekend. It stops me rebelling. I even resist the Big Purple Ones if I don’t have enough points – as long as I have a point for a chocolate square (current favourite – Valrhona Manjari). And any day I have the requisite 3 points - I hit that Big Purple with extreme pleasure.
My resolve is going to be put sorely to the test over the next few weeks. We’re so short staffed at work that my team has pretty much been re-allocated across the office – leaving me to do the work of 3 people. Just the thought of that makes me want to panic and/or comfort eat industrial quantities of sugar. It’s so not the right time to be starting a new diet. And I don’t embrace change readily. But I do embrace getting slimmer and I love the thought (dubious as I am) of more pointless (literally) fruit. Bring on those pears, apples, satsumas, melon, lychees, pineapple...
Friday, 29 October 2010
Her (accusingly): “You look pale”
Me (in a 'well, durr' tone): “I always look pale”
Her (accusingly): “You look even paler than normal”
Me (defensively): “I’ve got blusher on”
Her: “If you don’t stop looking pale, I’m going to send you home”
As it was, the concern was soon forgotten in the usual maelstrom of the day. It was hard toughing it out – I didn’t even feel well enough to leave my desk for 5 mins over lunch. Ah well, I’m just glad to be feeling a bit better today – I don’t want it to ruin another weekend.
Especially since I have a long weekend in Suffolk coming up! Yes, we go tonight and don’t come home until Tuesday. A three day next week – hurrah! (Okay, I only did a two day week this week technically but it’s so annoying that you can never really enjoy sick leave because you’re, er, sick). Of course, the tricky thing is that dieting is always much, much more difficult when I don’t have access to the database of points and there are so many more opportunities for unregimented eating (both knowingly and unknowingly). I can only do the best I can do, right? I won’t be consulting New Scales (Scales of Optimism? Scales of Wisdom? Scales of Splendour? Well, I guess I have to give them more of a go before I choose their moniker. They could yet be SoD II) until Wednesday but I’d like to have lost a couple of lbs by then. Please.
In other (good) news, I got to see one of my best friends (and bridesmaid to be) at lunchtime today. She doesn’t live or work in London anymore and has a small child to keep her busy so I don’t see her as much as I’d like to. She was passing through London, rocking a pair of trousers that definitely channelled Katherine Hepburn. I guiltily negotiated a long lunch hour but the time still went too fast. I will see another one of my best friends tomorrow briefly too. Friends – the calorie-free treat.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
I blame my confusion on my health. I've caught some kind of nasty coldy bug which has left me pathetically weak and breathless, as well as the usual unholy trio of snot, sneeze and splutter. And that is the spoke. I don't think I'll be cycling this week. In fact, I've been home for the last two days, flopping about disconsolately and feeling guilty that I'm not at work. And making soup and membrillo (the jury's out on the latter as yet, Seren, as I've not had the nerve to try and get it out of the tin, and there's an absolute ton of it!). Today I will mostly be watching Jane Austen DVDs I think (not quite time for the whole of Pride and Prejudice so it will have to be Sense and Sensibility!).
The weekend was mostly spent feeling sorry for myself and flopping, pallidly, about. Beth came to dinner on Saturday night and I managed that - just about, though uncharacteristically quietly - as bf made the main course (one of my favourite comfort foots - meatballs and spaghetti with spicy tomato sauce) and I just did a squash salad as a starter and an apple and blackberry crumble as a dessert.
I went over my points by about 10 on Saturday but had enough in the bank to cater for this. In theory. I was still nervous on the WI this morning though and decided to blame any gains on a surfeit of mucus. As it was, I'd lost 3lbs! At this rate I'm going to have to come up with a new name for my new scales - they are not especially doom-like at the moment.
I am now Tubby.8 and 3/4. I'm kind of not counting the quarters as my numerically challenged head can't quite deal with it - I was Tubby.11 and 1/4 last week so does that mean I've lost a bit more or a bit less than 3lbs? I am discalculate and have terrible problems with numbers; the only maths I could ever do was algebra because it was all cosy, safe letters. Not useful for real life of course. I'm not going to tax my befuddled brain with it though - I'll only be looking at those quarters when I'm clinging on to the thought that something is coming off.
I don't know quite why I lost so much weight this week - that would represent a good week at LL! My specialist always said that I had severely depressed my metabolism on LL and that at some point it would recover - most people find it only takes 6 months but of course, I would have to be 'special'. I'm hoping that I have now busted out of that depressed phase - but of course, one week does not a trend make! It would be nice to get into the Chubbys before Christmas though....
Thursday, 21 October 2010
However, creeping around gathering clothes to wear in the dark of 6.30am is a perilous thing. Not wanting to wake bf, I got my stuff together to wear once I’d got in to the office and showered. Strangely, purple and chocolate look the same in the dark – yes, gentle Reader, I have a chocolate skirt, chocolate cardigan – and a purple vest top. Really this combo only works if you’re a chocolate bar. Trust me on this.
As predicted, I got overexcited in the Savoy last night and had not one but three cocktails. I went way over points yesterday – 6 over I reckon (hangs (sore) head in shame). The shameful points deficit is really what prompted me to heave myself reluctantly from my warm, cosy bed this morning. I hope to get my reward on Tuesday WI, rather than waiting for heaven.
And – the SoD is dead, long live the SoD. Yep, I replaced that evil bastard with a newer, sleeker, digital model. It even has special feet so that you can weigh on carpet which is MUCH more convenient. I weighed myself – obviously – whereas Former SoD made me Tubby.13, Current SoD makes me Tubby.11. And a quarter. So far I’m loving new SoD BUT I call it ‘current’ as it too is dispensable if it displeases me – it needs to be kept on its metaphorical toes. Under the bed, where it currently resides (along with biiiig dust bunnies)
Now I have to summon up the enthusiasm and energy to take me the 8.7 miles home tonight (by bike) in the dark (leaving here c6.20pm) and the cold. Most cyclists were in long leggings this morning (including me); my rough estimate is that about 5% were still in shorts. They were all men. Go figure as I believe our American brethren would say (ain't that right, American brethren?!)
Monday, 18 October 2010
I did eat too much sugar yesterday. I don't believe that has anything to do with my weight gain as the whole flipping point of WW is that you can eat your points any which way. But I had a 6.5 point sugar feast - a Chomp (2), a tube of Lovehearts (1.5) and a Big Purple One (3). This was partly as the soup I'd made for lunch came out as a paltry 1 point and I wanted to eat my full points. Still, I need to find more nutritious ways of making points on the rare occasion that I have a point mountain to munch through (I think this is the second time!). I won't be making that soup again anyway - roasted aubergine and chickpea (okay but not great). Tonight I'll be making chicken vegetable soup for the next three lunches (chicken, leek, carrot, celery, mushroom, sweetcorn and leftover chickpeas) - still low point but it needs to be more than 1.
I'm off to sulk somewhere less annoying for everyone else. Hope everyone else is having a better day!
I had a pretty virtuous weekend – only one walk of c4 miles but at least a third of that was at quite a lick and it’s better than nowt. And I kept within points, just about. So I’m relying on SoD to soften its attitude by tomorrow morning; it’s the morally right thing to do.
Excitingly we bought some quinces at the weekend - so I’m going to have a go at making membrillo. I rather doubt that will be on the WW calculator although you never know, pomegranate molasses was on there (but lots of really obvious stuff isn’t) - it's pretty sugary but it's not as if you eat much of it at the time. Of course it's nicest with hard cheese (far too pointy for reckless consumption) but ham too. I'm still fretting about the rumour that WW is going to make fruit point-free – I could eat a couple of lbs of fruit a day without noticing and fruit is basically sugar and water (a few vitamins but nothing like the benefits of vegetables).
Thanks for all the colour/fashion comments! It’s not that I actually want to flash my ring about, it’s just that I feel I’m somehow letting it down by not dressing to complement it. It's much more glamorous than its bearer! Utterly absurd of me. And sadly, I don’t have the money to chuck all my chocolate clothes away (I wear it like other people wear black) to reinvest in blues, greens and purples (not worn all together I would add - I'd look like a big bruise).
I have a few risky events up ahead this week: Wednesday there is a leaving do and then I’m meeting a friend for a cocktail (except we always buckle and have two) and then another leaving do on Friday. I’m not a big drinker so this shouldn’t be a big deal but I remain wary nonetheless. Saturday – we’re going to a friends for a simple lunch (she has 2 small children and so I’ve been firm that she doesn’t go to any effort – to be honest, I would have preferred to go out but couldn’t sell her on that). And I feel like I could sleep for a month – think my subconscious is pushing me to hibernate.
Friday, 15 October 2010
In fact I’m having a quandary over clothes generally at the moment. A lot of this is due to my extreme shallowness and bonkers capriciousness and I readily admit this. Ever since we got engaged, my tastes in clothes have sort of changed. No, not in a wifey demure twinset and pearls sort of way, but because I am so in love with my ring (and bf of course) that everything kind of revolves around that. I know, I know, it’s absurd. My ring’s main stone is a sapphire – a particularly beautiful one, being not just navy (which is a bit dull in jewellery I think) but a blue somewhere in between navy and cobalt, a really vivid Mediterranean blue. And most of my wardrobe – for winter especially – is chocolate brown and olive green (with brief flashes of burnt orange and cream). Bear in mind I’m a very pale-skinned redhead – no black for me, I look like a Duracell battery in black and extremely washed-out to boot. But these autumnal shades don’t really show my ring off to its best advantage – I find that nowadays I would prefer to wear dark blues, purples and teals as a result. It’s an absurd conundrum I know. (Actually, today I have a denim skirt on that buttons all the way down the front and it keeps unbuttoning which is a) indecent and b) annoying. It does go with my ring though!)
And - an aside - I am unreasonably irritated by the Plusnet advert. I have to wait, facing it to cross on to a bit of cycle path on my commute. "We won't be beat on price" it proclaims. Is this some sort of play on words that is lost on me or are they in fact entirely ignorant of all the rules of grammar? Why would you display your ignorance in big letters on billboards around the country? Why? It bothers me.
So, bf is also currently on a diet. A bit of an odd one in my opinion (which he doesn’t want!). He has a big bowl of porridge for breakfast - and then just drinks masses of water all day until having an evening meal. I tried to say that his metabolism would actually be boosted by him having something healthy for lunch but I’m not exactly the poster girl for dieting success, despite a great deal of experience! It’s very difficult to bite my tongue and let him get on with this but I keep telling myself that’s exactly what he’s done for me so I just need to bite down on that tongue! What’s annoying is that he’ll probably do really well and lose weight at a spectacular rate.
Let’s hope SoD comes round by Tuesday – perhaps it’s sulking at my fraternising with another set of scales? Have a good weekend everyone.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Although actually, I dared (and remembered) an SoD encounter this morning and either I have put on 1lb in 2 days of exemplary behaviour or my mum’s SoD are much kinder (if no less eccentric). I’m opting for the latter as the least objectionable explanation. I have managed to change my entry in the WW log as it would be too depressing to artificially put on on Tuesday.
I did sort of manage to walk in today – by the time I’d hauled myself out of bed to discover that bf had not emptied the dishwasher and therefore I’d have to do it, I was running a bit late for a 2.75 mile walk part of the way in. My all-or-nothing mentality (and I know Ish at least knows what I’m talking about!) told me to just go straight in to work but I quelled it and got off two stops early rather than three so still got in a 1.5 mile walk – every little helps, right?
Finally, have been mulling over Ishmael’s comments on my literary (ahem!) re naming of my stone brackets. I think I have been too kind to myself. I think calling myself Chubby is like Lindsay Lohan saying she occasionally has the odd drink. Technically true but airbrushed to the point of being indecipherable. I think Ish’s category of hefty would work rather well for where I am now but in case she's trademarked it, I think I may amend my stone brackets as follows:
1. Fattest (where I started LL)
4. Tubby (I’m currently Tubby.12)
5. Chubby (Chubby.8-ish is the lowest weight I’ve ever achieved)
7. Curvy (My designated WW goal is Curvy.6 but I’d love to hit slim. Even Slim.13)
8. Slim (I was last here at the age of 16-17. When I starved myself)
I think Tubby is a better description – you could use harsher words that would be equally applicable, maybe even more accurate, I wouldn’t argue with any of them but I think I’ll stick with Tubby, thanks very much. At least until I can more honorably call myself Chubby.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
But! I did it. And I wasn’t too disastrously slow either. Not nippy either, mind you – about 10 people passed me on a hill (well, I say hill - but I don’t think it would even register as such with Lesley (I’ve seen her hills!)). Luckily I don’t have the gene that requires me to try and engage everyone in a race (not being a bloke with a small penis).
I was so focussed on not chickening out of cycling this morning that I completely forgot to consult SoD. So I’ve had to enter in my weight in the WW online gizmo with the reading from my mum’s SoD (Chubby.11). My fear is that my mum’s SoD is more benevolent (if no less capricious) and next week I might have a nasty shock (no loss or even – gulp – a gain (albeit an artificial one)). I am trying to steel myself against that prospect to face it with zen-like calm. No, I don't believe it's possible either.
Tomorrow and Friday I’m going to try and haul myself out of bed in time to get off the tube and walk the last 2 miles in to work. In painful boots, if you please! And the damp weather trashes my hair. I better get some payback for that heroism. And I may be able to squeeze a little walk in on either Saturday afternoon, post lunch, or Sunday morning, weather, time and bf willing.
Next weeks exercise aim – cycle twice.
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Last night I had my hair cut, which requires me staying overnight with my mother. So this morning I thought I’d hop onto her SoD. Her’s are the high tech variety and they’re not impressed with a numpty like me. You have to tap them to wake them (well, it was 7am I suppose), but I had to thump it in a variety of places before I found the exact spot where they deigned to acknowledge my existence. Then it takes its time in telling you your weight – up a bit, down a bit, up a bit and.... there (it’s always up a bit before you get to there, isn’t it?!). And it had no truck with my jumping on and off again. It simply wouldn’t give me a second reading – it was clear that it was saying ‘I’ve told you once, now go away’. It made me Chubby.11 which I think is more generous than my own scaley nemesis is likely to be. Tomorrow will tell. Gulp.
And by some evil quirk of fate, The Big Purple One is back in the shops for Christmas. In October, obviously, as that is, after all, traditionally the start of the festive season. For those that haven’t encountered it, The Big Purple One is a chocolate of almost sublime loveliness – a c2” creamy chocolate elipse with runny, gloopy caramel and a couple of whole hazelnuts in it. 3 points. Sigh. Of course, I’ve had one already. I can only buy one at a time or I would lose what scant self-control I possess and scarf the lot down (yes, I’ve eaten 3 in a row – I did feel a bit sick but also very, very happy). They’re unfeasibly delicious and – I fear – a rare treat. Or perhaps I should fear that they’re a frequent treat since that wouldn’t get me towards Voluptuous.
So, I came in under points over the weekend – I don’t think I even dipped into my exercise points. I had saved enough for the rather lack-lustre lunch on Sunday by having a very low point breakfast and supper and using the few bonus points I’d saved during the week. I’m still struggling to save my 4 points a day during the week for the weekend – I’m just too hungry. And The Big Purple One won’t help with the point saving of course!
Looking ahead, I’m out tonight with a friend for supper tonight – a Pizza Express Leggera which, at 8 points, is more than I’d usually spend on dinner but even with BPO, I’ll come in on points for the day (with none banked mind you). Then we’re out for lunch with friends on Saturday in Suffolk. The pub we’re going to doesn’t have a menu online for me to plan from either. But I’ve warned bf that I’ll only want a v light supper that night so fingers crossed for managing that day. The only other obstacle is the usual very late supper on Friday which always happens when we go up to Suffolk – it’s hanging on that long for food, I find it a killer. As my boss is away, I managed to get permission to leave work an hour earlier which means getting supper at c8pm (as opposed to the usual 10pm) – small victories.
And I need to get back on my bike – to ease my ailing finances and to burn some lard. The weather is undecided about tomorrow and so am I.
Saturday, 9 October 2010
And I'm confined to barracks this weekend as I'm working from Saturday am to Sunday am - no long Suffolk walks for us this weekend! So I tried to get some walking built into my day at the end of last week: I met up with bf and walked a couple of miles en route home on Thursday, despite the fact that my (apparently comfortable looking flat riding) boots kill me (thanks Duo) and I was hobbling by the time I got home. Then yesterday I got off the tube early and walked a couple of miles in (still with sore feet but safely in Converse - bless dress down Friday!), buying Ginger Pig sausage rolls for a couple of work pals en route, not a crumb of which touched my lips. And not because they went straight down my gullet either! People were wide-eyed about their magnificence (if you've not had a Ginger Pig sausage roll, you've never had a good one) to the extent that they crumbled and did a lunchtime run to buy more (mostly for people who didn't get one first time round and felt cheated, but not completely...! Yes, I'm looking at YOU, 2 sausage-rolls-M!)
Despite an unusually hectic and stressful few days I have stuck doggedly to my points. The only problem is that I am still really hungry and have been unable to have 18 points and bank 4 each day; I usually only manage to save a point here and there. I couldn't help sneaking on SoD this morning though and I am Chubby.13. Great news to be in the Chubbys - now I have to fix my eyes firmly on the Voluptuous stone bracket. I've only ever got as low as Voluptuous.8-10 but it was at that point that I started to feel a bit better about myself. And low Chubbys would mean I could fit back into my favourite jacket (hurrah). Wishing my life away as ever!
So I worry about the fact that we are meeting friends for lunch tomorrow. I do find juggling dieting with having a life really difficult. I'll have a (very) few spare points, won't be drinking and will make most sensible choices but I don't want to get back on SoD on official WI day (Tuesday) and find that I've catapulted back to the Fat stone bracket. I've looked at the menu online and it's basically a roast - it's the pudding that worries me most (and I know that I won't be strong enough not to have one). Ah well, I'll just have to do my best up to, around and after and hope for the best. Actually I can't WI on Tuesday morning as I'm at my mum's so that anxious encounter is postponed for Wednesday.
