Thursday, 10 July 2014

An explanation

I just read Gabby's comment (thanks Gabby) and I feel awful.  Maybe I have not been fair in the way I portray P.

If you were to meet him, you'd like him.  Everyone likes him - he has charisma and seems very laid back and genial.  He's a great reconteur.  He is funny, quirky and clever and he has real creativity.  The other day he noticed it was Independence Day and we were home - he suggested having an American themed evening and we had US food and wine and watched an American film.  Above all, he is fun!

He isn't particularly laid back fundamentally, but I guess most people are different privately.  He has a low tolerance level for idiocy - and I do irritate him.  He's extremely self-contained - unless I make the move after an argument he would be quite capable of withdrawing and withdrawing until we became strangers.  I am sure that if I left, he would not try to stop me or even look back.

I don't think he values me - and most of this is about how awful I look.  And I have to be fair - I loathe the way I look, why would I expect him to feel otherwise?  I can't meet my own eye in the mirror, how can I expect him to meet my eye?  How can I expect someone to see a value in me that I do not think is there myself?

He can't remember today what he said last night - and I can't forget.


Gabby said...

I really don't want to overstep the mark here, so feel free to ignore me and give me the virtual finger, but I am still concerned... He may be good fun and a good raconteur, but that still doesn't make him a nice person! If he doesn't value you because you don't value yourself, or because he is shallow, that's not actually "understandable" or "fair enough" - that's pretty reprehensible actually. I'm just saying this so you have an idea of what an objective outsider thinks. I'll say no more but do encourage you to take a trusted friend (or even a professional) into your confidence.

Seren said...

Wot she said :-)))

I guess it's sometimes hard to give a truly non biased view on a personal blog...I guess it's also hard for people on the outside to truly understand the internal workings of any given relationship.

Hopefully, now the pressures of work have eased for you, you will have some time and space to work on yourself a little bit and that will help improve things with P. Have you considered relationship counselling? Is that something he would do? We found it helpful, but I know it is not for everyone.


Lisa said...

Just read this post and your previous one and I'm so sorry you're feeling like this but if I may give my opinion without offending you, I also agree with Gabby and others - I dont think he sounds like a particularly nice person and nobody should be treated like that. I also wonder (and I am in no way qualified to make this statement!) if in some way your struggles with weight are related to this and how you are treated.

I'll be honest, I was a lot thinner when I met my partner and I know for a fact he would prefer it if I lost weight - he's told me often enough, he can make comments about what I'm eating or the gym etc and they do get me down. This is something we're dealing with and working on for him to realise that its not acceptable.

However - I feel loved, safe and cared for - he's very affectionate, tells me he loves me often, that I look beautiful and has no problem with hand holding etc - we are very very happy.

I'm saying this just to show that even if someone maybe doesnt agree with how you look (even if it shouldnt matter one bit) its still not acceptable to make someone feel so unhappy, unloved and low as you appear to be.

I wish you all the best with whatever happens and you have a lot of support on here so please continue to use this platform to get out how you feel.

Big love to you x

caroline said...

my tuppence worth, is my opinion only. I think if you were 8 stones tomorrow that would be the only thing that would have changed with you and with him.
One's weight does not cause these problems and losing it will not solve them.

This is emotional abuse.

I would leave (before children complicate things

and i repeat, only my opinion and who am I? No one knows what really goes on within any marriage

Lesley said...

Peridot. What you wrote. That was what it was like with Diarmuid. Just. Like. That.

Diarmuid also was charming, fun, generous etc

My heart bleeds for you. You are just NOT unloveable and you ARE attractive. But unless you stand up to him and make him not only understand how awful you feel BECAUSE OF HIM and that you will not tolerate it any longer, it will only get worse.

Is the pain worth it?? If it is, counselling. If not, plan what YOU want and work towards it.

I'm so terribly sad to read these posts and want to scoop you up and give you a big hug (and a shake!).

I'm ALWAYS here if you need me. L xxxxxxxxxxx

amy said...

Okay, my two cents. First, I do believe P loves you. He certainly doesn't seem the type who would marry you and stay if he did not. Secondly, he is there when the chips are down, and that is the true test.
That being said, it sounds like you are two very different and perhaps not very compatible people. It also sounds like P vents all of his frustrations out on you, which is, of course unacceptable. Believe me, I have been there. Not everybody is affectionate and demonstrative. My husband is very clingy and affectionate and it drives me crazy. We have reached a compromise on that. Anyway, sounds like some counseling would do you both some good. A neutral party acting as a sounding board can be very effective in working out problems.

As for your parents, there is something wrong with them. It goes against nature for parents not to love their children regardless. It obviously has nothing to do with you that your parents have made you felel unloved.
PS. It sounds like we share a name? I am honored.

Lesley said...

Hi again. I've been thinking about you on and off through the day and hoping you are having some fun despite the circumstances. Do NOT believe that you are in anyway "not normal" and your emotional intelligence is top notch. You're being manipulated when he says those things. In my experience the best way to respond is not to engage. Find a phrase which states that you don't agree but you're not going to get dragged into the argument. Stick to your guns and don't compromise any more. Otherwise you will end up on constantly shifting sands, forever in the wrong. You are NOT wrong and the only way this gets better is if you make him accept what he is doing and start to change. If he loves you he will make the effort but at the moment he doesn't need to as he has everything his way anyway.

Lesley xxx

amy said...

Hi again. I just read my earlier post, and I really hope I didn't come across as unsympathetic. I was getting a pedicure when I read your post, and it reduced me to tears. I wanted to post something immediately, an unfortunately, my empathy for didn't come across.

You really do need to sit down with P and tell him what you need from him. Ideally, it should be at a time when things are good, and not after an altercation. I don't think you will scare him away. He is a grown man, and if he wanted to leave he would. I would bet that he has no idea how he comes across, and how deeply he hurts you. You seem to internalize and blame yourself for all of his idiosyncrasies. You need to let him know that certain behaviors of his are simply unacceptable and will not be tolerated. There is nothing that you do that makes him behave the way he does -- it is his shortcoming. I am sure there are little things both of you can easily do to make things more harmonious, and all you can do is do your part. The rest is up to him..

Love Cat said...

Oh Lady. I just want to give you a massive hug. Everyone who has commented already has given you really sage advice and I hope you realise it’s not acceptable to be treated like that.

I’m not going to add anything more about his behaviour – but I am going to make a suggestion to you. I know you say you hate confrontation and I am not saying you should have an out and out argument at the time of the ‘issue’ but when he gets on at you instead of apologising (when you have done nothing wrong!) how about you tell him to shut up. Well, shut up isn’t what I would say. It would be much harsher than that!

My point is, don’t back down and say sorry when he is being a total tool as it just makes him think he is in the right. By saying sorry there is tacit agreement you have done something wrong. Tell HIM to get a grip and YOU flounce off leaving him behind. Lots of love xxxxxx

Lesley said...

Yup. What LC said. That was what I was trying to say about not engaging in the argument which leads to apologies and compromises and is all on his terms. You take it away from him witha firm "No, I've done nothing. Think about your own behaviour."

Easier thought about than said as I know.... :-(

(((((((((more big hugs)))))))))))

Fionna said...

Yes I agree - flouncing is good !!!

Stephbospoon said...

Perhaps your hatred of your weight & current body size is your only way of expressing the hatred of what your relationship has become? Some people are excellent internalizers (if that's a word). As someone who can identify more with P than yourself in the blog above, he probably hasn't forgotten but is rather in denial about how unhappy he is too. I know my own faults, and he will continue to say hurtful things because he knows he can get away with it. If the worm finally turns he will get the shock of his life.