Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Day 70

Official WI last night - 6.1lbs. BUT please bear in mind that was 2 weeks worth of weight. It's okay, especially given that I ate over my birthday weekend (sensibly and frugally but still very much not part of the LL plan) and the unfortunate cashew incident. And there was a starburst chew I hadn't confessed to (strawberry if you're interested - I would be!). This will shatter Lesley's good opinion of my abstinence!

I really haven't been that virtuous - nothing major, but there were the cashews, then a couple of weeks ago a small amount of dry roasted peanuts and 6 crisps (2 were tortillas - not sure if that's better or worse!) and I've had literally a shaving of cheese about 3 times. And the chew. And I say this ashamed of myself. I think it's been a reaction to the disappointment of my slow loss but that's not an excuse, just an attempt to understand.

I genuinely think if the weight was dropping off at 5lbs or so a week, the sheer high of that would carry me through. I've now lost in total 16.6 kilos, which is 2st6lbs. In 10 weeks. I think and hope that I'll make the 3st but I was hoping for more (and of course I'm still hoping it will be 12lbs if I can lose 3lbs a week.....).

Maybe I was too optimistic about this diet - I read blogs and postings on Minis and thought I could reasonably lose 4st in Foundation (whilst of course secretly hoping for more) and that made me feel dizzy with hope and excitement. I'm really not being ultra-competitive in comparing myself but I just want more for myself (or specifically, less!) and you do need some sort of yardstick to know what to expect - or I do. It's not going to stop me though, I do still keep going - a bit sadder, a bit wiser maybe but no less determined. And I don't know why this makes me sad - I really thought I'd be boyant. I don't want to find this so tough - emotionally or physically - but that's the way it is for me and I just have to deal with it as best I can (even if it irritates the pants off everyone - sorry though!).

BUT I've learnt nothing and am still setting myself up for a fall by hoping for another 12lbs (or even more!) in my last 4 weeks. I can't help it. Arggghhhhhh. Perhaps scratch the 'wiser' part!

Today is the baby shower. It's not at the Wolseley now as they couldn't take 20 of us. But as disappointing as that is, I think it will be easier to resist the creamy loveliness in a cafe on Piccadilly (Richoux) - and I think I can just order a pot of tea. If my colleagues don't mob me for it. I am armed with my best work friend (and cheerleader for the Peridot cause) to act as my own personal Jiminy Cricket of conscience and human shield. And before I started LL I had just bought a very nice John Rocha skirt - and then I bought it again in the sale, 2 sizes smaller. I have that smaller one on today. Still with a big top but it is progress. I will try and remember this when the scales let me down.

I've decided that I'm going to do LL/CD until Feb/Mar next year (with a brief break for Christmas) and at that point if I'm not where I want to be, stop, re-evaluate and think of alternative strategies. This is for my sanity, my relationship and our social life. I don't intend to abandon dieting altogether but I will look for a more flexible approach. But really of course I'm hoping I'm where I want to be by then anyway and this won't be an issue. Still optimistic then!


Sandra said...

I think you've got to be careful about the weight of expectations (no pun intended). It can put quite a lot of pressure on and if you have food issues and a tendency to use food for comfort - this can backfire.

I have also compared myself to others. Lesley and I are the same height and started our LL journeys at exactly the same weight. She lost 5 stone in foundation and I hoped to do the same. I think when I started that way of thinking I really came off the rails. Now, here I am, I still haven't lost 5 stone and it's been 6 months. All down to me and my own self-sabotage...

It's a strange journey - we are all on a similar road but you've also got to keep the blinkers on and focus on your own process. That's what I think anyway.


Lesley said...

It all sounds very virtuous to me - and I'm really pleased that you got over 6lbs off!

You sound resigned and determined which is maybe not the same as I was - buoyant and constantly excited - but it may help you tackle the tough times better than I did too. I got carried forward on a tide of exhileration which is exactly what you wanted but, when that stops, it is hard summoning the resources to resist temptation. You're doing the hard work now and will find it easier later.

Well done for sticking it out and don't apologise for being honest - think how much your experience may help someone else struggling with similar issues?!

Hope the hen party goes well. It'll be tough I guess but the smaller skirt should help!

Lesley x

Lesley said...

Hi there. I've just read your comment and wanted to say - you're spot on! I've been thinking it through and where the others are pretty close, you've got it spot on. It's the desire to "win" the argument which leads him to use the tactic he knows will work. Except it doesn't work so well now.

Also, added to that is another shift in the power balance between us with him getting another promotion and the differential between our salaries getting even bigger. That doesn't bother me but is a big thing to him - him big man, me little woman stuff. I think he just wanted recognition for it and when I didn't deliver it he lashed out as you've identified. Not very edifying and not very impressive of him but understandable now.

He's not getting away with it and to be fair to him, a day or so later he sees how unfair it was. Whether he'll stop doing it in the futue I don;t know. It's less frequent than it used to be.

Life's not perfect is it??

Thanks for taking the time to comment - it helps to know that you're not alone and that someone really understands.

Lesley x

Mrs said...

Hi Peridot

One thing that I have learnt (only now!) is that I have a tendency to keep thinking big (looking at the WHOLE of Management and freaking out) rather than focusing on the smaller chunks.

I wonder if you are doing the same - projecting forward to the WHOLE of LighterLife, ALL of your total weight loss and then using it as extra pressure when your body doesn't conform?

Just a thought; well done for being honest. You're doing great - the smaller clothes prove it.

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxx