Friday, 23 May 2014

Dog days

I should never, NEVER, say things are going to get better soon.

Work is....well, it's hit a new low.  By the end of the day I am exhausted by maintaining a bright, professional 'game face' and metaphorically blooded from a thousand cuts.  I can see us ending up in a tribunal because I WILL NOT allow them to bully me.  We'll see - there is one or maybe two stages before that.  By the time I get home I'm exhausted as all the adrenaline leaves me and I just want to slump and cry.  It's not good.  The other night I couldn't be bothered to eat - dinner was two glasses of (indifferent) wine.  P has been a ROCK.  He meets me for a swift coffee most lunchtimes, just so I can see a friendly face.  My colleagues are fine btw - it's t'management - so it's not as if I'm sat there in a sea of hostility, that would be unbearable.

Still, the bank holiday weekend will be a blessed relief.  But I really need to find a new job - and I'm trying.  I've even applied for a maternity cover and would give up my (toxic) full-time job with no certainty of the cover extending beyond 9 months.  And that's if I were to get it. 

In other news: we are dog-sitting.  We have a chocolate lab for 3 weeks whilst my mum is in Singapore visiting my brother and the chav-in-law.  Lily (the lab) is having an intense love affair with P.  As I type, she's lying outside the bathroom, waiting for him to come out of the shower.  She follows him around and sits by him, gazing up at him.  This is v cute; her waking us at 5am or 5.30am is not.

It's not helping that I'm not sleeping.  I lie in bed and it feels like misery literally pulses through my body.  It's mainly about the way I look but work is now crowding in too.  I do get to sleep but I'm getting 4-6 hours and I'm an 8+ hours girl.  It makes things harder.  But I usually sleep well in Suffolk - the clean, sea air I think - so am hoping, if Lily lets me, of doing some catching up this weekend. 

The silver linig of the week is the best WI I've had in - well this year I think - I'm now Repulsive.5 3/4lbs so that's about 2 1/2lbs off I think.  It doesn't make me feel any better about how I look - I think it's going to take a couple of stone before that - but it doesn't make me feel worse.  And frankly that's an absolute blessing.  If I could be sure that I'd move steadily in that direction I would feel less dreadful about it but past experience suggests I really would be very foolish indeed to hope.

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Another good week...

Which ought to mean a decent result on SoD - but of course not really.  From official WI I put on 1lb - from unofficial WI I lost 1lb.  It's a bit confusing.  Anyway, I'm now Repulsive.8 1/2 lbs.  Really, who knows what's going on.  I think we can assume another cold winter though - I don't see me losing 2 1/2stones by then, which is what I need to do to get in my coat.

And 2 stone would make such a difference - like fitting in some of my summer clothes for a start.  I have some nice cotton and linen shirts which I'd love to wear with jeans at the weekend but they're just too small.  Everyday is another panic about what to wear.

Little else to say really.  I'm still feeling pretty wretched but I do thank you for your kind comments, it does help not to feel quite so alone with this.  Work is also being even more of a nightmare than usual.  P is really helping with this but I so need to get out - it's just toxic.  I applied for a couple of things this week but we'll see.  Things have to get better soon.

Friday, 9 May 2014

Blimp blip

I’ve not been feeling well for a while and skipped eating a few times so hoped for this to be reflected on SoD on Wednesday WI: I had put on 1 ¼lb – taking me to Repulsive.7 ½ lbs.  I’ve – obv – been fretting about this ever since so decided to WI again today to reassure myself that it was just a blip: yes it was, I’m now Repulsive.9 ½ lbs.
Now, I understand why a few of you take issue with my verbal descriptions of the stone brackets – in your place, I’d probably say the same.  But the fact is that this is pretty much the only space I can be honest in.  Admittedly I don’t talk about my weight to anyone in the ‘real’ world (although I am sure they’ve noticed that I’m the size of a Barrett starter home) – I even avoid talking to my husband about it.  But if he did ask, I feel obliged to be positive – the ‘slow progress but learning all the time’ line which is, let’s be honest, a lie.

The fact is that I feel beyond repulsive – I feel so much more repellent than that.  All the way to the core (through all those layers of flab).  There is no word for how I feel and it’s only getting worse.  I am tired of the subterfuge and the pretence that one day it will all suddenly fall into place and I’ll lose weight steadily like a ‘normal’ person.  I’m tired of saying it’s all okay, that next week will be different, that I have good qualities (because, frankly, if you pushed me, I couldn’t name one).
I’m tired full stop.  All I want to do is read – which is a double edged sword in that I forget how much I loathe myself and can escape to another world (good) but all the female protagonists have one thing in common: they’re good looking and this is essentially what leads to their happy-ever-after.  Or sleep – because if I’m unconscious I don’t know what I look like or feel the pain that that brings.  Perhaps I could do a Sleeping Ugly and wake up in 100 years - surely not eating for 100 years would make me slimmer?

So I AM (at the very least) Repulsive – nudging upwards to…. I’m not sure what but clearly will have to get my thinking cap on – and will I ever move down to hit the Obese bracket?  It seems increasingly unlikely.

Friday, 2 May 2014


There were carbs over Easter.  Especially – in fact exclusively – hot cross buns.  So I was worrying about getting on SoD.  Admittedly, I always get worried about getting on SoD.  I tried to rationalise it away today and justify delaying WI to Friday.  But I was working overnight on that Thursday which means typing furiously and non-stop from 6-9am which makes the whole WI thing difficult.  I usually weigh first thing but ‘forgot’ until I was in the shower.  Cue intense internal dialogue about how this might affect the result:

Well, the extra water might make me heavier

But then I’ve washed dirt off* so that might make me lighter

Even I have sufficient self-awareness that I realised I was prevaricating.  I got on the sodding SoD: Repulsive.9 ¼ lbs.  That’s ¼lb off.  It was a blip, clearly but I’ll take it. 
It might explain why this week's WI had me staying the same after a pretty damn good week.   Still Repulsive.9 ¼ lbs.  Running to stand still?  (No, NOT literally!  Forget the couch to 5k thing!)
Not sure where the next WI will take me but I've had some kind of virus which, aside from making me pathetically weak and with a splitting headache, makes me feel nauseous in the evenings - so I've not eaten a lot.  Mind you, a couple of meals have been toast.  Not good on the carb front - what DO you eat that's bland and comforting but not carbs?  I can't work it out anyway.
I'm hoping to get out for a proper hike on Sunday - I need to feel better for the weekend, surely?  And hurrah for three day weekends (even if I don't finish work until Saturday morning)!
* I am not that dirty, promise