Monday, 18 August 2008

Silence is ominous

It's been ages since I last wrote - and you can always assume from that that it's not going well. In fact I had got myself so worked up and in such a negative twisted spiral that I've just stopped to try and sort myself out a bit. I was consistently having a bar in the morning then falling prey to the smack table and so not having any further packs to compensate. It was seriously doing my head in - literally. I seemed to have nothing in between packs and binge. So, given that I was going to stop this Friday for a bit anyway, I actually stopped last Friday. I am trying to find some calm and moderate eating - which I am doing and doing much better than the faux packs diet - but still finding difficult, the lure of sugar is no less seductive with some fruit, veg and protein inside me. My fear was that I'd come off packs and eat everything in sight, thus compounding that pattern of behaviour where I'm either starving (packs) or binging. Especially since I'm essentially stopping to treat myself on my birthday before we go away - and I will be having carby stuff that day that I would ordinarily not have (really! There is a lot of denial in my diet - it probably just doesn't sound like it!) like scotch pancakes for breakfast which will be the kiss of death I know, as I will be hungry again about 2 hours afterwards but will thoroughly enjoy and will simply eat something else as nutritionally bankrupt when I get hungry again!

I have kept up the running. I even tried to up my runs - I'm currently doing 40 mins of run for 3 mins, walk for 1 min but I tried to alternate 4 mins and 3 mins run. I only managed 2 x 4 mins runs and on the third had to cut it to 3mins - and then needed to walk 2 mins to recover before I could run again and even then I could barely run I was so tired with such wobbly legs! Now, it was the day before my period started which is when I'm particularly tired and weak but even so, the level of exhaustion was still very pronounced and I've been too scared to try again since then. Again, I'll do my normal 3 runs this week but next week will only be 1 or 2 and then I'll be in Wales for the next 2 weeks. So currently, the plan is to come back from Wales, start running again (which I know from experience will be tough) and once I've got used to that again, then have another go at increasing the runs.

Bf got very narked with me this morning as I went out running in the rain. I thought I was being rather heroic and was rather impressed with myself but he was extremely annoyed and thought I was stupid and irresponsible (and worse words) as I just went in leggings and a t-shirt as normal. I did get quite wet but wasn't cold, but as he was leaving the flat - frothing at the mouth with irritation and crosspatchness - he was saying something technical about warmth/coldness which I didn't understand. He ran for the county as a teenager and knows alot more about it than I do (not hard!) and I think he makes the assumption that I know some of this stuff too. I really didn't think there was a problem in getting wet (apart from aesthetics!) but it sounds as if there might be - would rather he didn't get so angry with me about it though, I would have been happy to listen to advice. Have sent friendly email as an olive branch and hope he won't still be annoyed when he comes home tonight (but will fret about the prospect all day).

Thursday, 7 August 2008

Who needs men?

Met up with a friend last night - it's the first time we've properly got together and chatted and it was fabulous! I left on almost a high and despite going to buy bf pizza from M&S on the way home, managed to avoid all naughtiness - because I felt happy I think. Friend and I were joking that it was like a date - the whole actually getting together and would we get on or not thing - and I doubt that a mere man could give me that shot of happiness that a good girly chat can achieve.

Which is all the better as I had a particularly naughty day yesterday - I had a meeting first thing in a private company where they'd provided breakfast from Pret. If you work for the public sector you tend to have that student mentality around anything free and I had half a breakfast baguette, a muffin (let's be honest, a cake), a glass of apple juice and some fruit. Then had some sweets from the smack table and a few chocolates. So it was a pack-free and senseless day on the eating front. Must get back on track for these last couple of weeks. And I need to work out what I can do in the future - both to lose weight and to not put weight on. It's a big question and I don't feel equipped to answer. I know some of what I must NOT do but that doesn't make it any easier actually.

