Big fat failure

I'm doing appallingly. I have lost 1lb in the last 10 days - that's with 4 runs and a 7 mile walk. And I don't make it easy on myself - I picked at some sweets on Friday and then picked at some protein at the buffet on Friday night (I didn't eat what I wanted but felt I needed to have a little), I was fine on Saturday and then on Sunday I ate half a dozen cherries and grapes and today - very down about the 1lb - I've eaten some kiddy sweets from our snack table. And I'm obsessed with going back for more and more and more, despite the fact that I feel miserable that I had any in the first place. I'm not going to though, I'm just not. I can't, I mustn't. There's no point in making a bad situation worse. I just find this vicious circle of not losing, so feeling down, then eating, then not losing so impossible to break out of, it's ridiculous. And every day I swear to myself that I'm going to be strong - but I guess I don't feel it, I feel small and sad on the inside and fat and sad on the outside.

And the running is such a slog. I feel a failure that I don't enjoy it - I positively dread it in fact. And I'm not progressing I think this is the 3rd week I've done week 9 - and now I discover that I've actually not been doing week 9 at all. Week 9 is 3 mins running and 1 min walking for 36 mins - I've been doing 32 mins. I did the full programme today but am losing heart. I don't do this for fun, I do it to lose weight and clearly that's not happening right now.

My LLC said I need to focus on healthiness but I don't care about it! I just want to look better. I also don't actually think LL is the right choice for healthiness - it's great for fast results (well, not at the moment for me clearly but otherwise and for people whose bodies obey them) but if I were being healthy I'd be doing Food Doctor or something similar. And failing at that too, no doubt!

My LLC also wants me to stop weighing but I know I won't do that. If I did, I'd have to feel this miserable until at least next week whereas if I can start dropping lbs then I will feel better and more able to stick to it - a virtuous circle I really need to get into the groove of.

I have WI tonight. It might well show a gain - I was only 1lb down on my own scales and have eaten sugar in the form of the kiddy sweets and my last WI was in the morning when I'd had nothing to drink or a pack whereas tonight will be in the evening after 3 packs and water (and the sweets). I'll do the usual of stopping water 2 hours before WI but I think my chances aren't good.

After tonight I am going to try my utmost to have a clean week and see what happens. No picking and keeping on with the running. And if I don't have a big loss next week then I will have to think about giving up. I hope it doesn't come to that but I can't really believe that my pathetic performance this week has been down to picking, I haven't eaten enough - there's something else going on and I don't know what else to do.

Rolls (of fat) reversal

If, as they say on LL, it takes 3,500 calories of over-eating to put on 1lb, how come I have put on 1lb since yesterday? Even with the crisp incident that cannot be possible. And it means that in the last 8 days I have lost - zip, zilch, nada, nothing. And tonight I am going to bf's sister's party where there will be a buffet. Feeling fat and fed up + buffet = trouble.

And today on the smack table - Minstrels, M&Ms, Jelly babies, two types of cake, two types of crisps with two types of dip. And I've had 5 jelly babies and 3 crisps - and a bite of a homemade chocolate brownie before I hurriedly gave the rest away. I toyed with some fruit and prawns at lunchtime in M&S and managed not to buy it, only to come back and eat crap.

It's a vicious circle. I'm down because I'm not losing but by cheating I make that more likely. And I think there's some rebellion - 'if I'm not losing why should I stick to it?' and 'I feel miserable so ought to be able to treat myself'. And I wonder if there's a bit of 'if I cheat a little and don't lose then I don't have to face up to the failure in the same way' buried deep, deep down.

I know I weigh myself too much but I usually only do it a couple of times a week - it's only because I'm desparate for a change which will show a loss for this week. I need that to give me some resolve to get through this rough patch. I almost didn't do my run this morning as I was so fed up - I don't enjoy it and if I don't see a pay-off, I don't see the point.

And still the sugary stuff is calling me. It's tempting to go 'oh stuff it, I've blown it, I might as well stuff my face' and I'm grimly hanging on and not giving in to the desire to SPRINT over to that smack table and go beserk. I have blown it and I can't think why I shouldn't do it but I know that I mustn't.

Ohhhh, I hope I have better news to post on Monday.

