Thursday, 18 June 2015

The dieting blues

Somehow two WIs have passed since I last put pen to paper (or at least, fingers to keyboard).  I am trying to take from this that the time spent in this period of hard dieting will pass more quickly than it currently feels.  I find dieting to be lonely, relentless and myopic.

Lonely: maybe it’s because I don’t belong to a ‘club’.  Maybe if I were to take my weekly communions with Scales of Doom in public, I’d not feel like this.  But I doubt it.  I’ve been to a couple in the past and found them to be soul-sapping and irritation-raising.  I’m quite sure that one was the model for the Little Britain sketch.  One day the leader – in tones that implied extreme excitement – asked us to name as many different types of lettuce that we could think of.  There was a long, painful silence and the sort of facial expressions that lets you know a small child has just pooed its nappy.  Finally I could stand it no more: “iceburglollorossolamb’slettucefriseecosrocketspinachoakchicorywatercress”.  I did not, dear Reader, say peashoots as there was no such thing then.  And I love peashoots: life’s improved.  Anyway, I never went back – and I dare say they were relieved.  Other clubs I’ve attended have been largely about pushing chemical products and talking to me in the third person as if I were simple.  So loneliness is better, I guess.  The blogging world has stepped into this breach though – to be able to find people going through the same thing is immensely comforting. 

Relentless: it really is as Mad Eyed Moody said in Harry Potter: “Constant Vigilance”.  But it’s exhausting to keep your guard up against food all the time.  There are times when you’re tired, when you’re hungry and haven’t planned ahead, when you want to just see what you ‘feel like’ eating (always a mistake in my case), when you’re up against 10 deadlines at once and want to mainstream sugar, when you just want a day off.  And you can of course do all or any of those things – but you know what the result will be.  It can be depressing – although not as depressing as trying to find things to wear that don’t cause you to look in the mirror and feel the sort of pain and shame that causes your very soul to shrink in horror.  There is no such thing as dieting time out – if you’re not losing, then, chances are (if you’re me) you’re gaining.  And then you’re going to have to get on with losing that.

Myopic: I’ve talked about this before – when your entire world contracts in on you.  The secret relief when social arrangements fall through as you know it will throw you off dieting course.  The way that your mood for the week is dictated by that one encounter with SoD.  The way that you wish the time away from WI to WI because you.  Just.  Want.  Rid.  Of.  It.  The Diet becomes all-consuming.  Somewhat ironically.  Again, the blogging world helps as otherwise my only yardstick is the dieting world portrayed by the media.  And none of THOSE women take 3 months to lose a stone.  Oh no.  THEY lose weight at a dizzying rate.  I am pleased for them and I hate them.  Shameful, I know.  If I could have any super power it would be to eat what I want without putting on any weight.  Yes, above flying, invisibility, super-strength – above ANYTHING.  Okay, radiant beauty would be beguiling, but for me, that’s the same as being slim.  Radiant beauty and a permanent diet or me and able to eat anything?  It’s a toughie.  As it is I strongly suspect I will have to settle for me and a permanent diet.

Last week I lost – as predicted – 1lb.  This week I STS.  I am not unduly surprised as I didn’t have a good week and my period is overdue (nope, not pregnant – in case that’s where your thoughts went).  I panic ate some pretzels and sweets at work during a stressful time and then we went out for dinner on Saturday.  Yes, I tried to rein back apart from that but I’m still not surprised.  This means I have 13 weeks to lose 18lbs.  I know in my heart of hearts I can’t do it (especially as my birthday is in there) but it’s very difficult not to hope and agonise.  Maybe it’s more that my head knows it’s impossible but my stupid heart is too stubborn to believe it.

