Friday, 29 June 2007

Day 4 - come on ketosis, don't be shy

STILL feeling hungry. I don't think it's as bad though so either I'm getting numb to it or ketosis is slipping in gradually, which is not what I expected. I have had freezing feet in the evenings (and hands to a lesser extent) which I was hoping was a sign I was going into ketosis but given that June is the new winter, is not necessarily the case!

Psychologically I haven't found it as hard as physically (although I'm still amazed and impressed with myself that I resisted all those chocolate eclairs yesterday - they're my favourite sweet thing! And today there's muffins, cookies, doughnuts and cakes on our snack table and everyone had fish and chips for lunch, sigh). I had a mini revelation yesterday though; I had just left work and was feeling pretty fed up (it had not been a good day) and walking past Tesco Metro when I had a knee-jerk desire to go and treat myself (to some yummy food obviously!). I realised that my way of giving myself some care has been to eat something (undoubtedly) calorific. Clearly not a good tactic. Now I need to find some other thing to replace food with. At the moment I'm thinking a magazine or bunch of flowers (the latter of which is less available than chocolate of course!) for that instant fix.

My next milestone will be getting through the weekend - traditionally a time devoted to food! I never drank during the week (or rarely) but Friday night was G&T and wine time and possibly a takeaway, and Saturday and Sunday nights we'd have a nice meal and good bottle of wine, either with friends or just us. I'm thinking of going to the cinema (fortunately I don't suffer the mental torment over popcorn that some of the bloggees I read do) - my only concern is whether I'd last two and a bit hours without going to the loo!

Thursday, 28 June 2007

Day 3

Well the end of the working day is not too distant - and I'm hungry! This hunger (sometimes quite extreme) is not going yet but I'm hanging in there waiting for the magic of day 4 to whisk me away to happy ketosis land. I'm impressed by my notoriously feeble willpower though - on our snack table today were more chocolate eclairs than I have ever seen in one place before - and I didn't have one! Okay I felt a bit sulky about it but I resisted! I reckon I'd have had 2 before the rigours of LL. I so deserve a decent loss on Monday - for that alone.

Otherwise I am doing better in making up my shakes. I can't say I really enjoy them but I am trying to educate myself not to think of them as food and therefore pleasure but as fuel and thus a means to an end. And they're okay - I was worried I wouldn't be able to stomach them. So really I'm lucky!

I don't think I'm really doing a good job in spacing my packs out due to my (pathological) need for secrecy at work. I'm having one at c7.45am before I leave for work then one around 2pm at work (surreptiously on the floor above) then I one when I get in c8pm and another at 9.15pm - and obviously the last 2 are rather close together. But it's the only way I can think to work it although for the meeting on Monday I'm going to have to come up with another plan as I won't get home until 9pm and won't be able to fit in 2 packs before bed. But I also don't want to have one too close to my weigh in (might have to seek the advice of the wise Minis on this one).

The other day I was eating my soup upstairs and someone from my office appeared - "That's not a lunch" he said reprovingly as he tucked into lasagne followed by a cake followed by a pastry (really!). Quick as a flash I said "I'm not feeling too well and soup is all I fancy". What a lie! What an inspired lie! At this rate I will be an unabashed mistress of deceit - bwah ha ha ha.

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Day 2 - or half way through it

I'm finding this really really tough. All those people who say they found it easy - are they lucky or do they forget how hard it was (like childbirth!)? I'm so hungry - from about an hour to two hours after a pack until the next one I'm so hungry that I can't think about anything else. I also have a headache today (which is not that unusual to be honest) and I feel floppy, shivery and rather sorry for myself. I know I have to just grit my teeth and endure but that doesn't make the enduring process any easier. I'm amazed about the side effects - if that's what they are - as I wouldn't have said I had a carb heavy diet before.

I'm still having problems with making up my packs. This morning I chucked the caramel one in the blender with water and coffee powder - that didn't work. I think you have to make a paste before you put it in the blender as I ended up with lumps and powder around the base of the blades and had to faff about with it. I've also found that the 150-200ml of water LL say you should use is NOT enough - I'm going to use a scant mug to measure it in future. So, I guess I'm learning all the time! I've also now had vanilla and caramel with coffee (both pleasant-ish) and chocolate as a hot chocolate (not great but I think I used too much water here so as I've factored in a hot choc every evening I shall see if it's any better tonight). I've had the mushroom and Thai Chilli soups - both okay, mushroom a bit better I think. I've got chicken for lunch today (roll on 1pm) and will have vegetable for supper tonight. Then I'll have tried all the flavours I intend to try - don't like strawberry proper milkshakes or ice cream so don't think I'll like the LL version, and I'm dubious about raspberry although I may get brave later on.

I was talking to the b/f last night about the fact that the recipes all seem to be for microwaves rather than conventional cookers and he suggested getting a microwave. We've always been a bit sniffy about them and we don't really eat convenience food which is when they really come into their own but I would like to try dumplings, crisps and biscuits! All LL bien sur. He's being very sweet and supportive - long may it continue!

