Monday, 17 February 2014

Sweet enough

It’s been a long time and I have a lot to say.  You might want to nip off and make a cup of tea – this could take some time.
Work has been appalling.  If you’re yawning, I can’t say I blame you.  But it’s true.  I seem to be in a permanent state of nervous exhaustion.  I didn’t have to work over the weekend which was wonderful but the previous Saturday I had to be in for 9am, didn’t leave my desk until 6pm when I went home and started again at 7pm until midnight – and then worked solidly from 6am – 10.30am the following morning.  And I think I’ve got out at lunchtime three times since the beginning of December.  Sorry to moan, but it’s making life very difficult.
But that’s not the full story.
Do you remember I said I was being tested for my heart (which I was worried about) and diabetes (which I was not)?  Well I have my heart tests on Wednesday but I tested positive for diabetes.  It was a real shock – I am not thirsty, I do not need the loo a lot (just as well since that’s also something there is no time for in the working day) and I’m not losing weight inexplicably or explicably.  Sadly. 
It could explain my very, very cold feet.  It could explain my scalp psoriasis.  It could explain my headaches.  But none of these are very mainstream symptoms.
As is typical of my doctor, I just got a note in the post, together with my blood readings and a prescription.  I’m not keen on taking things and I strongly suspected that I was borderline and they just react in a mechanical way.  I checked my readings online though and they’re pretty damn high; there’s no room for doubt and I can see why they’ve put me on medication immediately.
When I look back, I’ve always had screwy blood sugar.  I dieted myself into this in my teens – that’s when I first started getting shaky, sweaty and faint if I’d not eaten and the only thing that helped was something carby and/or sugary.  I was the thinnest I’d ever been (or will ever be).  This continued with varying levels of frequency and severity for much of my life – definitely exacerbated by eating too much sugar or carbs.  Although the low carb diet did not give me the weight loss results I wanted, it definitely made me feel the most well – I never had to worry about getting ‘the shakes’. 
I’m not carb-obsessed.  Yes, I love cake – but it’s not a frequent part of my diet.  I’m not keen on pastry, I like good bread but despise indifferent bread, I like pasta from time to time and I really like rice although don’t eat it more than a couple of times a month.  But carbs are easy.  When I don’t have time to make lunch to take to work, buying an artisan roll from Pret (mmm) is quick, easy and delicious.  Even finding a salad without pasta/rice/couscous in is pretty impossible.  But clearly I need to cut my carbs right back down.  I’d still like to have a bit at weekends sometimes too so need to be super-strict during the week.
And my tablets are making me feel quite ill – I’d been warned that this is often the case but I thought I’d got away with it by researching to build the dose up and take in the middle of a meal.  All was mostly well until last night …. and then it was not.  Today I have quite bad stomach ache.  It can last a fortnight but apparently it’s worth sticking out if I can.  At least I’m not vomiting.
The truth is though that although I’m trying to be positive and empowering myself by reading up lots, I am not at all happy about any of this.  I feel a failure.  I know it’s certainly not the worst illness to have but I feel ashamed of it.  I know people will look at me and think I brought this on myself.  As it is, I eat pretty healthily.  Yes, I have a sweet tooth which does occasionally get out of hand – but actually not much.  I’ve only told P and my mum and sworn them both to secrecy.


Seren said...

Of course you're not a failure. OK, people carrying excess body weight have a higher likelihood of developing diabetes than those who are not but let's be really blunt about this - NO ONE has fought harder than you against the shitty hand that the metabolic gods have dealt them. If you had spent the last few years reclining on a couch eating bonbons while complaining about the fact that you could not lose weight - well, then it would be a different matter. But you haven't and it isn't.

And, the thing about diabetes is that you don't have to tell a soul - so no one has to know and make ill informed judgements.

Thinking of you, and, as ever, sending massive virtual hugs.


amy said...

Oh, you poor thing. Hugs from Baltimore, Maryland, USA. Of course you are not a failure -- that is absurd.

From what you say of your doctor, you will definitely need to thoroughly educate yourself on the subject. I think a great place to start is The Joslin Clinic is "the place" over here for treatment. Keep your chin up. Thinking of you!

Linz M said...

You are NOT a failure, I totally echo everything Seren has said.

Hugs xx