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

Tough love - and dilemmas

So I was talking to Naughty R last night and was talking about why I have this emotional attachment to food and she said "You're just fucking greedy"! It made me laugh. Maybe she's right - but if so, why am I greedy when I know it causes me pain in the long run? Can't help thinking there's more to it than that but maybe I'm deluding myself.

Dilemma #1: I have seen a potential dress for my brother's wedding. I've only seen it in a supplement and I have no idea if it would actually suit me, although it looks promising. It's dark olive with a pale olive sash detail and I wanted to get some coloured clashing shoes - Naughty R suggested yellow, which would be perfect. I was passing a Hobbs this lunchtime and in their sale they have some gorgeous (if high) yellow peep toe shoes, reduced from £139 to £39. The dilemma is: do I get them and gamble on the dress being right or do I wait and gamble on being able to buy yellow shoes (as nice) later in the year? I dithered but the helpful sales assistant in the store said I could call them and have them set aside but of course when I DID call the unhelpful sales assistant (a different one) said not! Now I can't readily get them I'm stressing that the decision will be taken away from me.

Dilemma #2: Naughty R is keen for us to join a gym. In theory I'm quite interested - especially as there's one in between our offices that's £50 a week (and £39 joining fee) but only when I'm not paying £66pw for packs. But could I/should I still run? Or should I stick to the running? I don't enjoy it but my mother said she can see my thighs are slimmer and it's free. And should I join a gym at all? Hmmmm

LL class was annoying. The same two women massively monopolised the session and the rest of us just sat there whilst they talked and talked and talked about themselves. And the whole attitude of 'packs are good and healthy' annoys me. They're not healthy, they're a quick fix. Losing weight is obviously good for your health but that's where it stops. I know - and feel they should too - that the healthy way to lose weight is with a healthy diet and loads of exercise, it's just that that's bloody hard and takes alot of time, effort, focus and determination - none of which I have much of. I will NOT be incorporating packs into my life, long-term as was suggested - there's a new bar that the LLC said is for management. I queried why you'd want a bar on management and LLC said it's convenient to carry around. It's a crutch! Not a bar! A crutch! And not one I'd want. And it's covered in chocolate - how's THAT for twisted thinking, healthy? I don't think so - so let's not pretend otherwise. Phew, bit of a rant there.

Monday, 4 August 2008

Food is not the answer...

But I don't know what the right question is. I'm really grappling with why I'm finding it so hard to stay abstinent and why food seems to matter so much. I have lots of questions - which are basically all permutations of 'why?' - but no answers. I can say to myself that it's just food and it doesn't matter - but it does. But why? See what I mean... Anyone with any answers please let me know before I drive myself completely mad. It's quite disturbing.

So from this you will gather that I'm still doing my half pack, half food, completely un-nutritionally balanced version of the diet. I've lost a bit of weight but am still 3lbs up on where I was a couple of weeks ago. And it's really messing with my head (see above). I only have a week and a bit before I come off LL for almost a month and that doesn't help with the impetus to keep going. The trick will be not to go mad when I'm off LL - one thing that my current lack-lustre, half baked, off-plan foolishness has proven is that I don't need large quantities of food to get by, that's just greed.

I am still going on with the exercise though (and intend to carry that on, LL notwithstanding) - last week I did 3 x 40 mins runs (3 mins running, 1 min walking) and 2 x 45 min walks and I'm intending to do the same this week. This morning's run was the hardest one for a long time - I just felt exhausted and got a stitch about halfway through. Yesterday I had a pack first thing, then some popcorn that my 3 year old neice made me and 3 of her fizzy cola bottles, then about 4tsp of peanut butter and a small piece of brie in the evening followed by a final pack. Perhaps that's too bonkers a diet to run on and that's why it was so hard.

It's Naughty R's inaugral session at my LLC tonight - will be interesting to see what she makes of it. My time there will be much improved by her being there but I feel a bit mean that I'm only likely to do this Monday and next and then to disappear until 22 September. And that's if I can bear to go back. Which I will have to if I put too much weight on given that I've got my brother's wedding to the chav at the end of October and want a nice frock for the occasion.