I must try and cycle once next week. Think - looking at my diary - that that's the most I will be able to manage but it would be a psychological bump start. I can do either Wednesday or Thursday I think but Wednesday would be better. I just need the weather to co-operate.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Actually, I'm sure that some plodding might have helped with my divesting of podge; we did a 10 mile walk on Saturday. We didn't exactly mean to, but a couple of short planned diversions (one for lunch! (Which included my first pickled egg (by mistake) which sounds plain wrong but was actually rather nice)) and a longer unplanned diversion - all of which bumped up an 8 1/2 miler to a 10. And it was quite a tough walk - for flat Suffolk - the walking was very rough underfoot and had long grass (you have to lift your feet quite high - especially if you're 5'4") and many, many stiles set for people with longer legs than I. And I jumped quite high when I nearly trod on a snake. It turned out to be a big slow worm but really - 18" of black slither with a white collar, what would you think (assuming David Attenborough isn't reading. And if you are, could you please adopt me? I think you'd be an ace dad)?
I need to blast through Chubby to fit into my favourite jacket - the most expensive thing I own and something that will only fit in the lower eschelons of Chubby. And that thinking is part and parcel of my resolve to get to a size 12 for the wedding. Well, a year or so before the wedding ideally. Because I can't - I just can't - bear to spend £1000 on a dress I'll wear once. Of course, this is a modest sum for a wedding dress. And if I have to, I will (and sell afterwards) but there's a shop in a small town near my mum's village which sells good designer wedding dresses second hand - and does all the alterations - in an experience which sounds like a regular wedding dress shop. I'd so much rather do that. But of course everyone slims for their wedding and the vast majority of the dresses are size 10s and 12s. So that's my goal - look for one of those first and only shell out absurd money if I have to.
Which is why I'm currently making batches of low point soup, with resolution. Hopefully when WW changes their system - rumour has it it's imminent - vegetables aren't suddenly gazillions of points a la salmon. Apparently (according to rumour and speculation) the new points will be based on calories, total fat and fibre, not calories and saturated fat as they are now. And I'm just getting to grips with this...
Friday, 1 October 2010
I am plodding on with WW, hoping to woo SoD into a good result on Tuesday. Especially given my outrage that I put on weight whilst having dysentery for two and a half weeks. Oh, did I mention that already?
This weekend we are off to Suffolk and are hoping to do a good walk tomorrow and maybe a smaller one on Sunday – but all this is weather dependent and the rain is currently lashing down in a dismal way.
And my plans for WW saintliness were foiled this lunchtime when I went to buy a Crussh ginger chicken miso soup (3 points), absolutely light-headed and sweaty with hunger, to discover they’d run out. So I had to have an Eat Prawn Tom Yum (4.5points): I needed those points!
How’s a girl to burn lard when the gods of fate are seemingly against her?
As it is, I am in enormous fear as we’re eating once we get up to Suffolk tonight at c10-10.30pm and I don’t know how I’m going to go that long without eating. Have bought carrots, tomatoes and sugar snaps to munch in the car – but I think we all know that that is not going to fill me up. I’m eating enough carrots at the moment in an attempt to fill myself up that I ought to have x-ray vision, not just night-sight.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
2. When your bras bite you in the side of your bosom
3. When the skirt that was almost too big to wear 2 years ago is now rather snug
4. When Scales of Doom smirk when you get them out – and then tell you you’ve put on all the weight you have lost to date on WW.
So all is doom and gloom chez Peridot. 9lbs seems a bit steep (given the dysentry and all) and yet I am unsurprised- experience has taught me that I put on a LOT when eating off-piste. Today I am back on the WW wagon and I’m kind of hoping that this week will see a good loss before going back to slow and steady. And I’m hungry. Grrrr.
To put this in context, I am coming up with some alternatively named stone brackets as I am not keen to write down, share or even possibly acknowledge my actual weight:
1. Fattest (where I started LL)
5. Voluptuous (Voluptuous.7 is the lowest weight I’ve ever achieved)
Reader, we need go no further with this since I’m aiming for the lower echelons of Generous - in my wildest dreams! Currently I am Fat.5. Before I went away I was Chubby.10.
It does all seem a bit of an ineffectual process – if I’m lucky, I could lose just over a stone by Christmas and I fear I could then put that on again over Christmas. I fear the net result being – zilch. As I have royally proven over the last 3 weeks. Still, the only real option is to keep going –and going I will, er, go. Wish me luck, comrades of the anti-flabber.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
So, I'm back from my S themed holiday (that's Syria and Suffolk for the more dirty minded!). And actually there's another S that's the reason I'm typing this from home - that word is sh!t. (I'm so demure I can't even write it!). Yes, today is the 17th day of having diarrhoea. We pretty much all got the bug in Syria but I brought it back as a souvenir and added some delightful extra features such as constant stomach pain, ripping stomach pain when I need the loo and - look away now if you're squeamish - excretion of blood and mucus. So I went to the doctor yesterday (always a gargantuan task) and have been given enormous tablets to take, told to stay off work until at least Monday and told that I had to fast for 24 hours. He relented slightly at my look of horror and told me I could have juice and clear soup. My horror was caused (mostly) by a side effect of this bug which is to make me utterly ravenous. Seriously. I woke up yesterday morning at 4.30am to use the loo and couldn't get back to sleep as I was so hungry. Reader, I have managed it. Just. Yesterday I had a whole carton of V8, another of orange and peach juice, a Pepsi Max, a Diet Lilt and some homemade chicken soup a la Jewish penicillin. And 2 ice lollies - frozen drink, right? My stomach growled alarmingly all day - my mother says this is the bugs wanting food which makes me think of alien, eeek!
