Thursday, 31 July 2008

Attack of the killer arachnid

So last night I thought I'd have an early night as I was so tired. Bf was out boozing (which he'd probably call 'networking' or 'debreifing'). I headed into the bedroom at 9pm, switching the light on and pulled the curtains. And there was THE most enormous spider I've ever seen, skulking menacingly on the curtain. I ran top speed out of the room whilst my heart decided whether to stop altogether or beat at 800 beats per minute. It went for the latter and I swear all the hair on my head was on end. I used to be a real arachnophobe and had hypnotherapy to stop me going catatonic or into hysteria. So, I'm alot better but still extremely frightened. I managed to stay in the flat (quite an achievement) and as I'd had a text from bf to say he was on his way home at 8.50pm just called my mum to try and calm down. But at 9.30pm I had to ring bf to check where he was - I needed him home now. He was still in the pub but, to his credit, left immediately. He got home at 10.40pm and it was just as well he had some dutch courage - this thing was too big to catch with a beaker (his usual method), he had to use a pudding bowl. I am not kidding. He had to dismember it into several pieces to flush it down the sink. (I insist he kills them). Don't tell me they're more frightened of me than I am of them (my grandmother's phrase) because there's no way that's true - I'm terrified. But by the time I calmed down and got to bed (all my stuff to get ready is in the en suite beyond the bedroom) it was about 11.30pm - so much for my early night.

But, heroically, I got out of bed in time to walk along the Thames path this morning. This means that as long as I run tomorrow (and I can't at the moment come up with a compelling excuse to avoid it) I'll have run 3 times this week and walked in twice. It was not sunny so I probably looked slightly poncey in my sunglasses but I needed them to hide my nosiness in everyone. Most surreal experience was an exotic looking man playing an indescribably perky rendition of "If I Were a Rich Man" on the glockenspiel under a bridge.

Not doing so well on the pack front though. I keep picking (at protein and the odd bit of fruit so could be worse) and so forego my last 2 packs of the day to compensate. So yesterday I had a pack for breakfast, some ham, a bar and 2 nectarines for lunch and 2 slices of smoked salmon and 3 tsp of peanut butter for supper. I am trying to stick to the packs today (and henceforth) and not take the yummier option of substitution. Weight is not exactly dropping off me - only lost 3lbs of that 10lbs so far.

Good news is that Naughty R will be coming to LL with me for the next month - she wants one final push to get down to her goal weight. She has concerns though that as long as she knows she can starve herself on packs for a week and get a good loss (and she does have good results), she doesn't have a disincentive to binging. I take her point. And I don't know what the answer is. I definitely don't want to have a long-term relationship with packs. She'll be the perfect antidote to all the dippy-hippy, wishy-washy cod-psychology!

And my manager's boss asked me if I was pregnant today! She knows I don't want children and I think it's a pretty rude thing to ask someone, especially in a corridoor! I instantly felt fat of course but when I thought about it, I think it was motivated by nosiness (she is the biggest gossip) as I went off for a quick private meeting with my manager yesterday and she can't bear not to know what it's about (just some careers advice between us). Still seething gently over it though.

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Walk - don't run.

This morning I hauled my baggy arse out of bed - on a non-running day - to partially walk in along the Thames path. It's only just under 2 1/2 miles but I still felt super-virtuous. And it's just soooo much more pleasant than running - I arrived at work feeling calm and quite happy after walking relatively briskly in the sunshine for c40mins. After a run I just feel relieved it's over! And sweat, puce etc But I'm sure there's no comparison in terms of calories burned and muscles firmed etc. What a shame that it doesn't really count as proper exercise.

It's great for people watching too. Lots of people walk along the path - mostly eastbound whereas I'm westbound so behind my sunnies I am gawping away. One thing I noticed was that all the runners had rictus grimaces of pain - clearly I am not the only person who finds it unenjoyable! I didn't see a single runner who looked as though they were enjoying it.

And I enjoy looking at what the women passing by wear - for instance, there was one girl who looked amazing in boyfriend jeans, an orange and white smocky shirt and silver flip-flops. I would look really fat in such an outfit - or really pregnant. Or probably both! But she looked the epitome of laid back, casual and fresh. Then there was a woman with great - if towering - wedge sandals. She was sitting down so I consoled myself that she hadn't actually walked there but got a taxi. And a woman with a top I liked so much I was tempted to ask where she got it (milk chocolate short-sleeved, round neck fine knit cardi with pale olive dahlia type flowers embroidered on it - any clues anyone?). Mind you, there was also a girl with a conservative outfit of white shirt and pale beige suit-style skirt - over knee length semi opaque black leggings - NOOOOO! I am also determined to go out at lunchtime and buy some denim capri pants (to just below the knee) having seen 2 girls look amazing in them - despite the fact that last time I tried on 3/4 length trousers I looked like Benny Hill whereas they were both on the elfin side.

There was an article in the Express today which was interesting, if worrisome. It pointed to a piece of research - the details of which wasn't included so may be statistically insignificant - which said that of women who had successfully lost weight, the one in four who kept the weight off over the next 2 years averaged 55 mins of exercise, 5 days a week! Oh, and they were better at sticking to diets (small aside thrown in there!). Whilst I am clearly not at maintenance stage, I can't see how I would manage that amount of exercise short of giving up my job (tempting but not financially viable)! It sounds horribly as if I would have to run every day, not three times a week, and for longer. Even so, 55 mins is not possible before work. I reckon I could - and should - manage 40 mins but I think that's my lot. That and a brief trot out at lunchtime should tick the box but it's that pesky average again. It means that some people are having to do much more than 55 mins - and I'm definitely genetically disadvantaged when it comes to weight loss etc! And 5 days a week - arggghhhh.

Monday, 28 July 2008

A bit blue

No, I won't be writing porn - not that type of blue - but feeling a bit down. Which is ironic as the scales say I'm up. 10lbs up in fact. A week's worth of eating results in this - a cautionary tale for gluttons everywhere! I know I hit the chocolate in an insane way (no sordid details as I'm both ashamed and incredulous) but otherwise my choices were pretty sensible and there's NO WAY I have eaten 35,000 calories over and above what my body needs to tick over (working on the equation that 1lb in weight = 3,500 calories). I hope and assume that at least 7lbs of that is my glycogen going back on and that that will come off 3-4 days hence. It does rather beg the worrying question of what will happen when I'm back eating properly, full time? Clearly I can't allow that sort of lardage to zoom back on in that sort of timescale. Or at all actually.

Back on packs today and going to try and keep to the straight and narrow now until c25th August (a mere 4 weeks away) to lose the 10lbs and hopefully a further 11lbs to take me into the stone bracket I was in last week and on to the next stone bracket down. Which I'll ping straight back into when I start eating again! Arghhhh.

And things are bit pebbly with bf. Not as bad as rocky but we're basically not a good match in that I tend towards being a bit needy and clingy which is brought out by him being a bit of a cold fish. The cooler he is, the needier I get and the needier I get, the cooler and more detatched he gets. And he LOVES his work (lucky him) but that means that I feel very much a second fiddle - looooong days, boozy nights out 'networking' and calls, texts etc (he was texting from the bath which I determinedly didn't comment on).

I'm probably being ridiculous but I often feel that at best I irritate him and at worst, well.... put it like this, I never feel very secure. He would say that this is more about me than it is about him. He may be right but it doesn't make it any more comfortable, and right now I feel quite small and sad. Again, quite ironic since I'm actually quite big and sad. And feeling like this really triggers anxiety about my appearance. The only real enthusiasm I can think of from bf was me losing weight so if I feel he's being particularly cool and distant I feel a real need to lose weight and quick and demonstrably. I can see this is a bit skewed and warped but I guess it's actually quite useful while I am bulbous. If I were ever lithe and slim it might be more of a concern. I'm a sturdy girl though with a labrador like greed and so this is unlikely to ever be an issue!

So blue because of weight gain, blue because of bf and generally feeling quite frumpy and graceless. And ran very slowly this morning (due to not enough sleep because of fretting) and was definitely graceless as I puffed, hippo-like, around the park - no endorphin highs for me damnit. Perhaps I'll feel a bit brighter tomorrow if I get a good night's sleep tonight. Sorry for being so whingy.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Life sounds better to music. And ads apparently.

Ran this morning to Virgin (well, actually ran one circuit to XFM and one to some random station before I found Virgin) - but as Bono wailed earnestly "I wanna run..." I can't say I agreed (although I like the song). Music didn't put wings on my feet but any distraction is welcome - even inanities from a far-too-perky DJ. And my HUGE sugar binge yesterday (see below) didn't make me any more energised either.

Yes, I read lovely Lesley's comment exhorting me to go for it on the pack/food deprivation front with some shame. I went beserk yesterday and as it would now be Saturday before I'm back in ketosis - and I'll be eating that day and hence back out of ketosis - have decided on moderate food this week. I know that 'moderate' is not a word usually found in my vocabulary but I'm still going to try.

I went to a swanky private sector meeting yesterday where they'd lain out platters of croissants, cakes and muffins from Pret. I felt compelled to eat a lemon and poppy seed muffin. It wasn't that nice (had wierd marmaladey bits in) but I couldn't stop. Then I came into our very unswanky office and had some lunch (since I'd clearly blown it) - prawns and mayo dip, pepper hummous and crudites, a Thorntons chocolate bar, FOUR white nectarines and a Feast lolly that someone had bought me. Then I attacked the smack table and had 2 very large handfuls of assorted sweets (peanut M&Ms, jelly babies and fizzy sweets). Then I went absolutely hyper - my team had never really seen me in full sugar frenzy before and were quite visibly taken aback by my loopiness. Then we had an exceptionally tedious evening work function at which I ate pretty much a whole melon, some pineapple and a few berries (and a big piece of brie). Needless to say, my stomach HURT after this and I had to take some Motilium. Very out of control and Not At All Good. I didn't eat my remaining 3 packs unsurprisingly.

So, moderate eating until Sunday when it's day one back on packs. Then I must be good for 3-4 weeks and see where that takes me (other than to mid-late August). LLC says I shouldn't just go from packs to full on eating and says she'll do me a menu for a week's gradual re-habilitation but I might prefer to capitalise on the extra week's loss of poundage and do it the non-sensible way (which seems to be much more 'me'). I don't think I'll go to group on Monday though as I have enough packs for the week and could do with not spending an additional £66 if I don't have to. Think I can manage without cod-psychology for a week!

Monday, 21 July 2008

Noodle brain

Having puffed, wheezed and grumped my way around the park since February unaccompanied, I suddenly realised that although I still don't have the technology to get my ipod up and running (ho ho), I do have an ickle radio that I bought to listen to the Today programme whilst marching along the Thames path last year. I can re-tune that (surely no-one can run to the rhythm of Jon Humphreys et al?) to something cheesy like Virgin and voila, instant distraction! Of course, when I went to get it ready for this morning in a fit of enthusiasm the battery had run out (boom boom) and was the last AAA in the flat but by Wednesday I may have my sorely needed distraction! Feel almost excited!

But this morning was just the regular puff/gasp/wheeze variety of run. It was a weeny bit easier at first (due to food?) but I still got tired. I mis-timed one 'circuit' though (I'm not good with numbers) and ran for 10 secs less than 4 mins - when I came to a cartoon-like screeching halt as I realised. Still, nearly ran for 4 mins without stopping though!

I've had a weekend of eating. I caved on Friday and started then - not in a big way but definitely not in an abstinent way! I had some fruit which was lovely but not everything I ate was worth all the longing thoughts I've had about food in general. As you know, the whole eating thing was because we were going to friends for Saturday night dinner and would be there until after Sunday lunch. Generally the food was not great (love the friends though and they are busy people with 2 small daughters) except for the Hotel Chocolate chocs I took which were MAGNIFICENT, the wine that b/f took which was amazing and the strawberries that accompanied the cheesecake for pudding (I'm not keen on cheesecake). But we went for lunch on Saturday to a gorgeous Mexican restaurant called Wahaca near Charing Cross. They use all local produce but the food is very much authentic (apparently) and really delicious and you can have 2-3 dishes dim sum-style which I always like - would recommend it as much as the Observer did, who had it as their 'cheap eat of the year'. Sadly we were too full for churros for pudding - but that means we'll have to go back! All this food means that I've put on 3lbs but hopefully it's mostly glycogen and will come off in the next few days. And I know WHY which is the main thing, no railing against fate and flinging myself around in despair! We're off to a friend's for dinner on Saturday but have decided to come back in the evening rather than staying over so I will eat on Saturday and get back on packs on the Sunday.

Off now to take shoes back to Next that I bought for full price and were put in the sale at half price 4 days later. I hope they'll let me buy them for half price but I doubt it.

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Surely some myth-take?

To further dispel this odd opinion that seems to have built up in my readers (yes, Mrs, I'm looking at YOU!) about my athletic prowess, I have shirked a run this week and although I could make it up, I'm not going to. I was intending to run Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week; I did Monday but felt so awful on Tuesday that I didn't run. And I very nearly didn't this morning either, scrabbling round in my mind for a litany of excuses - still having a period, b/f was late back from carousing last night and I didn't get to sleep until after midnight and had to get up at 6am to run and was already over-tired.... And by the way, how does he do that? He gets in late - I am in bed, I don't get to sleep because I'm aware he'll be in, then I can't sleep because I'm aware he's moving around (probably bouncing off inanimate objects), he gets in to bed and falls asleep in 3 seconds, I lie awake for a further half hour, humph.

Heroically, despite these grevious obstacles, I did indeed run this morning - with bad grace, both literally and figuratively - but I did. Hmmm, if that's heroic, what hero would I be? Puffalot? The Great Waddler? Wheezygirl?

Anyway, it means I've only done 2 runs this week, not the prescribed 3. And although I could go tomorrow, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO. I'm even off tomorrow but I'm going to Canary Wharf to look in the Next and Monsoon sales en route to Greenwich Market to buy a belt I've been thinking about since December. If I have time I might go to TK Maxx (but probably won't). I've only been once before and hated it but so many people seem to get great bargains that I feel I ought to give it another bash. And I'm going to have a humungous lie-in. I may watch a chick-flick. I will definitely re-varnish my finger and toe nails (not the same colour as I think that's too WAG - actually had a row with the girl in Nails Inc about this once). Running has no place in this self-indulgent day. I feel a bit naughty and rebellious - and I fear that there's a wave of guilt which will come and engulf me but hopefully not until I'm safely over the danger period (ie the time I might actually be compelled to run).

I think I'm feeling a bit more numb about packs (this is good). Obviously I'm about to eat (weekend away with friends this weekend - and next actually) so hopefully I can re-gain numbness swiftly afterwards. My weight was a bit further down yesterday. And I keep telling myself, I've only got 6 weeks until I'll be eating again for a month. Not thinking beyond that just yet. It's scary because I don't think I'll be at goal but pack-boredom and desire for food is overwhelming the fear. Every day I re-think what I'll eat on my birthday (27 August) - this is what I think about whilst I run actually, what irony! - we're definitely going for posh dim sum at Yauatcha in the evening, mmm.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

How low can you go?

Feeling really fed up and down about this diet. I am so fed up of not being able to eat and the impact that that is having on my life. I think (hope) that this is just a stage - like it works with commuting - first you have the initial novelty factor to get you through, then you have the disgruntled hating it stage, then you hit acceptance. I'm in the disgruntled phase but I'm hoping to hit numb acceptance any day now. I'm certainly not going to quit - even with the nibbling (which is bad and which I beat myself up about regularly) and the s-l-o-w losses (3-4lbs on my scales, 2.6lbs on LLC scales) I AM going to continue until about 25th August and see where I am then when I'll be eating for about a month. So I have another 5 weeks or so, come hell or high water. Or come cake or chocolate!

And this weekend we're going to friends for the weekend which means I'll be eating Saturday night, Sunday morning and in all probability Sunday lunchtime too. The demon on my shoulder keeps saying 'oh go on, have a chocolate bar, you'll be eating at the weekend anyway' but I am hanging on in there. I will have to accept that I won't lose weight this week as my glycogen levels will be up and I mustn't let that derail me for next week.

People in my whacky group talk about the high they get on abstinence - and they speak of it as a physical high, not a psychological one. I don't get that - I wish I did. I don't get an endophin rush when I exercise either. Not fair!

I didn't run this morning either because I felt so weak and tired - then I came on, 2 days early so that explained that. Not that I'm happy about a 26 day cycle. Will see how I feel for Thursday's run. Bless you Mrs, for persisting in thinking of me as some kind of dedicated athlete - but if I channeled the feeling I get when running for danger food moments I would feel cross, resentful, sulky and puffed out. In fact, three of those are pretty spot on!

