I am really, really nervous. Tonight is my first WI for 2 weeks (last one would have been bank holiday) and in a wierd way it felt like a break from the fear and tyranny of the scales. Every week I worry and worry that my efforts won't be rewarded - and I'm almost always right! I weigh myself every couple of days on my home scales (which seem to be less crazy these days - perhaps the heavier you are, the more stressed they get (know how they feel)!) and somehow that's less stressful and upsetting. But even they reckon I've only lost about 5lbs over a fortnight which clearly isn't great. And it's rarely as much on the LL scales.
And I'm being an evil bitch and getting really jealous and upset over all the posts on Minimins where people are losing a decent whack of weight each week - why can't that be me? I'm not so evil that I want them to be where I am but I DO want to be where they are. And it's really dragging me down. Yesterday I ate a small handful of cashews - in three mini portions of 4-6 each time - snuck out of the b/f's packet with extreme sly secrecy. I'm annoyed with myself and I think it was because I felt resentful that I am not having the success I had hoped for on this - which is absurd as my eating them has, of course, just made this even worse. Brilliant.
It's like my mood for the week is set by my official WI. And with one possible exception it has meant that I've felt disappointed and unhappy. I simply don't understand why this doesn't work for me like it seems to work for so many others. And that unhappiness pushes me back at wanting food - it's like some crazed vicious circle. I want to break out of it but I'm not sure that I can. What I CAN do is do everything by the book and do the best I can. What I can't do is make this be the magic wand it is for most people. It's not going to stop me doing this I hasten to add, it just makes it tougher.
And I felt embarrassed and sheepish about one of Cerulean's comments. It felt like it was aimed at me - but I'm sure it wasn't (not actually being the centre of the world!). She said - and I'm paraphrasing - that she was annoyed every time she read a 'oh poor me, I've only lost 1lb' comment and thought yes, but what else did you achieve this week? What did you learn etc? And this is a problem for me as I don't think I have learnt alot about myself. I've learnt that I love food and that my social life pretty much revolved around this - but that is not a good reason for being overweight. I've learnt that my main trigger for food is stress, closely followed by wanting to show myself some love - but I don't know what to do with that knowledge. I know that the lack of tools to help myself back in the real world (which feels like I will never be part of again as I move at snail speed - or that I will give up before reaching a reasonable weight) is not helped by an inadequate LLC who does not understand the counselling element and is therefore unable to make this part of the programme work. But I ought to be able to do this on my own in any case, I'm reasonably intelligent after all.
And as for the where-is-this-all-ultimately-going thought, it's a tricky one. I feel like a ship with no compass, no charts and no idea of where I'm going or how I'll get there - and no faith that I will ever get there. I think I have to set a time limit (say March) and if I'm still not there (at the magic 20-25 BMI) by then, give it up and accept that I did my best (and it wasn't good enough). I've already failed my first goal (to lose 4st in foundation) unless I lose in excess of a stone and a half in the next 4 weeks which seems impossible (especially given my slow progress to date).