Life is a rollercoaster

Although my personal rollercoaster seems to have more dips than seem fair. But maybe that's my negativity. Dips in real life are alot less fun than those on a rollercoaster too! And now I can't get that annoying Boyzone chap's song out of my head, sigh!

So on the positive - after a nerve wracking interview, I think I have the job. It's only a level transfer to another department but the areas they cover are very interesting and it may be easier to move up there. I applied for one position and at the interview they asked if I'd be interested in another one - I said not. But they rang me the next day and pushed it a bit harder and I agreed that it did sound more interesting. I hope I haven't just made a gullible decision based on some smooth sales talk! Once I said I would be interested, they said HR rules meant they could actually tell me if I'd got the job until today but "given our conversation you shouldn't be worried over the weekend".

On the negative - the weight continues to pile on and it is now difficult to find anything that fits me. I think I'm managing to rein back a bit on the chocolate but I know from bitter experience that I put weight on very easily but lose it with extreme difficulty. I have a supply of packs for a post Christmas kick start - probably 7-10 days so maybe that will be enough to make my larger skirts less tight. My likely imminent separation from the smack table can only be a positive thing too!

Intellectually, I can't work out how my (admittedly fragile) self-esteem is so closely tied to my weight and appearance but I know I felt better c2 stone again at my brief forray into the small 14s. And I feel lousy as hell now with my 16s straining at the seams.

And bf and I had a horrible row last night. I was on duty - which I'd tried to get rid of to no avail - but really had hoped it would be quiet as I had loads of Christmas prep stuff to do. But of course it was ridiculously busy. Which meant I was tense as bf went off to do a big Waitrose shop as I find it easy to do stuff myself but quite difficult to watch other people do it - it induces my overactive guilt gene big time. So I was probably a bit uptight already and stressed because duty was so busy and I was aware of all the Christmas tasks I wasn't doing. Then he started wrapping his family's presents - badly - and writing on them in thick black marker pen. I like to wrap in carefully chosen paper with ribbon and baubles and party poppers/chocolate. So I was stressed about that - which he said was control freakery and probably was. Then we were putting the tree in the holder and I managed to get my hand caught in it as bf shoved the tree in and really hurt my finger (it's a big stiff weird sausage like thing today). I was doubled over crying with pain and bf was shouting at me! He doesn't really do sympathy but I was not happy that he was having a go at me when I was in pain. He said it's akin to a reaction you'd have with a small child endangering themself - but that I shouldn't need to be told things that should be obvious to a 38 year old woman. It all turned into a horrible row (intersperced with me having to take and deal with work calls) which culminated in him walking out for over an hour and me then pleading with him and apologising. We decided it was basically my fault for being stressy but I still think he was mean to be angry when I was crying and in pain.

So I'm off today but it's our team lunch so I have to go in - so no time to go back to bed although I didn't get to bed until after 1.30am and didn't sleep well but had to be up to resume duty at 6am so I'm feeling jaded to say the very least. I shall just have to make sure I get stuff done now and not flop about. Yesterday was so busy I didn't even get to shower (or wash my face or eat (which may have made me more stressy)) so I'm definitely going to need to sort myself out in that respect before lunch. Which is dim sum at Ping Pong! It was my idea and I'm looking forward to it - I love dim sum, have never been to Ping Pong and I think it's good to get away from badly cooked, re-heated and over priced pseudo Christmas lunches.

It should be quieter at work now (famous last words!) so I will hopefully get to blog again before Christmas so will wish you a happy and calm (!) few days leading up to the Big Day. Yep, do as I say, not as I do....!