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Weird Science

I'm still not in ketosis (nibbling I suspect) but my weight is starting to go down - go figure. And if you can, please explain to me. Having lost practically nothing for 2 weeks, I'd lost 3lbs by Monday and this morning (Wednesday) I'd lost another 2lbs. Not knocking it - long may it continue - just don't understand it. I thought I had to be in ketosis to lose weight - but apparently not.

I was jubilent that I'd run yesterday (I wasn't quite so happy yesterday by the way - it was a S-L-O-G) but the weather was so foul this morning that it would have been a problem. Of course, it means running tomorrow, sigh. But then not til Monday - hurrah! I have to keep telling myself that it IS helping me to lose weight or I wouldn't do it. Diet Delusion says exercise is not a great idea (and you have NO IDEA how much I'm paraphrasing since it's THE most techy and dry book ever. Ever. Ever!) because you tend to eat more to compensate - but of course the 'joy' of being on packs is that you're 'eating' just the same so that snag doesn't come and wallop you round the face (and glue lard to your hips).

Since I wrote the above I've had an incident with crisps again. Salt and vinegar chipsticks and frazzles - a handful of each. I'm really annoyed with myself. WHY don't I have any willpower? I was in a good mood today because of the unofficial WI this morning (probably now a thing of the past) plus some clothes trying on last night - and I thought that would armour plate me against the smack table. I even breezily put biscuits on it. I know all I can do is keep trying - every day being a new opportunity to stick with it - but I have to do more than try, I have to actually DO IT. Please god, tomorrow will be the day I find some inner strength. Any tips? Apart from wiring my jaws shut and supergluing me to my desk? Both of which I'm almost desparate enough to try....

Monday, 7 July 2008

A grey rainy Monday - in midsummer

Well it took me nearly 2 hours to get in to work today - should have been40 mins. And I spent 1 hour 10 mins on the Jubilee line, doing a 15 min journey. Then they turfed us off and I had to walk the rest of the way in the wind and rain.

And that's after getting up at 6am (okay 6.10am) to go running and realising from the weather that that wasn't a good idea. We have a (fairly basic and unpleasant) fitness room in our development. We pay almost £3k a year for service charge but the gym STILL isn't working - I last reported the treadmills as out of order at Easter and they're still not working, nor the steppers, nor the exercise bikes. And there's a huge hole in the ceiling. Our management company are the worst I've ever come across - beware buying anywhere that Peverel OM run, they've increased our service charge by over 120% in the 8 years we've been there but they do no decoration/maintenance and the charge goes up every 6 months. Our estate manager "doesn't have time" to talk to residents by phone or in person or to respond to letters. They really are beyond appalling.

I used a weird bike type thing and a cross trainer (as the only two machines which were still working) for 15 mins each but it was an annoying, depressing and stressful experience.

On my scales I have lost a distinctly unstellar 3lbs this week. This is the most I've lost in 2 weeks so I suppose I ought to be grateful - especially after my smack table binge last week - but I just feel weary about it all. Going to keep going until 25th August and then I'll see how close to goal I am and whether I can bare to go back to it after our 12 days in my brother's Welsh caravan and our weekend away for bf's 50th in the New Forest - which will make it 22nd September.

I read something really concerning in The Diet Delusion which I am slowly trudging through. It's not an easy read - very techy - but really eye-opening. There were a couple of experiments on "starvation diets", one in particular had a group of mentally tough men only allowed 1200-1500 calories a day (so a lot more than VLCD). They became unusually obsessed with food to the extent of collecting recipes (this was in the 50s when men didn't do such things!) and developed an incredibly sweet tooth (teeth?!) - a few even had psychological break downs. Moreover, when they were allowed to eat again, they massively over-ate, still claiming hunger, and put on all the weight they'd lost and some. Sounds scarily familiar. I'm not proposing stopping LL though - I'm already doing it so it's a bit late but it is interesting - in a scary sort of way. I'm hoping it's a case of forewarned. Don't think I'll mention it at group tonight though - they're not sciency sort of people!