We have a snack table at work - yesterday it was mercifully rather bare but today it is loaded with all kinds of delicious and forbidden goodies. My colleague just offered me a crisp and it was all I could do not to snatch the packet from him - beating him off with a stick if necessary. I know I'm doing the right thing and in the long run I'll be pleased but the long run seems rather too long away just now.

If anyone does read this they are probably sickened by my poor little me act (or poor not little me actually!). All I'd say is that they're probably right but it's hard to give myself a shake and talking to. I'll be bouncing back soon though. Please.

Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Day 1

Last night was my first meeting. It was okay - nothing mind blowing but I have read on other blogs that it takes a while for it to get going. We mostly did weighing, photographs and measurements. Ironically I'd lost 3lbs since my intro session - clearly a diet where I eat exactly what I want to is the way to lose weight! This is where I've been going wrong! I wish, nah, clearly a fluke - not that I'm complaining. We did the lemon visualisation and the power of thought and that was it. I can't make the pop-in as I'm working so I'm a bit fed up about that.

I had my first pack this morning - hot vanilla with a spoonful of instant coffee. I thought that because it was hot I wouldn't need to shake it up (our LLC said it would explode!) and tried to make a paste with cold water and then add boiling. It was really lumpy and grainy looking so in the end I dumped the lot in the liquidiser which did the trick and it was okay - a slightly strange after taste but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I've also had 2 litres of water already but I'm starving! It's tough feeling this hungry but on the plus side it provides extra motivation for not cheating (wouldn't want to go through this again!). Just to make it extra special my TOTM is due tomorrow and I have period pains today - and I woke up in the night feeling really sick! As I may have said, I never do things by half!! Still, I was glad I felt sick before the pack as otherwise I would have worried that the pack was the cause. It ought to make things easier not eating but somehow I'm also starving.

So I'm trying to hang on in there for another hour before having a mushroom soup. I'm a bit worried that I won't be able to make it smooth and unlumpy. Perhaps I'll be so starving by then that I won't care! Then I'm intending to have another soup tonight for supper, and a hot chocolate before bed.

Lovely boyf had written "really yummy" in thick marker pen on my vanilla sachet this morning - it make me laugh. He's really positive and keen and is also saying he's going to use the opportunity to eat less himself (clearly I usually force feed him!).

I was remembering an episode from my past which really sums up how you are treated when you're fat. When I was at school (and slim) I used to often get the bus home with a boy in the year below - he was always very friendly and charming and attentive and I thought we were friends. About 5 years ago I bumped into him in a taxi queue when I was with a friend (and had probably put on c5 stone) and he did that eye flick thing and proceeded to ignore me and talk to my friend. When he did look at me it was with disdain. And yet I was the same person essentially. I'd like to lose the weight and be looking by best and bump into him again - I'm quite sure he'd be all charming but this time I'd treat him with the disdain he deserves (and I never did).

Friday, 22 June 2007

The Last Supper. Again.

I heard from my LL Counsellor (LLC) last night. In fact, she's probably quite scared of me as I appear to have been stalking her! I got the magic text to say that the group is on for Monday night! My period of limbo is coming to an end and by this time next week I'll be on Day 4. So we'll do the last supper ritual again this weekend and I'm hoping for a new me pdq.

If worrying was an Olympic sport, I would be representing Great Britain. So already, churning uneasily at the back of my mind are anxieties like 'will I like the other people in the group?', 'will they like me?', 'what if I hate all the foodpacks', 'what if I'm the first person that this doesn't work for?' (what with my superhuman powers of accumulating and hanging on to fat - I mean, why? Other people have talents like, I don't know, playing the violin or being a whizz at maths (shudder), why is mine the relentless clinging on to blubber?). So I suppose it's really that I've invested so much hope in this already (not to mention woman-hours on blogs and minimins etc) that I'm frightened that my last chance saloon will in fact be a waiting room to more internal recriminations, pain and self-loathing.

Tuesday, 19 June 2007


It's hard to wait. Actually I find it hard to wait for just about anything. But I have learnt one thing - whilst I was away (see posting yesterday which weirdly doesn't seem to come up on the page unless you click on June or 2007) I did have several chocolate bars as a last chance type of scenario. They didn't taste as good as I was expecting - all that denial of avoiding them and when I do have them it's a bit of a disappointment! I have to hold that thought through my 100 days. Sadly, the same is not true of wine or the chocolate eclair I had!

I have read that it's best to up your water and cut carbs as preparation - and I guess if you're in limbo like me at least that's doing something. But it's hard not to try and enjoy favourites whilst there's still time (I'm guzzling nectarines which at least can't be too bad). Oh well, 6 days to go to my first meeting (I hope......)

