Heartache

 I thought heartache/break was an emotional concept, but it turns out it’s physical. I have two distinct types - don’t know if this is typical - the most common feels like something heavy and stinging is being poured into my heart. It spreads horizontally and up to my chin. The other is like a pulse of electricity which again starts in my heart and zips down to my toes and up to my head. Both physically hurt. 

This is even harder than I thought. I feel so brittle that a nudge and I’d shatter. But that’s fanciful - all we can do is keep going. P is still here. He has good days or good parts of days. He was hospitalised with jaundice and had a stent put in, but is at home. We’re supposed to be going on holiday next weekend but the one thing I’ve learnt is that you can’t plan. Not even a day ahead - certainly not a week. 

And this is incredibly selfish but one of the things I find most difficult is that when he’s in pain or scared, he gets pretty mean and is quite unpleasant (and personal) to me. I need to just absorb it and let it go, but I find it so hard, I am just wretchedly miserable. And I am scared that this is how I’ll remember him. That wouldn’t be fair and I think would be very painful.