Make lemon cake! I did. Twice. We have this tradition at work that when it’s your birthday, you take in cake (hmm, what a birthday treat). I decided to make my triple lemon cake (although there was some pouting and agitating for brownies). I had cycled that day so I shot home and started making the cake bit immediately (being a triple cake, there are – surprise – three stages). It wasn’t until I got it out of the oven an hour and a half later (only an hour in the actual oven, folks) that I realised something was wrong. It hadn’t risen. This would be because I had used plain flour by mistake, sigh. I had to start again but had run out of lemons to zest for the sponge. So it was more like doublish lemon cake – the sponge wasn’t terribly lemony but then you soak it in a lemon syrup whilst it’s still warm. And then I was lemon icing it at 6am yesterday. Bf has nobly said he’ll eat the flat version btw. And the version I took to work was polished off, despite there not being many people in.
So, I had 2 pieces at work yesterday and went to a posh, cheap lunch menu Chinese with 2 friends yesterday (veg dim sum and a small portion (of yes, non-diet) sweet and sour chicken with rice). I also had half a dozen Celebrations – and then I felt awful. So awful I can’t tell you. So full and rather sick and so, so tired and apathetic that I could barely sit upright at my desk. I don’t think that my body responds terribly well to sugar overload – and I assume that’s what it was. I went home and still couldn’t eat, I felt so sick. I finally had some melon and parma ham at 9pm to try and balance my blood sugar levels for today.
But. I am SUCH a freak. All the time I was feeling so sick and so awful, my mind was busily seeking things I could eat - to make myself feel better. Now I knew that nothing was going to make me feel better and that any food was in fact likely to make me feel worse if anything. But I still had an almost overwhelming urge to eat my way out of it. I really can’t think of many things that are more stupid and more self-sabotaging than that. As it is, I’ve been working really hard to keep a lid on food this week – that a few treats don’t mean I have to abandon the diet entirely. Again, my mind is trying to reject usual choices for meals, wondering what naughties I could have instead, for the sake of it, just because I’ve had a couple of off-diet choices during the day. I am crazy, seriously I'm worried about my twistedness. And I'm absurdly all-or-nothing. Well, I’m not giving in to it - it's been usual meals pretty much, thank you. And I really need to work out what I can do about the eating-my-way-out-of-sickness lunacy too. Okay, I didn’t give in to it but it’s still freaking me out that my mind can (and does) work like that.
I did have a salutary lesson over lunch with my friends yesterday. I’ve quietly been feeling a bit sorry for myself about turning 40. Stupid, I know. Well, now I am ashamed of it. I used to work with these 2 girls and we have since all gone different ways. They told me about someone who joined my old team – who they were friends with - who was diagnosed with cancer at Easter. She died at the beginning of this month. She was 27 and they're going to her funeral next week. At least I get to see my 40th birthday (and hopefully a great many more); life can be fragile, it’s precious and we should enjoy every moment - not everyone is that lucky.
Happy bank holiday weekend everyone - enjoy every minute. See you on the other side of the big 4-0.