A tale of two girls

Compare and contrast: girl A who has been on LL 3 weeks and in the last week has lost 1lb (despite running three times in that week) with girl B who has been back on CD for less than 3 days and has lost..... 9lbs. You've guessed that I'm girl A, right? Well, Naughty R is girl B. I don't begrudge her her spectacular loss - especially since she is sticking to it - but I am bemused about my measly loss. It's been a calendar week now and I've only lost 1lb since I weighed myself last Thursday morning. Now I know I screwed up yesterday with the crisps and maltesers (and I didn't immediately ballet dance after eating the maltesers - perhaps it takes a whole pack...) but EVEN SO! I'm hoping I have a sudden whoosh at the weekend. In fact I'd go so far as to say I'm clinging on to that hope for dear life. As long as I can demonstrate a good loss on the scales on Monday evening at WI - and to myself at home on Monday morning - I can cope, gulp. What I can't cope with is only losing 1lb in 10 days (which it would be by Monday).

I was still in ketosis this morning which was good news - despite the crisp incident. I've been super-good today (so far - and the most dangerous period is almost over as I'll leave the office in the next hour or so) and tomorrow is running day (again). I start dreading the next run about 12 hours after I've done the previous one! Wish I could get bitten by that running bug...

I also had my first "you don't need to lose any more" comment today. Someone - a colleague - asked me if I'd lost more weight and then followed it up with the above comment. It's weird because I so clearly do. I'm still a size 14-16 so I can hardly be accused of wasting away. Bf asked me what I was aiming for the other night and I thought about it and said "Until I don't feel fat any more", to which he replied "you're not going to get that anorexia are you?"!!!! I don't think girls as hefty as me are at risk from anorexia! Especially not hefty, greedy girls who love food far too much - I'm practically counting down the days until I can eat again!

PS Oh dear

I have just eaten a (large) handful of crisps (maybe 1/3 of a small bag) and 4 maltesers. It's as much as I can do not to scoff loads more. And I mean loads. Why can't I resist this stuff? And my mouth feels really odd - as if my glands are coming up and my mouth swelling. I think it's unlikely I am allergic to crisps but that's how it feels. Wonder if that will knock me out of ketosis? Wonder if it will scupper my weight loss this week? Doubt I will get away with it. Feel guilty, miserable and hate myself for lack of willpower. Will consult Naughty R whether I should skip a pack to make up for it.

No progress

Firstly, thanks for your comments. As you will see Lesley, I am SO not hard-core. Mrs - my new group are 'returners', my old (hard-core) Sunday group were classic and virtuous 'developers'. And boffcat - I know this is an age-old debate! I would just hate to tell people what I'm doing (interestingly my LLC subscribes to this - she reckons it just makes people think they have the right to comment on what you're doing, their thoughts on dieting etc etc) and just the thought of it makes me cringe. But I'm sure there are good arguments for being out and proud! I'll have to rely on (flawed) self-policing.

I have lost a measly 1lb since last Thursday (today is Wednesday). I'm not at the despair stage as I have noticed that I can weigh myself and see little/no difference and then weigh myself a couple of days later and have lost a respectable c3lbs. I want to lose 5lbs (+!) this week so it had better get a move on to suddenly drop off. WI is now on Monday but I'll be re-weighing tomorrow and at the weekend and Monday (to tally against LLC scales). I'm not despairing but I am anxious and trying to keep a lid on it since stress leads to food which leads to weight gain which leads to... Well, you know where this is going.

And work is really stressful at the moment. And the smack table is full as ever (Belgian chocs yesterday which I missed, thank god, and croissants and smoothies so far today). And I am hungry - emotionally and physically. Sometimes it all feels too much. I know that eating will make me feel more stressed (and guilty and self-loathing) but it's quite hard to not eat, just the same. I was at an all day meeting yesterday and part of it was a working lunch - sandwiches, crisps, biscuits and fruit. I said I had to pop out and make a call and scoffed down a bar then. I picked at a bit of chicken from the middle of one of the sandwiches and seemed to get away with that. It was hard (I could really smell the sugar in the nice looking biscuits) and I was hungry and I felt excluded - and I STILL felt bad about the scraps of chicken I ate! I still do actually.

I ran this morning. I think I was getting over-excited about moving on to week 10 as today was a slog again. Less so than last week (pre-period) but still enough that I don't think I am ready to do more. I seem to be in a groundhog week of week 9! Something has to be better than nothing though, right? Even if LLC reckons it won't help me lose weight. And that is all that I'm interested in I'm afraid! Sure, it would be nice to be badged as 'healthy' but I'm really only interested in the aesthetics, if it really comes down to it. So I have to tell myself that running will make the weight come off faster (despite LLC!)

I have a VLCD penpal who is currently inspired by a comment made on the CD section of Minimins - that there are two types of people doing a VLCD, those who see the diet as a prison and are miserable all the way through even if they are losing weight and look forward to coming off it and those who see the diet as a release from the tyranny of obesity - they enjoy it and embrace it. Bless her, she thought I was one of the second group - but actually I am firmly in camp one. I am trying to think like a type 2 person though. And just think, one day - if I work very, very hard - I may have puffless knees! There's motivation!

The 2lb rule

So much for the 2lb rule! I lost 5.7lbs and last week 2 was 4.1lbs - so a bit off target. I am still hoping to lose an average of 5lbs a week from here on in though (I lost 3lbs+ a week when I did LL before) which would take me more or less to goal before my birthday and our holiday. Here's hoping....

And that's what got me out of bed and running round the park this morning at 6.15am. It was a bit easier than the last two runs - I'm putting that down to TOTM causing my exhaustion and heavy legs. I even ran a bit over my 3 min intervals a couple of times! I made some of the time back but as I needed a full minute to walk and recover but I still probably ran a bit extra. This could be a sign that I need to move on to week 10 (4 mins running, 1 min walking for 35 mins) but I think I'll see how I feel after run #3 this week before making any rash decisions!

But I've lost just over a stone now on LL which is good. I'm finding it hard though - have picked at a shaving of cheese about 4 times and ate 3 pickled onions over the weekend and a bite of my mum's nectarine! Hardly the end of the world but of course I wonder if I would have made the 6.1lbs without that. I've still eaten 3 crisps and half a shortbread finger today though. Must stop picking. Did avoid a whole sandwich lunch at a meeting though (hence crisps) and I have to do the same tomorrow - not sure how since it's a full day's meeting (today I said I had lunch back at the office). Might dash out for 'some fresh air' and scoff down a bar then as long as discussions don't continue over lunch - otherwise it's stuffing down a bar in the loo. Glamorous! And I still have to come up with an excuse as to why I'm not eating.

I'm changing LL groups too. It was becoming increasingly nightmarish negotiating the appalling London Transport closures on a Sunday and LLC suddenly said "Would it be more convenient to come on a Monday night?" YES! It's a returners group which is why she hadn't suggested it - but I am a returner! Okay, it sounds like I haven't gone as spectacularly off-piste as some of them but I feel like a furtive black sheep with my ultra angelic hard corers and might feel more comfortable with people struggling like I do. And the time is soooo much better for me as I can go straight from work. LLC said she can see I've lost weight as 'my knees look less puffy'! Clearly not a woman skilled in paying a compliment! A) I wasn't aware I had been flashing my knees and b) I hadn't realised they were puffy! They oughtn't to be with my running. Humph. I'm sure she meant well but really!

Group toughies

Lovely Mrs has been asking about my group etc. They are hard-core toughies! But nice ones. There were 7 of us I think on Sunday and a couple were away. They've all being on LL continuously (bar a couple of holidays), no returners - and they seem to have lost anything from just over 3st (like me! But this girl is at goal now and moving to RtM) to 6st+. The LLC is very clever, she just nudges the conversation along to make it more productive than a just a chat. It's pleasant because it does feel natural, like a chat, but you come out of it with things to think about.

I don't feel more confident this time around and I am finding tough still, but I think that I almost proved to myself whilst away from LL that this is the only way I can do it. CD made me realise how comparatively pleasant LL packs are - really glad I tried the CD ones though. And IPD made me realise that I can't lose weight that way - but I still believe in it as a permanent way of eating (or sensible low-carb/low GI) and will return there. Because I'm such a perfectionist I suppose, I still beat myself up mentally about slip ups - today I ate one (very small plain) biscuit and 2 marshmellows. I resisted the entire tin of chocolate biscuits (M&S Belgian if you're interested), the lemon cake and all the sweets but all I can focus on is the fact that I failed today. It's a vicious cycle - I ate something bad (chewing gum the other day) and knocked myself out of ketosis so I'm hungry, which makes me more likely to eat something, which keeps me out of ketosis which keeps me hungry. I'm not in the office tomorrow or the next day and that will mean no sugary temptation laid in my path which will be a relief.

