Uphill struggle

I’m really, really struggling. I don’t why – or where this has come from. Curiously, it’s not chocolate I’m craving (although I could always eat chocolate), but bready, cheesy things. Cheese scones in particularly or cheesy bread. Slathered in butter. Preferably slightly warm Or crisps maybe. Er, not 'or', more 'and'.

I’m managing to just about keep to points – I haven’t had anything cheesy or bready but I’m eating too many sweets. Yes, I’m aware that this makes no sense at all. I think I just want to eat everything and anything (but crave cheesy bread most). If I ate that, I think the floodgates would open and I’d eat everything I fancied.

Apart from a cocktail sized blip coming up, there is no reason why I shouldn’t complete this week in good order (and one little cocktail – unpointable as it is – shouldn’t really cause too much trouble). Bf is away this weekend with his parents – I can’t go because I have to work on Sunday. This means I can have a really frugal Saturday – well, weekend really. We may go out on Sunday night when he’s back– we have a restaurant near us which BBQs fish in August every year and we haven’t been yet this year– or I’ll cook, but either way, this weekend has the potential for extreme virtue: no restaurants (ignore the above as there’s no pudding peril there or lardy luring choices), no booze and no spontaneous choices that have to be made (always a downfall for me). No trying to fit in and eat with bf rather than being a permanently-on-a-diet misery. It ought to spell a good result on the SoD on Tuesday....

But.

I know that from next Wednesday I will be starting to eat off-piste and off-points – and that that will continue for the best part of a week. And then I have 4 days before I’m off on holiday. (Getting back on points for 4 days will be a challenge but one that seems too far ahead to worry about at the moment)

Now, I’m planning some birthday treats but I’m not planning on using it as an excuse to eat everything I’ve fancied, could feasibly fancy or may fancy at some point in the future. No, I won’t be pointing and yes, I will be choosing to eat what I’d like rather than the lowest calorie option on the menu, but it’s not an excuse to go crazy. And food in Syria looks pretty healthy and it’s going to be an active holiday (except the bit when we go to Suffolk for 6 days to recover after Syria – although I bet we’ll do plenty of walking then too). So there’s no reason to feel this doom, is there? You know, the doom where the 10lbs I’ve painfully and painstakingly lost over the last 6 weeks goes straight back on - with a few little lardy friends to join it. Is there? Just because that’s what’s always happened in the past? Just because the weight goes on so frighteningly, terrifyingly easily? It’s enough to make me want to panic eat, frankly.

It’s enough for that self-destructive gremlin in my head to encourage me to start eating madly now – I may as well, I’ve only got a few days before I come off the diet, after all, it whispers seductively. I’m keeping a lid on it – for now – with a great deal of mental effort. It’s pretty much constant at the moment, the feeling of wanting to eat is there all the time. And I’m not banking many points. I’m pretty much hitting my allocation every day. And even that’s a struggle that I don't feel equal to.