Friday, 28 September 2007

Day 95 - total chaos

Well, although I've slipped up on LL, they've been pretty insubstantial slips (I mean, who but me would have a tragic binge on sugar free gum?!). Until today. Today would definitely come under the category of binge and I feel pretty ill. We've had the snack table of all snack tables (or as I mis-typed rather appropriately, smack table). Today is MacMillan Coffee Morning day. You bake (or bring in cakes if you don't do baking) and pay some money to MacMillan to eat it. I really wanted to bake something as my lovely grandpa and great aunt both died of cancer only a few years ago so I feel quite strongly about it.

It wasn't just the baking - I ate cake. I went mad. I went beserk. I went absolutely bonkers. I must have eaten more calories in the last hour than I've had this month, maybe in the last two months. I made a triple lemon cake (lemon sponge, soaked in lemon syrup, with lemon icing and crystallised rose petals on - sorry for the food talk but you can see how irresistable this is? Can't you?) Anyway, what I didn't do was resist - anything. I ate LOADS of different cakes - MacMillan will be able to pay a cancer nurse for a year on what I ate.

Now I feel shaky and sick (I'm quite sensitive to sugar at the best of times) but less regretful than I should be. I definitely feel that sense that things are beginning to ebb away (not fat regretfully, but the whole LL thing - and have felt that since my LLC lost interest around day 84) but am determined not to use this as an excuse to slide into bad eating as a prelude to the holiday. Today was a shocking episode but it will remain an episode. I will be back to the straight and narrow for the remaining 5 days.

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments - it really means alot.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Day 92 - the end of the beginning in sight

Thanks for all your comments - it's always lovely to read your thoughts on things. It's nice knowing there are people there out in the ether! I think the blogs especially, and Minimins too have been the real support for me through this not exactly easy process. By which I mean that the pychology of LL can be very tough, obviously the plan is simplicity itself - not much room for misinterpretation there.

And I can't quite believe I've got this far. I know I've still got a long way to go if I am to get to a healthy BMI but I've done the 100 days (or nearly), not perfectly but pretty well, it's a definite achievement. I've not let lower than average losses daunt me and I've slogged away at it even when I've only been holding on by my fingernails.

Last night was the last time I'll see most of my Foundation class. It felt quite sad - I really want to know what happens to them all. One girl (R) I see quite alot and is moving to CD with me, another (A) I really like and hope to keep in touch with although she doesn't have an officey job and so email contact is infrequent, another (R2) I email occasionally and yet another (K) I found out works very near me so I hope we'll go out for lunch. Yes, that would be lunch with no food! Almost everyone looks so much better than they did 13 weeks ago. There's only one girl who I don't think stuck to it any single week and so doesn't really look any different - not that I'm condemning, she was doing the 100 days for the second time on the trot and obviously had lost some weight the first time round and seems to be happy with that.

LLC was less hostile. She never bothered getting back to me about the bars and she didn't have them - but then she still gives us the old vanilla unless we specifically ask for the new one. The after photo in profile didn't work so I get my photos re-done next week at the pop-in on day 98. Result! I was never happy at having them done at day 84. It's funny, I can see a slight difference from the face on the facing shot one but I wouldn't say it's dramatic. But other people in class disagree. I can see it in others - I think it's easier to be more objective (and less critical) of other people.

I do now have a real clothes problem though. This morning I was almost late for work - trying to find something to wear that's not hanging off me (I failed). Now don't get me wrong, I'm very pleased that I'm smaller - soooo much better than trying something on that used to fit but is now too tight (soul destroying) - but it is an issue. I might have to do a quick dash to Primark and New Look tonight after work (for decency's sake although really I don't have the money or inclination). We can wear casual stuff this week but from next week we're back in office wear - okay, I'm only in a couple of days as I'm off on holiday, but hopefully I won't come back from Turkey and find that I've put on so much weight that all my old stuff fits again! I'm prepared for half a stone but I really am going to be sensible.

Oh, and I lost 3.7lbs last night (official WI). Bizarre since I'd eaten (birthday lunch - I was very sensible and didn't have what I wanted but what looked like the healthiest and carb-free version. Still enjoyed it too). Think I might make that 3st7lbs since my LLC now says I've lost 3st5lbs.

PS Pear tart - they gave me plum by mistake. Sigh.

