One step forward, two steps back

I'm finding life so hard at the moment that the diet is even harder. Foodwise, I've been good all weekend having had a bad Thursday and Friday at work - but on Sunday I was sufficiently upset that if we HAD had anything in the flat, I would have eaten it.

B/f and I went for a walk around the park yesterday in the freezing cold. We were talking about his birthday - it's the big 5-0 for him this autumn. He's usually very severe about me not getting him much, due to my debts and I hate it. I'm a big present-giver and I find it really hard not being able to buy him stuff. But he's not big on stuff in any case so for his birthday I was planning on taking him somewhere wonderful for dinner. Had originally thought of Manoir aux Quatre Saisons but it turned out that that would be about £1,500 for two nights! He said he didn't want a surprise but wanted to choose - and then brought up the money thing again. It often feels as though he's punishing me for having debts and it felt like that again (to be fair, money/debt issues give him the real heebie-jeebies). It all deteriorated and in planning out what we do have to pay out for this year, we started talking about weddings - my youngest brother is marrying for the second time in the autumn and b/f was saying that we won't be able to do much about his birthday as we'll have to pay out for that. So then we got into a wedding conversation and that's the worst thing for me. B/f said he did want to marry me but he hadn't done anything because he didn't see why he "should have to marry anyone who was fat". Although I'm still a size 16 he doesn't feel that anymore but now it's "shouldn't have to marry anyone who's in debt". Realistically that means we wouldn't be getting married until I'm almost 50 (having probably well over 10 years until my loans are paid off). And I'm not sure there's any point then. Yes, I'd lose my hated surname but I clearly couldn't have a wedding dress or big bash - it would look ridiculous. And so I think I'd just feel bitter about what I'd lost out on. What I've already lost out on.

I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I barely slept last night and that never helps but I woke up this morning and felt like I had an airlock inside me that if it came to the surface I'd disintegrate - it felt like a mixture of panic and misery. I thought I'd walk in as that might help but although I usually enjoy the walk, every step was a trial and a resentment and teeth-on-edge-stuff this morning. Then I got in and ate 3 chocolate biscuits - a link? Oh yes.

And I was actually my lightest yet pre-Christmas weight this morning too. Dare say I've wrecked that now.

I know I have to cheer up, lighten up and toughen up but I seem to have lost the ability to know how to go about this. And I can't quite bring myself to care.