I'm still struggling - with everything dietwise! Really hating and resenting the running - if I could be sure that it was making a difference to me I would just shut up and accept it, but with losses this small it's quite hard to feel reconciled to dragging myself up at 6am and slogging on a treadmill four times a week. Over the last 10 days I have lost a very unimpressive 2lbs. I know the Beck way would tell me it's just a number, a snapshot, blah, blah, blah, but actually it's one of those 'snapshots' where you cringe at the photo which clearly shows that I'm still too fat. And that's nothing that's changing terribly fast. I think in a month I've lost 4lbs! Which when you factor in the bloody running is really not acceptable and is making me feel very resentful.
I think I'm chiefly resentful about the running (could you tell?!) - and the exhausting discipline of never letting your guard down about food. I've been pretty good over the last week but I went to my mum's on Tuesday and got quite panicky about food which I can see is not a good way to be. She just did fish and veg but the fish had some sort of dressing and was baked in cherry tomatoes and mustard and the beans were also dressed and had flaked almonds on (alot) and then we had kiwi, strawberries and blueberries for pudding. I got quite anxious about not knowing how many calories I'd had - and I do know that kiwis are surprisingly high in calories (for fruit, admittedly). Then I feel as if I've blown it for a week and feel quite stressed. It's tiring living this way. I think the only thing keeping me going is that there is no other option - other than going back to what I was before this (or larger) and I cannot, cannot, cannot do that. But I seem to be stuck in the badlands of half a stone heavier than when I finished LL, 1st 10lbs heavier than my lightest and about 10lbs heavier than the point I could accept a slower weight loss as I could fit into most of my clothes. At this rate it will take me two and a half months to get to that point (and an unfeasible 6 months to get back to my lightest weight) - I find this soul-destroying and exhausting.