Friday, 28 December 2007

It's oh so quiet

Well, nothing much seems to be happening in blogland. I wonder if that's because everyone is so off piste that they don't want to confront it? Well, if that's the case, don't despair spacepack pals, everyone eats too much over Christmas and puts on weight. Yes, even Kate Moss. Bet you. So this is just being an ordinary person. January is for sensible (ie no) eating and sensible (no) spending. Not a fun month.

Having said all that, I have had moments of going a bit too mad. I know I have to go on the detested spacepacks (well, assuming I ever hear from my CDC) and this seems to be engendering a panic whereby I have to eat everything very quickly in the meantime - everything highly in calorifies and low in nutrients anyway. I know I've put on weight but I'm too chicken (or too full of chicken) to weigh myself. But my clothes are starting to feel tight so I'm not deluding myself. I feel full of doom. And chocolate, and cake, and..... In fact I've eaten so much rich food that I'm actually looking forward to going back to the purity (!) of the diet. In a way. Once I've eaten x and y of course. I just hope that in the spring when I finish this crazy diet (it must be the spring or I shall definitely go mad) I won't feel I have to cram a load of naughty treats in to a short space of time - it won't be a hiatus before going back to the diet so I'll have plenty of time and can eek out those treats. One thing I haven't done (although have noticed the destructive thoughts creeping in and have squashed them (something I must be better at whilst heavier!)) is think that although I've snacked alot and am therefore not actually hungry, I still have to have proper meals too. I know it's so pathetic that it's not really progress but it's a baby step.

And food splurging seems to go with shopping splurging. I really don't have any money (debt yes, money no - I am officially time poor AND cash poor which doesn't seem quite fair!) so I mustn't do this but once I start it's hard to stop. Like eating chocolate. There must be a link there - and a way to moderation somewhere - but I can't find it. I always have been a bit all or nothing but it's a topsy-turvey way to live. I guess it's about 'treating' myself but how I overcome those very ingrained thoughts I just don't know. Answers on a postcard... (Or blog comment)

Won't post now until the New Year so I hope you're all enjoying the festive season and have a wonderful New Year. 2008 is going to be great for us - just wait and see.

Friday, 21 December 2007

Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat....

And so, I suspect, is Peridot - honk, honk!

I haven't weighed myself because I'm afraid to but my clothes feel slightly tighter (still fit, thank goodness). I have disintegrated into full on Christmas eating - an obscene amount of chocolate basically. Although this is not healthy, constructive or sensible I am not going to allow it to plunge me into despair and hopelessness - I am going back to CD on 7 January and from 3rd will be cutting out carbs and down generally so that it's not too painful to get back on the packs. At least, I hope I'm going back to CD then - I haven't heard from my prospective CDC.

One thing that has lead to this path of hedonism is work. It's still unfeasibly stressful - too much work and too little support. I ended up in tears the other week - I was very embarrassed and ashamed but the final straw was having to cancel meeting a friend (we had tickets for the cinema). I absolutely hate letting people down and I was exhausted. It just seems that my work assume that it's perfectly okay for your real life to suffer - just as long as you get your work done. And I don't work for anything like a big law firm or accountancy firm where you sell your soul for muchas dollars and they own you; I work for not alot of money in the public sector. I am officially cash-poor and time-poor - not ideal! Stress= chocolate for me. Which ought to make me dislike chocolate but in fact I love it - it's a comfort somehow. Warped. I actually think I do have that physical reaction that apparently some people get where chocolate simulates a feeling similar to love. I can't seem to penetrate that well-being feeling with the cold, clear knowledge that it makes me fat and that makes me unhappy and insecure. I have terrible problems giving it up too - for about a week I would kill someone for their chocolate bar and then I mostly am indifferent until and except for stress.

I am looking forward to Christmas - although I'm finding that stressful too. I can't get to sleep at night for running through lists in my head of what I still have to do. I still have 3-4 presents to buy and ALL my wrapping pretty much. And tonight I'm having another bash at the cinema with stood up friend of the other week - then will have to go home and wrap a few of the presents for people I'm seeing tomorrow. We're going to see my friend E, her husband and daughter (the smiliest baby in the world (TM)) for coffee tomorrow morning (at a time when I wouldn't be out of bed ordinarily) and to give E her present. I won't be able to give my pseudo-god-daughter her present as it's at my mum's because I couldn't carry it AND my suitcase AND my work bag in on the train after I'd stayed there earlier this week. Although she's 1 and really won't notice, I still feel bad. Children's toys are so bulky! Roll on when I can buy her jewellery! I had ordered the perfect present from Mothercare - I checked with them twice that they'd have it in for me to collect last Wednesday and they gave me assurances that this was fine. They lied. So I had a panic-stricken dash around Early Learning Centre - hope that what I've got will be okay. They're things my neice likes but they do say age 3-8. whereas smiliest baby is 18 months. She's bright though and my mum reckons they'll be fine.

Then we're going to pick up my stepson and go for a walk with him, my mum and her 2 labradors (1 is a foster lab). He adores her dog and has not yet met her foster-dog who is a lunatic and will be thrilled to run madly with him. Back to hers for dinner and to exchange presents - and to wrap the family presents she'll be taking up to my brother's. Sunday - to Borough Market to pick up the meat for the festive period and get some last minute presents to make up a hamper for friends and do supermarket shop. I also have to start making some of the food then too and wrap remaining presents. Monday (Christmas Eve) - clean flat, prepare food, make cake, then over to friends for 5pm-ish for a drink and presents before coming back for lobster thermidor (yum). Christmas Day - we have b/f's parents over. Boxing Day - we're going for a walk. Then I'm back in the office for Thursday and on duty that night.

Merry Christmas everyone - hope you all find some tranquillity amongst the tinsel.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

So fed up. And so fed up.

I haven't posted for ages. And this is because my job has just gone crazy. There are fewer of us doing more work and I feel incredibly stressed because I'm just randomly reacting to things - depending on what seems more urgent - and have no real idea of what I really have on. I'm not doing anything very well as a consequence and permanently feel swamped. In fact I've started to get a pain in my heart/stomach (always did have problems differentiating between the two!) which I think is stress - and I'm very close to tears most of the time.

This has had a bad effect on my eating - I've eaten so much chocolate you wouldn't believe. I've become obsessed with those big Quality Street chocolates (the purple one and the orange one) and somehow one just isn't enough. I know I have to stop and every night I resolve to do just that - then I come in to this situation again and my resolution just flies out of the window.

And I'm not having packs as a consequence - maybe one (of three) a day. This has some benefits which I'll come on to but is another leap down that slippery path.

The benefit is that my CDC has given us the flick. He was an hour and a quarter late last time (and I was doing my nut as I could have done with staying in the office that night) and was quite sulky about driving in - his choice as I'm sure you'll agree. My naughty-but-nice friend R isn't doing CD at all at the moment so didn't want any packs this fortnight (we buy by the fortnight) so he said it's not worth his while to come in to London for less than a month's packs. And I didn't want that many (which was what he was saying I'd have to do) so was definitely not wanting to buy so many just before Christmas (having to watch my money too) AND he keeps giving me the lactose-free without so much as an apology or explanation and I do think they're even more horrid.

So that's it. I have a week's worth - maybe more - and I know there are scheduled occasions where I'll eat and, unless I can find the strength and willpower, other occasions too. And I have a new CDC set up for January because the CDC-chimp was so useless but it does seem crazy to start with her for one (fortnight's) session and then not see her until the New Year when I am bound to have put on weight.

I will be interested to see whether I can simulate CD on my own (which would of course mean stopping all the chocolate) - with a CD chocolate variant pack for breakfast (I can't think of any low carb breakfast) as long as I have them, a CD soup for lunch whilst I have them, then a Pret miso soup with a pack of wafer thin chicken or ham for lunch when the soups run out and some fish and veg for supper or home-made soup. Assuming (and it's a big assumption) that I can cut the chocolate, it will be interesting to see the impact this has on my weight.

I'm sure I will be back on CD after Christmas though! Naughty R is planning "full steam ahead" in January so we will be back in it together.

In the meantime, we have friends staying with us this weekend - this means a meal cooked by me (fig, prosciutto and parmesan salad, followed by Moroccan chicken, chorizo, squash and chickpea stew with sweet potato and ginger mash and beans in a spiced yoghurt dressing, then chocolate pear mousse cake - tried to be healthy except for the pudding but the over-riding priority is for things I can cook in advance) on Friday night, dim sum for lunch on Saturday and Brick Lane curry Saturday night, and Wagamama for lunch on Sunday (can do that quite healthily) - which wouldn't be my choice with guests but they're from the deepest country (lucky them) and have read about Wagamama and seem to think it's glamorous. Only hope they're not too disappointed!

This means I am off after today for this week and although that means more stress today and next week, and tomorrow and Friday morning will be spent cooking and cleaning, I hope I can recover a bit and calm down.

Hope everyone else is well and happy.

Monday, 19 November 2007

Day 26 CD - finger out munter

Another week has slipped past. A week in which I have lost zilch. I have been pick, pick, picking at sugary snacks from the smack table. I have to stop this. I have some dates when I know I will be eating and/or drinking and apart from that I have to be super virtuous. I had wanted to lose another 7lbs by the end of the month and given that I have 2 days when I know I will have a meal (and another on 1 Dec) it's getting a bit iffy whether I'll make that. It's so hard though! I hate the packs and I keep having what I suspect is LL "crooked thinking" by wondering if I couldn't do it without the CD packs - a miso soup for lunch, a small piece of protein and some veg for supper (don't know what for breakfast). This would be much more pleasant and probably cheaper but could I really do it? Would I have to come back to CD, tail between (chubby) legs?

As it is, we had friends over for dinner on Saturday and I cooked. I really enjoyed the whole social experience of it - but my tolerance for wine seems to have dramatically fallen and I was quite light-headed. Will have to be ultra careful of that. I've never been someone who drinks until they're ill - I suffer quite enough with headaches anyway to want to induce more of them. So I knew what I could drink (pre LL) and that seems to have changed. I tried to cook reasonably healthily without penalising our friends - we had a warm squash salad to start, then beef cooked in beer with chestnuts and mushrooms with spiced red cabbage, pigs in blankets (admittedly not very healthy) and potato and celeriac mash, cheese (I had a smidgeon and I never bother with cheese biscuits anyway) and pears roasted in marsala with cinnamon and walnut marscapone cream. I deliberately didn't over cater and there's still loads left for the b/f to eat up. Mostly mash and cabbage so he'll have to embrace his Irish ancestry for that!

