It sucks! Well, it does so far anyway although I’m determined that this won’t be the start of a decade long trend!
So, a quick resume of the birthday weekend:
We went to Brown’s for high tea with our 3 parents – it was fine, the tea was lovely and the service exemplary but always a bit of a strain keeping conversation going with that particular cast – but that’s families for you, right? Talking of strain, my dress looked nice but really was just an eensy fraction too tight (and that’s before cake) – fine to stand up in but not comfortable to sit on the sofa and eat in. I held myself so rigidly in fear that I would pop my button that I gave myself back ache. But despite all this, still managed to fit a few cakes in – yum.
Then the part of the weekend with bf and my mum at the tinhut. Oh dear. I tried so hard to keep them both happy that I just succeeded in making myself unhappy – and I didn’t achieve making them happy either. Bf can be terse and say some skin-flaying things and he does tend to be worse with my mum (who he sees as a bit of a moaner). She does tend to try and monopolise me and cuts him out (inadvertently or otherwise, I’m not sure). I just want them both to be happy and – just for this weekend – I wanted them both to want ME to be happy as their primary consideration. It culminated in bf’s comment of “Don’t forget we have to be back for our guests” on Sunday – talking about timescales for the day – causing my mother great offence as she decided she was being pushed aside (she was going home that day). She then told me that she’d not wanted to come anyway and wouldn’t again – further that she wouldn’t be spending time with me and bf again, just the 3 of us. I felt upset and sick about it for the rest of the time away and had to hide it from bf. Then bf was super-tetchy and grumpy on Sunday and Tuesday – on Tuesday I got torn off several strips over 1) breaking a wineglass, 2) not offering to drive in the correct way, 3) not telling him that I wanted him to come and collect the takeaway with me but hoping he’d volunteer and 4) telling my mum that one of the dogs threw up in the tinhut. I don’t know why he thinks having a rant at me in the manner of an adult addressing a small and stupid child helps. He’s still being fairly off-ish which means I have to work hard to be all cheery and bubbly to coax him out of it which is exhausting.
This is why being 40 sucks.
On the food front, hmm mixed success, I think; I haven’t gone mad but haven’t been especially moderate either (moderate to mad?!). I have chucked some stuff away which I always find hard – for example, had a couple of chips with my gourmet burger in a pub and decided they actually weren’t that great and didn’t bother finishing them and some crisps (only after I’d eaten 5/6 of the packet in disbelief that I didn’t really like them – this is more of a psychological triumph than an actual one). There was only one instance when I finished a pudding which actually wasn’t worth it (on my actual birthday) – I love this restaurant but their puddings are never actually that great. This one had a birthday candle in which somehow compelled me to eat it. Yep, not sure why that makes a difference! I also did 2 longer walks, a short one and cycled yesterday. On the negative side, I have eaten past the point of satiety on several occasions – actually most days now I come to think about it and I dare not get on the scales. I’m trying to get back on track but not really achieving it thus far. Reading this back, I don’t think this is mixed success at all – more like failure, just not quite of the abject variety.
So now I’m even more determined that at least the overeating must stop, even if the pointing up doesn’t happen until I’m back in the working world on 22nd September. And on holiday I’m determined that I can eat well and enjoy the – pretty healthy - food but not go mad. I’m feeling down enough that I want to eat – but I know that it will make me feel worse (physically AND psychologically). It ought to be a no-brainer.... Perhaps I have no brain? It would explain a lot!