Friday, 30 May 2008

The big sulk

I have been slightly sulking as nobody gave me any advice on diets. Then I thought, less people to offend when I blatently ignore their advice. Then again, the people who were reading may have just got too bored to continue with my self-indulgent ramblings! And who could blame them?!

I'm going to stick with the IPD. As seductive as a quick weight loss on CD would be, I really don't like the packs (would be different if LL where the new bars and some shakes (banana (with either chocolate or strawberry) principally) were quite nice) and I think it would be hard to keep to and hard to re-adjust afterwards. This could easily all change again though. Naughty R - my LL/CD buddy does have some LL packs so I might think about having those from her. It won't be a month's worth though - probably a week. And obviously wouldn't necessarily be the flavours I want/like. Will have to see how I do but have that in the back of my mind.

And I've lost 4-5lbs since I've been off the carbs so I've had that initial post-carb drop and now it remains to be seen what happens as a weekly loss. I would hope with the running that it will be 2lbs. But I've also read some interesting posts about the unlucky ones (whose merry band I inevitably join) who DO need to calorie count too to a certain extent - especially as snacks of cheese and nuts can really push up calories consumed. Bah. I have a couple of modest snacks of nuts a day and a small cheese which doesn't sound too bad but I'll need to keep an eye on it - maybe only one nut snack a day. I definitely have an urge to snack that's psychological and rather than physical. Not sure how to get over that one either - other than just willpower which I always have a deficit of.

I've only run once this week too. Was going on Monday and the rain was torrential - so went to our small, smelly "fitness room" in our block only to find that neither treadmill would go above snail speed. Error 6 apparently - which I suspect can be found in the manual with the explanation "too dangerous to let this lard arse attempt anything faster than a shuffle in case she corks it and sues us". So I ran Tuesday morning in the park as usual but got ill Wednesday evening (sick, dizzy, headache) and still haven't recovered properly. But I now feel very panicky that I've not run the allotted 3 runs this week, nor have I got any hope of doing so now (even if I suddenly felt well again) although I may try and squeeze one in tomorrow if I'm feeling up to it - and indeed am up at all since I'm positively slathering at the thought of a lie in tomorrow. And that's after a day off, sick. When I couldn't sleep - how annoying is that? I lay fretfully in bed, feeling all sick and dizzy and unable to escape it by abandoning consiousness!

Next week I'm going to have to run on 2 consecutive days anyway to get my run quota in, which isn't ideal either(Mon, Wed, Thu if you're interested!). But I think better to do 3 runs if not evenly spaced than just do 2. I guess Thursday's may be more than usually tough. I'd better see those pesky scales sliding downwards....

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Diet dilemmas

In the shower today I found myself musing over whether I should return to the dreaded Cambridge Diet for a month to 6 weeks. A month should bring me back to my lowest weight to date and 6 weeks should bring me to half a stone below that - and just about into the next stone down. I don't know what to do....

The case for:
  • Rapid weight loss. In a nutshell. I'm depressed at being in the next stone bracket up (all self induced I know)
  • Only for a short space of time (we're at friends for Saturday 19 July and overnight)

The case against:

  • I'd be very upset if I didn't get that stone and a half
  • I'd be moody as hell doing the diet again I suspect
  • I hate the shakes etc (Lighter Life was so much more palatable but that's not an option - too expensive)
  • I'm sitting here eating a delicious prosciutto and avocado salad (btw pea tops - ohmygod how delicious are they - anyone who's allowed to eat such dangerous things as leaves run to Waitrose right now and buy them - yuuuuummmmmmy)
  • Would I be giving the hypnosis a proper go? I've eaten 6 sweets today so not quite there yet in any case.
  • I want to carry on with the running. Given that going back to it after less than a fortnight nearly finished me off (my lungs were still burning last night!), I couldn't stop for 6 weeks and then pick it up again!
  • I do believe that the ipd/low carb thing works for my body - it keeps my appetite down and my blood sugar stable. I would go back to it in any case. I haven't had the success that so many have with weight loss though.
  • Would I start from scratch in having to go another 9 months with a depressed metabolism?

What to do? I know there are many more points against than for - BUT by mid July, IF I stuck to it, I could be a stone and a half lighter (perhaps more if the running kicks in). When I think about this I feel keen but then I think about not eating and it seems too hard. Oh dear, I'm in a dither....

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Labrador frenzy in Wales

Back from 10 days away. Initially a weekend with my brother in Cheshire and then just over a week in his ENORMOUS caravan in N Wales. Labs had a wonderful time - long walks every day and Lily (chocolate bruiser) swam every day (irrespective of screamed instructions from us) and Cheska (silly beagle in a Labrador suit) paddled in a wussy manner. We got her to swim on the last day so hopefully she'll be keener next time - we can't have a Lab who doesn't swim! Wales was very pretty - sort of a cross between Cornwall and Scotland - and we had fabulous weather for most of the week. The walking was lovely as long as we ignored all the no dogs on beach signs - the beaches were completely deserted anyway and we would always clear up after the dogs.

My attempts to resist carbs fell at the first hurdle. The night we got there (my mum, her 2 Labs and me) they got in a Chinese - and even the spare ribs were battered! I ate very sparingly and sensibly. Then for breakfast was offered the choice of buttermilk pancakes, croissants or chocolate brioche! I know that Marissa says we should be okay to say we don't eat things - like a vegetarian - BUT I don't think it's like being a vegetarian, I'm just picky about what I eat. I don't want to be one of those people who are a nightmare to cater for. There are times when I will have to give in with good grace and this was one. Have to say I REALLY enjoyed the buttermilk pancakes but was very hungry again a few hours later. And this was how the week went (as I fell spectacularly from the carb-free wagon) - if I had a carby breakfast (principally Welsh cakes!) I was starving by 11am. If I had scrambled eggs or mock oatmeal (no oatmeal included obviously) I was fine to have our picnic lunch at 2.30pm after at least a couple of hours of walking. It really made me realise that for me at least, the low carb thing does work - at least in terms of regulating my blood sugar and (physical) appetite. Jury's still out on the weight loss thing.

