Monday, 23 February 2009

The badlands of blubber

I'm still struggling - with everything dietwise! Really hating and resenting the running - if I could be sure that it was making a difference to me I would just shut up and accept it, but with losses this small it's quite hard to feel reconciled to dragging myself up at 6am and slogging on a treadmill four times a week. Over the last 10 days I have lost a very unimpressive 2lbs. I know the Beck way would tell me it's just a number, a snapshot, blah, blah, blah, but actually it's one of those 'snapshots' where you cringe at the photo which clearly shows that I'm still too fat. And that's nothing that's changing terribly fast. I think in a month I've lost 4lbs! Which when you factor in the bloody running is really not acceptable and is making me feel very resentful.

I think I'm chiefly resentful about the running (could you tell?!) - and the exhausting discipline of never letting your guard down about food. I've been pretty good over the last week but I went to my mum's on Tuesday and got quite panicky about food which I can see is not a good way to be. She just did fish and veg but the fish had some sort of dressing and was baked in cherry tomatoes and mustard and the beans were also dressed and had flaked almonds on (alot) and then we had kiwi, strawberries and blueberries for pudding. I got quite anxious about not knowing how many calories I'd had - and I do know that kiwis are surprisingly high in calories (for fruit, admittedly). Then I feel as if I've blown it for a week and feel quite stressed. It's tiring living this way. I think the only thing keeping me going is that there is no other option - other than going back to what I was before this (or larger) and I cannot, cannot, cannot do that. But I seem to be stuck in the badlands of half a stone heavier than when I finished LL, 1st 10lbs heavier than my lightest and about 10lbs heavier than the point I could accept a slower weight loss as I could fit into most of my clothes. At this rate it will take me two and a half months to get to that point (and an unfeasible 6 months to get back to my lightest weight) - I find this soul-destroying and exhausting.


Lesley said...

Aaaaah Peridot - are you SURE it's that bad? How much lighter are you now than at your heaviest?? Must be a lot. What size are you wearing now compared to then?

You are running which I'm sure you didn't/couldn't then....and, although you're hating it, it's doing you good - your heart, your figure, your muscle tone, even your pesky metabolism.

Stick with it and maybe look for a more pleasant alternative and above all, be kind to yourself. You're doing brilliantly well to be only half a stone heavier than your LL finishing weight (I'm 2 1/2 stone heavier!).

Big hug chuck - I'm sure it'll get easier if you stick with it.

Lesley xx

Claire said...

I have no good advice but lots of sympathy...and empathy. It's a pain in the arse right enough but the alternative is worse. xxx

Mrs said...

Well, I feel for you, lovely P, I absolutely do.

I'm going to offer a different take (LOL!); it's not really about the food.

We're all in the same boat - at different stages, at different weights - but we're all facing the same thing - the horizon is full of...discipline. And seemingly that 'discipline' is forever. And if you are like me, that will send you screaming into the opposite direction. But ironically I can see that the discipline can be liberating.

It's the head stuff that's necessary to help you accept your body's situation and give you greater calm around the future. I promise you if you tackle the mind stuff, the body stuff will be easier. Not a joy ride (Lordy, I am so not there yet) but easier.

So much more to say!!!

It's time to find a new exercise for you but again, a huge round of applause for running. It's still heroic in my eyes!!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxx

Chris said...

2lbs in 10 days isn't unimpressive! They say that 1lb per week is the safe level of weight loss, so 2lbs in 10 days is great going - not too fast as to be unsafe, and certainly not too slow as to make a difference.

Weight loss is like weight gain - you start off having one chocolate bar and thinking it won't make a difference, but it's how they add up that makes a person get overweight. The same goes for all of those treadmill sessions and what you think are small weight losses. They add up!

It sounds to me like you're doing brilliantly.

I ahve a blog where I talk about my own attempts to get fit at