I did my second run of the week this week. I still really don't enjoy them Lesley, would that I had been bitten by that particular bug! It was sooo tough this morning - I think the toughest yet. My legs were like lead and I had to haul myself round. I didn't get enough sleep last night which didn't help I guess. I got myself round by telling myself that I had to be burning my (extensive) fat reserves - on an empty stomach (particularly so) and feeling so exhausted must be a sign that I had nothing readily available to use as fuel.

I'm on duty tonight so not enough sleep tonight either. I will go back to bed when I hand over but when I get up at lunchtime tomorrow I'll do run 3 for the week - and I'm dreading it. Hopefully it will be easier. I just feel terribly tired generally, just sitting here, let alone running! And hungry. But tomorrow, as Scarlet said (not a girl with waistline problems mind you!) is another day..

Run fat girl, run

Whilst thinking my LLC is a very excellent and perceptive woman, I am still not convinced by her certainty that my running (aka puffing/wheezing etc) won't accelerate my weight loss. This week I lost 9.7lbs. The weighing in woman checked her sums twice she was so surprised! But I think that's because she hadn't taken into account that this is, in effect, week 1 for me - in a group of Developers. I think it's particularly interesting because in week 1 first time around I lost 7.7lbs. And I reckon that extra 2lbs = 3 runs. It would be nice to think that the +2lbs rule will continue but I suspect I'm being overly optimistic on that one. I just want to get there as fast as possible! If I could lose a stone and a half a month that would be beyond fantastic - and I know some people do. Fingers crossed that this time around I'll be a bigger loser!

All of which doesn't exactly explain why I ate 8 pieces of sugar free gum yesterday. I was very stressed at work and I just bunged them in (one at a time but discarding as soon as the taste went). So that knocked me out of my very hard won ketosis. Technically I was in K on Saturday but didn't start feeling less ravenous until Sunday - so it took me 5-6 days to get there. And now I've bounced right back out. I'm hoping I can get back in more quickly as it was just gum. I'm not buying any more, I don't trust myself. I know - because I've tested - that I can eat 1-2 pieces and stay in ketosis but I clearly can't necessarily stick to that. I think I've lost another 2lbs since Sunday am though. If the 2lb rule (see above) works out I should be in line for 6.1lb loss this week....

There is of course the issue of everyday life getting in the way though. I promised bf that I would be more flexible this time around - we do still have to have a modicum of a life. This only means that if we're invited to social occasions, we can go. We're going to his sister's birthday party the week after next - that's fine, I can just drink water. But we're seeing friends on 19 July that we've not seen for about a year and a half. That's right, pre LL. I'll be having dinner there and we're staying over and going walking the next day so that means breakfast and lunch too. Might be able to dodge breakfast by saying I'm still full from dinner. I'm trying not to stress about something that's over a month away. Then it's my birthday in late August which I could do abstinent but the following day we're going to Paris for the day and I will eat, then back and 4 days later we're going to my brother's caravan in Wales for 12 days (we can't afford a holiday this year) - when I'll eat. I tend to think that it would be better to eat sensibly for those 4 days than go back on to packs and off again. Then there's a week and we have a weekend away for bf's 50th. I guess I'll probably do packs for that week inbetween Wales and weekend. I'm resigned to coming back from weekend away and back on to LL for a further month probably. It's not great timing but I can't actually do anything about that. We delayed going on holiday last year because of LL but in this country we pretty much have to go when there's a vague chance of reasonable weather.

My group is awfully severe and hard-core though. They'd be fine with the holiday but not with the evening in July I suspect. I think I'm just not going to say - I'll be missing group that week anyway since it's on the Sunday that we'll be there so I hope I can just make up for it for the rest of the fortnight (week before and after).

Feel pretty lousy today - headachy, nauseous and light-headed. I assume it's punishment for falling out of ketosis. I'm just glad that it's not a running day - that's tomorrow so I can only hope I feel better by then.

Deluded

Yesterday I tried on a load of clothes that were slightly too tight. Unsurprisingly, they are still slightly too tight. At the end of day 3 that shouldn't have been too much of a surprise really. But I think LL warps time somehow - once I'm on it, it feels like forever and I expect a return for all the pain (well, hunger). I know I'll get that result and I just have to be patient. Sadly I'm all about instant gratification - which could very well be a strong contender for the reason why I'm fat!

And that's how I feel. I'm still down 3st 4lbs on last May/June but I no longer feel good (ish) about the way I look. I feel fat and frumpy. That's the stick motivation to keep me going. I can't think about carrots or I'd salivate!

