I feel so much more positive today. I don't know if it's because the sun is shining, or the fact that I feel more in control (or is it because I feel more positive that I feel more in control? chicken or egg I suspect) - I'm just glad to feel better.
Yesterday was a better day - it wasn't perfect, I had to get up at 4.45am for work (that is not a typo by the way) so I did have a skinny cappuccino at lunchtime and I did have a small amount of chocolate but I didn't go mad and let it spiral me into injesting scary amounts of sugar. I didn't have a pack at lunchtime because I didn't feel like it. Not perfect behaviour but I felt more in control and that made a big difference. And it made me think of a 'conversation' with Mrs L on black and white behaviour. This is a definite shade of grey but that's probably not a bad thing for me, a definite black and white girl. Another proof of flexibility (I feel) is that we're going out for a team lunch next week. Yes, in a way I'm dreading it - enforced eating can make me feel panicky and then result in me having a 'oh blow it' reaction and letting it become a trend. BUT my team wanted to go to Strada for pizza and I've managed to steer it towards Bar HaHa where they do a lovely looking salad (chorizo and squash - mmmm) which I feel will do me less damage (physically and psychologically) than pizza (as tempting as that sounds).
I walked in today. And it was a happy, energetic walk - such a contrast to the start of the week. Now, that was the day I came on (TOTM) so biorhythms may have played a part (never really noticed such things before so not sure). And today I changed bag from my much loved Roxanne - which even empty is very heavy and I carry either at arm's length or in the crook of my arm - to a cross the body bag which was lighter and made me feel much free-er. Although I'm not sure it's a flattering bag to have if you're dumpy, it was perfect for walking and I may just stick to it. I am starving now unfortunately - my stomach is making indignantly loud grumbles - but I'm really not going to give in today. Not at all.
And on the way in I thought about running. I've never thought that I could run. I'm pretty sure I won't like it but it IS an effective and cheap way of getting exercise. Ideally I'd join a swanky gym where I'd actually be happy to do a kickboxing class (god, I loved kickboxing), a dance class, a bodypump class and a pilates class but with my finances by the time I can afford this I will need a zimmer just to get there! There's a girl at my work who couldn't run for 2 mins (like me!) and started following the Zest book - Zest: Running Made Easy(http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1843404346/ref=ord_cart_shr?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE) where you build up from utterly useless to being able to run . She's doing the Marathon this year. And she eats sugar ALL DAY and is a slim and shapely size 10 - she hates running but it has great results. A bit like a VLCD - maximum results for least output but with a side order of pain to even up the score.
The reviews on Amazon for the Zest book look pretty good and I've heard other people have significant success with this. Somehow, b/f and I started talking about it last weekend and he'd do it with me which would make a difference in getting me off the sofa and out in the evening. I had said that I'd start in May as I hope to be off packs and on to food by then. But I've been thinking of Lesley, patron goddess of runners, who started running at about 16st on packs and now runs huge looking hills (a moment of silence in respect please). So maybe I could do it NOW. And I know I've got a few social occasions in March and running a bit might help offset those AND make me feel more in control. So, I think I might start next month. I've not got the book yet but have read about it and you start off with c16 mins, 1 min running, 2 mins walking. That doesn't sound too intimidating (although still challenging for a non-runner like me). I am worried that I might be the first person to fail on this (like I felt when I started LL) but I'm not going to let that stop me. I need some decent trainers (I have dodgy ankles so want to ensure they're proper running shoes, as supportive and cushioning as possible - and as cheap!), some cheapo kit (my old gym stuff is too big) and a sports bra. Gulp.
And I'm seriously considering some hypnotherapy to break my mental vicious circle of 'feel stressed and/or down, need sugar'. It would be a financial commitment which is scary (5-6 sessions @ £65 a session - and that's the cheap version) but if it worked it would have such a big impact on my life. I had 2 sessions for my arachnophobia several years ago and although I'm still pretty scared, I no longer hyperventilate, cry uncontrollably or go catatonic which were my previous reactions to spiders. I can manage the fact that I'm scared. I'm thinking about it anyway.