Friday, 4 July 2008

One step forward, two steps back

I weighed myself this morning and I'd put on the 2lbs it's taken me two weeks to lose. I wouldn't have said I had eaten 7,500 calories yesterday (or even close), AND I managed not to have my final two packs, so I'm hoping that some of it is glycogen that will magically disappear - before WI preferably. Fingers crossed...

I went for a run this morning, wondering if the food would have given me some energy and I'd be fleeter of foot and full of pep and zest. Not a bit of it! I trudged round in my usual joyless way. I think that's a positive thing really as it would have been an additional excuse to eat if it had suddenly seemed easier.

I'm trying not to put any additional pressure on myself by getting freaked out that we're going to friends for dinner on two consecutive weekends soon - and the impact that is likely to have on my weight. It's the 19th and 26th of this month. Both will also involve breakfast the following day and the 19th-20th will probably include lunch too. I want to have lost at least half a stone by 19th. Ought to be more than achievable if I can stick to the plan. Then I'll hopefully be in a strong enough mindset to at least eat sparingly and make as wise choices as possible (no nibbles, frugal alcohol, small portions etc), knowing that the scales will go up as a result but to have the strength of mind to know I can get that down again.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

Blown it

Well I've just blown it big time. We had a party at work to celebrate the end of a big piece of work and I've just eaten from the buffet. It was like the smack table but 5x the size. I had chorizo, cheese, grapes, crisps, chocolates, a mini flapjack and a fondant fancy. My heart is racing from the unexpected sugar load and I'm typing this to stop myself going back for more. I didn't have any of the fizz or wine but I'm not sure that that's any of comfort or merit.

I think it's unlikely that I'll be able to get back on track for WI as I only have 4 days until then (maybe I can dump the glycogen by then? If I'm lucky? Maybe...). But I guess I won't be losing weight this week either. Again. Damn, damn, damn.

I had lost a mere 1lb on my scales this morning since Monday so I'm still struggling to dump the fat. I was not impressed. And now of course I will have put that miniscule loss back on and then some. What I lack in good sense I certainly make up for in blubber.

I'm going to skip my 2 packs tonight if I possibly can, to make up for the stupid empty calories I have just stuffed myself with. I feel most odd - I don't think sugar has a good effect on me at all. Which doesn't explain why I want it so badly then. In my hypnosis recording Marissa says about sugar "your body doesn't like it and your body never asks for it". I think she's right but how do I convince myself to stay away? Especially when I'm supposed to be abstaining from ALL food? And even feeling as lousy as I do right now - physically AND mentally - I'm not sure I'd be able to do anything different next time. And there's always a next time here.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Heroic self control

I went to a meeting today where there was a large goldfish bowl of chocolate biscuits right in front of me on the table. INCLUDING Tunnock's Caramel Wafers. And I resisted! Twice! I felt sad about not having one - how ridiculous! - but kept thinking how I'd feel if I had a second week where the scales moved little or not at all.

I couldn't go for a run this morning because I had to leave home at 6.30am this morning to get in and do some specific work. I'm slightly light headed with tiredness now. And of course that means I'll have to run Thursday and Friday - two consecutive days which isn't ideal. I may not survive the week. In which case I'll be well narked off that I turned down that Caramel Wafer. (Twice)!

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Forward facing

Well yesterday was a failure. At WI my weight was up but because they weigh in kilos I don't really know how much and I don't want to. I think that it showed a plus because I've gone from a first thing in the morning WI to an evening WI. On my scales I'd lost that (measly) lb - and I checked again this morning in case the sweets had caused my weight to increase yesterday and it still shows the same (ie 1lb down).

So I'm trying not to freak about it all but to write off this last week and settle down fresh to another week with determination - and then work out where I am and therefore what I want to do. Which does not include an option for scoffing lorryloads of sweets and chocolate etc

New LL group are a bit, erm, odd. I'm sure they're very nice but they're very, erm, spiritual/alternative, I suppose. They say things like "you are in the place where you are meant to be right now" (and they don't mean you've got the LLC's address right!) and "the universe will provide you with everything you need at any given time". The thing is, I'm a bit of a cynic and I found my mind clearly articulating to the latter that what I actually needed was a 5lb loss, a lottery win and some haribo fizzy sweets - the universe can't have been paying attention though as none of these things materialised. I think I'm going to find it difficult to click with this group as I'd rather have practical tactics but we'll see.