Monday, 31 March 2014

The bitterest pill

So, I wish it were that my pills were preventing me from losing weight – I really do.  Unfortunately, as ever, it’s my hateful body.  There’s a small body of thought that the pills might make it easier to lose weight but most of the thinking is that they have no impact.  Not even the paranoid world of the internet seems to summon up a single person that thinks that it causes its victim to put weight on.
So, no, all my own work.
But thank you everyone for the words of support and suggestions – its means more than you can ever know.  I don’t talk to anyone about this – not a soul – and this is my only outlet.  I sometimes think I would go mad if I internalised it any more than I do.

I have been seeing this psychologist but she’s really there to help me stop doing things that make me put on weight.  Since that seems to essentially be existing and breathing, I’m not sure she can help.  She can’t help me lose weight and she can’t make me reconciled to that (let alone anything more positive), I am going to suggest we call it quits.  As it is, I am an hour late into work once every fortnight – which is not viewed with any degree of acceptance – and she comes into work 45mins early to fit me in.  So it’s a lot of pain for no gain.  Unless it’s of the lard variety.
Last Friday I lost 1lb and something.  Could have been 1.25lbs or 1.75lbs, can’t really remember.  I have to find some way to actually document this somewhere where it will never, never be seen.  I think that makes my net loss for the month something under a lb – possibly a 1/4 .  I know it’s better than nothing – but only a few ounces.  Literally.
This weekend, three meals out led to two puddings (but otherwise okay choices), one of which was worth it, one of which wasn't and I left about a quarter of each.  I ought to be able to take a moment to be proud that I was able to employ some willpower but of course, I’m dreading the – likely – savage judgement of SoD.
By Friday however, I will have done a day of painting –will that help do you think?  We have taken off a week and a half to paint the entire flat (walls, woodwork and ceilings) prior to long overdue flooring arriving.  All of which was precipitated by two leaks, one at either end of the flat.  (Surely all painting two bedrooms, two halls, two bathrooms and a living room ought to burn some flab?)  It will be good to get it done but it will stop us going on holiday this year (sudden lottery win apart).  The upside of THAT of course is that I won’t have the I’m-too-fat-and-I- have-nothing-to-wear pre-holiday panic.  Although that pretty much is my life at the moment.


Love Cat said...

Oh P.

Where is the justice?! How is any of this fair? I just don't understand what's going on and why medical professionals can't seems to come up with some sort of answer.

I think of you often and how impressive it is you've not murdered someone by now. I would most definitely be in jail by now.


caroline said...

Oh P, I've been following your recent posts. Do you want sympathy or constructive suggestion? If only the former then please delete this comment. Otherwise, totally objectively, I KNOW that if I went 'out for 3 meals' and had pudding twice in a week, I would gain weight. No matter if I chose the salad and the pudding was my only 'treat' that day.
If I weigh food, measure food, count calories accurately, I am amazed how quickly it mounts up and how little I actually get for 1400. I don't know your height but I am very small and know that I don't need many calories day to day , before I gain weight. I think I have a slow metabolism and I KNOW I eat a lot less than some of my friends. My point? objectively account for the food you eat for a few days, that means preparing it all and only eating things you know the calories of. I think you may be surprised.
Apologies if speaking out of turn.
My heart wrenches for you each time I read another post.
I'll get down now, sermon over. Take care. Cx

Seren said...

Well, I am going to do a little happy dance for your loss this week - be it 1 and a quarter or 1 and three quarter pounds, that is worth celebrating!

Eating out does make things so much harder - and it seems so unfair that sometimes one has to, literally, choose between having a life and getting a good result on the scales! I sometimes find myself looking forward to weeks like this one where there is nothing in the diary because I know I'll be able to keep on track properly.

Hopefully all that painting will help though - that sounds like hard work!

Good luck, I have everything crossed that SoD will be kind.


Peridot said...

Hi Caroline

DEFINITELY want constructive suggestions please! (Sympathy also welcome)

You're right that 3 meals out doesn't help (Mothers' Day - SO inconsiderate to the dieter) but sometimes these things must be done and all you can do (or all I can do at any rate) is to do the best job I can.

