Monday, 28 July 2008

A bit blue

No, I won't be writing porn - not that type of blue - but feeling a bit down. Which is ironic as the scales say I'm up. 10lbs up in fact. A week's worth of eating results in this - a cautionary tale for gluttons everywhere! I know I hit the chocolate in an insane way (no sordid details as I'm both ashamed and incredulous) but otherwise my choices were pretty sensible and there's NO WAY I have eaten 35,000 calories over and above what my body needs to tick over (working on the equation that 1lb in weight = 3,500 calories). I hope and assume that at least 7lbs of that is my glycogen going back on and that that will come off 3-4 days hence. It does rather beg the worrying question of what will happen when I'm back eating properly, full time? Clearly I can't allow that sort of lardage to zoom back on in that sort of timescale. Or at all actually.

Back on packs today and going to try and keep to the straight and narrow now until c25th August (a mere 4 weeks away) to lose the 10lbs and hopefully a further 11lbs to take me into the stone bracket I was in last week and on to the next stone bracket down. Which I'll ping straight back into when I start eating again! Arghhhh.

And things are bit pebbly with bf. Not as bad as rocky but we're basically not a good match in that I tend towards being a bit needy and clingy which is brought out by him being a bit of a cold fish. The cooler he is, the needier I get and the needier I get, the cooler and more detatched he gets. And he LOVES his work (lucky him) but that means that I feel very much a second fiddle - looooong days, boozy nights out 'networking' and calls, texts etc (he was texting from the bath which I determinedly didn't comment on).

I'm probably being ridiculous but I often feel that at best I irritate him and at worst, well.... put it like this, I never feel very secure. He would say that this is more about me than it is about him. He may be right but it doesn't make it any more comfortable, and right now I feel quite small and sad. Again, quite ironic since I'm actually quite big and sad. And feeling like this really triggers anxiety about my appearance. The only real enthusiasm I can think of from bf was me losing weight so if I feel he's being particularly cool and distant I feel a real need to lose weight and quick and demonstrably. I can see this is a bit skewed and warped but I guess it's actually quite useful while I am bulbous. If I were ever lithe and slim it might be more of a concern. I'm a sturdy girl though with a labrador like greed and so this is unlikely to ever be an issue!

So blue because of weight gain, blue because of bf and generally feeling quite frumpy and graceless. And ran very slowly this morning (due to not enough sleep because of fretting) and was definitely graceless as I puffed, hippo-like, around the park - no endorphin highs for me damnit. Perhaps I'll feel a bit brighter tomorrow if I get a good night's sleep tonight. Sorry for being so whingy.

No comments: