I think it's finally starting to sink in that I will be on a diet for the rest of my life. Diet, from the latin diem, meaning daily. Okay, I made that bit up but it sounds plausible! It's kind of hard to accept this but I do begin to realise that actually everyone is on a diet - sometimes it's not conscious or expresses itself in the form of vigorous regular exercise - so why would I be any different? If and when I reach a weight I can live with and looks good (oh okay, and is healthy too - boooorrrring) then my diet might include things I can't eat now, but this (dieting) is for life. The best I can expect is that eating healthily and frugally becomes an engrained habit and I notice it less. And resent it less. I think the resentment is fading with the realisation that no-one can eat exactly what they want, when they want and have the body they want.
So on that note, I read quite a bit of the Beck Diet Solution this weekend. I started stressing because I can't actually do it by the letter (I'm a rules girl) as you are supposed to read it daily for 2 weeks before dieting (I'm already past day 14 in that case!) and then carry on from there. Oh, and it stresses the importance of a healthy, nourishing and sustainable diet which I don't think chemical dust (aka LL packs) really qualifies as!
So I've read up to day 14 and then I'll start in daily from there when I start on Diet Chef (currently scheduled for Sunday or Monday - yay only a week to go!). Some of it is useful and some of it less so - I'm determinedly being philosophical about this rather than dismissing it all just because some of it doesn't work for me. For example, I am not going to ask my office to get rid of the smack table (although I do try not to walk past it too often (although I have to to go to the loo!) and I am ultimately leaving it when I leave this job next month) and imposing on someone to be a diet coach by looking at and commenting on my behaviour would be impractical and too much of an imposition too (but I guess comments on this blog are a bit like that).
Things I do like though - reminding myself that every time I give into an urge to eat, I am making it more difficult not to do that again whereas every time I resist I'm making it easier for next time. That a craving disguises another problem - and although chocolate (or whatever) is wonderful whilst I'm having it as a reaction to that problem, when I've finished it I still have that problem AND I've compounded it by adding feelings of guilt and self-loathing for giving in. None of this is going to startle people as brand new thoughts but I suppose they sink in at a different rate. And she advises that we read our list of reasons why we want to lose weight daily and whenever we have a strong urge to eat something off-plan which I am trying to do.
It's tricky putting it into practise - especially intellectualising why I shouldn't eat that chocolate bar when my heart is trying to over-rule my head. I tried this morning by telling myself that getting up at 6am to go for a run was a good thing because it would get me slimmer. But really, inside, I was growling that I didn't want to, that I wanted to stay in bed and that I hated running. All true but I did it anyway. Already dreading running tomorrow though!