Friday, 6 February 2009

Cleanliness is next to gluttony

I only lost 2lbs this week. I was very mature and calm and thought of my Beck book and tried to see it as just a number, a snapshot of a specific time and possibly an opportunity to make some improvements in my diet - that's all. I decided I was eating too much fruit - it was sneaking in -and I'd had a few blips. That was the mature side; underneath was a little tickertape of fury and resentment chuntering away 'but I ran 12 miles. 12 MILES. I should have lost more, I deserved to lose more..."

But, despite this, I was doing okay on my baking day (same day). I knew I'd have a brownie so I made sure to not have my snack and to have a soup at the lower calorie end of the scale for lunch. The brownie recipe said it made 10 and they were 687 calories each! I cut them smaller because they are very rich and made 16. I ate 6 maltesers left over from decorating the chocolate cake. Then, after supper, I had my brownie - it was lovely but I felt a bit guilty. Then I went to pack them into plastic boxes ready to take into work, leaving 2 aside for bf. There was one over. It wouldn't fit in the box. I didn't know what to do. And so I ate it. And almost instantly the wave of self-revulsion and panic swept over me - I didn't know what to do with myself. I wanted to punish myself, I wanted to get rid of the brownie. I don't have it in me to make myself throw up and I am well aware that that is a rocky road that I do not want to start down. My mind whirred around like a butterfly in a euthanasing box. I went to bed, hating myself. And as I ran on the treadmill the next day I was bitterly aware of the futility of it - I couldn't make those calories back even in a run and I was trying not to do the maths of exactly how many calories were in those 2 brownies. I do know but I don't want to think about it so don't tell me please.

I took the cakes to work. I had another brownie and a slivver of lemon cake and a slivver of chocolate cake. I'd planned to only have the lemon cake. Today I had my leaving lunch - we went to Zizzi's and I allowed myself to be persuaded that salads in these places are not necessarily the healthiest option (there were no calorie content info on their website). So I had a pizza. Now, again I'm not having my snack and I won't have my evening meal but a soup (as a lower calorie option) but I'm going for lunch tomorrow with my brother and nieces at Pizza Express (also no calorie info - I asked for it once and was told it was "too difficult as dishes are freshly made." Yeah, right). It feels as though everything is slipping through my fingers.

I won't let this turn into the beginning of the end. I so need to lose another half a stone just for things to fit me - and I don't want to stop there, it's just that that's my first focus before I move on.

How do you fit a diet into life? There must be a way.


Lesley said...

I agree - there must be a way. Unfortunately, I think the way is to learn NOT to have the brownie OR the lemon cake OR the pizza (apart from once in a blue (and I mean BLUE) moon, maybe!). It's a depressing thought I know but if we could get to that place where we don't really want that stuff and don't angst about it then it has to be better than beating yourself up over confectionary.

Don't hate yourself though - you ran - 12 bloody miles - and that has got to help. And, you lost 2 whole lbs!! That's great too.

Hope you can find some positives soon. I think you're doing really well, honest...

Lesley x

Mrs said...

Hello hello

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that the new job is a much, much better situation!

I won't offer any advice (lips firmly zipped) BUT I will HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND CELEBRATE the 2lbs loss. That is fantastic! And as Lesley said, you DID run.

I also think you are doing really well! : )

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxx