Booiiiinnnnngggg (sniffle,sob)

That is the noise of a yoyo dieter. I am now almost 3st over my lightest weight (albeit that I only flickered there briefly - possibly days, possibly just minutes) and almost a stone and a half above my finishing weight with LL. This is very bad. I hadn't dared try the scales for a while but I suspect most of it piled on over Christmas. My clothes don't fit - at my lightest I was still a hefty girl and a size 14 mostly (I'm 5'4") but now I reckon I'm probably an 18. I have sore spots on the sides of my breasts where my bras dig in, my jeans practically cut me in half and create not so much of a muffin top as a wedding cake, my skirts don't fit and my tops can't disguise the tyre across my midriff. These are all things that were too big for me a few stone ago. I do of course feel very sorry for myself, very stupid and my confidence has plummeted.

Interestingly I saw the programme on ITV with Claire Sweeney and food - did anyone else see it? She stopped exercising (and although she exercised alot she hated it) and ate exactly what she wanted for 6 weeks as an experiment - and put on 2st. It was almost a lightbulb moment - it ISN'T just me. And you can't eat what you want and expect not to put on weight - it's a constant trade off. I know I have proven that to myself time and time again, but somehow I felt that it was just me that was somehow genetically disadvantaged and the rest of the world happily ate what they wanted and stayed slim. I know I am genetically disadvantaged a bit - my specialist tells me so (rather than this being a convenient fiction) - but clearly that's not the whole story and I'm still mulling over about the programme and hope it will help me go forward. Poor girl, she was so unhappy and humiliated when she put the weight on - I could really identify with those feelings. Even though she went from a 10 to a 14 which isn't a pitiable level of overweight but you could see the physical and mental impact it had on her.

So I'm back on packs (day 3 today) - just to use them up and try and at least squeeze back into some clothes. I have a fortnight's worth. But I need a strategy for after that. Naughty R is doing Diet Chef which is sort of a VLCD but with food (wow, what a concept). And a marginally higher calorie count. Her sister lost 2st in 2 months on it. I'm seriously considering it. I was thinking of the South Beach diet since low carb does suit me but I think unrestricted cream/nuts/cheese was causing me to put weight on on the Idiot Proof Diet. But the need to lose more weight, more quickly is pushing me back to a more extreme diet - but I don't think I could bear packs for long. So Diet Chef seems a good idea - I'm dreading bringing it up with bf though.

After about 3 weeks off (due to Christmas and illness) I went back to running this week. My first run was horrendous - I had to scale it down (in speed) and I could feel myself stiffening up over the course of the next day. Then I went this morning too - I pushed myself hard again but I'm not back to where I was and I'm stiff and achey as a result. It had better have burnt some calories, that's all I can say. I had better see some serious impact on the scales for this (packs and running combined) as it feels pretty hellish at the moment.

But drastic action has to be taken. By me. It's not just the practical implications of being fat (and yes, I am properly fat again) which are bad enough but also the impact on my self-confidence (never a robust thing) and self-esteem. Things have been a bit touchy with bf over the Christmas period - partly because he's been ill and grouchy but also I think because I'm fatter. Whether it's him seeing that and not liking it (it was a big problem pre LL) or whether it's a shift in myself, I'm sure it's a factor. As Naughty R said "When you think you're not looking your best, you think you're not worthy of any love so the people that love you stop bothering". Wise words.