Monday, 13 October 2008

Do it myyyyy wayyyy?

I'm still not well. I feel like I have a big lump stuck in the base of my throat and my throat is generally sore. I didn't run again this morning as I was feeling too rough and I am anxious about how hard it will be to get back to it properly. I had appalling mouth ulcers over the weekend - 4 although 3 of them eventually merged - which are at least getting better now. And my nails are crumbling which always makes me concerned about my bones. I am not a picture of health! Packs are not the panacea my last (foolish) LL claimed.

But I did do a (hilly) 7.5 mile walk on Sunday with my mother, her Labs and the bf and I did walk 2 miles in along the Thames path today. I actually saw someone running the path barefoot - I mean, wtf? On a sunny beach - all very nice, on a chilly day in urban London - dumb. Least he was running I suppose - unlike me! I bet I have nicer feet though!

I think I have enough packs to do my version of LL (3 packs, c100g protein and a piece of fruit) until the Great Chav Wedding(GCW). Which is just as well as I am scarily broke. I blame the GCW for this too. I still don't have an outfit - just 2 skirts - and am running out of time, impetus, money and interest. Another shopping session is planned for tomorrow to try and find top halves for either skirt after which I suspect I will have reached saturation point with the whole fiasco! Although I am still mildly keen on buying shoes. I think I developed a love of shoes when I was at my fattest - you can still have lovely accessories, whatever your size - but even then felt I couldn't wear anything too pretty/showy/high heeled. I still feel like a bit of a heifer - comments from Dr Bonkers notwithstanding (see previous entry) - but suddenly have an urge to learn to walk in heels without agonising pain or crippling myself by falling over. This could be a challenge.... For my other brother's wedding I put on a pair of 3.5" heels and promptly fell over. I hadn't even walked anywhere, just stood up!

And post GCW - what to do? I have something on most weekends in November which would mean hopping on and off LL and I'm not even thinking about December. So I'm tentatively thinking about re-trying the off-piste VLCD. That would be something for breakfast that I haven't really cracked yet (can only think of Slimfast bar), some soup for lunch (either homemade or 1/2 carton of Covent Garden or similar) and some protein with salad/veg in the evenings. And 1-2 pieces of fruit. I think that would still be under 800 calories or so and thus still a VLCD but perhaps I am deluding myself in my keeness to leave packs behind. But surely I'd still lose weight reasonably rapidly if I stuck to that? The sticking to it bit being the magic pill of course. I have a track record of going spectacularly off plan when I try and go it alone. But I have to crack this or I'll forever be yo-yo-ing on and off packs - not a fun way to live. And these pills that Dr Bonkers has prescribed are supposed to help with all that - I can't know whether to continue them (with all the hassle that that will inevitably entail with my GP) unless I actually try them properly.

I won't be at my thinnest for GCW and I won't be in the next stone bracket down (roughly the same thing actually) which makes me anxious and also feelings of hopelessness creep in - which leads to eating - which leads to putting on alot of weight in a scarily short space of time, based on past performance. I must not let this happen. GCW will be grim enough without feeling self-conscious and knowing that I messed up my chance to give it a good go. So, concentrate until then and see where that takes me I think.

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