Friday, 7 March 2014

Of literal and metaphorical bruises

I can’t believe I’ve been SO STUPID.  How can I POSSIBLY have allowed myself to hope that this time around was going to be any different?  Even after all evidence and history pointing to the impossibility of this?  Despite being really restrained on our weekend away, despite two hikes, one of which was extraordinarily tough, I put the whole 2lbs back on.  I thought I might lose a solitary lb; of course I hoped for more but I thought that was probably realistic.  And this is the worst thing about SoD – it wrecks my day, my week.  I feel so dispirited and so STUPID for thinking things might ever be any different for me.  It’s amazing how insidious hope is – even if you try and shut it out, it winkles its way back in.  Only to trip you up and leave you flat on your face, battered, bruised and humiliated.
Talking of bruises…. (and yes, my abdomen is still purple and yellow) I have the self-harm jeans on today.  I think they look better.  I think they do…. So I thought I’d wear them for dress down day.  I may live to regret this decision.  I may not live to regret it.  Actually, I may already be regretting it.  I’ve promised myself that I will wear my comfier (if alas, slightly too short) bootlegs over the weekend – on Sunday I’m working and on Saturday we’re just going to walk along the Thames for a few miles to enjoy the predicted good weather so I’ll just be in Converse (thus hopefully keeping my hem a little close to the ground).  I might have a fresh crop of bruises after my reckless behaviour today so it will give them some healing time!


Seren said...

Oh, I'm sorry. I really had everything crossed for you. I know that you will keep on keeping on and in the meantime all your fans are cheering from the sidelines.

Hope the self harm jeans, er, didn't...!


Lesley said...

Hunny.....I feel your pain. The rotten b*st*rd scales. You dropped those lbs once, you can do it again until they're gone for good.

I'm quite alarmed by those jeans though. I have a pain which look great if I stand upright and do not attempt to sit, walk or bend at the middle. I made the mistake of wearing them to a birthday lunch....oooowwww!

Big hugs. L xxxxx

Lesley said...

I hope you made it through dress down day without further jeans related damage?? L xx