Fatloss Forecast:
This week (all 2 days so far) has been scrupulously good.  Let’s see what the WI brings (whilst crossing every appendage, obviously).  I may be seeing one of my best friends on Tuesday and next week is looking like a stressful (ie very busy) work week but I’m hanging out for a reasonable loss.  I’ve had a lot of small ones recently – I’d like 2lbs+ please (okay, I’d like 4lbs+ but even I have to be reasonable).  The following week is looking more tricksy with a short work trip to Preston (yes, I know, I live a life of international level glamour) and, more excitingly, a long-booked themed evening at our local restaurant focussing on lobster and scallops.  6 courses.  With wine.  I’m not at all convinced by their wine choices but ready to be converted.  More on this, I suspect, next week – if I get time to write.

May your SoDs be kind.

Friday, 5 June 2015

On a (chin) roll

Well, I suppose a 1lb loss is ‘solid’ but it’s a bit disappointing.  Don’t get me wrong: I’ll take it and I’m only too aware how much worse it could be.  But I guess I’m having a phase where it all just feels like a bit of a slog.  I think it goes in circles – admittedly you only get the novelty factor once but otherwise it swings between acceptance and rebellion.  Acceptance feels like plodding on, not giving it much thought – just doing it, to bastardise the cheesily American slogan.  Rebellion has a whole range of emotions attached: sadness, anxiety (over social occasions and how to minimise their impact and of course, fear of Scales of Doom), resentment (but I want an X and it’s so unfair I can’t).  Guilt pervades all.  I am pretty damn virtuous and on plan, but using syns, thinking about using syns – all this makes me guilty and anxious.  In a nutshell: dieting is not fun. 

I do think it helps a little with the self-loathing though.  I know I’m ‘doing it’.  Ultimately I should look less repulsive; I repeat this in my head when looking in the mirror, when hating what I’m wearing.  P says he can see a difference but I suspect, unless he has some kind of fat-activated x-ray vision, he’s deluding us both.  I can’t.  And I remember on LL it took over a stone before anyone started to notice – and I’m back to just below my starting LL weight.  I reckon it’ll be another stone before it’s remotely impactful or visible.  And given that I’m going so s-l-o-w-l-y that could be another three months.  Sod it, that deserves an emoji: L

We are off to Canada in 15 weeks: I should probably think of that as a 15lb loss.  But really I want to lose a stone and a half (minimum tbh) – now, I’m BAD at maths and BAD at the weird number of (smaller) things to (bigger) things (seriously, the explanation of currency in Harry Potter makes as much sense to me) but I’m reasonably sure that’s, um, 21lbs (it IS 14lbs = 1 stone, right?) and that is quite a difference.  I’ll probably put that ON in the 2 ½ weeks we’re there, no problem.  Ah well, we’ll see – I can only do what I can do (infuriatingly). 

And exercise?  Weirdly it has no effect on my weight loss.  I thought this made me a freak but I have read quite a bit of research which shows that it doesn’t necessarily affect weight.  It clearly DOES in some people.  But even when I was running (and hating it) three times a week AND on LL 600 calories, no difference.  Even when I was cycling in to work most days (9miles), no difference.  I’ll still be hiking at weekends but because I LIKE it, not because I expect it to have any impact (okay, I always hope it does but even when recently we did a mammoth 13 miler of which the last 2 miles were hell and I really don’t know how I made it, no impact on scales).

Fatloss Forecast:
Reader, I did something terrible yesterday: I ate 2 WHITE rolls (tiger rolls if it makes a difference – absolutely zero nutritional merits).  I’ve severely kept the carbs down since I started: brown rice once or twice a week, very occasional pasta, even more occasional homemade wholemeal seeded bread.  But P had bought the enticing tiger rolls and I wanted them SO MUCH.  Anyhow, it’s done and I can’t be weeping over bread now.  No booze for me at the weekend though to try and offset the damage.  I ought to have syns in the bank for the rolls but I can’t quite believe it won’t derail me (see opening para).  The other thing is that I’m meeting a friend for drinks on Tuesday evening – she almost always cancels at the last moment though.  I ought to have a solid loss unless I do something stupid.  That seems to be -1lb.  We’ll see.