Friday, 9 May 2014

Blimp blip

I’ve not been feeling well for a while and skipped eating a few times so hoped for this to be reflected on SoD on Wednesday WI: I had put on 1 ¼lb – taking me to Repulsive.7 ½ lbs.  I’ve – obv – been fretting about this ever since so decided to WI again today to reassure myself that it was just a blip: yes it was, I’m now Repulsive.9 ½ lbs.
Now, I understand why a few of you take issue with my verbal descriptions of the stone brackets – in your place, I’d probably say the same.  But the fact is that this is pretty much the only space I can be honest in.  Admittedly I don’t talk about my weight to anyone in the ‘real’ world (although I am sure they’ve noticed that I’m the size of a Barrett starter home) – I even avoid talking to my husband about it.  But if he did ask, I feel obliged to be positive – the ‘slow progress but learning all the time’ line which is, let’s be honest, a lie.

The fact is that I feel beyond repulsive – I feel so much more repellent than that.  All the way to the core (through all those layers of flab).  There is no word for how I feel and it’s only getting worse.  I am tired of the subterfuge and the pretence that one day it will all suddenly fall into place and I’ll lose weight steadily like a ‘normal’ person.  I’m tired of saying it’s all okay, that next week will be different, that I have good qualities (because, frankly, if you pushed me, I couldn’t name one).
I’m tired full stop.  All I want to do is read – which is a double edged sword in that I forget how much I loathe myself and can escape to another world (good) but all the female protagonists have one thing in common: they’re good looking and this is essentially what leads to their happy-ever-after.  Or sleep – because if I’m unconscious I don’t know what I look like or feel the pain that that brings.  Perhaps I could do a Sleeping Ugly and wake up in 100 years - surely not eating for 100 years would make me slimmer?

So I AM (at the very least) Repulsive – nudging upwards to…. I’m not sure what but clearly will have to get my thinking cap on – and will I ever move down to hit the Obese bracket?  It seems increasingly unlikely.


Seren said...

I do not want to leave this post without a comment because it is so sad and I just wanted to make sure you knew someone was thinking of you...I just can't quite figure out what to say at the moment that would be of any help.

There are two very separate strands here and the one is about what can one, practically, do to get the weight loss moving - because the basic laws of science say that at a certain point you've got to be creating enough of an energy deficit to burn fat stores.

And the other is that it is making you so, so miserable. Which I understand, I do, God knows I barely looked in a mirror for a year. But being overweight does not mean you are devoid of good qualities. I've only met you once but I would have said you were spilling over with them and are someone I would be incredibly proud to call a friend. You are intelligent and interesting and witty and kind. They are all qualities to be valued highly, far over and above the way someone looks.

Be kind to yourself, lovely. Or I WILL descend on you and force you to look at umpteen pictures of my cat doing boringly feline things. And I know that you are more of a dog person...


Linz M said...

I don't really have any words of wisdom either, but I hate to see you so miserable.

You are doing as much as you can, it's unfair that you don't get the results you deserve, but you should not be defined by the number you see on the scales.

I have no clue what you look like or how big you really are, but I refuse to believe you are repulsive. No one is. I am pretty sure I am twice the size you are and as much as I am struggling at the moment, I have never felt repulsed by my size. Annoyed at myself for being lazy or greedy at times, but I've learnt to like myself. I hope you can do the same.

I echo Seren's comment - be kind to yourself xx

Lisa said...

Another comment just to reiterate what the others have said - you are not defined by a number on the scales and I refuse to believe you have no good qualities!!

Also just to let you know that there are people out here rooting for you and thinking about you.

I dont know what the answer is - I wish I did but please dont think so badly of yourself. And I love reading too and while yes, the heroines usually are all slim and gorgeous - the reason they get their happy ending usually lies in some other great traits they posess such as loyalty, humour, work ethic and general niceness - all of which I'm sure you posess and more!

Chin up lovely and please do be kind to yourself x

amy said...

Hi There, Lovely Girl.I hope your are feel better about things. If I were you, I would choose a reasonable number of calories, say 1200, and stick to it. If you can't lose weight on that, go to your doctor, and see what can be done. This way, you can at least be sure that you have done everything you can. Keep your chin up! Your blog friends are here for you!