Nearly at the end of day 4. Still very hungry. And my - admittedly very old - ketosticks say I'm not in ketosis yet. Yesterday I managed to go from 8am to 9.15pm without a pack. It was tough but it was manageable. I met with Naughty R - I mused on whether I could have a miso soup, based on the premise that it can't be so different from a Bouillon. She said firmly no. Then she had a skinny frappucino! She's 'allowed' the milk but unless CD has changed alot, not the sugar. But as long as she drinks the water, she loses weight even if she cheats! Not much motivation to stick to the straight and narrow really.

Today I will be doing something similar as I'm meeting Willowy R. At least I know I can go without - although my mind is spinning like a rat in a trap, trying to think of something I can legitimately have. I know that the answer is nothing. And to think otherwise is to fool myself.

Back on Monday. Will have had first WI by then, first whole session (if I'm awake enough to take anything in!) and done a couple of runs too probably. Hopefully I'll be over the hunger by then too. I am resolute. I am going to get slim. I am going to feel better about myself.

Running on empty

So, there I was in the park this morning at 6.15am running my usual route (now up to 36 mins, 3 mins running and 1 min walking) despite having had 2 full days of abstinence. As I started off, I thought that it was much the same as usual (that would be bloody exhausting by the way!) but I think towards the end I was even more tired than usual. But I did it! And I didn't feel faint or light-headed which was my fear - I'd have obviously had to stop then. So I will keep on running (cue music)...

Vexingly though, I spoke to my LLC yesterday afternoon and she reckoned that I wouldn't lose weight any faster for exercising. In fact she was emphatic on this point! She said it will help with toning up loose skin and will mean that maintenance will be much easier to manage but that it categorically won't mean I'll lose more weight, more quickly. Which is a bummer as I was rather depending on that. On the bright side, she did say that I was as likely to lose weight at the same rate as before. I know that that is snail speed (for LL) but I was rather frightened that it might be slower the second time around which I don't think I could bear. She was very confident that I could lose a stone a month without any problem. Which would be entirely satisfactory. Secretly though, I'm hoping she's wrong about the exercise - I cannot see how expending more calories, ie burning more fat stores, won't lead to a greater weight loss, I can't see the science of it. Unless it is the mysterious Sod's Law effect!

She (LLC) is great though. She's so good at picking up what I say and asking me questions about it so that I realise some of my subconsious thought processes and therefore how those affect my actions. It's only half the battle as I then have to do things differently but each time is a mini revelation. Rather than a mini Revel which I don't really like but could probably force down right now (as long as it's not a coffee one - I'm not THAT hungry!)

On that note - almost through Day 3 of abstinence. Still very hungry but gritting my teeth and hoping to feel better 'tomorrow' (as Annie would sing). As hard as it is, the hunger comes in waves and I know if I ride one out that it will subside. Hey, I'm a hunger surfer, dude!

Great Expectations

One day down. And insanely, I weighed myself this morning. How ridiculous was that? I felt that I needed to see that the pain of not eating was paying off. It isn't. I'm not cast down by this though, I do accept that it might take longer than a day (although that would be nice...) and will weigh again on Friday (start of day 5) as this would roughly be at the time LL would do a pop-in. I just hope I've lost a chunk by then!

Btw R says she notices her weight going down after a day - oh dear, hope this is going to work for me. Must not panic, must not panic...

Proper pop-ins aren't really feasible for me as it's such a long way to my LLC. I don't really mind as as my losses have tended to be slow, it's more motivating to have the one bigger loss rather than sub-divide it. It won't stop my popping-on my bathroom scales obsessively though!

Yesterday was tough but I managed. I found that the hunger ebbed and flowed. This morning I almost felt perky. Which I hope bodes well for my run tomorrow. I didn't have the energy surge that most people experience on LL last time around so it would be nice to have a double helping this time (pleeeeeaase). And I am determined to keep on with the running - partly because just in the time I went to Wales I lost an astonishing amount of 'fitness' in just 10 days and mostly because I hope it will mean the weight comes off fast. Faster than last time when my losses were unimpressive at any rate. I will settle for a stone a month but a bit more would be very welcome! I do want done with this.

I am anticipating that today will be tougher than yesterday as my body doesn't have the food from the previous day that it had yesterday - it has nothing! Bar a few packs... pah! I made a point of going out yesterday lunchtime so I didn't mope at my desk, looking at what everyone else was eating. I'm going to do the same today and my intention is to do this most days. I work near a park so if I have no shopping to do (and I can't really afford that with the crippling LL charges) or library books to change (I sound like an old biddy saying that!) then I'll have a little trot round the lake and try to avoid the scary yellow glare of the pteradactyls. They say they're pelicans but I'm not fooled.

