I don’t think I’m losing weight – so am too scared to weigh. The sickness has gone as a side effect but I also seem to have lost the positive side effect of just not being hungry very often. It may all be academic anyway as I have to see my GP tomorrow to see if they’ll continue the treatment recommended by the specialist and they almost always won’t if it involves prescriptions. It’s a shame as, weight aside, it’s had a dramatic effect on my blood sugar readings.
I’m still finding life hard. I still feel like the booby prize in life’s raffle – the one that people constantly give back.
And really, I should not whinge or whine or feel sorry for myself. Work is – generally – good. P is occasionally sideswiped by a tsunami of grief but is coping pretty well. I have friends going through hard times and I should be counting my blessings. Pretty hard to climb out of that rut though. Or maybe I’m just the biggest wuss ever.
We’re talking about going away for a week in January. We’ve not had a holiday and if I’m tired, I think P is exhausted. Originally we planned to find some sun but this is harder than you might think if you want decent weather but don’t want to fly long haul anywhere. As wonderful as it all sounded – and P wanted somewhere sunny he could flop by the pool for most of the holiday – I was starting to full scale panic about being too fat for this type of holiday. I didn’t let on of course. But I could see me being the only one in a skirt and t-shirt, huddled miserably on a sun lounger.
As it is, we can’t find anywhere where it is a) sunny, b) not windy, c) not rainy and d) around 4 hours flying time. Oman was the closest at 7-8 hours. So we’re now thinking of holing up somewhere cold and snowy, seeing the Northern lights and short outdoorsy bursts of fun interspersed with hot chocolate and fires and books. This doesn’t hold the same level of painfully self-aware trauma. Let’s see if we can pull it off with a late deal before I start getting overly excited!*
* Except. Reindeer! Huskies! Snow! Fires! Stars! Snowy trees!