What I have to guard against though, is the 'all-or-nothing' mentality. Having had to have carbs at my brother's, I should then have returned to the pink path of virtue. Instead, I saw it as carte blanche to have chocolate (most days), cake (most days), Welsh cakes (often), potato (3 times), fruit (every day), ice creams (several times), sweets (most days), bread (twice), fish and chips (once), pasta (twice) and chocolate milk (once). Consequently I have put on 6lbs. Arggghhhhhh. Had optimistically hoped that walking for most of the day would offset it (last year I lost 4lbs!).

Not quite sure where this leaves me, hypnosis-wise either. I took the disc to listen to in bed before I fell asleep but it was faulty and wouldn't play. Would it have made a difference? I don't know.

So today - after barely sleeping last night but listening to the generic Marissa CD (not the one of my session) - I dragged myself out of bed for a run. Given that it's been less than a fortnight since I last ran, and that I've hardly been inactive in the interim, I was pretty shocked at just how hard it was. My lungs are still feeling bruised.

Had a small and almost acceptible amount of dark chocolate this lunchtime (in mourning for the +6lb diet) and I was indifferent to the taste - something Marissa said would happen. I just have to stop myself wanting it in the first place. And generally wanting to eat even when I'm not hungry. Hopefully the CD will help with this. Although b/f was thrashing about in a seemingly irate manner last night in bed whilst I was listening so I suspect listening to it in bed before I go to sleep is not an option. I did say to him to let me know if it disturbed him but I found it difficult to relax whilst I was worrying about this. May have to de-camp to the sofa but it's not exactly friendly behaviour.

Got to get this 6lbs off and then the next 1/2st which will take me to my lowest weight. Then another 1/2 to get under the next stone bracket down. Sounds easy? No! But I'm going to give it a good shot....

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Down and under

My weight is finally starting to shift downwards. This is just as well as I had put on 10lbs since I started IPD - and was a further 2lbs up on my lowest ever weight. I'm still 6lbs up, mind you, but I'm hoping this is the start of a (downwards) trend. I had put on two lots of 3lbs on on sugar-fests - the team building day and shortly thereafter. The second time I actually quite scared myself (not enough to put down the biscuit you understand) as I had about 8 biscuits and a 100g bar of dark chocolate and got heart palpitations. I don't even like dark chocolate and had bought it as a) it's semi allowed and b) since I didn't like it I wouldn't scarf the lot. Wrongggggggg. That was over a week ago now and there have been no "incidents" since then. Although I think I have yet to be put sorely to the test (more of this later).

And still running - now on 3 mins run, 2 mins walk for 35 mins. Hard work. I don't think I'm ever going to enjoy running but I grimly hang in there and wait for the weight to drop off and my legs to be less chunky.

It was with some relief and a sense of desparation that I went for my appointment with Marissa Peer on Friday. It wasn't at all what I was expecting. She did that thing that I've always thought of as utter baloney where you hold your arm out with a clenched fist and a variety of food in your other hand and you have your arm pushed down to see how strong it is and therefore how your body is weakened by said food. Now I'm bloody minded and I was determined to keep my arm up - at all times but especially with chocolate - but down it went. I was okay with flour stuff - bread and pasta, not great on dairy but significantly appalling on sweets and even more so on chocolate. Bizarre. Marissa explained it by saying that the small quantities going in to my skin and the particles entering my nose were enough to have a reaction. And there was a reaction all right. My arm really ached the next day from my determination to keep it up. And Marissa is an ethereal looking blonde - I very much doubt she's stronger than me. Then after lots of questions about food, my childhood etc I had the hypnosis. She got me to come up with scenes from my past that explained my sugar addiction. I was panicked that I wouldn't be able to but I did. It was actually rather traumatic and I did get quite upset but it does make sense. In a nutshell, my father was an out and out bully and a control freak - probably still is but I'm glad to say I haven't seen him for 3 years - and was particularly controlling about sweets and chocolate. I never felt 'normal' as a child because of this and never got to enjoy sweet stuff without either eating it behind his back or in a very controlled fashion. So my obsession is partly rebellion about those early experiences - fed by being on an almost permanent diet since the age of 14 whereby eating it meant guilt in any case. Hence the cycle of gorging with recriminations and self-loathing and then periods of denial but constant preoccupation. I can't remember all of the hypnosis part - and it's long and rather painful in any case - but in essence I have to tell myself that I can have whatever I want, and as much of it, but that I also want to be slimmer. So far, this makes sense but as I say, we haven't had a big smack table since then - I've resisted sweets today but didn't like the cake in any case! She will send me a CD of what she said which I have to listen to every night to reinforce it. Not sure how to position this with bf. He doesn't know I went and would be appalled - because of the money.

At the end of the week I'm away for 10 days with my mother - walking in Wales with the labradors. This will test my virtue up to a point - and I am intending some treats - but also make it easier to intensively listen to the CD which will be good. Also looking foward to walking every day - hope the weather stays like this! Last year I ate what I wanted and STILL lost 4lbs but I do want to build on the concept of not having to dive headfirst into the nearest vat of sugar, inhaling madly. Marissa says my addiction is psychological, not physical - wonder if that's better or worse?