And it's our 'anniversary' tomorrow - only of when we had our first date (very juvenile) and we will have a meal together - b/f suggested a chinese takeaway since we first ate chinese together 14 years ago. It's not the healthiest choice (I had thought of going out for a big platter of fruits de mer) but it's more within our meagre and Christmas-anticipating budget. And I will make healthy choices (avoid rice especially - which I LOVE) and not being in a restaurant means not being tempted (and let's face it, giving in to temptation is something I do all too easily) by desserts. Then a work party on 29th - held by a private sector firm we use so there'll be free food and drink and un-squalid surroundings! We're very excited. That'll be fizz and canapes. And then my mother's birthday on 1st which IS going to be in a fish restaurant (Loch Fyne) and therefore easy to choose the path of virtue.

Although I have accepted that I can't be rigid and 100% pure about this diet any longer, equally I don't want it to become an excuse not to put my all into it the rest of the time. Even if I go for the non pack format (and I'm only thinking about that at this stage). Next time I write I want to be able to report that I'm being good and reaping the rewards. Hope you're all having a more uncomplicated journey at present. Any advice on whether my thinking is crooked or not would be really welcome, oh wise blogland pals.

Monday, 12 November 2007


I'm having such a stressful and frustrating day - people being thoroughly blase and uninterested in totally missing their own deadlines which mean I'll miss mine. So I ate 6 biscuits from the smack table - 3 choc choc chip cookies and 3 choc covered biscuits. 6!! What's the point in resisting bloody chewing gum if I mess up like this? So now I'm really fed up - in both senses. Arrgghh

Day 19 CD - Manic Monday

Hmmm, I'm not blogging as much. Not good - for me, possibly good for you as I DO tend to witter on once I get on!

We had a meeting with our CDC last Wednesday - I was quite pleased as I'd lost 5 1/2lbs since starting CD, and of course 5lbs in the couple of days when I used some old LL packs. He kept saying "that's not much"! Even when I explained that I had very slow losses! And I haven't been 100% virtuous which is probably why I'm more relaxed about it. Weirdly, not being rigid has made me less neurotic. And my size 16 jeans are starting to be a little too big for comfort! Okay, they're probably a generous 16 but it's still good.

I've bought quite a few things from ebay in 16s as I really have nothing to wear (all my old stuff was size 20s - with a few 22s I'm afraid) but have still spent a fortune! Got alot for it but really don't have the money for this. I sold some stuff too but I'm still £ down! My friend R gave me a wonderful coat though - just as well as I looked like a bag lady and it's C-O-L-D. I don't think I'm in ketosis as my wee sticks remain stubbornly beige but I cannot get warm - I'm worried I'll actually lose a toe at this rate!

I think the ketosis thing is because although I've been very good in the last week I have been eating loads of sugar free gum - enough to make me blow up like a puffer fish and get bad tummy ache. Does this stop me? Of course not - it's sweet and it's legit (you can have some sugarfree gum on CD)! Except the ones I've been munching like a woman possessed - Wrigley watermelon, Wrigley strawberry and M&S berry - appear to have citric acid in them. I'm proud to say that it's been 2 days since my last gum - one day at a time! My name is Peridot and I am addicted to fruity chewing gum.....

Thanks for your kind comments about my last post. Things seem good with b/f mostly and I guess some rows are inevitable (as much as I do try and avoid them) but mustn't be allowed to get that nasty again. I do need to be less thin-skinned (and less floppy skinned but that's a whole other story!) and just enjoy the fact that he suddenly finds me attractive again. Men are superficial - this should not take me by surprise at the age of 37!

And to be fair, he had an old reel of film developed and there was a photo on there of me - I think - right at the start of LL and I looked dreadful. I had my favourite denim skirt on and I looked so fat it was quite shocking. If I'd not lost some weight I would have been devastated by that photo - as it is, it really made me see how far I've come. More than anything else I think. Although I'm now getting lots of compliments as people notice I'm slimmer - some are a bit odd like "You're so skinny". Er, no, a 16 is NOT skinny in anyone's book! And is that meant to be an accusation or a compliment? Coz it sounds a bit aggressive to me (maybe I'm being thin-skinned). Even when I get a shouted, gushing "You look AMAZING!" like I did today I get very embarrassed and self conscious and tend to go bright red (not a good look for a redhead) and shrug it off gracelessly. If only they'd be more discreet! But it IS nice to hear, even if I find it agonising at the time.

So, I've now lost over 3 1/2st and next goal is 4st and the one after that is to tip me into the next stone bracket down - hopefully by the end of the month. I even told b/f what I weighed now and what I started at! This is incredibly free and open for me - I've been so secretive about it all. I was joking and saying that I wanted to know when I weighed less than him and he pointed out that we'd both need to say what we weighed - it turns out I'm about 1 1/2 st less than him now - and even when he shifts the stone he wants to lose that will still make me lighter! I'm looking for an opportunity to sit in his lap..... (presumably I can't cut off his circulation if I weigh less than him??!)

Monday, 5 November 2007

Day 12 CD

I NEVER thought I'd say this but I miss the LL packs! No, really! The CD ones are not as nice - wouldn't have thought that was humanly possible but there you go. Actually, that's a bit unfair as the soups are better but the shakes are very thin (a la LL vanilla versionI, chocolate etc) and the bars are rank (like all the original LL bars). The latter is especially disappointing as people rave about them. They do have real chocolate on and my CD buddy, R, has been carefully stripping the chocolate off, eating that and throwing the bar away! It's all the more odd as the packs are higher in calorie value (you only have 3 a day) so you'd expect them to taste better. My CDC (who's a bit of a chimp) swears that CD make the LL packs so I asked him why it would be good business sense to make a better product for a competitor than you formulate for your own business? That stumped him. Mind you, stumping him is not hard. But kind of fun (in an evil way).

The weight is slowly going down - by my scales I've lost the 7lbs I put on on holiday and have dropped a further 2-3lbs (depending on the day!). So that's good. But I ate on Saturday. Planned eating, I hasten to add. I decided I had to be less rigid - for the sake of my relationship principally - and accept that there would be the odd (very occasional) social occasion where I would need to eat. It makes me feel anxious about it but I'm determined not to stress about it. We had a friend over to see the fireworks on Saturday night and went to Carluccio's afterwards. I was very good - whilst I actually wanted a big plate of pasta, I actually had some parma ham to start and then a seabass fillet with a small tomato salsa (well, just c4 tomatoes cut in quarters with a smidgeon of onion) and about 3 roast baby new potatoes. But I'd made an apple crumble (popular request) and I did have some of that. Again, we had our guest there so I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. I made it with minimum sugar and a low GI topping - very little flour but oats and nuts. And I didn't have any ice cream with it like they did. In fact I deliberately got ice cream rather than cream as I'm pretty indifferent to it. And I had 2 left over LL packs as my only meal that day (lower cals than 2 CD ones and better tasting too) at 11am and then nothing until about 9.30pm! And now I'm back to the joyless existance of packs until our next social thing which isn't until 17th. And then I'm cooking for friends so have cunning lowest poss impact menu planned out.

I'm quite proud of myself though as I was ill last week and off work for 2 days (v unusual) but didn't use this as an excuse to cheat - rather as an opportunity, without the smack table luring me, to really stick to the straight and narrow. My CD buddy, R, was also ill but felt that she therefore deserved to eat what she wanted (that being scotch eggs, chocolate muffins and the like(it's always that kind of food, isn't it? Not tomatoes or lettuce or broccoli)). Not decrying her as we all have to face our own demons and deal with them as best we can. And she's a naughty, naughty girl anyway - I don't think she's ever stuck to a full week. But she's still lost over 2st and looks amazing - she's a very beautiful girl which always helps.

Had a very bad row with b/f yesterday. Sparked off by something and nothing - him being critical of my driving. He is very critical and I am a bad and reluctant driver who drove and felt I needed applause. It spiralled out of all control and recognition until he was seriously about to dump me. I rather thought these wouldn't happen when I lost weight since arguments often used to end up there, naive of me I guess. As it was, it kind of did again as I objected violently to him saying he was positive and supportive - about me losing weight. This is true but I rather flew off the handle and accused him of only valuing me according to my shape and size and said as long as I was slimmer I could be the most horrible person going - even sleeping around - and I'd still be better in his eyes than old fat, loyal, decent me. This made him cry (very rare) and basically say that was it, he just didn't care about me or anything to do with me any more, he didn't want to be with me and I was an evil, nasty, twisted person (I think he was afraid I would do this which I never, never would, I was just using it as an illustration of the nastiest thing I could think of). After a long time - and a fair amount of debasement from me I'm afraid - we did turn the corner and things are okay for the time being. I have to be less thin-skinned, he has to be more positive (not just about my weight loss). It all ended positively and ultimately - in, er, bed. Now I feel uncomfortable writing this as people I actually know in real life read this (only bestest friends) but this is a very rare occurence. Last time was probably c4 years ago - as he's always said he didn't find me sufficiently attractive to want to sleep with me. This makes me even more self-consious but assuming I passed the attractiveness test this time (obviously I was sucking in my stomach like mad (this is what he especially objected to before) and it's still a horrid, horrid thing) perhaps this will improve things between us. Especially after my misinterpreted comment.

We have our 2nd CD session this Wednesday. We have them fortnightly. The weighing in a public place thing won't come up for a month apparently but I'm just not doing that in any case. R isn't bothered but as CDC said, she can probably get away with it. Charming.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Day 2 CD - struggling

I'm finding it really hard to get back to abstinence. It's being so hungry - coupled with the stress of being back at work with a vengence. I just have to put up with it I know this, but it's hard. No easier for having done it before either, unusually.

I've had a few more CD packs - the chocolate flavour bar last night which was not pleasant. Just about edible (and better than the LL ones with that dodgy white topping, bleurgh) but not the big treat I was hoping for. It might taste better after being in the fridge for a while I guess - and it might make good biscuits so I'm not abandoning it yet. And there are about 6 more bars to try so there may yet be a corker or two amongst them! I had a chocolate tetra for breakfast (a ready mixed shake) and it was quite nice - almost (with a healthy dose of imagination) like Frijj. And very convenient. I had it cold but I will try it hot too when I get my next fortnight's worth of packs. Then for lunch today I had the spicy tomato soup which was also quite nice - and lump free, hurrah! Another bar tonight.... Oh, I'm such a hedonist!

I have quite got used to people mentioning my weight now (in a nice way). Strange that it didn't happen until I lost 3st but now happens quite frequently. I'm learning to be gracious rather than panicking and brushing it off. I'm not perfect but I don't either rip someone's head off or run away - and this is progress!

A woman in my office asked me this morning how I'd lost weight as she said she needs to lose 5st (I'd have said more but hey). I don't actually like her but I felt that I ought to tell her to give her the chance to benefit as I undoubtedly have. I asked her not to mention it to anyone though. She has one of the worst diets of anyone I know - I used to sit near her and she really just ate alot of really nasty, trashy food. So on the negative side it might be quite a shock to her system but on the plus side I bet she'd have dramatic results. I told her about LL very briefly and said she should look at the website - this is as far as I'm prepared to go. I'm happy to chat to people but I really think this has to be something that you're ready to do - you can't be talked into it or press-ganged in any way.

I have to be on call tonight - it means a late night and an early morning tomorrow, irrespective of whether I'm actually busy or not, which is a bit of a danger point for wanting to eat (tiredness) as Mrs L will agree. But maybe by next week I'll be less inclined to eat anything that passes my path - ie I won't be so hungry (temptation will still be there I know).

Have a good weekend people out there in blog-land.

Thursday, 25 October 2007

Day 1 CD

Well, I'm back. And I'm HUNGRY. Today is the 3rd day on packs, but 1st day on CD packs. But I'll back-track a bit....

We had a wonderful holiday. And I put on 1/2st. I was okay with this as b/f said he usually reckons to put on a stone on holiday and so I was worried it would be that for me too (as it is he also put on 1/2st). I was careful-ish - I certainly didn't stint myself but I didn't go mad either. I barely drunk but there were a few set meals we had where I felt decidedly over-full afterwards, uncomfortably so. I enjoyed eating so much though! That's I really enjoyed eating, not I enjoyed eating everything in sight! The only thing I really, really resented was the night before we flew when it was too much money and effort to get to a Pizza Express (taxi ride to unknown shopping centre somewhere in Luton) and so we ended up eating in the hotel (Holiday Inn Express) where the food was DIRE. Really, it's shocking that there are still places dishing up that muck - Tesco economy range would have been healthier and tastier. The only thing I could find that wasn't deep-fried in lard was a vegetable lasagne and it was both slimy and tasteless. And really visually unappealling (which I guess kind of gave a clue as to how it would taste). But otherwise I loved most of the food in Turkey - Istanbul was surprisingly lack-lustre for food but Kalkan was fantastic (one duff meal but the local cats were made happy as a result). Sadly, our local GBK was not open when we got back so my salivating anticipation will have to continue (sorry Mrs L!)!

I started with some left over LL packs on Monday and on Tuesday I was due to meet my CDC. She was running a session at lunchtime in Oxford Street. I didn't want to panic about not being able to get out at lunchtime on my first day back in the office so I took that day off as leave too. So how annoyed was I when I got there to discover that she wasn't there. We nearly ended up in a bible class instead (so not my thing and judging by the lady who was taking the class, not a good tool for a slim lifestyle!)! I had to ring the CDC who - despite me emailing her on my last day in the office to say I wouldn't be in email contact until after the session, and to text any changes to me - had in fact emailed me whilst I was away to say that that session had closed! Grrrrr. And R (who absconded from LL with me) had met me on her lunch-hour and fallen over on the way to meet me so she was none too pleased either. The CDC put us in touch with another CDC who we met last night in Starbucks. Not ideal. He (and it's quite strange having a bloke do this job) was definitely lack-lustre but I'm not too bothered about that - I only need the packs and WI and the rest (support, success strategies, learning from failure etc) R and I can do by ourselves. But this has already fallen down - how do you do a WI in a cafe? He doesn't have a premises and R and I live in opposite directions in London so it has to be central. We both hopped on scales in Boots before we met CDC - but in boots and coats which made us both 9lbs heavier than our first-thing-in-the-morning WI at home so I'm loath to use this every week. He has portable scales but not really something you want to do in a Starbucks. So, not quite sure yet how to get round that one... And the goal weights he set (BMI 23) were a stone different (heavier) to the LL BMI 23 - strange. But again, I'm not going to let this bother me as I'm intending to go back to LL for RtM and Management.

Had 2 packs so far today (only 3 on CD remember) - chocolate orange (hot) and chicken and mushroom soup. The shake was okay - smelt lovely but had an odd aftertaste (metallic/powdery almost slightly fishy) which I believe you get used to and I managed to get it down so that was fine. The soup was nicer than either LL chicken or mushroom - it actually smelt strongly of stuffing (Paxo cheapo stuffing but I quite like that!) but it had socking great lumps in it. Strange, as I made it in the same way as an LL soup but maybe I just need a bit of practice. I have a bar for tonight (I'm at my mum's) which I have high hopes for as lots of people say they're really nice. And a ready mixed tetra for tomorrow (chocolate) which is useful as when I'm at my mum's it's always difficult to get a pack mixed up right.

And as of this morning on my home scales I had lost 6lbs of the 7lbs I had put on on holiday - hurrah! But it's hard today - I'm really hungry and the smack table is full of chocolatey treats. I went and got 2 chocolate crisps - and then gave them away rather than eat them myself. I wish I had a willpower of steel and a lean, mean un-hungry stomach. Amongst other things!

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Day 100 - still more munter than minx! Work in progress...

Day 100. I can hardly believe I've got here. The last few days have not been exemplary, with the smack table tempting me to the odd handful of popcorn or chocolatey treat. I really feel that the impetus from LL is long-gone - my LLC lost interest on day 91 and I've really struggled since that point. Which is feeble. On the plus side, it would be all too easy to just abandon it completely in anticipation, which I haven't done; I have persevered up to a point. This sounds like a litany of excuses, even to me. But I am giving myself some slight credit for not abandoning the packs completely and not being as hard on myself as I traditionally am.

I had put on 1.3lb on Monday - I hadn't expected it but was determined not to let it throw me into my usual fug of despondency. Overall I've pretty much stuck to it and I've lost 3st4lbs (maybe a fraction more when I do my last @home WI tomorrow morning). I'm (mostly) 2 dress sizes smaller and although - as I say - I don't feel slim (I'm not) or attractive, I know I look better than I did (well, dur!) and I will continue with weight loss when I get home again. My LLC was totally disinterested. I won't miss her at all! I LOVED your comment on this, Lesley! It would certainly be getting rid of I guess about 12st of superfluous weight, to paraphrase the joke!

Tomorrow we're off as far as the hotel at Luton airport (not glamorous but since our flight is at 6.30am!!!!!!! it's necessary to be as close as possible) and we're going to Pizza Express for dinner. Not sure what I'll do during the day, may well continue with packs actually as a damage limitation exercise! Pizza Express seems to be what passes for haute cuisine in Luton - I couldn't find any mention of any decent restaurant, it was that or Nandos (which b/f violently objected to). Pizza Express won't give any calorie content of their dishes! I emailed them too as there was nothing on their website! I have read in various newspaper articles on being lulled into thinking you're making healthy choices that you actually aren't, that a plainish pizza is actually better than one of their salads but given the whole carb thing, I'm not so sure that's going to be true for me. And I assume that this is counting the dough balls with the salad which I won't eat. So I think I am going to go for a salad after all.

Then we're off to Istanbul until Monday and then to a coastal town in Turkey for 10 days. I'm intending to eat but carefully, which is relatively easy in Turkey where alot of the meat and fish is BBQ'd with salads - they're not big on rich sauces etc (thank goodness we're not going to Italy, France or the US!). They do have lovely bread sometimes though - but on those occasion when I really can't resist I'll just have a little taster. Basically I don't want to wreck my holiday (and b/f's) by being uptight about food but don't want to totally wreck the weight loss I've had by going mad. It's a fine line I'm trying to walk!

And the other deviation to this is dim sum for lunch when we get back (it's a traditional consolation prize for end of holidays) and they're opening a GBK in our local shopping spot. I have been fantasizing about a decent burger since I started LL and then I read about GBK on Mrs L's website and I have pretty much been obsessed with it since then - I've never been there, only to Hamburger Union which is wonderful and GBK is supposed to be better! I guess it's that last supper thing again. Because on Sunday 21st it's back on packs ready to meet my CDC on Tuesday lunchtime (somewhat ironically) and pick up my first CD packs.

I know that hard-core LLers wouldn't approve of any of this but if I went on holiday and only had packs I would make myself and my b/f thoroughly miserable. In fact I think it would cause real damage to our relationship. I'm happy with my decision and am prepared to put on maybe even half a stone - and then knuckle down to losing it and more.

I hope that all the lovely people who kindly read this drivel have a wonderful 3 weeks - I look forward to catching up with peoples' stories when I get back to a computer on 24th.

Monday, 1 October 2007

Day 98

Off for our much pushed for and reluctantly given final WI tonight (and my profile pic that didn't come out). I'm pretty sure that I haven't lost any weight (because of eating my own body weight (considerable) in cake on Friday I assume) - at least, that's what my home scales show. So unless there's a sudden shift since this morning or before Thursday, I won't make my 3st7lbs revised goal. At least I didn't put on - or at least, not on my scales, eeek!

On the positive side, I didn't eat anything else on Friday - not a pack and certainly not any more illicit food. And today we had a team lunch out that I couldn't avoid and whilst it was at a lovely pizza place I had antipasti and salad - figuring that cold meat and rocket couldn't do too much harm. Of course, I really wanted the pizza with caramelised red onion and fried potato squares etc on! So, good for me.

I'm hoping to swop 4 packs for 2 each of the new bars but I'm not convinced my LLC will be very obliging. It would be useful though as I'm at my mum's tomorrow night and I never have time to make up a pack in the morning the following day before leaving for work. I'm still clinging to the 100 days ethos, even if LL don't seem to be!

I'll update tomorrow I hope.

Friday, 28 September 2007

Day 95 - total chaos

Well, although I've slipped up on LL, they've been pretty insubstantial slips (I mean, who but me would have a tragic binge on sugar free gum?!). Until today. Today would definitely come under the category of binge and I feel pretty ill. We've had the snack table of all snack tables (or as I mis-typed rather appropriately, smack table). Today is MacMillan Coffee Morning day. You bake (or bring in cakes if you don't do baking) and pay some money to MacMillan to eat it. I really wanted to bake something as my lovely grandpa and great aunt both died of cancer only a few years ago so I feel quite strongly about it.

It wasn't just the baking - I ate cake. I went mad. I went beserk. I went absolutely bonkers. I must have eaten more calories in the last hour than I've had this month, maybe in the last two months. I made a triple lemon cake (lemon sponge, soaked in lemon syrup, with lemon icing and crystallised rose petals on - sorry for the food talk but you can see how irresistable this is? Can't you?) Anyway, what I didn't do was resist - anything. I ate LOADS of different cakes - MacMillan will be able to pay a cancer nurse for a year on what I ate.

Now I feel shaky and sick (I'm quite sensitive to sugar at the best of times) but less regretful than I should be. I definitely feel that sense that things are beginning to ebb away (not fat regretfully, but the whole LL thing - and have felt that since my LLC lost interest around day 84) but am determined not to use this as an excuse to slide into bad eating as a prelude to the holiday. Today was a shocking episode but it will remain an episode. I will be back to the straight and narrow for the remaining 5 days.

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments - it really means alot.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Day 92 - the end of the beginning in sight

Thanks for all your comments - it's always lovely to read your thoughts on things. It's nice knowing there are people there out in the ether! I think the blogs especially, and Minimins too have been the real support for me through this not exactly easy process. By which I mean that the pychology of LL can be very tough, obviously the plan is simplicity itself - not much room for misinterpretation there.

And I can't quite believe I've got this far. I know I've still got a long way to go if I am to get to a healthy BMI but I've done the 100 days (or nearly), not perfectly but pretty well, it's a definite achievement. I've not let lower than average losses daunt me and I've slogged away at it even when I've only been holding on by my fingernails.

Last night was the last time I'll see most of my Foundation class. It felt quite sad - I really want to know what happens to them all. One girl (R) I see quite alot and is moving to CD with me, another (A) I really like and hope to keep in touch with although she doesn't have an officey job and so email contact is infrequent, another (R2) I email occasionally and yet another (K) I found out works very near me so I hope we'll go out for lunch. Yes, that would be lunch with no food! Almost everyone looks so much better than they did 13 weeks ago. There's only one girl who I don't think stuck to it any single week and so doesn't really look any different - not that I'm condemning, she was doing the 100 days for the second time on the trot and obviously had lost some weight the first time round and seems to be happy with that.

LLC was less hostile. She never bothered getting back to me about the bars and she didn't have them - but then she still gives us the old vanilla unless we specifically ask for the new one. The after photo in profile didn't work so I get my photos re-done next week at the pop-in on day 98. Result! I was never happy at having them done at day 84. It's funny, I can see a slight difference from the face on the facing shot one but I wouldn't say it's dramatic. But other people in class disagree. I can see it in others - I think it's easier to be more objective (and less critical) of other people.

I do now have a real clothes problem though. This morning I was almost late for work - trying to find something to wear that's not hanging off me (I failed). Now don't get me wrong, I'm very pleased that I'm smaller - soooo much better than trying something on that used to fit but is now too tight (soul destroying) - but it is an issue. I might have to do a quick dash to Primark and New Look tonight after work (for decency's sake although really I don't have the money or inclination). We can wear casual stuff this week but from next week we're back in office wear - okay, I'm only in a couple of days as I'm off on holiday, but hopefully I won't come back from Turkey and find that I've put on so much weight that all my old stuff fits again! I'm prepared for half a stone but I really am going to be sensible.

Oh, and I lost 3.7lbs last night (official WI). Bizarre since I'd eaten (birthday lunch - I was very sensible and didn't have what I wanted but what looked like the healthiest and carb-free version. Still enjoyed it too). Think I might make that 3st7lbs since my LLC now says I've lost 3st5lbs.

PS Pear tart - they gave me plum by mistake. Sigh.

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Day 87 - the great thaw

B/f came home last night in a much warmer and more affectionate mood. And this was before he saw the half bottle of champagne I'd stashed in the fridge for him for tonight (his birthday) and the nice bottle of wine. Then today I went dashing off to Paul (patisserie) to get him pear tart for his pudding. They didn't have it in Covent Garden so I phoned branches and have located a piece I'll collect for him after work.

B/f is still incredulous that I've gone 3 months without drinking. Not that I was a lush before but definitely an oenophile (I hope that's right (lover of wine) and I haven't claimed a love of something unmentionable!). I really do love wine and am not bad at the whole tasting/sniffing/slooshing thing. The next time I can see me drinking is Christmas - I don't think I will on holiday as they don't really do decent wine and I'm not that bothered by anything else. It is, as he pointed out, probably the longest I've been without drinking since I started drinking.

But I got on the scales today (as roughly halfway through the week) and they hadn't moved a jot. It's almost as if as soon as I set a goal that I thought I could reach, everything ground to a halt! I thought I was being philosophical but then I ate two cookies and a couple of chocolates from our snack table. I think it was mostly because of the tyrrany of the scales - and a bit because I know that tomorrow lunchtime I will be eating (sensibly) in a restaurant as an undercover dieter. Undercover as b/f's parents don't know I'm dieting. Not good enough. Were I wearing socks I would firmly pull them up.

Next update - Tuesday, post official WI and post next meeting with stroppy LLC. I hope she's decided to be more conciliatory - even friendly? I texted her to ask if she's got the new bars in but didn't hear anything.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Day 85 - good loss, bad day

On the positive front I lost 4.1lbs which is so much better - than, well, practically every other week! I don't know why but I'm pleased in any case. That takes my total weight at LL WIs to 3st1lb and I'd really like to make that 3st7lb for end of Foundation - and yes, I would be pleased with that. Obviously I'd miss my initial 4st target, but given how hard it's been for me and my fears that I might not even make the 3st, I'd be very happy with that.

But it was not a good day. My LLC was very aggressive with me and I felt quite taken aback. I think it was because we'd had to fill in a feedback form and under the title of negative things about the programme I'd put that I found the counselling disappointing. Now, this was me being truthful but polite. As it is, I think the counselling is downright shabby - reading from a sheet for 20mins max in a sing-song voice is not counselling (in my book). But she was definitely antagonistic when the whole issue of what we're all doing post Foundation came up again. I mentioned that I'd spoken to LLHO and that I understood that whilst she didn't accept people to RtM who hadn't done Development, it was possible. As my friend said afterwards, she practically called me a liar. She said I was wrong, no-one at HO would say that as it was wrong, who had I spoken to as it was wrong - on and on. I just said - politely - that that was what I'd been told by a very friendly and helpful person at LLHO but I'd call them again and clarify. I reiterated that this was a financial decision for me - since I still have quite a bit of weight to lose and generally slow losses I simply couldn't commit to an extended period at £66pw. I've tried to be pleasant about this (and certainly not mentioned CD as I thought that might enflame her) - but she still said at the end "So you are thinking of Development then" and I had to say again that I wasn't, I couldn't. I guess if she was fantastic I would keep going (and I'll certainly miss my group) but it would be a real financial strain. And as I feel the counselling is utterly inadequate, I do feel a bit short changed. As it is, I really don't want to go back next week if she's going to be this hostile. But of course I will - just makes it that much more uncomfortable. Anyway, I rang LLHO and managed to speak to the same person, who checked with her manager, and I can go into RtM if I do a 4 week Refresher course first (payment up front!!). BMI is not an issue at this stage and I guess it would be good to do this after Christmas if I'm at the right stage for that. With a different LLC!

Then the b/f was really stroppy with me. I don't think that the argument we had was actually anything to do with the diet - I'd clearly irritated him in some unknown way (he generally finds me quite irritating and I guess I may well be), then I told him about the spat with the LLC and he accused me of being mousey (he hates this). Then it ended up with him saying that I'd leaned on him too heavily during this diet and I should have spread it around my friends more, he found it too much. I was really hurt. I generally know that to get the best out of him I have to be all happy and positive, no matter how I feel inside, but it is exhausting at times. And because he'd reacted so positively to the initial very long talk we had when I wanted to go on LL, I have talked to him quite alot. Anyway, I felt hurt and rebuffed (I am over-sensitive) and quite astonished by this as I kind of thought in a cliched way that we were in this together. And as I say, this is where the argument went but I'm not sure it's the cause. He rang this morning and said "sorry for whatever I did" - the apology is nice but not the evasion of why I was upset. Ho, hum, I dare say it will all get sorted out - or more likely, kind of forgotten about. Roll on normality though.

Monday, 17 September 2007

Day 84 - update

I haven't updated for a week (as has been pointed out) so despite having so little to say I thought I'd let you know the latest.

Last week's official WI was 2.6lbs - I didn't even get upset, I've got so used to piddling losses that it doesn't disappoint or surprise me any more. It kind of pulls me down a bit but I know that I'm not going to give up so there's no point in throwing myself about in histrionics. I think grim acceptance and plodding on sums up my mood.

My LLC was pretty awful though. For a start, she told us that the final day of our 100 days would be, er, day 91! She doesn't do a class the following week as we should all be in Development and starting that, then she turned to me and said "I take it everyone's going on except I don't know about you Peridot". Well, she didn't say Peridot because that's not my name but you get my point! I explained that I couldn't afford to go on indefinitely, especially given my small losses but would like to go away, get to a good weight (didn't mention Cambridge Diet as I thought that might annoy her) and come back and do Management. She told me unequivocally and emphatically that this was not possible. I checked with LLHO and if you do Foundation you're entitled to do Management - they offered to speak to her but I don't want to do it with her in any case. May just drop it into conversation if I get an opening tonight though! LLHO were really good and sympathetic that people can't afford £66 pw indefinitely. She's just so rigid (LLC) - I think she struggles with any interpretation (which explains why she only reads out the counselling crib sheets in a sing-song voice and is unable to deviate at all) and is unable to think for herself. Strange. Sad. Bloody irritating.

I've been pretty good all week. On my scales at home I've now exceeded the 3st loss - not that this will necessarily translate tonight of course! It would be nice to think that I could make it 3st7lbs for Foundation, given that there are 2 weeks and 2 days to go (and I think I've lost 2lbs more than the 3st at this stage) but I know better than to expect such specifics. Still hoping though - clearly ever an optimist!

Two highlights of the week - got remeasured for bras. I thought that the ones I was wearing were okay but given that I know I've lost about 6" off my bust thought it was unlikely to be the same. It turns out that I've basically lost the weight around my rib cage (not that I have a rib cage yet - not visibly in any case!) but not off my breasts so my band size has gone down and my cup size up. Feeling very gripped by my new bra today! I can feel the difference - it's definitely better and gives me more of a waist (I think). The fitter had been on LL too so was very sympathetic (she's in Development and has lost 4st in 4 months). I tried not to go into a mad buying frenzy as I may very well go down more (I would have thought) but you do need enough knickers to get through a week! And I'm really not a rich girl. Hopefully I'll not outgrow them too soon so I'll get some use out of them. Annoyingly I had a brand spanking new set from Rigby and Pellar that I'd never worn (was saving them for a special occasion - dur), still with labels and now no longer going to fit me. I've put them on ebay though so let's see.

Secondly, I cooked up a load of apples with spices on Sunday - my b/f's mother gave them to us from the tree in her back garden - and put them in little foil containers (purchased specially), neatly labelled in the freezer. I found this enormously satisfying. I love the thought of using really good, home-grown produce to have on tap (or on freezer in any rate) for use during the winter - even though I'm sure I won't get any as I'll still be on this flipping diet! I guess it's that primitive hibernation instinct - and actually I'd love to hibernate, it's so cold today!

So given that I didn't have alot to say I've managed to witter on and on. Will try and post again tomorrow, post LL. We're having our 'after' photos done tonight - I would say 'during' photos as it's day 84, it's not 'after' at all. They bang on and on about 100 days and it seems to be a myth. Everything ends long before that. Final photos - day 84, final WI - day 91. Hmmmm, mythtifying.

Monday, 10 September 2007

Day 77 - ouch

Happy Birthday R! V lovely and excellent friend. She's been very supportive and empathises (despite being willowy she still 'gets it').

Managed not to implode on Friday - nor to eat anything else (including packs). I didn't feel any different so hopefully I didn't knock myself out of ketosis. Suspect my loss at WI tonight will be more than usually pitiful though.

Could have stabbed b/f who was eating Kettle Chips last night (pre-dinner snack) - I don't even like Kettle Chips, or plain crisps generally (too dull) but I really, really wanted them and was willing him to leave the room so I could grab one. There must have been an evil glint in my eye as he firmly moved them to the other side of him- away from me. I even considered licking the empty bowl afterwards (no shame, as you can see!) but he put it straight in soak! I do hope he can't read my mind or I'm in all kinds of trouble!

Had a tough weekend in some ways - I was on call and so ended up still working at 2am on Sunday morning and then getting calls at 6am onwards. So very tired - and I compounded this by finding it hard to get to sleep last night, and when I did I had nightmares so don't feel too rested. Then I forgot to take a laxative as planned on Saturday night (unsurprisingly) so took one last night as was - in need. Now have grim stomach ache and was late in to work this morning as I dared not leave the loo! Hopefully it will have - ahem - cleared me out though. Certainly feels as if someone's taken a dynorod to my insides!

On Saturday afternoon when work wasn't so busy I went through all my wardrobe, chucking things out that no longer fit me properly. I now have practically no clothes left! On one hand this is good as it shows some change, on the other it does rather leave me with the problem of what to wear - yikes! And as I'm broke, getting stuff to replace it seems tricky - double yikes! Put some beautiful stuff on ebay - was really sad to see some things go and had a look to see if anyone was selling a couple of the jackets and skirts in a smaller size (no).

Having said all that, we popped round to see b/f's parents who I'd not seen since I started LL. They didn't notice! And I know they'd say - they did when I lost a stone and a half on WW. Sigh. They did show us some photos taken of us altogether in May and I could see a difference in myself and that's the most important thing I guess.

Will update tomorrow after the class tonight.

Friday, 7 September 2007

The snack table strikes back

I am an idiot - a greedy, stupid, over-indulgent, self-destructive idiot.

We had such a big snack table at work this afternoon that we had to bring 2 more tables over. And I ate from it - after successfully ignoring it for 73 days. I had some cheese - brie and stilton, probably the size of a small matchbox and a half, one mini egg, 4 tortilla chips, 6 strawberries and an after eight style mint. I'm so annoyed with myself. There were things there - cake things - that I really wanted but stopped myself because I'm too scared to eat sweet stuff (although I did eat that mint). And why? I don't know. Did I think oh it's only a little bit of protein (the cheese) and it spun out of control from there? And then I thought I'd blown it and was in self-destruct mode? I don't know. It's my best guess. I feel quite panicky about it now - and despairing at the same time. I have 2 packs left today and I will aim not to have them in the hope of making up the calories. It's not ideal but it's all I can think of - I wish I had a hotline to Mrs L or Lesley for emergency advice.

And I still have that feeling that I don't like the taste of the last thing so I had better have something else to take that taste away. This is quite a common thing for me and can lead to hours of eating one thing after another, as unsatisfied with each thing (after I've eaten it) as the last. It's a strange, self-destructive spiral. I guess I'm looking to food for some sort of fulfilment that I can't possibly find. Don't know what.

Right. No more nibbling - it leads to more nibbling and ultimately to misery and self-loathing. Not a good way to start the weekend.

Day 74 - tactics (not tictacs which are different)

My work best friend, the lovely V, came up with a blinding idea how I can avoid the extreme illness I brought on myself on Wednesday. Yes, I know the ideal is not eating anything and I honestly will have that as my plan but if I'm absolutely going to cheat it's clear that sugar free gum/sweets is not the most brilliant choice. Not only because they're really not good for me but slso because I didn't even want them - just.... something. She suggested an apple. Now I love fruit and this would be fewer calories and I'd get some sort of goodness out of it - brilliant. As I say, I honestly don't want it to ever happen again but I feel better that I have some sort of emergency plan for that worst case scenario. And I thought that if not an apple, M&S do very small pouches of sliced melon or mango which would be even better. This thought makes me feel calmer and less self-flagellating.

I think Mrs L is right too in her comments. I find this whole diet concept exhausting and panicking because it's stretching into and eating into my future. I don't want to be doing this for ever - it's very much a means to an end for me. But I can't see the end - it's too far away and this depresses me. B/f is getting gloomy about still not being able to have friends round for dinner or go to them - whilst still being v supportive - and I think he needs to see an end to it too. Although the prospect of not shelling out £30 a week once I change to CD has perked him up a bit! That's why I think I have to put my back into it now and say by Feb/March that's enough. If I need to lose more then I do it a more sane and less intense way - and hope that won't be too much to lose then since it will be at a (even) slower rate. I find it hard not to look at it as an entirety but as 100 days, then a month, then another month etc etc Oh well, we'll see. I guess I can turn it over in my mind on holiday - but don't want to get too obsessed. And that's a hard line to walk because you rather need to be obsessed to manage this very radical change in your way of life.

Weekend is none too thrilling - on call midday Saturday to midday Sunday which pretty much knocks the whole weekend out. As long as it's quite quiet it is an opportunity to do lots of housework (boring but necessary) and hopefully photograph a load of clothes to put on ebay - I have nothing to wear and no money. We're going to b/f's parents Sunday afternoon to pick up my birthday present - they've not seen me since LL so I wonder if they'll notice (a colleague asked me yesterday if I'd lost weight as my 'face looked a bit thinner' - talk about damning with faint praise!). It will also be an obstacle course of dodging lots of food and drink that his mum presses on us - without offending her or saying why.

Thursday, 6 September 2007

Day 73 - oh dear

I cheated last night and I've sooo paid for it. I have to say on the scale of cheating it wasn't very impressive - I bought some sugar free Fruitellas and some sugar free M&S berry chewing gum. It was an awareness that I was going to flip out but wanting to minimise the damage that led to such an uninspired choice - rather than actually specifically wanting those things. Of course, the sugar free stuff has lots of odd artificial sweeteners in it (and can have a laxative effect which frankly wouldn't be a bad thing!) and I was so ill - I felt really sick, my stomach really hurt all through the night, was very distended and made dreadful noises and I had extreme, er, wind. Yuck, sorry! I don't think I will ever eat either of these things again and felt quite sick even as I was eating those last few gums (first few sugar free Fruitellas were lovely though, I have to say). I couldn't then face having my last two packs of the day and probably - as the sugar free stuff still does have minimal calories - this is just as well as I would have gone over my 500 calories. My jaws still ache from chewing up a whole packet of M&S gum tablets.

Two good things though. First, I normally have this bonkers reaction to feeling ill. I'll have something to eat, then think "Oh, I still don't feel better, I'd better try something else to eat" and this goes on and on - even if I feel worse and worse. Classic self-medicating (and crazy) behaviour. Yesterday, that instinct was still there but I firmly told myself not to be so utterly stupid. I had a Bouillon to try and flush all the sugar taste and some water and that was it. I couldn't even face any water flavourings as it was just too sweet.

Secondly, I was trying (in LL fashion) to work out what set me off. This mystified me for some time until I dredged out something I was entirely unsure about - and then the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I'd got it right. I went shopping after work last night - to buy some ballet pumps. I didn't buy them as I had had the idea of ballet pumps being ugly if you're anything other than Audrey Hepburn or similarly leggy, ethereal types, firmly put in my head by Gok Wan in his rather fabulous How to Look Good Naked book. I really do need some in-between seasons (reasonably comfortable) shoes that I can wear with work skirts and casual skirts alike but I tried them on and I could see that they DID make me look frumpy and dumpy and did my ankles and legs no favours at all (that Gok, he so wise). That's 3 times I've gone to buy them and not actually done the deed. Problem is I don't know what to buy instead. And this is true of clothes too. I can't believe that I am finding the concept of clothes so stressful - I think it's that I knew what sort of things I always bought and what to look for and now.... I don't.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Day 70

Official WI last night - 6.1lbs. BUT please bear in mind that was 2 weeks worth of weight. It's okay, especially given that I ate over my birthday weekend (sensibly and frugally but still very much not part of the LL plan) and the unfortunate cashew incident. And there was a starburst chew I hadn't confessed to (strawberry if you're interested - I would be!). This will shatter Lesley's good opinion of my abstinence!

I really haven't been that virtuous - nothing major, but there were the cashews, then a couple of weeks ago a small amount of dry roasted peanuts and 6 crisps (2 were tortillas - not sure if that's better or worse!) and I've had literally a shaving of cheese about 3 times. And the chew. And I say this ashamed of myself. I think it's been a reaction to the disappointment of my slow loss but that's not an excuse, just an attempt to understand.

