Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Posts are like buses...

...nothing for ages and then 2 in one day (well, strictly speaking it's now tomorrow but you know what I mean). It's just that I won't be back at a computer now until next week and wanted to get the diet/food stuff down now. So to speak.

It's mostly bad with a scant smattering of good. Bad first - my sugar obsession is back and rampant. Today I have had a big Quality Street (purple), a pack of M&Ms (peanut - when I'd got so hungry I was shaking), a pack of M&S chocolate brazil nuts, 4 Lindors from the smack table, a mini Gu chocolate pot and 4 pieces of dark chocolate with raspberries. It's possibly a slightly worse day than normal but I could do worse damage than even that. I wake up thinking about chocolate. Even I know that's crazy. And I have not had the guts to weigh myself (although in other ways I have far too much gut to weigh myself). My clothes do fit but more snugly. And if I carry on like this they soon won't. Which will serve me right of course.

On the not-really-mitigating-at-all side, I have kept the exercise up although I still hate it (and running in the dark is so not fun. Or the light to be honest but there is something that makes me even more resentful about tearing myself from my bed in the dark). I don't eat such large portions of food at meals - I've recognised that I can eat far less. Of course, my sugar demon muses over cutting down food even further to eat more chocolate. And I mostly keep away from bread, rice etc Would say carbs but chocolate is clearly a carb. I'm eating less fruit too - again, when balanced against more chocolate this really loses any impact.

I don't want to go back to LL. I've got some packs saved for emergency post Christmas treatment - about 10 days' worth - but don't want to get permanently back into that. If I could control or eliminate the chocolate (and occasional diversionary forays into cakes and sweets) I think I'd be doing okay but I cannot work out how to do this. Other than to acquire will power from somewhere. Every night I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be better. It hasn't been. I can't go back there - the photos from the GCW were such a disappointment because I thought that for the first social event for ages I wouldn't feel that kick of shame and self-loathing when I saw photos. But I still looked fat - even after all the work and sweat and tears. Do I feel bitter? Yes, a bit. And a bit confused. I know it's my fault though, I could have been under 10st by now and in that mythical, perfect BMI - as unlikely as that sounds and feels. Surely I wouldn't still look fat then? Maybe. Who knows? Don't think I'll ever find out. But I'd soooo settle for a smallish 14 (despite November's Marie Claire talking breathlessly and squeamishly of the bravery of women who try to be happy even though they are as huge as a 14 (gasp) - yeah, thanks for that MC, nearly blew a gasket in rage) but think I'm a standard 16 again.

Off to Aldeburgh for a long weekend. Walking and eating - bliss, I'm afraid. Won't be eating so much chocolate though as will be with b/f. Maybe this could start getting me out of this dreadful and deepening rut. Any other ideas would be welcomed with fervant anxiety.

Mind the gap

It's been a while, I know. Thanks for the comments - I think 6 is a personal best! I tend to think that no-one reads me so it's really nice to know you're all out there. It's nice to feel part of a gang (in a non-Asbo kind of way)!

So a quick catch up on all things Peridotty.

Great Chav Wedding - grim, grim, grim. The bride came up the aisle to DJ Sammi, the tables at the wedding breakfast were named after cheap booze (Archers, Cinzano, Baileys) and we all got a miniature of said booze as a wedding favour (mine was Cinzano - I ask you, does anyone even drink this any more?), my new sisters-in-law are the roughest, orangest women I've ever seen - short on clothes but big on make-up. Bright, tight dresses (one with unfortunate ruching) bare orange legs and very high shoes. In fact, all the female friends were like it too. I really stood out - I'd channelled Dita von Teese in that I embraced my very pale skin and went for a late 40s look (the 1940s, not that of a 40 something woman!) and red lips.

The father of the bride (who looks like Pete Beale but more florid and louder) was drunk by his speech, insulted my brother and went on to start a fight (we'd left by this point). The mother of the bride was scary. All the photos were of the Chav and her family (possibly a blessing since I am not photogenic and the only couple of photos of me I saw (taken by other members of my family) showed me looking disappointingly fat) with none of us. The children stole the show but cried because they were so cold. The bride's dress was okay - very tight with a massive fishtail all around her like a podium and alot of rhinestones, but otherwise okay. She didn't speak to any of us! And Lily (my mother's gorgeous chocolate labrador) got very very bad kennel cough and was having what I called yak attacks - where she was phlegming all over the carpet in the rented cottage so we had to get back, she was quite unhappy (as you would be).

Work is manic though - hence my silence. And whilst I was away they've promoted a rank amateur to be my line manager. I quite like him as a person but he is WAY out of his depth and is asserting his authority by throwing his weight about and being patronising. I was very unhappy about it - and still am but am kind of avoiding him. So I have no support. Am applying for other things though.

On the bright side, my best friend R is pregnant which is lovely, longed-for news and Naughty R is engaged. Go the Rs! They say things come in 3s so I'm waiting for more good news. And I wouldn't mind at all if I were the subject!

Diet - I have to run as I'm on call tonight so this will have to be a WHOLE other post. It's just such a complex issue that I can't just quickly dash something off. It's still a problem. I feel pulled down by it - I am SICK of thinking about it. And sick of ignoring it whilst I sneakily eat chocolate too. I wish I was one of those people who can't eat if stressed, upset etc though - but I am the opposite.