Now, I understand why a few of you take issue with my verbal descriptions of the stone brackets – in your place, I’d probably say the same. But the fact is that this is pretty much the only space I can be honest in. Admittedly I don’t talk about my weight to anyone in the ‘real’ world (although I am sure they’ve noticed that I’m the size of a Barrett starter home) – I even avoid talking to my husband about it. But if he did ask, I feel obliged to be positive – the ‘slow progress but learning all the time’ line which is, let’s be honest, a lie.
The fact is that I feel beyond repulsive – I feel so much more repellent than that. All the way to the core (through all those layers of flab). There is no word for how I feel and it’s only getting worse. I am tired of the subterfuge and the pretence that one day it will all suddenly fall into place and I’ll lose weight steadily like a ‘normal’ person. I’m tired of saying it’s all okay, that next week will be different, that I have good qualities (because, frankly, if you pushed me, I couldn’t name one).
I’m tired full stop. All I want to do is read – which is a double edged sword in that I forget how much I loathe myself and can escape to another world (good) but all the female protagonists have one thing in common: they’re good looking and this is essentially what leads to their happy-ever-after. Or sleep – because if I’m unconscious I don’t know what I look like or feel the pain that that brings. Perhaps I could do a Sleeping Ugly and wake up in 100 years - surely not eating for 100 years would make me slimmer?
So I AM (at the very least) Repulsive – nudging upwards to…. I’m not sure what but clearly will have to get my thinking cap on – and will I ever move down to hit the Obese bracket? It seems increasingly unlikely.