Monday, 18 June 2007

Feeling put out

Today was to be the day I went to my first LL session after a week away walking (more of which later). I arranged my shifts at work accordingly and we shopped for food just for my boyfriend on Sunday - and lots of water for me (as boyfriend said when we got to the water aisle - "And THIS is your aisle - go mad"). Then I picked up a message on my mobile yesterday from my LL counsellor to say that she hadn't had enough of the medical forms back and the class would be delayed a week. I was so psyched up that I feel quite upset about it. And I really wanted to get going - we want to book a holiday but I don't want to go until after the 100 days. I'm planning (at this very early stage) to eat healthily and frugally on holiday but not on packs - and be resigned to putting on some weight and coming back on to the plan but psychologically I wanted to complete the 100 days before then. And I'm not convinced that the class will go ahead next week - so we can't book that holiday (which is also a big motivating factor) and it's getting late in the season. It's also alot to ask of boyfriend to be THAT supportive - to be unsure of when (if?) his badly needed holiday will happen. Sigh. I know this is whingy but I feel pretty fed up.

Walking holiday was lovely - if a tad soggy. I didn't think we'd walk more than 7 miles a day but due to all stiles and footpaths in Gloucester being very overgrown and wired up (and having to hef a solid Labrador over the majority of them!) we walked 13 miles on our first day - that's half a marathon! We were all very weary (that's me, my mum and her uber gorgeous chocolate Lab) and I couldn't help noticing that the number of calories I burnt (my pedometer measures this) was 3.5 food packs! We walked every day - usually c8 miles at a time and some very hilly walking in the Forest of Dean which was beautiful.

I do love walking so hope to do alot once on LL (if I ever get on it) once the initial weary phase is over and hope that I will have the energy to do reasonable walks. At the moment boyfriend and my social life revolves around food - dinner parties, going out to dinner or even just cooking a lovely meal at home at the weekend - so walking is something we can do that doesn't need to involve food. In fact, I can only think of this, the cinema and "picnics" (ie Sunday papers by a lake - food for boyf and pack for me) - if anyone else has good ideas of nice stuff we can do together that would be great.

Whilst I'm full of admiration for Lesley and her mammoth runs - I couldn't run to the end of the road so walking will be my exercise I think. I quite often walk 2.5 miles along the Thames Path into work - well, I did, but not that often recently.

In the meantime I guess I just have to keep hoping hard for LL to start next week - and try not to feel too flat (or fat!) and demotivated in the meantime.

Thanks for comments on my blog to Karen and Lesley - nice to have the good wishes and support. Boyf is v supportive but this is before the reality of the inconvenience to him of this kicks in - in the past he's said some pretty brutal things about my weight (under the guise of honesty) and is blunt about my not being attractive to him like this so I think he's fixating on the prospect of a slim girlfriend and doesn't realise the slog along the way.

Thursday, 7 June 2007

LL Day minus 11

This weekend, after much talking it through with my mum, best friend and boyfriend, I decided to commit to LL. I feel exhilerated I guess - a mixture of fear and excitement. It was bizarre really, I read about LL but wasn't giving it serious consideration - until I woke up abruptly at 3am determined to do it! I guess my subconsious was working away somehow.

I've been unhappy about the way I look for a very long time and have tried numerous diets in the past - problem has been that I lose weight so slowly that I see little return for my investment of misery and denial and get discouraged and fall off the wagon. I'm hoping that LL will really change that! And so I'm excited. But I'm frightenend that it won't - and I'm a real foodie (not trash but I love good food - and wine, god, I'm going to miss wine) so that will be tough. And fruit - I LOVE fruit and summer is obviously the best time for that. Oh dear. And I do see a weight specialist who finds me very interesting - he tells me with the enthusiasm of a specialist that my body has evolved to hang on to fat in case of famine. This is less exciting for me! I'm hoping in a battle of wills between me and my stuck-in-the-stone-age body that LL will be the weapon to ensure I triumph. I'm not asking for Elle McPherson - I'd be happy as a size 14.

I went to one introductory LL meeting last week but the counsellor at her own admission didn't do the full session with us (the counsellor said that she didn't have time to show us the DVD which made me a bit uneasy and I decided that it might be a clue that I wouldn't really get on with that counsellor). And after practically STALKING another counsellor who never got back to me I tried for a third and I'm glad I went again - the DVD was very motivational and the counsellor seemed very sensible and pleasant. The only other girl there seemed too slim to be there and wanted to lose weight for her wedding - I know she can't have been but it made me feel a bit self conscious at the contrast. I'm signed up to start on 18th (and am already worrying that it won't happen - there won't be a sufficient number to start or something) but I am obsessed at the moment with LL and spend too long reading people's blogs. Hope I don't peak too soon!

Next week I'm off on a walking holiday (nothing dramatic, 5-8 miles a day I would guess) and then first Monday back at work I'm starting what I really hope will be a postively life changing experience. I have support where I need it (my boyfriend is paying half the fee for me, bless him) but I don't want people generally knowing which will lead to some tricky situations at work. I work with alot of girls (young, slim, fashionable, glamorous - nightmare!) who I'm sure will notice I'm not eating and those packs are not exactly discreet! And we generally have a snack table groaning under chocolate, cakes and sweets about an arm's length away! But I am planning some sly and sneaky evasion stories to try and keep the spotlight off me. Any ideas for more of these gratefully received.