Day 74 - tactics (not tictacs which are different)

My work best friend, the lovely V, came up with a blinding idea how I can avoid the extreme illness I brought on myself on Wednesday. Yes, I know the ideal is not eating anything and I honestly will have that as my plan but if I'm absolutely going to cheat it's clear that sugar free gum/sweets is not the most brilliant choice. Not only because they're really not good for me but slso because I didn't even want them - just.... something. She suggested an apple. Now I love fruit and this would be fewer calories and I'd get some sort of goodness out of it - brilliant. As I say, I honestly don't want it to ever happen again but I feel better that I have some sort of emergency plan for that worst case scenario. And I thought that if not an apple, M&S do very small pouches of sliced melon or mango which would be even better. This thought makes me feel calmer and less self-flagellating.

I think Mrs L is right too in her comments. I find this whole diet concept exhausting and panicking because it's stretching into and eating into my future. I don't want to be doing this for ever - it's very much a means to an end for me. But I can't see the end - it's too far away and this depresses me. B/f is getting gloomy about still not being able to have friends round for dinner or go to them - whilst still being v supportive - and I think he needs to see an end to it too. Although the prospect of not shelling out £30 a week once I change to CD has perked him up a bit! That's why I think I have to put my back into it now and say by Feb/March that's enough. If I need to lose more then I do it a more sane and less intense way - and hope that won't be too much to lose then since it will be at a (even) slower rate. I find it hard not to look at it as an entirety but as 100 days, then a month, then another month etc etc Oh well, we'll see. I guess I can turn it over in my mind on holiday - but don't want to get too obsessed. And that's a hard line to walk because you rather need to be obsessed to manage this very radical change in your way of life.

Weekend is none too thrilling - on call midday Saturday to midday Sunday which pretty much knocks the whole weekend out. As long as it's quite quiet it is an opportunity to do lots of housework (boring but necessary) and hopefully photograph a load of clothes to put on ebay - I have nothing to wear and no money. We're going to b/f's parents Sunday afternoon to pick up my birthday present - they've not seen me since LL so I wonder if they'll notice (a colleague asked me yesterday if I'd lost weight as my 'face looked a bit thinner' - talk about damning with faint praise!). It will also be an obstacle course of dodging lots of food and drink that his mum presses on us - without offending her or saying why.