Cleanliness is next to gluttony

I only lost 2lbs this week. I was very mature and calm and thought of my Beck book and tried to see it as just a number, a snapshot of a specific time and possibly an opportunity to make some improvements in my diet - that's all. I decided I was eating too much fruit - it was sneaking in -and I'd had a few blips. That was the mature side; underneath was a little tickertape of fury and resentment chuntering away 'but I ran 12 miles. 12 MILES. I should have lost more, I deserved to lose more..."

But, despite this, I was doing okay on my baking day (same day). I knew I'd have a brownie so I made sure to not have my snack and to have a soup at the lower calorie end of the scale for lunch. The brownie recipe said it made 10 and they were 687 calories each! I cut them smaller because they are very rich and made 16. I ate 6 maltesers left over from decorating the chocolate cake. Then, after supper, I had my brownie - it was lovely but I felt a bit guilty. Then I went to pack them into plastic boxes ready to take into work, leaving 2 aside for bf. There was one over. It wouldn't fit in the box. I didn't know what to do. And so I ate it. And almost instantly the wave of self-revulsion and panic swept over me - I didn't know what to do with myself. I wanted to punish myself, I wanted to get rid of the brownie. I don't have it in me to make myself throw up and I am well aware that that is a rocky road that I do not want to start down. My mind whirred around like a butterfly in a euthanasing box. I went to bed, hating myself. And as I ran on the treadmill the next day I was bitterly aware of the futility of it - I couldn't make those calories back even in a run and I was trying not to do the maths of exactly how many calories were in those 2 brownies. I do know but I don't want to think about it so don't tell me please.

I took the cakes to work. I had another brownie and a slivver of lemon cake and a slivver of chocolate cake. I'd planned to only have the lemon cake. Today I had my leaving lunch - we went to Zizzi's and I allowed myself to be persuaded that salads in these places are not necessarily the healthiest option (there were no calorie content info on their website). So I had a pizza. Now, again I'm not having my snack and I won't have my evening meal but a soup (as a lower calorie option) but I'm going for lunch tomorrow with my brother and nieces at Pizza Express (also no calorie info - I asked for it once and was told it was "too difficult as dishes are freshly made." Yeah, right). It feels as though everything is slipping through my fingers.

I won't let this turn into the beginning of the end. I so need to lose another half a stone just for things to fit me - and I don't want to stop there, it's just that that's my first focus before I move on.

How do you fit a diet into life? There must be a way.