Calories is a confusing one. Because I'm low-carbing (and indeed high-fatting (not a pun. Although....)) I'm not supposed to count calories but carbs. I have tried to mesh diets in the past but have got myself in a right muddle. Possibly that says more about my own inadequacy but I get confused by all the - sometimes contradictory - rules.

Never feel you're speaking out of turn and tank you for the comment.


Lisa said...

Big hugs to you lovely, so many people would have said 'sod it' and thrown in the towel by now but you keep getting up and trying week after week and I applaud you massively for that.

I know you've said you're low carbing and that you dont want to mesh diets - which I totally agree with as they all seem to contradict each other! But if the low carb one isnt working would you consider trying something else? How long have you been doing it for? I've tried many diets in the past and for whatever reason some of them just didnt work for me despite others constant success on them so after a month to 6 weeks of giving it a go I'd try something else until I found something that did work.
Anyway, just want you to know that there are people out here rooting for you and cheering you on! xx

Stephanie said...


I've been reading your blog for a long time, but haven't commented before.

I'm older than you, and I'm dealing with a little weight gain and menopausal body fat changes.

I've discovered that I actually don't need very much food any more, but my appetite is the same as ever. It's unfair, but it's the truth.
Maybe you aren't doing your 'starve' days any more, but I always felt they were hugely counter productive - I think the body can have a 'boomerang' reaction, and then hangs on to every calorie once you start eating more again.

I'm sure diabetes complicates things, but my suggestion would be to concentrate on small amounts of very high quality foods. As for meals out, I think huge salads with fish or chicken / fresh fruit desserts might be a good choice - that way you can take part in celebration meals without worrying about it afterwards.

I'm sure things will improve for you.


Hazel said...

I'm another one of those annoying lurkers who enjoys reading your blog without (ever?) commenting - so I'm putting that right now!

Back to the basics of you are what you eat, and your thoughts about documenting food/weight loss away from prying eyes, why don't you go for on-line logging on something like MyFitnessPal? Make sure you log out when you are done, and set the appropriate privacy settings.

Put down every morsel, every gram of what you eat (it doesn't take a minute) and the site adds it all up (it splits out calories/carbs/sugars etc) and so you can really get to grips with what you are putting in your gob, and then if you need to do something about it, you are in position of knowledge.

If you're finding it hard (for whatever reason) not to eat more than you burn off, the psychiatry sessions should help you to change behaviour - if the psychiatrist is not doing you a lot of good, there are plenty out there who may be more helpful to you.

I think it's easy to underestimate meals out too (I wouldn't lose weight with three meals in one week, so you did pretty darn well to shed a lb) - I went into a Harvester the other day and found they have started putting the calorie counts against their meals - I was APPALLED at the amount, even in 'skinny' dishes! Even if I make a 'wise' choice I am still eating - say - half my day's calories in one meal, and that's without drinks or puddings.

A chum of mine has altered her & her hubby's eating to lo carb since he was diagnosed as type II diabetes and she's lost a stone and a half - says she doesn't get that MUST EAT feeling (when you consume the entire contents of the fridge in one go) at all now.

Wishing you well - I admire your persistence, and hope you can get out of this loop and into a happier frame of mind, leading to a healthier frame (of body!)

Lesley said...

I thought I'd commented but apparently not. Some good advice above and also hints that you're not alone. I still think low carbing is the best bet so hope you can make it stick.

But dont forget to enjoy life (even the painting!) as well.

Re hols, you're always welcome up here. Maybe you could do some dogsitting for us and have free holiday accommodation??

Lesley xx

Gabby said...

If I were you I'd be doing much renting of clothing and gnashing of teeth. Your determination is just amazing. Just to throw another bit of advice out there - you seem to know all there is about different diets and mixing and matching and what works for you. And I know you do a lot of walking (and possibly cycling I seem to remember?) but have you considered focusing more energy on the exercise component? Doing something different, high impact, or lifting weights - I remember reading another weight loss blogger who had great success once she started building muscle. Anyway, just a thought. x

amy said...

Hi There:

I was thinking about what Caroline said. With regard to low carb and "high-fatting," if your carbs are relatively low, but you are not going into ketosis due to occasional desserts, etc., you might be consuming a high-fat, high-calorie diet without getting the actual fat burning benefits of low-carb. Maybe you can do a week of low carbing, but actually keep track of total carbs and calories? This could give you a better idea of what you are actually consuming. Keep up the good work!!