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Day 87 - the great thaw

B/f came home last night in a much warmer and more affectionate mood. And this was before he saw the half bottle of champagne I'd stashed in the fridge for him for tonight (his birthday) and the nice bottle of wine. Then today I went dashing off to Paul (patisserie) to get him pear tart for his pudding. They didn't have it in Covent Garden so I phoned branches and have located a piece I'll collect for him after work.

B/f is still incredulous that I've gone 3 months without drinking. Not that I was a lush before but definitely an oenophile (I hope that's right (lover of wine) and I haven't claimed a love of something unmentionable!). I really do love wine and am not bad at the whole tasting/sniffing/slooshing thing. The next time I can see me drinking is Christmas - I don't think I will on holiday as they don't really do decent wine and I'm not that bothered by anything else. It is, as he pointed out, probably the longest I've been without drinking since I started drinking.

But I got on the scales today (as roughly halfway through the week) and they hadn't moved a jot. It's almost as if as soon as I set a goal that I thought I could reach, everything ground to a halt! I thought I was being philosophical but then I ate two cookies and a couple of chocolates from our snack table. I think it was mostly because of the tyrrany of the scales - and a bit because I know that tomorrow lunchtime I will be eating (sensibly) in a restaurant as an undercover dieter. Undercover as b/f's parents don't know I'm dieting. Not good enough. Were I wearing socks I would firmly pull them up.

Next update - Tuesday, post official WI and post next meeting with stroppy LLC. I hope she's decided to be more conciliatory - even friendly? I texted her to ask if she's got the new bars in but didn't hear anything.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Day 85 - good loss, bad day

On the positive front I lost 4.1lbs which is so much better - than, well, practically every other week! I don't know why but I'm pleased in any case. That takes my total weight at LL WIs to 3st1lb and I'd really like to make that 3st7lb for end of Foundation - and yes, I would be pleased with that. Obviously I'd miss my initial 4st target, but given how hard it's been for me and my fears that I might not even make the 3st, I'd be very happy with that.

But it was not a good day. My LLC was very aggressive with me and I felt quite taken aback. I think it was because we'd had to fill in a feedback form and under the title of negative things about the programme I'd put that I found the counselling disappointing. Now, this was me being truthful but polite. As it is, I think the counselling is downright shabby - reading from a sheet for 20mins max in a sing-song voice is not counselling (in my book). But she was definitely antagonistic when the whole issue of what we're all doing post Foundation came up again. I mentioned that I'd spoken to LLHO and that I understood that whilst she didn't accept people to RtM who hadn't done Development, it was possible. As my friend said afterwards, she practically called me a liar. She said I was wrong, no-one at HO would say that as it was wrong, who had I spoken to as it was wrong - on and on. I just said - politely - that that was what I'd been told by a very friendly and helpful person at LLHO but I'd call them again and clarify. I reiterated that this was a financial decision for me - since I still have quite a bit of weight to lose and generally slow losses I simply couldn't commit to an extended period at £66pw. I've tried to be pleasant about this (and certainly not mentioned CD as I thought that might enflame her) - but she still said at the end "So you are thinking of Development then" and I had to say again that I wasn't, I couldn't. I guess if she was fantastic I would keep going (and I'll certainly miss my group) but it would be a real financial strain. And as I feel the counselling is utterly inadequate, I do feel a bit short changed. As it is, I really don't want to go back next week if she's going to be this hostile. But of course I will - just makes it that much more uncomfortable. Anyway, I rang LLHO and managed to speak to the same person, who checked with her manager, and I can go into RtM if I do a 4 week Refresher course first (payment up front!!). BMI is not an issue at this stage and I guess it would be good to do this after Christmas if I'm at the right stage for that. With a different LLC!

Then the b/f was really stroppy with me. I don't think that the argument we had was actually anything to do with the diet - I'd clearly irritated him in some unknown way (he generally finds me quite irritating and I guess I may well be), then I told him about the spat with the LLC and he accused me of being mousey (he hates this). Then it ended up with him saying that I'd leaned on him too heavily during this diet and I should have spread it around my friends more, he found it too much. I was really hurt. I generally know that to get the best out of him I have to be all happy and positive, no matter how I feel inside, but it is exhausting at times. And because he'd reacted so positively to the initial very long talk we had when I wanted to go on LL, I have talked to him quite alot. Anyway, I felt hurt and rebuffed (I am over-sensitive) and quite astonished by this as I kind of thought in a cliched way that we were in this together. And as I say, this is where the argument went but I'm not sure it's the cause. He rang this morning and said "sorry for whatever I did" - the apology is nice but not the evasion of why I was upset. Ho, hum, I dare say it will all get sorted out - or more likely, kind of forgotten about. Roll on normality though.

Monday, 17 September 2007

Day 84 - update

I haven't updated for a week (as has been pointed out) so despite having so little to say I thought I'd let you know the latest.

Last week's official WI was 2.6lbs - I didn't even get upset, I've got so used to piddling losses that it doesn't disappoint or surprise me any more. It kind of pulls me down a bit but I know that I'm not going to give up so there's no point in throwing myself about in histrionics. I think grim acceptance and plodding on sums up my mood.

My LLC was pretty awful though. For a start, she told us that the final day of our 100 days would be, er, day 91! She doesn't do a class the following week as we should all be in Development and starting that, then she turned to me and said "I take it everyone's going on except I don't know about you Peridot". Well, she didn't say Peridot because that's not my name but you get my point! I explained that I couldn't afford to go on indefinitely, especially given my small losses but would like to go away, get to a good weight (didn't mention Cambridge Diet as I thought that might annoy her) and come back and do Management. She told me unequivocally and emphatically that this was not possible. I checked with LLHO and if you do Foundation you're entitled to do Management - they offered to speak to her but I don't want to do it with her in any case. May just drop it into conversation if I get an opening tonight though! LLHO were really good and sympathetic that people can't afford £66 pw indefinitely. She's just so rigid (LLC) - I think she struggles with any interpretation (which explains why she only reads out the counselling crib sheets in a sing-song voice and is unable to deviate at all) and is unable to think for herself. Strange. Sad. Bloody irritating.

I've been pretty good all week. On my scales at home I've now exceeded the 3st loss - not that this will necessarily translate tonight of course! It would be nice to think that I could make it 3st7lbs for Foundation, given that there are 2 weeks and 2 days to go (and I think I've lost 2lbs more than the 3st at this stage) but I know better than to expect such specifics. Still hoping though - clearly ever an optimist!

Two highlights of the week - got remeasured for bras. I thought that the ones I was wearing were okay but given that I know I've lost about 6" off my bust thought it was unlikely to be the same. It turns out that I've basically lost the weight around my rib cage (not that I have a rib cage yet - not visibly in any case!) but not off my breasts so my band size has gone down and my cup size up. Feeling very gripped by my new bra today! I can feel the difference - it's definitely better and gives me more of a waist (I think). The fitter had been on LL too so was very sympathetic (she's in Development and has lost 4st in 4 months). I tried not to go into a mad buying frenzy as I may very well go down more (I would have thought) but you do need enough knickers to get through a week! And I'm really not a rich girl. Hopefully I'll not outgrow them too soon so I'll get some use out of them. Annoyingly I had a brand spanking new set from Rigby and Pellar that I'd never worn (was saving them for a special occasion - dur), still with labels and now no longer going to fit me. I've put them on ebay though so let's see.

Secondly, I cooked up a load of apples with spices on Sunday - my b/f's mother gave them to us from the tree in her back garden - and put them in little foil containers (purchased specially), neatly labelled in the freezer. I found this enormously satisfying. I love the thought of using really good, home-grown produce to have on tap (or on freezer in any rate) for use during the winter - even though I'm sure I won't get any as I'll still be on this flipping diet! I guess it's that primitive hibernation instinct - and actually I'd love to hibernate, it's so cold today!

So given that I didn't have alot to say I've managed to witter on and on. Will try and post again tomorrow, post LL. We're having our 'after' photos done tonight - I would say 'during' photos as it's day 84, it's not 'after' at all. They bang on and on about 100 days and it seems to be a myth. Everything ends long before that. Final photos - day 84, final WI - day 91. Hmmmm, mythtifying.

Monday, 10 September 2007

Day 77 - ouch

Happy Birthday R! V lovely and excellent friend. She's been very supportive and empathises (despite being willowy she still 'gets it').

Managed not to implode on Friday - nor to eat anything else (including packs). I didn't feel any different so hopefully I didn't knock myself out of ketosis. Suspect my loss at WI tonight will be more than usually pitiful though.

Could have stabbed b/f who was eating Kettle Chips last night (pre-dinner snack) - I don't even like Kettle Chips, or plain crisps generally (too dull) but I really, really wanted them and was willing him to leave the room so I could grab one. There must have been an evil glint in my eye as he firmly moved them to the other side of him- away from me. I even considered licking the empty bowl afterwards (no shame, as you can see!) but he put it straight in soak! I do hope he can't read my mind or I'm in all kinds of trouble!

Had a tough weekend in some ways - I was on call and so ended up still working at 2am on Sunday morning and then getting calls at 6am onwards. So very tired - and I compounded this by finding it hard to get to sleep last night, and when I did I had nightmares so don't feel too rested. Then I forgot to take a laxative as planned on Saturday night (unsurprisingly) so took one last night as was - in need. Now have grim stomach ache and was late in to work this morning as I dared not leave the loo! Hopefully it will have - ahem - cleared me out though. Certainly feels as if someone's taken a dynorod to my insides!

On Saturday afternoon when work wasn't so busy I went through all my wardrobe, chucking things out that no longer fit me properly. I now have practically no clothes left! On one hand this is good as it shows some change, on the other it does rather leave me with the problem of what to wear - yikes! And as I'm broke, getting stuff to replace it seems tricky - double yikes! Put some beautiful stuff on ebay - was really sad to see some things go and had a look to see if anyone was selling a couple of the jackets and skirts in a smaller size (no).

Having said all that, we popped round to see b/f's parents who I'd not seen since I started LL. They didn't notice! And I know they'd say - they did when I lost a stone and a half on WW. Sigh. They did show us some photos taken of us altogether in May and I could see a difference in myself and that's the most important thing I guess.

Will update tomorrow after the class tonight.

Friday, 7 September 2007

The snack table strikes back

I am an idiot - a greedy, stupid, over-indulgent, self-destructive idiot.

We had such a big snack table at work this afternoon that we had to bring 2 more tables over. And I ate from it - after successfully ignoring it for 73 days. I had some cheese - brie and stilton, probably the size of a small matchbox and a half, one mini egg, 4 tortilla chips, 6 strawberries and an after eight style mint. I'm so annoyed with myself. There were things there - cake things - that I really wanted but stopped myself because I'm too scared to eat sweet stuff (although I did eat that mint). And why? I don't know. Did I think oh it's only a little bit of protein (the cheese) and it spun out of control from there? And then I thought I'd blown it and was in self-destruct mode? I don't know. It's my best guess. I feel quite panicky about it now - and despairing at the same time. I have 2 packs left today and I will aim not to have them in the hope of making up the calories. It's not ideal but it's all I can think of - I wish I had a hotline to Mrs L or Lesley for emergency advice.

And I still have that feeling that I don't like the taste of the last thing so I had better have something else to take that taste away. This is quite a common thing for me and can lead to hours of eating one thing after another, as unsatisfied with each thing (after I've eaten it) as the last. It's a strange, self-destructive spiral. I guess I'm looking to food for some sort of fulfilment that I can't possibly find. Don't know what.

Right. No more nibbling - it leads to more nibbling and ultimately to misery and self-loathing. Not a good way to start the weekend.

Day 74 - tactics (not tictacs which are different)

My work best friend, the lovely V, came up with a blinding idea how I can avoid the extreme illness I brought on myself on Wednesday. Yes, I know the ideal is not eating anything and I honestly will have that as my plan but if I'm absolutely going to cheat it's clear that sugar free gum/sweets is not the most brilliant choice. Not only because they're really not good for me but slso because I didn't even want them - just.... something. She suggested an apple. Now I love fruit and this would be fewer calories and I'd get some sort of goodness out of it - brilliant. As I say, I honestly don't want it to ever happen again but I feel better that I have some sort of emergency plan for that worst case scenario. And I thought that if not an apple, M&S do very small pouches of sliced melon or mango which would be even better. This thought makes me feel calmer and less self-flagellating.

I think Mrs L is right too in her comments. I find this whole diet concept exhausting and panicking because it's stretching into and eating into my future. I don't want to be doing this for ever - it's very much a means to an end for me. But I can't see the end - it's too far away and this depresses me. B/f is getting gloomy about still not being able to have friends round for dinner or go to them - whilst still being v supportive - and I think he needs to see an end to it too. Although the prospect of not shelling out £30 a week once I change to CD has perked him up a bit! That's why I think I have to put my back into it now and say by Feb/March that's enough. If I need to lose more then I do it a more sane and less intense way - and hope that won't be too much to lose then since it will be at a (even) slower rate. I find it hard not to look at it as an entirety but as 100 days, then a month, then another month etc etc Oh well, we'll see. I guess I can turn it over in my mind on holiday - but don't want to get too obsessed. And that's a hard line to walk because you rather need to be obsessed to manage this very radical change in your way of life.

Weekend is none too thrilling - on call midday Saturday to midday Sunday which pretty much knocks the whole weekend out. As long as it's quite quiet it is an opportunity to do lots of housework (boring but necessary) and hopefully photograph a load of clothes to put on ebay - I have nothing to wear and no money. We're going to b/f's parents Sunday afternoon to pick up my birthday present - they've not seen me since LL so I wonder if they'll notice (a colleague asked me yesterday if I'd lost weight as my 'face looked a bit thinner' - talk about damning with faint praise!). It will also be an obstacle course of dodging lots of food and drink that his mum presses on us - without offending her or saying why.

Thursday, 6 September 2007

Day 73 - oh dear

I cheated last night and I've sooo paid for it. I have to say on the scale of cheating it wasn't very impressive - I bought some sugar free Fruitellas and some sugar free M&S berry chewing gum. It was an awareness that I was going to flip out but wanting to minimise the damage that led to such an uninspired choice - rather than actually specifically wanting those things. Of course, the sugar free stuff has lots of odd artificial sweeteners in it (and can have a laxative effect which frankly wouldn't be a bad thing!) and I was so ill - I felt really sick, my stomach really hurt all through the night, was very distended and made dreadful noises and I had extreme, er, wind. Yuck, sorry! I don't think I will ever eat either of these things again and felt quite sick even as I was eating those last few gums (first few sugar free Fruitellas were lovely though, I have to say). I couldn't then face having my last two packs of the day and probably - as the sugar free stuff still does have minimal calories - this is just as well as I would have gone over my 500 calories. My jaws still ache from chewing up a whole packet of M&S gum tablets.

Two good things though. First, I normally have this bonkers reaction to feeling ill. I'll have something to eat, then think "Oh, I still don't feel better, I'd better try something else to eat" and this goes on and on - even if I feel worse and worse. Classic self-medicating (and crazy) behaviour. Yesterday, that instinct was still there but I firmly told myself not to be so utterly stupid. I had a Bouillon to try and flush all the sugar taste and some water and that was it. I couldn't even face any water flavourings as it was just too sweet.

Secondly, I was trying (in LL fashion) to work out what set me off. This mystified me for some time until I dredged out something I was entirely unsure about - and then the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I'd got it right. I went shopping after work last night - to buy some ballet pumps. I didn't buy them as I had had the idea of ballet pumps being ugly if you're anything other than Audrey Hepburn or similarly leggy, ethereal types, firmly put in my head by Gok Wan in his rather fabulous How to Look Good Naked book. I really do need some in-between seasons (reasonably comfortable) shoes that I can wear with work skirts and casual skirts alike but I tried them on and I could see that they DID make me look frumpy and dumpy and did my ankles and legs no favours at all (that Gok, he so wise). That's 3 times I've gone to buy them and not actually done the deed. Problem is I don't know what to buy instead. And this is true of clothes too. I can't believe that I am finding the concept of clothes so stressful - I think it's that I knew what sort of things I always bought and what to look for and now.... I don't.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Day 70

Official WI last night - 6.1lbs. BUT please bear in mind that was 2 weeks worth of weight. It's okay, especially given that I ate over my birthday weekend (sensibly and frugally but still very much not part of the LL plan) and the unfortunate cashew incident. And there was a starburst chew I hadn't confessed to (strawberry if you're interested - I would be!). This will shatter Lesley's good opinion of my abstinence!

I really haven't been that virtuous - nothing major, but there were the cashews, then a couple of weeks ago a small amount of dry roasted peanuts and 6 crisps (2 were tortillas - not sure if that's better or worse!) and I've had literally a shaving of cheese about 3 times. And the chew. And I say this ashamed of myself. I think it's been a reaction to the disappointment of my slow loss but that's not an excuse, just an attempt to understand.

I genuinely think if the weight was dropping off at 5lbs or so a week, the sheer high of that would carry me through. I've now lost in total 16.6 kilos, which is 2st6lbs. In 10 weeks. I think and hope that I'll make the 3st but I was hoping for more (and of course I'm still hoping it will be 12lbs if I can lose 3lbs a week.....).

Maybe I was too optimistic about this diet - I read blogs and postings on Minis and thought I could reasonably lose 4st in Foundation (whilst of course secretly hoping for more) and that made me feel dizzy with hope and excitement. I'm really not being ultra-competitive in comparing myself but I just want more for myself (or specifically, less!) and you do need some sort of yardstick to know what to expect - or I do. It's not going to stop me though, I do still keep going - a bit sadder, a bit wiser maybe but no less determined. And I don't know why this makes me sad - I really thought I'd be boyant. I don't want to find this so tough - emotionally or physically - but that's the way it is for me and I just have to deal with it as best I can (even if it irritates the pants off everyone - sorry though!).

BUT I've learnt nothing and am still setting myself up for a fall by hoping for another 12lbs (or even more!) in my last 4 weeks. I can't help it. Arggghhhhhh. Perhaps scratch the 'wiser' part!

Today is the baby shower. It's not at the Wolseley now as they couldn't take 20 of us. But as disappointing as that is, I think it will be easier to resist the creamy loveliness in a cafe on Piccadilly (Richoux) - and I think I can just order a pot of tea. If my colleagues don't mob me for it. I am armed with my best work friend (and cheerleader for the Peridot cause) to act as my own personal Jiminy Cricket of conscience and human shield. And before I started LL I had just bought a very nice John Rocha skirt - and then I bought it again in the sale, 2 sizes smaller. I have that smaller one on today. Still with a big top but it is progress. I will try and remember this when the scales let me down.

I've decided that I'm going to do LL/CD until Feb/Mar next year (with a brief break for Christmas) and at that point if I'm not where I want to be, stop, re-evaluate and think of alternative strategies. This is for my sanity, my relationship and our social life. I don't intend to abandon dieting altogether but I will look for a more flexible approach. But really of course I'm hoping I'm where I want to be by then anyway and this won't be an issue. Still optimistic then!

Monday, 3 September 2007

Day 69 - first WI tonight for 2 weeks

I am really, really nervous. Tonight is my first WI for 2 weeks (last one would have been bank holiday) and in a wierd way it felt like a break from the fear and tyranny of the scales. Every week I worry and worry that my efforts won't be rewarded - and I'm almost always right! I weigh myself every couple of days on my home scales (which seem to be less crazy these days - perhaps the heavier you are, the more stressed they get (know how they feel)!) and somehow that's less stressful and upsetting. But even they reckon I've only lost about 5lbs over a fortnight which clearly isn't great. And it's rarely as much on the LL scales.

And I'm being an evil bitch and getting really jealous and upset over all the posts on Minimins where people are losing a decent whack of weight each week - why can't that be me? I'm not so evil that I want them to be where I am but I DO want to be where they are. And it's really dragging me down. Yesterday I ate a small handful of cashews - in three mini portions of 4-6 each time - snuck out of the b/f's packet with extreme sly secrecy. I'm annoyed with myself and I think it was because I felt resentful that I am not having the success I had hoped for on this - which is absurd as my eating them has, of course, just made this even worse. Brilliant.

It's like my mood for the week is set by my official WI. And with one possible exception it has meant that I've felt disappointed and unhappy. I simply don't understand why this doesn't work for me like it seems to work for so many others. And that unhappiness pushes me back at wanting food - it's like some crazed vicious circle. I want to break out of it but I'm not sure that I can. What I CAN do is do everything by the book and do the best I can. What I can't do is make this be the magic wand it is for most people. It's not going to stop me doing this I hasten to add, it just makes it tougher.

And I felt embarrassed and sheepish about one of Cerulean's comments. It felt like it was aimed at me - but I'm sure it wasn't (not actually being the centre of the world!). She said - and I'm paraphrasing - that she was annoyed every time she read a 'oh poor me, I've only lost 1lb' comment and thought yes, but what else did you achieve this week? What did you learn etc? And this is a problem for me as I don't think I have learnt alot about myself. I've learnt that I love food and that my social life pretty much revolved around this - but that is not a good reason for being overweight. I've learnt that my main trigger for food is stress, closely followed by wanting to show myself some love - but I don't know what to do with that knowledge. I know that the lack of tools to help myself back in the real world (which feels like I will never be part of again as I move at snail speed - or that I will give up before reaching a reasonable weight) is not helped by an inadequate LLC who does not understand the counselling element and is therefore unable to make this part of the programme work. But I ought to be able to do this on my own in any case, I'm reasonably intelligent after all.

And as for the where-is-this-all-ultimately-going thought, it's a tricky one. I feel like a ship with no compass, no charts and no idea of where I'm going or how I'll get there - and no faith that I will ever get there. I think I have to set a time limit (say March) and if I'm still not there (at the magic 20-25 BMI) by then, give it up and accept that I did my best (and it wasn't good enough). I've already failed my first goal (to lose 4st in foundation) unless I lose in excess of a stone and a half in the next 4 weeks which seems impossible (especially given my slow progress to date).