Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Posts are like buses...

...nothing for ages and then 2 in one day (well, strictly speaking it's now tomorrow but you know what I mean). It's just that I won't be back at a computer now until next week and wanted to get the diet/food stuff down now. So to speak.

It's mostly bad with a scant smattering of good. Bad first - my sugar obsession is back and rampant. Today I have had a big Quality Street (purple), a pack of M&Ms (peanut - when I'd got so hungry I was shaking), a pack of M&S chocolate brazil nuts, 4 Lindors from the smack table, a mini Gu chocolate pot and 4 pieces of dark chocolate with raspberries. It's possibly a slightly worse day than normal but I could do worse damage than even that. I wake up thinking about chocolate. Even I know that's crazy. And I have not had the guts to weigh myself (although in other ways I have far too much gut to weigh myself). My clothes do fit but more snugly. And if I carry on like this they soon won't. Which will serve me right of course.

On the not-really-mitigating-at-all side, I have kept the exercise up although I still hate it (and running in the dark is so not fun. Or the light to be honest but there is something that makes me even more resentful about tearing myself from my bed in the dark). I don't eat such large portions of food at meals - I've recognised that I can eat far less. Of course, my sugar demon muses over cutting down food even further to eat more chocolate. And I mostly keep away from bread, rice etc Would say carbs but chocolate is clearly a carb. I'm eating less fruit too - again, when balanced against more chocolate this really loses any impact.

I don't want to go back to LL. I've got some packs saved for emergency post Christmas treatment - about 10 days' worth - but don't want to get permanently back into that. If I could control or eliminate the chocolate (and occasional diversionary forays into cakes and sweets) I think I'd be doing okay but I cannot work out how to do this. Other than to acquire will power from somewhere. Every night I go to bed determined that tomorrow will be better. It hasn't been. I can't go back there - the photos from the GCW were such a disappointment because I thought that for the first social event for ages I wouldn't feel that kick of shame and self-loathing when I saw photos. But I still looked fat - even after all the work and sweat and tears. Do I feel bitter? Yes, a bit. And a bit confused. I know it's my fault though, I could have been under 10st by now and in that mythical, perfect BMI - as unlikely as that sounds and feels. Surely I wouldn't still look fat then? Maybe. Who knows? Don't think I'll ever find out. But I'd soooo settle for a smallish 14 (despite November's Marie Claire talking breathlessly and squeamishly of the bravery of women who try to be happy even though they are as huge as a 14 (gasp) - yeah, thanks for that MC, nearly blew a gasket in rage) but think I'm a standard 16 again.

Off to Aldeburgh for a long weekend. Walking and eating - bliss, I'm afraid. Won't be eating so much chocolate though as will be with b/f. Maybe this could start getting me out of this dreadful and deepening rut. Any other ideas would be welcomed with fervant anxiety.


J said...

Hi P
Missed you ! Once again your posts resonate so strongly with me. Particularly the wish I couldn't eat when stressed and the sugar/carb addicition generally.
Yesterday though I didn't binge on evil things for the first day in a very long time so Im hoping I've begun to break the cycle - just pissed off it took a gain of nearly 2 stone first!!! grrrrr
Very impressed you manage to keep up the exercise too - I do all good or all bad - balance remains illusory for me.
Wasn't Marilyn Monroe allegedly a size 16? I'd be quite happy with that! But I appreciate it's all about how YOU feel! I am sure however that you don't look as 'fat' as youthink you do - good luck with it all xxx

Lesley said...

Did MC really say that??! Bitches.
Well, that explains why I stopped reading their rag even though it was the only half intelligent on on the market.


You'll get there miss, try and take it one day at a time. Don;t think you can solve it all in one big hit. Baby steps.

Lesley x

Lesley said...

Hi there Peri. It's been good hearing from you on my blog. How're you getting on though? Any nearer to finding a plan? I know from experience that it takes a while for one to to filter through when you're at the "must do something" stage.

Good luck chuck.

Lesley x