Friday, 28 September 2007

Day 95 - total chaos

Well, although I've slipped up on LL, they've been pretty insubstantial slips (I mean, who but me would have a tragic binge on sugar free gum?!). Until today. Today would definitely come under the category of binge and I feel pretty ill. We've had the snack table of all snack tables (or as I mis-typed rather appropriately, smack table). Today is MacMillan Coffee Morning day. You bake (or bring in cakes if you don't do baking) and pay some money to MacMillan to eat it. I really wanted to bake something as my lovely grandpa and great aunt both died of cancer only a few years ago so I feel quite strongly about it.

It wasn't just the baking - I ate cake. I went mad. I went beserk. I went absolutely bonkers. I must have eaten more calories in the last hour than I've had this month, maybe in the last two months. I made a triple lemon cake (lemon sponge, soaked in lemon syrup, with lemon icing and crystallised rose petals on - sorry for the food talk but you can see how irresistable this is? Can't you?) Anyway, what I didn't do was resist - anything. I ate LOADS of different cakes - MacMillan will be able to pay a cancer nurse for a year on what I ate.

Now I feel shaky and sick (I'm quite sensitive to sugar at the best of times) but less regretful than I should be. I definitely feel that sense that things are beginning to ebb away (not fat regretfully, but the whole LL thing - and have felt that since my LLC lost interest around day 84) but am determined not to use this as an excuse to slide into bad eating as a prelude to the holiday. Today was a shocking episode but it will remain an episode. I will be back to the straight and narrow for the remaining 5 days.

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments - it really means alot.


Mrs said...

Aha! So this was what you meant when you posted on mine about seeing food and eating it. Well, an esteemed professor has said you are not alone; only a super hero could have said no.

Although, how you baked a cake, I really don't know!!! Was that helpful to you?! Really?

The more I learn and the more I go on, the more I realise that yes, I must live WITH food but that I don't always have to put myself in the firing line, as it were. I don't need to make things deliberately hard (for myself). Next year, honour your loved ones without torturing yourself.

Where are you with the next stage? Have you found a CD counsellor you like?

Big kiss! You'll be fine post-cakegate!

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxx

Lesley said...

Aaaargh! it's a nightmare isn't it? You're right to put it behind you though and keep looking forward. I hope the CD counsellor is better than your LLC and hopefully you will be able to keep your (slightly slow but nonetheless impressive) progress going forward.

It's all about learning as Mrs says. Next time, put a donation in the tin and go for a walk!! easier said tahn done but we all have to make sacrifices.

Lesley x