Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Lousy lingerie and other tales of woe from the chubster

As preparation for the New Diet, I weighed myself this morning. It was a shock. I had to steel myself to do it, so you would think that I was ready for the worst but oh, I’m only a stone off my pre-LL weight. I know I’m fat – I saw photos from Christmas Day where I clearly sported two chins and I have practically nothing to wear (including a coat) as nothing fits me – but to be faced with that evidence is pretty miserable. I need to do a Lesley and not implode with shame, grief and despair but use it to fuel my determination that it won’t go any higher – and indeed that by the end of January I’ll be feeling much better about myself. The thing is..... the thing is.... is that I’ve been here so often thatI no longer have any faith that I can make much of a difference. I seem to fail every time. But! I shan’t let that deter me – I will go into this 100% focussed, I assure you (and me).

I am finding the clothes thing more and more of a struggle. I know I’ve ‘talked’ about this before but it is worse than ever. Understandable really as I’m fatter than ever. I always used to be a matching lingerie sort of girl – both knickers and bra matching (of course!) and also toned in to what I was wearing. My mother always laughs at my poorly disguised horror when she buys a bra and not the knickers to go with it – she will happily wear a pink bra and – shudder – black or white sloggis. Well, I have turned into an underwear slob. Today I have a chocolate bra on (cheap M&S one and my only ‘decent’ bra. And it’s uncomfortable) and pale turquoise cotton multipack knickers. I hate it! All my sets are at the very least 1st, 10lbs away. I just have to accept the punishment, put my head down and get on with it.

I also possibly have a wedding to go to at the end of May. I ought to be able to lose 2 ½ stone by then. If I had an anywhere near normal metabolism that is. That would take me to half a stone off that magic weight where I become less frantic about it all (but still need to lose a chunk). So I’d still feel fat but less fat. I am not fit to be seen in public at the moment and I don’t want to be buying a fat outfit. The bride is gorgeous (and young) so I need to feel as good about myself as I can. I wonder if that is an achievable goal? I can't bear to think otherwise.

So today my plan for food is:

B – glass V8 (at home) and 4oz LF cottage cheese (at work) with sweetener, cinnamon and a few flaked almonds. Think I just prefer ordinary cottage cheese actually
S – 6 walnuts and a small skinny cappuccino
L – LF chicken Caesar salad (no croutons) and some edamame beans
S – a Muller Lite yoghurt (not strictly South Beach friendly as it’s a flavoured one but I have 2 to use up)
D – a ham, cheese and tomato omelette with a green salad
P – probably just jelly (see below)

It’s a bit disappointing actually, there’s a plethora of dessert type ideas in the original SB book (am still waiting for the updated version) but they all rely on LF ricotta – which you can’t get in the UK. Bah. Someone has suggested Quark instead so I might tentatively try some Quark with cocoa powder and Splenda. Hmmm. I'll let you know how that goes.

I had ideally wanted to get off the tube three stops early and walk in today but I really don’t feel well and haven’t since NYE. Just a cold/flu type thing – and better now than over Christmas – but I just feel lousy. As soon as I can get rid of these cotton wool legs though (and cottage cheese legs, sigh) and if it’s too cold and snowy for cycling, I’ll be back on that river path. I’m a bit of a Luddite but managed to download Diet Girl’s podcast to my ipod to listen to which is a good motivator. I just can’t work out how to download previous podcasts.... If anyone knows how, can they please let me know?

And – a new feature – I am trying to note 3 things to be grateful for every day. Apparently this gets easier (I am wracking my brain) and also works wonders for morale, so yesterday:
1) Took Christmas decorations down – a horrid job but done now.
2) Bf made a lovely linguine carbonara (likely to be last pasta for quite some time)
3) Bought two magazines which I enjoyed reading
Bit feeble, aren’t they? Hey-ho, practise makes perfect...

2 comments:

Lainey. said...

Great start Peridot!

Well done! Weighing yourself is horrid when you know the results are going to be dire. But you've done it and that's the last time you'll see that number!

Lesley said...

You know what? You already sound more positive about yourself! It's just a tone thing but that' is great news. And, as Mrs L used to say (I miss her!) "Knowledge is Power!". So knowing what you weigh can only help as long as you don't let it crush you. It's not a personal reflection of you, just a challenge to be overcome, etc etc!

I like the 3 things to be grateful for idea.

I won't start tonight as I'm buzzing with goodwill and cheer - I'd probably not stop for half an hour!

Couldn't you buy some inexpensive matching bra and knicker sets just to tide you over?? Might make you feel a little better and feed into the whole building self-esteem thing... I'm a total slob so don't give a hoot what colour pants I wear as long as I can find a pair but understand that there are women with higher standards than mine!!!

Keep it up chuck!!

Lesley x