Steely determination!

I watched the Claire Sweeney programme again last night - I'd taped it in the first place - trying to recreate that feeling of realisation from the first time I watched it. It was called My Big Fat Diet. I didn't have that lightening bolt feeling again - and I skipped quite a bit of it - but it was very clear that if you eat what you want and you don't exercise you will put on weight. And if you're like Ms Sweeney and me, you won't just put on a little but it will pile on (even with her access to personal trainers, lots of time and by the look of it, some sort of meal service). One thing that I found really repellent was the glee with which her female friends talked about her weight - they couldn't actually contain their pleasure that she was putting on weight and it was showing. They weren't as attractive as her, nor with similar careers so maybe they felt as if they were in her shadow alot - and I know editing can exaggerate someone's viewpoint - but if I were her and I'd watched that programme, I'd be looking for more friends.

The running continues. I've done two this week and intend another on Thursday before work. I sort of feel I should be doing this 5x a week but it does feel unbearable. Maybe I could up it to 4x most weeks and walk on any other days I'm in the office. I think it is becoming minutely easier than my re-start after Christmas but it's still tough. I grimly tell myself that it's having a real impact. And I really think that come the Spring I'll start cycling to and from work - I would guess it's about 7-8 miles. I'm very nervous about the traffic but to build so much exercise into my day AND to save almost £90 a month on travel seems very tempting. And it's got to be more fun than running (juggernauts and white van man aside)!

I'll weigh myself tomorrow as that will have been a week on LL. I know I've lost some weight as I weigh myself often but want to total up a week's worth of lbs. I've been pretty good but today there was some snacking (jaffa cakes) and a strong desire to go mad and eat everything and anything. I kept it to a minimum and didn't have my 2 packs this evening as there was no need to do so which felt like regaining some control. Today's been the first really tough day psychologically though. Other than that, I've been much calmer and more positive than I usually am. I remind myself often of why I am doing this - and I attribute at least some of my improved mental strength to a book '100 days of weight loss: the secret to being successful on any diet plan'. You read an entry each day - some resonate more than others - but it helps focus me and keep me focussed. I've also sent off for a CBT book from an article on Mrs' blog (www.thelardarms.typepad.com) from the Times. I should have it and be reading it by the weekend.

I have decided to try the Diet Chef diet. It's a bit like LL/CD packs but with slightly higher calories (bit worried about that) and their packs are actual food (cheaper than LL too!). Naughty R recommends it highly. I've ordered a week's worth to try and then will have to wait to be paid to order a month's worth. I ought to be able to simulate this pattern of eating by myself (max 1200 cals a day and low GI) but I hope that this will get me adjusted to portion size (apparently looks minute but is fine) and get me disciplined, ready to go it alone. The only thing is that I am such an all or nothing girl that having made that mental commitment, I want to ditch LL packs and go straight for it. I cannot afford this - primarily financially but also psychologically too - so I am gritting my teeth and using up the rest of the packs (c6 days worth). Then the week I've got of DC and then a bit of a hotchpotch until I get the month's supply, based on what DC packs I can get (you can buy some of them in Holland and Barrett and supermarkets) and following the general ethos.

I'll have to watch it though as I've sneakily been reading a forum on DC and so many people seem to decide to bend the rules to breaking point and add in all sorts of things with all sorts of justifications. That sounds like me but it's not going to be. Not this time. This is a new more calmly determined Peridot. Let's hope I can hold on to that feeling.