Monday, 14 April 2014

Cry fowl

I'm back - back at work and back on the blog.  Things are still tough but I'm trying to capture a bit of a 'new term' vibe.

I haven't weighed myself since my last post, dear Reader.  I've been feeling so bad about myself that I was just too chicken to face the malevolent SoD - I do not share Seren's optimism that it will treat me anything but cruelly.  I have to do it - I know I do.  I've earmarked Wednesday for The Deed but I feel no sense of determination or resolve.  As Caroline pointed out, it's tough to lose weight when you've had three meals out, no matter how sensible (Mothers' Day - grrr).   And Hazel: damnit, that weigh in was PRE those meals.  Shiver, quake, cluck, cluck, cluck...

But thank you all for all your comments - it's really heartening to know that on pretty much the only place I feel I can 'speak' that I can get support and advice.  I actually find it incredibly difficult to talk about my feelings in real life - if bottling things up ever were to become an Olympic sport, I would be supreme champion - so this outlet is extremely important to my vestiges of sanity.

I've worked really hard on the decorating - and no sooner did the achiness from that ease than I got us lost on a moderate hike which then turned into a mammoth hike, just to get back to the car.  I always feel I ought to get more of a SoD acknowledgement of exercise.  I don't really understand why it doesn't work for me, Gabby.  When I did LL and was thus surviving on 550 cals of artifically flavoured dust a day, I was running (or at least, doing the couch potato to 5k plan) and it made NOT A JOT of difference.  Ditto when I've been a gym bunny. 

I pretty much have to stick with the low-carbing thing, Lisa, because of the diabetes thing and it is noticeable how it smooths out my blood sugar levels.  But I think I need to cut it to the bone, as Stephanie and Amy have alluded to - maybe I'm somehow mis-managing it with the odd (carefully chosen but nonetheless) pudding.  I think this is one of the reasons I'm afraid to approach SoD as I've eased up on the carb restrictions whilst we've been decorating: I've told myself that I was doing physically enough that the carbs would be burnt straight away but as Amy, Hazel and Stephanie have hinted at, it's easy to deceive yourself or just honestly make a mistake.  Constant vigilance, as Madeye Moody would say.  Although possibly not about dieting.

I'm actually thinking about stopping seeing the psychologist.  She's very nice but I find it very hard to talk anyway and work are not happy about me coming in an hour late once a fortnight (no matter that I work over my hours pretty much every day).  Also, although it's interesting and has been a bit helpful to discuss my dysfunctional childhood, the elephant in the room is me and I how I feel about my weight.  I've talked about it (well, sobbed, really) but she can't make me slim and she can't make me feel anything but very unhappy about the way I look - so really, what's the point?  Rhetorical question there.


amy said...

Hang in there, sweet girl.

caroline said...

Well done P. you are able to keep an open mind with regard to everyones comments. The weight thing IS hard, if it was easy we would all (in the world) be thin.
Its interesting you mention about your dysfunctional childhood: each time I've sought help with my eating I've had to trawl through it with yet another person. I find it emotionally exhausting so no longer keep seeking help (I think I'm beyond help, truly, not in jest). Recently I was writing about the events in my manuscript and I felt so down and awful for the days I was doing it and again, whenever I read over it I become engrossed and feel down.
My point is, it is a massive thing and you cannot undo it. we are each a product of our upbringing like it or not.
I'm sorry this won't make you thin either but may help you not to beat yourself up. Take care. Cx

Hazel said...

To tell you the truth, I think that the dysfunctional childhood thingy is a bit of a red herring with regard to weight. If everyone with childhood 'issues' were big, then we'd all be the size of a house!

Equally, my entire generation who grew up with 'if you eat all your dinner you can have a sweetie' or 'you can't leave the table unless you've cleared your plate' would all be screwed up with food issues; but we are not. Perhaps as Caroline says, we are the product of our upbringing (although I am not convinced), but we are certainly *not* hostage to it.

'Eat less, do more' is still the science of the issue - and keeping your sugar levels stable by keeping your carbs down (tempting as the puds are!), will keep your diabetes as well as your appetite in check.

It's a war not a battle, but you WILL find the way through with your determination! I like the idea of C25k - good idea - although 'Up and Running' the online girls' training outfit are doing a 'walk to fitness' course if that would suit. Can you find a friend to do something like that with? It would make all the difference and you'd feel less alone - it's a bit easy to retreat to us virtual buddies where what you need is a real life regular exercise chum. Can't you drag your hubby out for a walk in the evenings now the weather is better?

Chin up and onwards and upwards! :-)

Seren said...

As always, I wish I was there for tea and sympathy because you seem to have such a raw deal with regards the scales. Still, I don't need to tell you that ignorance is not always bliss - getting back on them tomorrow is the right thing to do. The ideal would be to disassociate those numbers with any sort of emotional context so they are a measure of your gravitational pull - no more, no less. Of course, if you work out how to do that you're probably on your way to becoming a dieting millionaire... :-)

The reason I like (or, rather, tolerate) WW is that pointing doesn't allow you to deceive yourself with regards what you are consuming. I think some sort of monitoring system - although what you measure and how might be the question - is a good thing. Yes, it can encourage obsessive behaviour but my view is sometimes a little bit of obsession is necessary.

And as for the psychologist - I got quite a lot out of my last round of counselling but I think you need to go in to it with very clear, agreed goals in mind so it doesn't end up as just an hour of talking about "stuff" however cathartic that might be. Have you talked to her about what you are trying to achieve through the sessions? Is your aim the same as hers? Something to think about perhaps.

Wow, I think I just wrote a novel on your post. Can you tell that I am supposed to be studying?? Best of luck with the scales tomorrow lovely girl, and be sure and come back here for more virtual hugs and hot drink administration.


PS If you wanted a VIRTUAL couch to 5k buddy - I'm thinking of taking the plunge after Easter...?