I genuinely think if the weight was dropping off at 5lbs or so a week, the sheer high of that would carry me through. I've now lost in total 16.6 kilos, which is 2st6lbs. In 10 weeks. I think and hope that I'll make the 3st but I was hoping for more (and of course I'm still hoping it will be 12lbs if I can lose 3lbs a week.....).

Maybe I was too optimistic about this diet - I read blogs and postings on Minis and thought I could reasonably lose 4st in Foundation (whilst of course secretly hoping for more) and that made me feel dizzy with hope and excitement. I'm really not being ultra-competitive in comparing myself but I just want more for myself (or specifically, less!) and you do need some sort of yardstick to know what to expect - or I do. It's not going to stop me though, I do still keep going - a bit sadder, a bit wiser maybe but no less determined. And I don't know why this makes me sad - I really thought I'd be boyant. I don't want to find this so tough - emotionally or physically - but that's the way it is for me and I just have to deal with it as best I can (even if it irritates the pants off everyone - sorry though!).

BUT I've learnt nothing and am still setting myself up for a fall by hoping for another 12lbs (or even more!) in my last 4 weeks. I can't help it. Arggghhhhhh. Perhaps scratch the 'wiser' part!

Today is the baby shower. It's not at the Wolseley now as they couldn't take 20 of us. But as disappointing as that is, I think it will be easier to resist the creamy loveliness in a cafe on Piccadilly (Richoux) - and I think I can just order a pot of tea. If my colleagues don't mob me for it. I am armed with my best work friend (and cheerleader for the Peridot cause) to act as my own personal Jiminy Cricket of conscience and human shield. And before I started LL I had just bought a very nice John Rocha skirt - and then I bought it again in the sale, 2 sizes smaller. I have that smaller one on today. Still with a big top but it is progress. I will try and remember this when the scales let me down.

I've decided that I'm going to do LL/CD until Feb/Mar next year (with a brief break for Christmas) and at that point if I'm not where I want to be, stop, re-evaluate and think of alternative strategies. This is for my sanity, my relationship and our social life. I don't intend to abandon dieting altogether but I will look for a more flexible approach. But really of course I'm hoping I'm where I want to be by then anyway and this won't be an issue. Still optimistic then!

Monday, 3 September 2007

Day 69 - first WI tonight for 2 weeks

I am really, really nervous. Tonight is my first WI for 2 weeks (last one would have been bank holiday) and in a wierd way it felt like a break from the fear and tyranny of the scales. Every week I worry and worry that my efforts won't be rewarded - and I'm almost always right! I weigh myself every couple of days on my home scales (which seem to be less crazy these days - perhaps the heavier you are, the more stressed they get (know how they feel)!) and somehow that's less stressful and upsetting. But even they reckon I've only lost about 5lbs over a fortnight which clearly isn't great. And it's rarely as much on the LL scales.

And I'm being an evil bitch and getting really jealous and upset over all the posts on Minimins where people are losing a decent whack of weight each week - why can't that be me? I'm not so evil that I want them to be where I am but I DO want to be where they are. And it's really dragging me down. Yesterday I ate a small handful of cashews - in three mini portions of 4-6 each time - snuck out of the b/f's packet with extreme sly secrecy. I'm annoyed with myself and I think it was because I felt resentful that I am not having the success I had hoped for on this - which is absurd as my eating them has, of course, just made this even worse. Brilliant.

It's like my mood for the week is set by my official WI. And with one possible exception it has meant that I've felt disappointed and unhappy. I simply don't understand why this doesn't work for me like it seems to work for so many others. And that unhappiness pushes me back at wanting food - it's like some crazed vicious circle. I want to break out of it but I'm not sure that I can. What I CAN do is do everything by the book and do the best I can. What I can't do is make this be the magic wand it is for most people. It's not going to stop me doing this I hasten to add, it just makes it tougher.

And I felt embarrassed and sheepish about one of Cerulean's comments. It felt like it was aimed at me - but I'm sure it wasn't (not actually being the centre of the world!). She said - and I'm paraphrasing - that she was annoyed every time she read a 'oh poor me, I've only lost 1lb' comment and thought yes, but what else did you achieve this week? What did you learn etc? And this is a problem for me as I don't think I have learnt alot about myself. I've learnt that I love food and that my social life pretty much revolved around this - but that is not a good reason for being overweight. I've learnt that my main trigger for food is stress, closely followed by wanting to show myself some love - but I don't know what to do with that knowledge. I know that the lack of tools to help myself back in the real world (which feels like I will never be part of again as I move at snail speed - or that I will give up before reaching a reasonable weight) is not helped by an inadequate LLC who does not understand the counselling element and is therefore unable to make this part of the programme work. But I ought to be able to do this on my own in any case, I'm reasonably intelligent after all.

And as for the where-is-this-all-ultimately-going thought, it's a tricky one. I feel like a ship with no compass, no charts and no idea of where I'm going or how I'll get there - and no faith that I will ever get there. I think I have to set a time limit (say March) and if I'm still not there (at the magic 20-25 BMI) by then, give it up and accept that I did my best (and it wasn't good enough). I've already failed my first goal (to lose 4st in foundation) unless I lose in excess of a stone and a half in the next 4 weeks which seems impossible (especially given my slow progress to date).

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Day 64 - back to basics

Well, I'm now a year older. Something that's really only good if you're 9. I had planned to have chicken for lunch and steak and green salad for supper on my birthday. Then I realised I'd be out all day on Monday (Kew Gardens - very lovely) so it would be better to have the chicken the night before instead (and I could skip more packs that way - 4 over 2 days rather than 3 on 1 day). Then I'm afraid I thought I might as well add in Saturday.

So I had prawns and green salad on Saturday, chicken and cold salad on Sunday and steak (small) and green salad on Monday. I am pleased that I didn't go over the top - these meals should have kept me in ketosis (impossible to say for sure since I have no sticks and get hungry anyway whilst allegedly being in the big K) and I replaced 2 of the shakes with my small meal each night (so 6 in total). I didn't have any wine or anything sweet, not even fruit which I was really, really wanting (and had originally intended to have one perfect white nectarine). And my home scales have continued to show a downward (if painfully slow) trend so I think I managed the whole situation pretty well considering. Food tasted amazing! I didn't even want any dressing on my rocket, chard, chicory and celery as I wanted to taste every zingy green mouthful. I felt full but not in any discomfort or pain and although I did then want a pudding I was content that I had had a treat of some sort.

It felt sad not to go out to dinner, or have birthday cake or champagne or wine but I got through it (next year however.....!). It did make my birthday more flat than usual though - but there were other factors: no cards from my family, no presents as b/f is paying for holiday (except for 2 pretty necklaces from one of my two best friends and her daughter - thanks E and T), no special occasion to be treated to etc. I know, I should be too old to care. B/f wrote a lovely message in my card though saying I look better now than 10 years ago (we've been together coming up for 13 years). Sweet but I really must look at photos of my 20-something self to see if it's true. If it's not I'm not going to tell him though! He's not a prolific complimenter so I'm not giving any back!

So today it's back to packs. Separation has not made my heart grow fonder I'm afraid! But I'm gathering my determination to get through this end of the beginning stage. I'm trying to focus on the 100 days and finishing that the best way I can. Then it's holiday! Then I need to have sorted a CD counsellor for when I get back but other than that I shan't think about phase 2 yet. I'm an inveterate planner but I think I need to take this in chunks (bit like those chocolate shakes if you don't blend them enough!). I have a day off on Friday and am seriously thinking of going to the gym in our development. Well, it's not a gym, just a small, smelly, hot unventilated and un-airconditioned underground room with equipment. I'm anxious about all these horror stories of saggy skin (baggyness only being cute on Bagpuss - and even then apparently only Emily loved him and she's not my target market).

Friday, 24 August 2007

Day 60 - LL is everywhere!

I met a neighbour in the lift yesterday (we live in a flat). Dialogue:

Neighbour: Have you lost weight? Your face looks slimmer.....
Me (uncharateristically honest): I have a bit. Most people don't notice though
Her: Oh no, I can see it. Your face looks thin. Well, not thin but..... My sister has put me to shame, she's lost 4 stone
Me: Oh goodness, how did she do that?
Her: She's doing this thing called Lighter Life...
Me (interrupting AND being honest): Yes, that's what I'm doing
Her: Well, she's lost 4 stone in 16 weeks. But it just sounds so tough
Me: It IS tough! I'm only on week 9 but it's been pretty slow for me. Good for her though

And the other day I saw someone upstairs in our office vigorously shaking her LL shaker. Now, I've never known anyone do anything like this before (and I would have loved to have talked to someone when I was starting) but perhaps there are more secret squirrels like me. Not that waving your shaker about is exactly secretive - I suppose I wouldn't have known what it was before though. I am, needless to say, very jealous about the 4stone!

I'm sadly excited by news of new flavours. Two soups - broccoli and cheese and tomato and vague rumours of a new bar. They don't seem to be due until September and my 100 days is up in the beginning of October so I may only get a brief go at them. And I'm not that keen on the current menu of bars either.

After I come back from Turkey I am definitely going to go to CD. I just can't justify the money. It won't make much difference to me but b/f is paying £30 a week towards LL and it would free up that money. Not fair to keep him paying since at my snail pace god only knows how long this could take. Suspect I will lose the impetus if it goes on too long after Christmas though. To be in the middle of my BMI I need to lose another 4st 6lbs (by my scales). And I'm eating in Turkey (sensibly) so can expect to put on there. And over Christmas (going to allow myself that day off the diet). It feels like a prison sentence sometimes. Of course, by LL standards I should lose at least a stone by the end of Foundation (5 weeks) which should mean 3st something to lose afterwards, but given my current progress that seems unlikely.

I think that the new flavours for CD should give me a boost though when it will be hard to go back to it after holiday. But I like the LL bit of Minis! I've looked at the CD bit and I don't like it as much! Who says familiarity breeds contempt?! Still, this is not as important as getting through this as best and as long as I can.

Allegedly the weekend is supposed to be sunny (although I notice that the BBC weather site is already rowing back from more optimistic forecasts from yesterday). We're pootling tomorrow, walking on Sunday and going to Kew on Monday (hopefully). And there's the birthday eating experience to look forward to too! And the obligatory cakes for the snack table to think of for next Tuesday! Think I'll mostly be buying things I don't personally like (evil chortle)!

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Day 58 - heroic self control

As you know, after my measly loss this week my LL buddy and my mum both thought it might be an idea to add a small amount of protein to my diet this week in an attempt to kick-start my plodding metabolism (a la Cambridge Diet). As lovely as that sounds, I decided that a) I was too scared to try it in case I suddenly put on half a stone (knowing my luck) and b) was intending to have 2 chicken drumsticks and a small steak and green salad on Monday as it's my birthday so I'd pretty much find out then the effect on me then.

But last night in M&S Marble Arch I kept thinking about it. I went down to the food hall, thinking that if some chicken was less in calories than the 2 packs I was intending to have when I got in (I have a double shake in the evening) then where was the harm? I looked at a pack of 2 chicken drumsticks and the calories in ONE (large one) was I think 265 and I wasn't wholly certain that I'd be able not to eat the other one too. Nor was I certain that this was a sensible course of action (although a desirable one!) - what if I started mucking about with it regularly? After all, once I did this I can see how much more tempting it would be to continue - who wouldn't rather have a chicken drumstick than a pack? Well, okay veggies maybe. Even then though..... (joking). But then I trailed about, looking wistfully at cold hams and prawns (you can eat ALOT of yummy, juicy prawns for the same calories as 2 packs). But with heroic self control I left M&S empty handed. I felt quite sad about it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had better be given my just rewards for this....

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

Day 57 - Theory blown, sigh

Well, so much for the 'my body's finally got with the plan' theory - yep, we're back to measly weight loss. 2.8lbs. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And I'm worried about a possible pattern - I had 2.8lbs, then +0.7lbs, then 6lbs and now back to 2.8lbs. The 6lbs was good, the 2lbs bad and the + was atrocious. WHY can't I get this? I am more active, I drink loads of water, nettle tea, and am a very good girl. It's very, very depressing.

My LL group buddy had smoked salmon and scrambled eggs and a tiny piece of cake - and lost 5lbs! I'm pleased for her but it makes it even more gutting for me. She reckons I need to have a bit of protein to kick start my metabolism (and apparently CD add this in every 4 weeks for this purpose) and even my diet-nazi mother agrees. I'm reluctant to take the gamble in case it backfires on me but of course next Monday is my birthday and I've planned to have some cold chicken for lunch and a small steak with green salad for dinner - so we'll see what effect that has.

Thanks for all your comments guys, you are all both wise and motivating. Not decided what to do about the Wolsey. B/f reckons there's no way I could go and have the willpower not to eat - especially if people are saying 'oh look, you've not had a clotted cream scone yet, have one' -and I do tend to agree. I have a little time to decide - it's either go along and try and push food around my plate (and probably claim a nasty stomach bug or similar if anyone notices) or pull a sickie (I feel guilt even typing that!).

Lesley was asking why I'm so resistant to telling people. I know it sounds silly but I'd hate the attention and people looking at me and seeing if I look like I've lost weight, what I'm eating (or not - more precisely) and talking about me. I know this sounds paranoid but I work in a largely female office - most of them are young, fashionable and slim (well, all of them are slim). I can see them making approving comments to each other along the lines of 'about time' but not understanding where I've come from or how hard the journey is for me. So I hope you understand now. Either that or you'll think I'm mad!

Monday, 20 August 2007

Day 56 - Tea for 16 or so.

My office poses alot of problems! Firstly there's the daily struggle against the lure of the snack table (today: flapjacks, rocky road, chocolate cornflake cakes and chocolate - so far!) and then today the girls in my office are organising a baby shower for one (heavily pregnant) colleague. It's tea at the Wolsley. By which I don't just mean tea, I mean scones with clotted cream etc and finger sandwiches. Now as you know, no-one here knows about LL and I am now feeling very anxious about what to do about this. I like the mum-to-be and I'm all too often unsociable (I had to turn down a team meal out on a flimsy excuse recently which I could see didn't go down well) which isn't really on. But clearly I don't want to eat a clotted cream tea and sandwiches (well I do, but I know I mustn't), nor do I want to confess the real reason why I can't. I can only think of calling in sick that day - which is pretty shabby behaviour - or making some pathetic excuse along food poisoning lines or similar. Oh dear, what to do? Any help would be gratefully received!

And the b/f's lovely parents are taking us out to lunch on the 21st September. I've accepted that I will have to eat and will make wise choices and not eat much of that either. They also don't know about LL and I don't want to tell them, or hurt them by making some excuse. But I don't want to keep having to make exceptions - this is it, my lapse but a planned and controlled one and I'll pay for it by not doing Milk Week (no great sacrifice I admit). So what about the Wolsey? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. It's looking more like pulling a sickie - and I have such an over-developed sense of guilt I will inevitably make myself actually physically ill (migraine I expect)! And still feel guilty!

According to my admittedly eccentric scales I've lost 4-5lbs this week. I hope this is confirmed by WI tonight. If it is, I am hoping this is because my body has finally given up the fight to cling on to the fat and is now making up for lost time. This doesn't sound terribly scientific but who cares why as long as I actually am starting to get going on this diet (as I enter week 9!).

I am now fitting into smaller clothes and finding clothes a bit of a problem in finding stuff that isn't too big on me. The sizing thing still mystifies me though - I can fit into 3 sizes (although the one skirt that's smallest is fractionally snug and probably a generous size to boot). I assume I'm the middle size but what cruel trick of fate means that some larger sizes fit well too?!

We went out on Saturday and I actually felt slimmer and slightly pleased with myself - until I realised that to the outside world I am still a fat girl. Did deflate me a little but obviously increases the determination to plod on.

I am warily thinking about clothes for my holiday in early October. What size will I be? Will I have anything to wear? How will I get summer clothes, given that the UK shops have had winter stuff in since July? Which is not for the sensible reason that it feels like winter out there but just part of their bonkers cycle. I don't want to be over-optimistic and then disappoint myself if I don't achieve what I hope. But I do think this is going to be an issue. I suppose I'll have to wait until mid September then trawl the internet for sale items from the summer on the likes of Boden (and erm, can't think of any other mail order places). Better to have that as a problem than staying the same as I am now, or worse, putting weight on though! Which brings us back to the Wolsey....

Thursday, 16 August 2007

Day 52 - thoughts

As I have commented on Mrs L's most excellent blog (, I'm re-reading The Perfect 10 by Louise Kean. It's chick-lit but it's fascinating because it's about a girl who has lost 8st (or thereabouts) and how the world treats her differently. It's clearly semi-autobiographical as the author went from a size 24 to a 12 in a year (mostly through exercise as far as I can work out). Now (very) clearly I'm nowhere near at the slim end of my journey but I can identify with the mixture of hostility and contempt that Sunny (the heroine) refers to in her 'fat life' - and the fact that as she says, (and annoyingly I can't find the bit to quote from) that she suddenly becomes visible when slim, despite taking up half the space she did when fat (and seemingly invisible). She talks about strangers hissing insults at her ("fat bitch"). I wouldn't be surprised if every person on LL has experienced some of that malice. And then it sounds like people are also experiencing another sort of hostility from 'friends' who clearly have alot invested in them being overweight and can't help a few bitchy comments and snide digs. Why do we work so hard to make other people feel bad? Does that make anyone feel good? It shouldn't. When my friend lost weight on the divorce diet, despite the fact that it made me feel uncomfortable about my own weight problem, I congratulated her, complimented her and buried my jealousy really deep inside so that it never made her suffer. God knows I'm no paragon but surely you'd be pleased for your friends' triumphs? Surely you wouldn't try and boost your own self-esteem at the expense of another's?

A few weeks ago there was some spurious medical research widely publicised in the media, saying you should avoid having overweight friends as it somehow 'rubbed off'. What rubbish. And what nasty, malicious, narrow-mindedness. Fat-bashing seems to be one of the few prejudices that's still socially acceptable (apart from ginger-bashing - and yes, I am a redhead too!). You'd never say to someone that you weren't prepared to be their friend because they were too poor, too badly dressed or from the wrong social/ethinic background to be aspirational for you.

And some poor girl on Minis was actually told by a so-called friend in an oh-so-humourous way that she couldn't be her friend any more as she didn't want to get fat too, referring to these reports.

I think - like any prejudice - that it's all about fear. Almost every person has the capacity to be fat and they know it. But you don't catch it like herpes, people. Perhaps people should put their effort into being the best person they can be (on the INSIDE too - we're so obsessed with appearances over everything else) and not looking to criticise others.

Okay, that turned into a rant and now I need to go and calm down lest I do some rude person an injury on the rush-hour tube! See you all on Monday (I'm having a fun-packed day cleaning the flat tomorrow!).

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Day 50 - half time

Alas, if only I were allowed to suck orange quarters (do they still do that? Probably not, they're on on vile Sunny D nowadays) as even that would be rather exciting at present. I may go wild and have a celebratory orange water flavouring. I know how to live, oh yes, hedonism-r-me.

I've had a tempestuous 50 days - not a roller coaster as I've mostly been down. But I have high hopes for the next 50! At WI yesterday I had a good loss - 6lbs. Okay, it's not enough to clear the deficit I've built up so far in terms of not losing the 3 1/2lbs a week I should be, but after the previous week where I put on almost a lb, it's a whole other place to be and I like this place so much more! I'm cautiously pleased without wanting to set myself up for a fall again if next week reverts to pathetic trend. If however, I have another 6lbs loss next week (or near enough) I will officially be ecstatic. You've never seen me like that - so be warned!

I had such a rotten Friday too. It was my lowest ebb since starting LL - and we're talking looooooooooooooooow. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself after missing out on all the cheese (and bread, biscuits and other enticing nibbly bits) in the office on Friday, then went to my mum's where she'd cooked some amazing smelling garlicky, chilli prawn pasta dish for herself and b/f. I sat at the table and it was all I could do not to sob. B/f offered to do me a soup but it actually felt more of an insult than having nothing. They had to coax me into having a pack which I finally did very sulkily at 10pm. I am so sorry for them as each mouthful must have stuck in their throats with me being so pitiful and pathetic. Was back there the next day though and watched them eat homemade quiche and salad with apparent equanimity (inwardly it was a seething mass of jealous flavoured emotions) for lunch. I think it was the 2 things so close together - resisting cheese and all his cheese-related friends all afternoon and then going back to watch a gorgeous meal being eaten under my (hyper sensitive) nose.

The meeting was still pretty frustrating though - the counselling really is inadequate. The discussion is the best bit but the LLC tries to minimise that - to get back to her script, delivered in a bright sing-song voice, as though we're sub-normal toddlers. I've been thinking a bit about post-100 days and what I'll do when I get back from holiday. I find the expense quite difficult and I don't feel I'm getting value for money to make this more palatable (this experience seems to be exacerbated in Development from what I hear) so I think I might go and do CD until I'm at target (if that's even possible - I'm not sure) as it's cheaper and apparently their packs taste better but then I'd like to go back to LL for Management. Not sure it's possible but they want my money so they may take me back. Only thinking about it vaguely at the moment - I have a long time to decide - but one of the girls from my group would be up for doing the same with me. She has less to lose than me and has better success in dropping more significant amounts of weight - but keeps cheating big time (we're talking McDonalds and Haagan Daz ice cream parlours amongst others!) so we may be more evenly matched as we go forward unless she really knuckles down. I hope she does for her sake. It's not an easy ride so why prolong that longer than you have to?

Friday, 10 August 2007

And there's more angst where that came from

Can I just say that I really don't like the person I've turned into on this diet. I want to be one of those people who feel bursting with health, that the weight is dropping off and consequently they feel happy, energised, motivated and excited about their future. There seem to be many of those people on Minis and I envy them - I'm happy for them but I really do envy them too. I don't want to be grumpy and unhappy and anxious and envious. I want to feel that every time I miss out on some delicious food opportunity it's worth it because I can see such an improvement in the way I look (and feel too but to be honest (and shallow) I'm principally doing this because I want to look good).

I'm hanging in there though, I still have a flicker of hope (that I'm almost afraid to acknowledge) that at some point - hopefully soon - it will all click into place and the magic will work for me too and I won't be that child with her nose pressed against the window, watching the others on the inside and hoping to be allowed in to be with them and to be like them, one of them.

Day 46 - Frantic bid for weight loss

I can honestly say I've done everything I can to help myself to a good WI on Monday. But still I have no faith (which according to wise LLC is the sole reason the weight isn't just dropping off - v scientific that). I have walked in every day, I have an active weekend planned, I have drunk 6l of water every day, I have drunk 2 cups of nettle tea every day (bleurgh!), I have taken lots of water flavourings and added in psyllium husks. Given my poor results over the last 3 weeks though I am looking at 9 1/2lb loss needed to get back on track for the 1st a month promised. I didn't lose that in my first week so it seems very unlikely. And with the exception of the tea and husks - none of this is new.

I have to say that my rings are tight today though. They have been slightly loose so possibly there's something in the theory that I'm retaining water - but this is with the extra water and the pond-water tea. I'm so anxious about all of this that it's seeping into my whole life. I have heard anxiety makes you slim but in that case I should be having to eat cream cakes to keep weight on! And that would be dreadful. Ahem.

Today in my super-greedy office we are having a cheese and wine afternoon. Cheese is something that I've really missed - although not something I was fixated on before LL. I bought some Colston Bassett stilton from Neals Yard Dairy (the best Stilton from the best cheese shop ever!) as my contribution and could weep at the prospect that I can't taste it. I've told them that my mum is cooking dinner for me and the b/f tonight so I mustn't go there full up. Of course, she is cooking dinner - but for b/f, not me. And she's made him one of her amazing homemade quiches for lunch since he's over there slaving on her garden on a day's leave today (bless him). I don't like shop-bought quiche (or anything pastry-y) but my mum's quiche is sublime. But I have mushroom soup - wanna swop?! Will be worth it if I can actually lose the f**ing 9 1/2lbs - that's what I keep telling myself. Will next get a chance to update this blog after the next WI, week 7, halfway through. Think of me.

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

And ANOTHER thing

Aka another moan!

WHY do I have all the rubbish side effects of this diet - weary, weak, headachy, constipation, possible bloating now too, but not the good ones - energy, clear skin and weight loss?

Day 43 - Bad to worse

I can't even post on Minis as I don't want to discourage people who are doing well - at WI last night I had PUT ON 0.66lb. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Typically my LLC was no use whatsoever - she said perhaps it was TOTM, I told her that was last week, so she said "oh well, perhaps it still is, it can really mess up your cycle". Then she said it wasn't much - hello? What part of not 3.5lbs off but 0.66lbs on do you not understand? That makes it a deficit of nearly 4.5lbs in my book. Then she said it was down to negative thinking. I don't know how I didn't rip her head off. I follow the diet (I drink the water and I take the packs and I don't eat) and I expect it to yield results - it's a question of science not mysticism. And actually I expected to lose 5-6lbs minimum to make up for my previous poor results in the last 3 weeks.

A friend in the group rang her aunt who has done LL and is a source of much wisdom and she can only think I'm retaining water. I don't feel as if I am - clothes not tighter, ankles not puffier - but will try ANYTHING. I've bought nettle and fennel teas and psyllium husks to try and address any water retention and I know I'm still, er, bunged up. I was trying to get Mrs L's recommendation of Solgar p husks but nowhere sells them and now drastic measures are called for and so I've had to buy Holland and Barrett (I know their stuff is not supposed to be very good but it's the best I can do in terms of immediacy). I don't think this could equal 6lbs+ though so I don't think it's an explanation - and I cannot think of an explanation. I am perplexed and very very upset. I find this diet hard but I do it - but what is my motivation now?

Yesterday I was at a briefing where there was a mound of soft, chewy double chocolate chip cookies. I had to resist them for about 3 hours. I actually wish I hadn't - at least if I had eaten one and put on the weight I would know why and knuckle down with increased vigour. As it is I feel bewildered, cheated and miserable.

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Day 38 - not imploded in a mess of tears and self-pity

Firstly, thanks so much to Lesley and Mrs L - I know you really understand and that means alot.

Yes, still here, still LL-ing. I am just going to go for it and hope for the best. B/f was very sympathetic when I arrived home so upset (and subsequently) but wondered if I've set my goals too high. I don't think I did, I tried to be realistic but realistically I guess I know that I'm unlikely to achieve them - in the time frames I set (and maybe not at all). I am trying not to think too far ahead now but just deal with each day as it comes. If I don't lose 3st minimum in Foundation I know I will be disappointed but I'll see what happens and not let this fear dissuade me from doing my best.

Tuesday, 31 July 2007

Day 36 - how many tears in a lb?

Because I must have shed enough to take my weight down last night.

It was the WI at the end of week 5 and it's now inescapable that I'm not averaging enough weight loss to achieve the 3st in 100 days, far less the 4st goal I'd set myself. To make 3st you have to lose on average 3.5lbs a week. My losses are steadily falling and are now below 3lbs - next week on this trajectory could be about 2lbs and I can't bear to think any further than that:
End week 1 = 7.7lbs
End week 2 = 4.1lbs
End week 4 (inc week 3) = 6.5lbs
End week 5 = 2.8lbs

I went in to this because I saw an ad for LL talking about a "guarantee" of 3st in 100 days and that gave me confidence to make this massive change. When is a guarantee not a guarantee? When it is, in fact, an average. Which means I'm balancing out all the people with fantastic losses - which is great for them but very sad for me. And when I say sad....well, I started crying on the way home last night and pretty much kept going until 11pm. I've heard all the platitudes - 'you couldn't have done this another way', 'at least it's coming off' (and variants thereof) - but I actually find this diet very very hard every single day and I can only cope with that if I feel I'm achieving something. I'm going to carry on for the 100 days but it's with a very heavy heart and the knowledge that I'm likely to achieve about half of what my goal is. And that's after a week where I'd really upped my exercise levels and hoped to see a pay off for that too. Have to go now or I'm going to start crying again in the office and I'd hate that.

PS My LLC was basically hopeless - a whole raft of platitudes but no practical help and she got quite narky about the metabolism point that my specialist made. Still believe him over her and her handbook. Still, she's so bad at the counselling that I can't expect much in that way from her. I'm sure she does her best.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Day 29 - beginning of week 5

Had WI last night and lost another 2lbs - that's 7lbs in 2 weeks so at this rate I'm only just meeting the "guaranteed" 3st in 3 months. And I really want to lose 4st (or hey, more than that would be great too!). With this in mind, and in the rare event of a rainfree morning, I walked c2.5miles in to work today. I have been feeling very weak and listless but it was fine and I'm determined to do this when it's not raining. I'm trying to entice someone from my class to walk back a bit further (c4 miles) a couple of evenings a week - if she's not keen I suspect I could enviegle b/f into it. And all this depends on the weather - so not wildly optimistic! I had a look at the long range forecast and apparently it may stop raining in mid August!

We looked at reasons for eating last night. We had longer than normal for our counselling - about an hour. But it's not very good quality. The LLC (whilst nice I must emphasise) just reads out what's on her printed sheets from LL - in a voice that you might use to read a bedtime story to a small child. You don't feel she really understands what she's saying and it means that it's less of a discussion where you engage fully. So I try (in true nerdy eager style) to really try and think about the themes myself, separately. I definitely eat when I'm stressed - have had two occasions recently where I was longing to (my brother's permanently crying baby and a bad day at work) and found it really hard not to. But whilst I can recognise that I find it harder to work out what to do - yes, I didn't eat but I would still want to in a similar situation. Also, to treat myself - esp if b/f is out - I think out a nice menu which usually ends in chocolate eclairs. That would be 2 eclairs because that's how many there are in a box. And I also eat when I'm mildly unhappy (but not utterly miserable strangely), fed up or bored too. So whilst I have the self awareness to recognise this I'm not quite at the point where I know what to do about it other than not eat - a bath is not going to do it for me by the way. Know lots of people go for this but I'm not interested in this as a treat. This is something that I hope will unravel with time.

The other thing I've been thinking about is clothes. I'm finding the whole concept is beginning to get quite stressful. I would describe my style as 'damage limitation' more than a choice and I'm aware that if I am successful I will have to think again. I read Gok Wan's How to Look Good Naked avidly and picked up lots of tips but it still makes me anxious and stressed to think of trying to put it into practice. Why? I don't know, but it really, really does. I also find the whole sizing issue bewildering. I have a range of skirts, all the same size, some are practically falling off me and others are a bit too snug - what's that about? How are you supposed to know what size you are? I suppose it's the move from finding things that are "good enough" in that they cover me, are nice colours and a reasonable shape to conceal me, to actually having to be more discerning and having more choice - taking me out of my comfort zone (and I'm never good at that). One thing I am looking forward to though is buying a swimsuit for our holiday in October that isn't some ghastly matronly thing (you KNOW what I mean). I hope I'll be a couple of sizes smaller by then.