Monday, 30 June 2008

Big fat failure

I'm doing appallingly. I have lost 1lb in the last 10 days - that's with 4 runs and a 7 mile walk. And I don't make it easy on myself - I picked at some sweets on Friday and then picked at some protein at the buffet on Friday night (I didn't eat what I wanted but felt I needed to have a little), I was fine on Saturday and then on Sunday I ate half a dozen cherries and grapes and today - very down about the 1lb - I've eaten some kiddy sweets from our snack table. And I'm obsessed with going back for more and more and more, despite the fact that I feel miserable that I had any in the first place. I'm not going to though, I'm just not. I can't, I mustn't. There's no point in making a bad situation worse. I just find this vicious circle of not losing, so feeling down, then eating, then not losing so impossible to break out of, it's ridiculous. And every day I swear to myself that I'm going to be strong - but I guess I don't feel it, I feel small and sad on the inside and fat and sad on the outside.

And the running is such a slog. I feel a failure that I don't enjoy it - I positively dread it in fact. And I'm not progressing I think this is the 3rd week I've done week 9 - and now I discover that I've actually not been doing week 9 at all. Week 9 is 3 mins running and 1 min walking for 36 mins - I've been doing 32 mins. I did the full programme today but am losing heart. I don't do this for fun, I do it to lose weight and clearly that's not happening right now.

My LLC said I need to focus on healthiness but I don't care about it! I just want to look better. I also don't actually think LL is the right choice for healthiness - it's great for fast results (well, not at the moment for me clearly but otherwise and for people whose bodies obey them) but if I were being healthy I'd be doing Food Doctor or something similar. And failing at that too, no doubt!

My LLC also wants me to stop weighing but I know I won't do that. If I did, I'd have to feel this miserable until at least next week whereas if I can start dropping lbs then I will feel better and more able to stick to it - a virtuous circle I really need to get into the groove of.

I have WI tonight. It might well show a gain - I was only 1lb down on my own scales and have eaten sugar in the form of the kiddy sweets and my last WI was in the morning when I'd had nothing to drink or a pack whereas tonight will be in the evening after 3 packs and water (and the sweets). I'll do the usual of stopping water 2 hours before WI but I think my chances aren't good.

After tonight I am going to try my utmost to have a clean week and see what happens. No picking and keeping on with the running. And if I don't have a big loss next week then I will have to think about giving up. I hope it doesn't come to that but I can't really believe that my pathetic performance this week has been down to picking, I haven't eaten enough - there's something else going on and I don't know what else to do.


Charlotte said...

P - I've just read your blog honey and I'm so sorry to hear you feeling down like this.

There's so much I want to say to the various points you raise, I'm not sure where to start.

But first off, if you've read Taubes, you KNOW that your body is extremely clever at holding onto its weight. Let's face it, even with your (miniscule) cheats, you're still eating way less than you should need in order to lose weight. But please stop hating your body, please... it's just doing what it thinks is best and holding onto its fat stores to survive the next Ice Age (or whatever our bodies think).

You know I'm also struggling to lose any weight. And I only have to have one day of being slightly off IPD to put back on everything I would have lost from one to two weeks of being Utterly Brilliant. I read the stories on P2T and feel utterly despondent - I weigh precisely 6 pounds less than I weighed on bloody January 1st!! There are people on there that have shifted 50 pounds since then!

If you do fancy meeting up for a coffee or a walk, or something after work... just let me know. It would be lovely to meet you.

Dil x

Charlotte said...

Also - you are NOT being pathetic by "only" doing 32 minutes rather than 36!

God, I went out for a run yesterday and could only manage 15 minutes before limping home.

You are doing brilliantly to be able to run AT ALL on the few calories you are eating. And even though you are in ketosis (are you? I'm not entirely sure how it works with the VLCDs) it's definitely not the same as running on low-carb.