Today I think I am a little better - my stomach pain has subsided and my loo trips are less frequent! Although always accompanied with the pleasure that I'm no longer suspended awkwardly above a squat loo with my legs travelling rapidly away from me (and each other) on a wet floor, like Bambi on ice but less cute. And smellier. The loos were not the highlight of Syria - but that is as it should be! Actually it was a wonderful trip - we were in a small group of 8 and everyone was nice (except the lechy, stinky guide and he didn't lech over me). Highlights would be watching the sunset turn the desert Roman ruins of Palmyra rosy pink, gently removing a baby camel from nibbling my scarf and shirt whilst bf caught it on camera (we had to pay of course!) and a small Bedouin girl retying my headscarf for me, incredulous at the mess I'd made of it (she wanted money too). Actually, all that was at Palmyra and whilst it was my favourite place, Damascus and Aleppo were fascinating cities and Saladdin's castle was incredibly atmospheric - in fact there was only one duff day out of 9: we had climbed a horrifying and sweaty 340 steps up to a monastery with overnight packs (and then another c200 up to our rooms - twice, once in the pitch black) only to give up on ever getting anything to eat at 10pm as their religious services, conducted outside and in the dark, continued. Then we shared a muesli bar and some nuts in lieu of dinner on our thin mattresses on a dusty floor before trying unsuccessfully to sleep (no washing facilities and another 35 steps to the loo). It was uncomfortable, dull and mucky. Still, the rest of it was great, the group were great and we saw LOTS - we were on the go the whole time.
I have come home even more pallid than usual - swathed as I was in material the whole time, and with no access to fake tan to take the edge of my neon legs. Men are Weird, Part 2: on the first day, with me sporting an outfit which consisted of an ankle length skirt and long kaftan style shirt, bf said admiringly "You look great!" and proceeded to comment similarly for the next 3 days until the effect wore off ("But you don't look this smart for work"). Who would have thought that this outfit would appeal to him more than my usual knee length skirt and fitted, scoop neck top? Baffling. I think it may be that he likes shirts and now I've got so many of the flipping things (thanks, ebay) I may wear them - but with jeans, really just too voluminous to wear with a skirt. And if I can be bothered to enslave myself to an iron of course. One temperamental piece of equipment holding dominion over me is enough (yes, Scales of Doom, I'm looking at you. But I'm not getting on you yet, oh no. You stay away until Tuesday)
Actually, there's clearly something to be said for this look. One night our driver - a lovely man - turned to bf and said, shyly that I "look like flower" (to say to directly to me would be disrespectful). Thinking about it now, it would make more sense that I look like FLOUR, given my ghostly whiteness. But the Arabic for flower is Jumilla and it stuck a bit as a nickname. I'd keep it but don't want to misrepresent myself as a coltish young R&B starlet (which is what the name sounds like to me!)
Then Suffolk for 6 days. We did 2 x 9 mile walks and 2 x c4 mile walks. But I ate. A lot. (See bug effect above. And possibly greed). I ate a lot of chocolate, wine, cake and pudding. My clothes - whilst still fitting - feel tight. I'm hoping some of this is due to swollen stomach from the bug but... In Syria, I ate very healthily (apart from, uh, getting sick) but there was a lot of food. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm so over mezze. For now. But no puddings - just fruit. Although one of our party was visibly staggered at the amount of watermelon I can eat when I fancy it. I think it was the salad that made me ill. I'll leave that thought with you as a cautionery tale...!
We also had a lovely meal for bf's birthday in Suffolk. With expensive and delicious wine. We had been for a walk that day that we had had to cut short as the paths we wanted to take were shut! As we retraced our steps along the beach, he was taking arty photos, "We're getting married" he exclaimed in tones of amazement and - it has to be said - joy. "I should hope so" I laughed "You made me a promise". "You're wearing my promise" he said, kissing me. Ahhhhh.
Friday, 3 September 2010
I’ve started reading this book called “Feeling Good Together” by Dr David Burns (wasn’t he in Talking Heads? No matter...). One of the first things that jumped out at me was that lack of self-esteem is one of the biggest problems in a relationship. Gulp. But the premise of the book is that you can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself and in doing so, the chances are that the dynamic of the relationship will change. I really believe that. Although I fit absolutely into the Submissive category and they take all blame on themselves far too eagerly anyway. Guilty as charged. Ouch, it's all a bit skin flaying, admitting to your flaws. I don’t suppose that a book will change my life, but I am going to try and use some of their techniques – I recognise a lot of my faults, like not listening properly because I’m panicking and trying to think what to say. I absolutely hate reading these type of books if they don’t strike a chord – they can be cheesy to downright nonsense (I started reading one a month or so ago which was like sitting with someone very drunk making the same point over and over again with increasing fervour and equally decreasing lucidity) but even if I pick up a few tips and make a few improvements, then it’s worth £8 or whatever I paid for it. New, improved Peridot – with backbone – coming this way soon. Actually, if I weigh heavier, it’s probably going to be that backbone...Honest.
See you all post holiday – I am looking forward to many things (the archaeology, the different places, sounds, sights, tastes etc), not least of which includes spending time with bf doing things that we enjoy and most people don’t! I mean traipsing around dusty stones in far-flung places... I know I’ve said it before, but I feel so lucky that we enjoy the same sort of things. AND it’s going to be a great opportunity to be the new improved Peridot as I do get a bit wussy in unfamiliar places – there will be a lot of those as we’re mostly moving every day.
Back in 2 1/2 weeks....
PS Thanks Clare for your long comment - v helpful and definitely chimed a chord with what I'd been thinking.
I'm trying to keep a grip on reality. Firstly, I don't think he would be interested enough to look for my blog. Secondly - and most importantly - I think if he did find it (somehow) he'd be too honorable to read it.
But it did make me think that I can be horribly partisan in what I write and for the record, I suspect strongly that I am very annoying and frustrating to live with. My cringe-inducing need to please everyone all the time is a real character flaw - I know bf has said it doesn't feel like an equal relationship but more like parent/child sometimes and I know he finds that really frustrating. I really need to work on my own attitude and behaviour and stop moaning about his so much. For the record, he's strong, funny and clever and I love him very much - his absolute good sense and practical nature does balance my complete lack of these things too!
