Friday, 7 September 2007

The snack table strikes back

I am an idiot - a greedy, stupid, over-indulgent, self-destructive idiot.

We had such a big snack table at work this afternoon that we had to bring 2 more tables over. And I ate from it - after successfully ignoring it for 73 days. I had some cheese - brie and stilton, probably the size of a small matchbox and a half, one mini egg, 4 tortilla chips, 6 strawberries and an after eight style mint. I'm so annoyed with myself. There were things there - cake things - that I really wanted but stopped myself because I'm too scared to eat sweet stuff (although I did eat that mint). And why? I don't know. Did I think oh it's only a little bit of protein (the cheese) and it spun out of control from there? And then I thought I'd blown it and was in self-destruct mode? I don't know. It's my best guess. I feel quite panicky about it now - and despairing at the same time. I have 2 packs left today and I will aim not to have them in the hope of making up the calories. It's not ideal but it's all I can think of - I wish I had a hotline to Mrs L or Lesley for emergency advice.

And I still have that feeling that I don't like the taste of the last thing so I had better have something else to take that taste away. This is quite a common thing for me and can lead to hours of eating one thing after another, as unsatisfied with each thing (after I've eaten it) as the last. It's a strange, self-destructive spiral. I guess I'm looking to food for some sort of fulfilment that I can't possibly find. Don't know what.

Right. No more nibbling - it leads to more nibbling and ultimately to misery and self-loathing. Not a good way to start the weekend.

1 comment:

Such A Pretty Face... said...

I hope you get through this weekend, I don't really have any good words of advice but please don't be too hard on yourself, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.