Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Christmas is coming, the Peridot is getting fat...

My clothes that were getting too loose to comfortably wear are now getting too tight to comfortably wear. And this is scaring me. Which is making me want to comfort eat. Which has absolutely not one jot of sense, logic or self-preservation.

It's not even my heart ruling my head. Every atom of me knows that eating too much chocolate is a bad idea but I sort of skirt round the issue in my head and have it anyway. And then spend each evening solemnly promising myself that tomorrow will be different.

One day I bought a pack of medjool dates to distract me from eating chocolate. It worked but I ate 14 dates instead. Not convinced that actually WAS any better for me. I felt ill afterwards too. Deservedly so of course.

And feeling those feelings of self-loathing swamping me again makes me want to buy clothes in an attempt to make myself feel better about myself. You can see that this idea is doomed to failure already, can't you. The hole I've created with chocolate can't be filled with either chocolate OR clothes (especially with the way I'm looking now). I know that this hole can only be shrunk (don't think it will ever be filled) by getting slimmer. Why can't I join all these insights together to form a resolve to stop me eating myself back to fatdom?

I am still runing - and REALLY resenting that that isn't enough to stop the lard piling on. I've moved inside to our complex's 'gym' now it's so cold and dark at 6.15am and the park is not always open (running up and down the road is even less fun). I have to stare at a wall in the 'gym' and my radio doesn't work down there (it's in the basement) - and I get all giddy when I get off the treadmill - but it's interesting monitoring my speed and trying to push it up. I should have gone yesterday and today but I've had such a bad headache and so little sleep (not through anything fun) that I have shirked. Walked in 2+ miles today instead - just far enough to burn approximately 12 calories and make my hair kink unbecomingly. So worth getting out of bed for I am sure you will agree.

And I'm keeping a grip on not eating too much fruit - surprisingly hard for me. And possibly negated by the chocolate eating thing in any case. I'm also trying to eat smaller portions (and would refer you again to the chocoate eating thing completely making a mockery of any other attempt of righteousness). I have c12 days of LL packs, ready for New Year but I really don't want to go back there full time. My plan was:
Breakfast - 0% fat Greek yoghurt, stewed fruit, few flaked almonds or porridge
mid morning - handful nuts
Lunch - soup or a salad
mid afternoon - portion fruit
evening - soup or salad or non-carb alternative
If you look very closely at this sensible (I think) menu you will see the word 'chocolate' written in very small letters between every line - and sometimes every word.


Claire said...

Blimey there's some beating yourself up there! Is there any reason behind the chocolate? Are you stressed about stuff? If so, can you do anything about it?

If there isn't any reason then are you just on a spiral of 'I ate chocolate, I hate me, I'll eat chocolate'?

Just seems to me that there's more behind this and if you sort that you'll sort this.

But you did write about it in a quite funny way though if that makes you feel any better? I like the chocolate between every line..or word!

Lesley said...

Yeah - I tend to agree with Claire about the beating yourself up thing. Have you tried a thought record when you're tempted to eat choc? I know they're a pain but I have found the rigor of working through one quite therapeutic and the threat of having to work through another if I eat more, also deters my lazy ass!!

As ever, very amusing but I really hope you can get back under control BEFORE Christmas rather than letting it all hang out 'til the New Year and then having a bigger mountain to climb.

Well done on the exercise....it IS helping just not doing the whole job....

Lesley x