Thursday, 2 September 2010
So, a quick resume of the birthday weekend:
We went to Brown’s for high tea with our 3 parents – it was fine, the tea was lovely and the service exemplary but always a bit of a strain keeping conversation going with that particular cast – but that’s families for you, right? Talking of strain, my dress looked nice but really was just an eensy fraction too tight (and that’s before cake) – fine to stand up in but not comfortable to sit on the sofa and eat in. I held myself so rigidly in fear that I would pop my button that I gave myself back ache. But despite all this, still managed to fit a few cakes in – yum.
Then the part of the weekend with bf and my mum at the tinhut. Oh dear. I tried so hard to keep them both happy that I just succeeded in making myself unhappy – and I didn’t achieve making them happy either. Bf can be terse and say some skin-flaying things and he does tend to be worse with my mum (who he sees as a bit of a moaner). She does tend to try and monopolise me and cuts him out (inadvertently or otherwise, I’m not sure). I just want them both to be happy and – just for this weekend – I wanted them both to want ME to be happy as their primary consideration. It culminated in bf’s comment of “Don’t forget we have to be back for our guests” on Sunday – talking about timescales for the day – causing my mother great offence as she decided she was being pushed aside (she was going home that day). She then told me that she’d not wanted to come anyway and wouldn’t again – further that she wouldn’t be spending time with me and bf again, just the 3 of us. I felt upset and sick about it for the rest of the time away and had to hide it from bf. Then bf was super-tetchy and grumpy on Sunday and Tuesday – on Tuesday I got torn off several strips over 1) breaking a wineglass, 2) not offering to drive in the correct way, 3) not telling him that I wanted him to come and collect the takeaway with me but hoping he’d volunteer and 4) telling my mum that one of the dogs threw up in the tinhut. I don’t know why he thinks having a rant at me in the manner of an adult addressing a small and stupid child helps. He’s still being fairly off-ish which means I have to work hard to be all cheery and bubbly to coax him out of it which is exhausting.
This is why being 40 sucks.
On the food front, hmm mixed success, I think; I haven’t gone mad but haven’t been especially moderate either (moderate to mad?!). I have chucked some stuff away which I always find hard – for example, had a couple of chips with my gourmet burger in a pub and decided they actually weren’t that great and didn’t bother finishing them and some crisps (only after I’d eaten 5/6 of the packet in disbelief that I didn’t really like them – this is more of a psychological triumph than an actual one). There was only one instance when I finished a pudding which actually wasn’t worth it (on my actual birthday) – I love this restaurant but their puddings are never actually that great. This one had a birthday candle in which somehow compelled me to eat it. Yep, not sure why that makes a difference! I also did 2 longer walks, a short one and cycled yesterday. On the negative side, I have eaten past the point of satiety on several occasions – actually most days now I come to think about it and I dare not get on the scales. I’m trying to get back on track but not really achieving it thus far. Reading this back, I don’t think this is mixed success at all – more like failure, just not quite of the abject variety.
So now I’m even more determined that at least the overeating must stop, even if the pointing up doesn’t happen until I’m back in the working world on 22nd September. And on holiday I’m determined that I can eat well and enjoy the – pretty healthy - food but not go mad. I’m feeling down enough that I want to eat – but I know that it will make me feel worse (physically AND psychologically). It ought to be a no-brainer.... Perhaps I have no brain? It would explain a lot!
Thursday, 26 August 2010
So, I had 2 pieces at work yesterday and went to a posh, cheap lunch menu Chinese with 2 friends yesterday (veg dim sum and a small portion (of yes, non-diet) sweet and sour chicken with rice). I also had half a dozen Celebrations – and then I felt awful. So awful I can’t tell you. So full and rather sick and so, so tired and apathetic that I could barely sit upright at my desk. I don’t think that my body responds terribly well to sugar overload – and I assume that’s what it was. I went home and still couldn’t eat, I felt so sick. I finally had some melon and parma ham at 9pm to try and balance my blood sugar levels for today.
But. I am SUCH a freak. All the time I was feeling so sick and so awful, my mind was busily seeking things I could eat - to make myself feel better. Now I knew that nothing was going to make me feel better and that any food was in fact likely to make me feel worse if anything. But I still had an almost overwhelming urge to eat my way out of it. I really can’t think of many things that are more stupid and more self-sabotaging than that. As it is, I’ve been working really hard to keep a lid on food this week – that a few treats don’t mean I have to abandon the diet entirely. Again, my mind is trying to reject usual choices for meals, wondering what naughties I could have instead, for the sake of it, just because I’ve had a couple of off-diet choices during the day. I am crazy, seriously I'm worried about my twistedness. And I'm absurdly all-or-nothing. Well, I’m not giving in to it - it's been usual meals pretty much, thank you. And I really need to work out what I can do about the eating-my-way-out-of-sickness lunacy too. Okay, I didn’t give in to it but it’s still freaking me out that my mind can (and does) work like that.
I did have a salutary lesson over lunch with my friends yesterday. I’ve quietly been feeling a bit sorry for myself about turning 40. Stupid, I know. Well, now I am ashamed of it. I used to work with these 2 girls and we have since all gone different ways. They told me about someone who joined my old team – who they were friends with - who was diagnosed with cancer at Easter. She died at the beginning of this month. She was 27 and they're going to her funeral next week. At least I get to see my 40th birthday (and hopefully a great many more); life can be fragile, it’s precious and we should enjoy every moment - not everyone is that lucky.
