Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Running scared

No, no, NO!  I need to start by clarifying – I am not intending to do the Couch to 5k programme.  And this is because I already did this for a year (and started it again maybe a year after that).  Probably only Lesley will remember this but I really did give it my best shot and I did persevere and I HATED it.  Which would have been okay if it had made me lose weight: Reader, it did not.
No, my exercise is mainly about walking these days – I try to incorporate as much as possible into my working week and then P and I go hiking most weekends or days off.  I don’t suppose it will achieve much but as it’s not painful – indeed, I really enjoy it most of the time (getting us lost miles and miles from the car apart!) so I don’t resent the time spent on it.
So, I think I need to come up with some sort of way of recording my weight: I DID get on SoD today (which I think was extraordinarily brave btw) and I either stayed the same or put a little bit on.  So, I’m going to revert to my impossible-to-penetrate code system of a few years ago and name my stone brackets:  I am currently Repulsive.9 1/2 .  The next stone brackets in a downward direction (I cannot bear to go the other way) will be:
Very Fat

Obviously I’d like to be in the Normal bracket (the one under that would be Slim.  I’m really not that much of a dreamer to imagine I would ever, could ever get there) but to be honest, Plump would be fine.  Hell, Chubby would be fine.  Or, you know, any downward trajectory.
I think that I need to have made serious inroads into the Fat bracket to get into my winter coat before the chilly Autumn weather returns.  That’s a lot of lardage.  Into which I’m making little headroom. 
It could, of course, have been worse.  I could have put more on.  We do have a meal out this weekend but mostly it’s looking like a pretty clear week – let’s see if SoD can grant me a loss this week.
In other news: I didn’t get shortlisted for a job I really wanted.  There’s a long story here that explains my level of disappointment which I will not try your patience with, dear Reader, but it’s obviously compounded by the extremely unpleasant environment I’m increasingly desperate to escape.  And on top of feeling so low (for which read: fat) it was all a bit much.  I am very resilient and I will bounce back but things feel a bit bleak at the moment.
Which brings me on to telling the psychologist that I didn’t think it was worth continuing.  It was an awful session – firstly because we went over how I feel about my weight and appearance which is very hard and painful for me anyway.  And then she said she’d felt she’d failed and I was overwhelmed with guilt.  I was so upset that I had to practically sprint from her office and my legs still feel like jelly. 
Still, a four day weekend is just the tonic for most ills.  We may only manage one hike but it’s going to be a good one (fingers crossed for good weather) and there’s the whole four days off thing again which is pretty damn amazing. 

Monday, 14 April 2014

Cry fowl

I'm back - back at work and back on the blog.  Things are still tough but I'm trying to capture a bit of a 'new term' vibe.

I haven't weighed myself since my last post, dear Reader.  I've been feeling so bad about myself that I was just too chicken to face the malevolent SoD - I do not share Seren's optimism that it will treat me anything but cruelly.  I have to do it - I know I do.  I've earmarked Wednesday for The Deed but I feel no sense of determination or resolve.  As Caroline pointed out, it's tough to lose weight when you've had three meals out, no matter how sensible (Mothers' Day - grrr).   And Hazel: damnit, that weigh in was PRE those meals.  Shiver, quake, cluck, cluck, cluck...

But thank you all for all your comments - it's really heartening to know that on pretty much the only place I feel I can 'speak' that I can get support and advice.  I actually find it incredibly difficult to talk about my feelings in real life - if bottling things up ever were to become an Olympic sport, I would be supreme champion - so this outlet is extremely important to my vestiges of sanity.

I've worked really hard on the decorating - and no sooner did the achiness from that ease than I got us lost on a moderate hike which then turned into a mammoth hike, just to get back to the car.  I always feel I ought to get more of a SoD acknowledgement of exercise.  I don't really understand why it doesn't work for me, Gabby.  When I did LL and was thus surviving on 550 cals of artifically flavoured dust a day, I was running (or at least, doing the couch potato to 5k plan) and it made NOT A JOT of difference.  Ditto when I've been a gym bunny. 

I pretty much have to stick with the low-carbing thing, Lisa, because of the diabetes thing and it is noticeable how it smooths out my blood sugar levels.  But I think I need to cut it to the bone, as Stephanie and Amy have alluded to - maybe I'm somehow mis-managing it with the odd (carefully chosen but nonetheless) pudding.  I think this is one of the reasons I'm afraid to approach SoD as I've eased up on the carb restrictions whilst we've been decorating: I've told myself that I was doing physically enough that the carbs would be burnt straight away but as Amy, Hazel and Stephanie have hinted at, it's easy to deceive yourself or just honestly make a mistake.  Constant vigilance, as Madeye Moody would say.  Although possibly not about dieting.

I'm actually thinking about stopping seeing the psychologist.  She's very nice but I find it very hard to talk anyway and work are not happy about me coming in an hour late once a fortnight (no matter that I work over my hours pretty much every day).  Also, although it's interesting and has been a bit helpful to discuss my dysfunctional childhood, the elephant in the room is me and I how I feel about my weight.  I've talked about it (well, sobbed, really) but she can't make me slim and she can't make me feel anything but very unhappy about the way I look - so really, what's the point?  Rhetorical question there.