Read all about it - munter returns to LL

Firstly though, let me introduce Lily and Cheska. And a bit of my mother (very unflattering)! Thought dog lovers would like to see. Lily is very gorgeous (she's the chocolate) which you can't really see here but the second one's a good picture of Cheska in her typical beagle stance with her tail bolt upright. I'm sure there's some beagle blood there somewhere - same tail stance, same paws, same sweet but stubborn nature...

But, let me fill you in on all thing fat-ual (did you see what I did there?!). I had put on almost half a stone in Wales which took my weight to over a stone heavier than my lightest weight. Some came off once I started low-carbing again but not all of it - and that seems to be a pattern: 1) cheat, 2) put on weight, 3) lose some of it. And that means I'm on an upward trajectory which is not acceptable. And then I went shopping with my LL friend Naughty R for a dress for a wedding she's going to and she looked so great (she's not lost all the weight she wants to and fluctuates wildly depending on how much she is cheating but she's looking good) that I felt fat and frumpy. She is gorgeous and 12 years younger than me (I think) so that doesn't help I guess! I came home and thought, right, want to lose another 3 stone and IPD isn't doing it for me. I believe in low-carbing as a way of life - my body likes it and is much happier on it - but it's something to come back to when I'm where I want to be. Or as close as possible anyway - I've decided to do LL for three months or until I've lost 3st, whichever comes first. I'm going to keep the running up if I possibly can too.

I went to my first meeting yesterday. It's on a Sunday morning at 9.30am, a good hour's journey from me so it's a great sacrifice just to get there! I am not a morning person but I AM a lie-in person so it will take a great effort of will not to be grumpy! But this is a group recommended by Cerulean and after my experience with my last daffy LLC, I wanted to actually get someone who knew what they were doing. This lady was a counsellor before LL and was also involved in setting up LL back in the 80s so she certainly qualifies on that point! She seems very astute and very "counsellor-ish" if you know what I mean, she's very good at probing what people say and revealing things about them that they'd. Overweight though - I know it's up to each individual but I've never come across a LLC who isn't, hmmmmm.

I nearly didn't go yesterday as I was on duty and didn't finish until 9am on Sunday morning - this meant either turning up late for the group or waiting til the following week. LLC said she wanted me to go this week as it was the first session of 2 amalgamated groups. And it's just as well as I would have used this as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted for a week. I said this in the group and LLC pointed out that I would have to think about my language etc - and what I really did "want". Good point. Group seemed nice enough although 2-3 people were missing - no real obvious buddies so far though, like I had with R and A in my old group.

So I had a day of eating 'treats' yesterday - except we couldn't get into any of the 3 restaurants we went to for dim sum for lunch (boo) and ended up in Mrs L's recommended GBK for first time (nice, Mrs, but chips not great - still, bet I will be fantasising about them in the days ahead!). Weirdly though, all the things I've basically been breaking my heart over not eating - they weren't that great. My eclair (probably top obsessesion) just didn't hit the spot and was quite disappointing. I would usually use this to try something else and something else until I found the thing that satisfied me. Maybe though, I can't find that in food and that's why nothing quite tasted that good and left me dissatisfied. Radical thought....

I went for a run this morning. Of course after all the carbs (inc pasta supper last night) I should have been speeding round, fleet of foot and light of heart but actually I just plodded round, wheezing gently as per usual. I'm now on 36 mins of 3 mins running, 1 min walking. It doesn't sound impressive but I can assure you it's exhausting! Will be interesting to see how my body reacts on Wednesday when it's been (basically) starved for 2 days.

Today is the first day of abstinence. I had a double shake at about 7.45am (banana and strawberry) and now have to wait until I get home tonight for another double shake (chocolate and vanilla). I can't face the soups and I'm not allowed bars until next week. At least I now like some bars - the 2 they introduced as I finished my 100 days. So from next week I'll have a hot shake with coffee in the morning, a bar at work at lunchtime (surreptiously!) and a double shake in the evening. I realise that this is quite limited (I only like vanilla, chocolate, strawberry and banana) but I'm just going to have to deal with it and not care, it's not food, it's medicine etc etc. I am hungry but that's to be expected. Hang on in there, me.