Happy bank holiday weekend everyone - enjoy every minute. See you on the other side of the big 4-0.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Looking back on the week: Hiccup no1 was the Reversey Pig incident (although I managed this within points), then, after a frankly stellar Saturday (and despite my greed gremlin whispering all kinds of enticements in my ear about bf being away and all the food I could eat) and a pretty good Sunday, when we got to our local Indian I hit hiccup no 2. We’d gone because this month they do a barbecue of fish from Billingsgate – it’s fantastic, so fresh and yummy. And point-friendly. But they weren’t doing it on Sunday. So I did my usual of not ordering what I’d like, but what seemed the lowest cal/fat option. So, not onion bhaji and butter chicken with naan for me, no, it was lentil pancake stuffed with veg (lovely actually) and seabass cooked in the tandoor. Unfortunately the fish did come with some sauce and a couple of potatoes and I fear what that might have added to the pointiness (esp the gloopy sauce). I had a nibble of bf’s naan (I SO love naan) and literally 1 forkful of rice and felt rather sorry for myself. Never mind, I told myself, think of the encounter with SoD, think of getting down to the next half stone waymark (weighmark?!), think of the treats that are to come which you don’t need to compound at this stage. Pah, we know how that turned out. And hiccup no 3 happened last night; Beth and I went for a pre-birthday cocktail. Beth looked very expensive (which was a prediction as it turned out!) and although I’d dressed up for me, I, er, didn’t. Which was also a prediction as it turned out... So, Beth bought the first round and then, my head turned by the alcohol and the general swankiness of our surroundings, I joyfully suggested trying the other bar out for a second. The bill – just for 2 drinks – was £30! I swallowed, womanfully, but some of my joie de vivre fled, shrieking into the night. At least it sobered me up a bit! I also ate so many of the free nibbles that came with the drinks that I wasn’t actually hungry when we left. Beth, curse her iron resolve, didn’t so much as nibble a single parmesan rosemary biscuit or bloody mary flavoured popcorn. So then we went for dinner – remember, by now I’d eaten the equivalent of dinner in nibbles and I really didn’t need anything. So of course I had 7 plates from the Yo Sushi conveyor belt; at least 4 of them were fried things to boot. I actually felt really ill afterwards from the sheer volume of scoffing and only felt better this morning when I had digested it all – I still felt awful when I went to sleep last night. So that, my friends, is why I put on a 1lb.
I’m actually avoiding going on the WW website as I don’t want to confess I put on weight – how ridiculous is that?
This morning I cycled. I regretted it quite quickly – it’s always such a struggle (both physically and mentally) when I’ve not cycled for a while but I know it was the right thing to do. The thing is, I know I’ll only manage one cycle ride next week too so it’s not going to get any easier any time soon. It would have been sooo easy to just get the tube – it’s funny how when I don’t cycle, it seems a big deal to, whereas when I’m cycling regularly it doesn’t seem such a big deal at all. And today there was a stiff cross wind to deal with too. It better burn some of those calories.
And I tried on a dress last night that I’d like to wear to Browns on Thursday for tea– I actually bought it to wear to V’s wedding last year and it was just too tight (despite being a 16 – these labels, they are there to torment and depress us). Well although it could be fractionally looser to feel more reassuring, it now fits really well and it’s a lovely dress. Hope it still fits after unending scones and cake and I don’t burst the one button that holds it together at the waist! I did try it on post last night’s blow out so I’m hoping that that means the button will contain the cake orgy that will be Thursday.
And.... (and this is an odd one).... I bought a belt from M&S to go with the dress I wore last night. I’ve not actually worn dresses for the longest time so it’s all a bit odd, incidentally. I needed a narrow, navy belt to go with 2 dresses that Beth had given me and eventually found one in M&S. I saw with some fear that they didn’t do it in XL so I furtively tried on the L: too big. How odd. So then I tried the M on – it was fine but I had to do it up on the penultimate hole and I’m still hoping to lose more weight. So, after a quick check that no-one was watching with with scorn and derision, I tried on the S. It fitted. Okay, I’m only on the 2nd hole but it fits nonetheless. I bought it with some bemusement that hasn’t faded in the week since that purchase. I can only assume it’s meant to be a belt for slinging round the hips: I have a small waist true but for a size 16, not small per se. I’m hoping it’s not supposed to be one of those belts which goes around the waist twice...
Friday, 20 August 2010
It was a whole packet of M&S Reversey Percy Pigs what done me in, guv'nor. 8 points squandered on gelatine and flavourings. They were delicious apart from the taste of guilt which accompanied them. Guilt spiked with rebellion. Sigh.
The cheesy bread cravings have abated somewhat but I still want to eat everything in sight. Today I'm mostly fixated on a Starbucks Rocky Road now – this is something I’ve denied myself for a year but have promised myself a piece of in the great birthday calorie fest.
Speaking of which, I need to go back to Legally Brunette – first of all welcome and congratulations on your engagement. It’s very nice that I’ve inspired anyone to diet, given my dismal performance at it! You’ve got to be better at this than me! Also, on the coming off the diet thing – yes, I know it sounds bad and I know it would be more sensible not to but I also know that to try to not have a nice meal or birthday cake or champagne over my birthday (especially since it’s my big 4-0) would be wretched. And impossible! I’m not going to go mad and I am going to be mindful of where I’ve come from and what I’m attempting but I am going to have a sensibly hedonistic (if that’s not an oxymoron) weekend. The same for the holiday really. Middle Eastern food is pretty healthy and I’m certainly not going out there with the intent of eating like a mad woman, but I have to accept that I can’t control what I eat all the time or point it. What I can do is choose the healthier options (NB this is for holiday, not birthday!) and try to be moderate and sensible. Yes, those words do exist in my vocabulary – now’s the time to see if I can prove I know what they mean!
(And welcome back Lainey – long time, no hear! I was locked out of your blog (!) so I don’t know your news; hope all is well north of t'border)
Thursday, 19 August 2010
I’m managing to just about keep to points – I haven’t had anything cheesy or bready but I’m eating too many sweets. Yes, I’m aware that this makes no sense at all. I think I just want to eat everything and anything (but crave cheesy bread most). If I ate that, I think the floodgates would open and I’d eat everything I fancied.
Apart from a cocktail sized blip coming up, there is no reason why I shouldn’t complete this week in good order (and one little cocktail – unpointable as it is – shouldn’t really cause too much trouble). Bf is away this weekend with his parents – I can’t go because I have to work on Sunday. This means I can have a really frugal Saturday – well, weekend really. We may go out on Sunday night when he’s back– we have a restaurant near us which BBQs fish in August every year and we haven’t been yet this year– or I’ll cook, but either way, this weekend has the potential for extreme virtue: no restaurants (ignore the above as there’s no pudding peril there or lardy luring choices), no booze and no spontaneous choices that have to be made (always a downfall for me). No trying to fit in and eat with bf rather than being a permanently-on-a-diet misery. It ought to spell a good result on the SoD on Tuesday....
I know that from next Wednesday I will be starting to eat off-piste and off-points – and that that will continue for the best part of a week. And then I have 4 days before I’m off on holiday. (Getting back on points for 4 days will be a challenge but one that seems too far ahead to worry about at the moment)
Now, I’m planning some birthday treats but I’m not planning on using it as an excuse to eat everything I’ve fancied, could feasibly fancy or may fancy at some point in the future. No, I won’t be pointing and yes, I will be choosing to eat what I’d like rather than the lowest calorie option on the menu, but it’s not an excuse to go crazy. And food in Syria looks pretty healthy and it’s going to be an active holiday (except the bit when we go to Suffolk for 6 days to recover after Syria – although I bet we’ll do plenty of walking then too). So there’s no reason to feel this doom, is there? You know, the doom where the 10lbs I’ve painfully and painstakingly lost over the last 6 weeks goes straight back on - with a few little lardy friends to join it. Is there? Just because that’s what’s always happened in the past? Just because the weight goes on so frighteningly, terrifyingly easily? It’s enough to make me want to panic eat, frankly.
It’s enough for that self-destructive gremlin in my head to encourage me to start eating madly now – I may as well, I’ve only got a few days before I come off the diet, after all, it whispers seductively. I’m keeping a lid on it – for now – with a great deal of mental effort. It’s pretty much constant at the moment, the feeling of wanting to eat is there all the time. And I’m not banking many points. I’m pretty much hitting my allocation every day. And even that’s a struggle that I don't feel equal to.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
So, Linz's first. Apparently I have to share seven things about yourself:
1) I am a bit of a grammar nazi and have to be dragged away from correcting apostrophes in signs. In fact, just thinking about it makes me cross and itch for a black marker pen.
2) I once wrote a whole book (chick lit froth) which I had some great comments about, including an agent who wanted me to to some work on it, password protected it on a disc and forgot the password. I don't think the Orange Prize is any the worse off for this.
3) I wanted to be a dancer - until I snapped a ligament in my ankle. Actually, I still wanted to be a dancer then, but it was explained to me that I'd be cripped by 30. At the time I thought you were practically dead by 30 anyway. Gulp.
4) I can touch my nose with my tongue. And the base of my chin. Although not at the same time.
5) I read all the time. Bf thinks it's weird that I read while I clean my teeth - but cleaning my teeth is boring, I need distraction.
6) I hate mint flavoured things (another reason to read whilst cleaning my teeth). And the colour pink. Especially baby pink.
7) I almost had a career as a child model except at my first TV audition (for toothpaste) I refused to smile. At all. Or even open my mouth. Clearly I peaked early in the looks department but the stubborness? It's still there.
And Claire @ Lose to Gain.... I have to blog about one thing I'm happy about right now and one thing that I'm hoping for in the future.
Now - I'm really looking forward to my holiday (odd clothes aside) and clambering all over another load of ruins, yay! It also makes me happy that bf and I like the same things - imagine if one of us just wanted to lie on a beach by day and drink alcopops by night in bar that sold British food (admittedly we're a bit long in the tooth (tooths?) for alcopops) or wanted to play golf all day (sorry Lesley) or something equally appalling (to me)?
Future - well, the old get-slim thing is still there. Unsurprisingly for a fat blog. Now with the side order of white dress, centre of attention and photos-for-the-rest-of-your-life. I am not photogenic. Okay, that developed into a fear for the future. So I guess I'm hoping to look - and feel - beautiful on my wedding day and that that would require me being considerably slimmer. It's what I still wish for on every thistle fairy, hay cart and single sneeze.
Most of my usual blogging pals (whether they know they are or not!) have already been nominated for one or t'other so I'm especially looking to see whether Lesley and Seren will be taking up the challenge!
And then there’s 3) the weekend effect. I was actually mostly pretty careful. Look at these patterns of virtue:
· I didn’t go out to breakfast with the boys as I don’t actually like a full English breakfast (or any subsection of) and didn’t want to waste points. I had my usual skinny granola with FF yoghurt and strawberries both mornings
· They had Ben and Jerry’s ice cream on the Friday night IN MY FAVOURITE FLAVOUR (macadamia madness if you’re asking) and I had a skinny cow (ice cream, not, you know, an actual svelte cow)
· I was very frugal and disciplined on the booze – 1 glass on Friday, 1 glass on Saturday and 1 glass of fizz
· I ordered points-clever in the restaurant on Saturday night – a crab cocktail, scallops on mash with salad and croutons (and I left the croutons and the mash)
· I did have a pudding but decided it wasn’t worth the points so stopped eating it after 2/3 of the way through (this is pretty momentous for me as I would normally eat it all anyway and then bitch about it)
· We did a 14.5 mile walk – part of which was an enforced march (don’t ask) and which was incredibly exhausting. It’s the furthest I’ve ever walked.
· I didn’t have lunch on Sunday and a small WW friendly supper
And now for the vice:
· We didn’t get lunch until 4.30pm on Saturday because the pub we were going to stop in was closed and we had to go on to the nearest place. There was not a great choice of WW friendly food. At least, I don’t recall any but it’s irrelevant as I wasn’t thinking in those terms by then anyway. I had a big slab of sourdough with melted cheese on and some chutney. Bread! Cheese! Argh!
· I still had 2/3 of that pudding
· I also ate a bread roll with butter in the restaurant. More bread! (It was very nice – home made)
· I had 2 mini boxes of mini Smarties (3 points) on Sunday. Sneakily. From under a cushion
· But the piece de resistance – we went to the restaurant where they make fudge. Delicious, creamy, buttery, chocolatey fudge. You buy it in ‘pieces’ (slabs?) the size of an A5 bit of paper (half an A4). We took some home and I split it into 3 and wrapped it – 1 for me, 1 for bf and 1 for bf’s friend. I ate all mine on Sunday (half of bf’s is still in the fridge, tormenting me). Then I was annoyed at bf and sneaked some of his – call it revenge eating. He was being really grumpy and grouchy - with me. He deserved to lose some - to me. Passive aggressive, me?
In summary, I blame the fudge. (But I still want to eat bf’s remaining fudge).